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Daughter not interested in private school - still pursue?

44 replies

Femining · 14/10/2025 20:12

Another question as my last was answered so helpfully.

We have a great chance at a place in a very coveted state secondary school.

We have also been prepping our (currently) state educated child for independent tests in Nov / Dec.

She says she loves the state secondary option, and doesn't want to go to the private school.

She thinks private schools probably don't progress pupils as much as the children are all rich enough to have tutors, and generally thinks it's not worth the money.

She appears to be genuinely excited about the state option, but I'm not sure whether she just doesn't want to do the tests (impostor syndrome), though, or whether she's worrying about the money (it'll be a sharp pinch and she is the eldest of 3). She's put in a lot of hard work and she'll likely do well.

In my shoes would you put her through the tests, or just let it go?
She's very confident at the moment, among the top in the class. I also don't want to push her through the tests to perhaps not get in and that impact her confidence. It's hard to separate my issues from hers (if any). I do feel the weight of this decision. I asked whether she'd still want to go state if she got into the indie - she said yes. I also asked how she would feel if her sister two years younger went to a private, and when i said that she said maybe it's a good idea to at least take the test, but she still thinks she'd like the state.

I really don't know whether to keep on the treadmill of selective tests, would appreciate some thoughts.

OP posts:
Femining · 15/10/2025 12:12

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 14/10/2025 20:25

She's 11. She cannot make a fully informed decision.
She doesn't get to pick.

If the state school isnt guaranteed you need to start explaining the concept of "option creation" and "contingency planning"

All other things being equal unless there's co.pelling rationale or you are fabulously wealthy... I'd take state and invest the cash for uni / first house

Oh yes, we talk about options all the time. A good life is about having options, that's our mantra, and we have applied it to school, too.

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Notagain75 · 15/10/2025 12:14

I wouldn't make her do the tests. She wants to go to the state school let her go there. She sounds very mature for her age

Notagain75 · 15/10/2025 12:19

coxesorangepippin · 15/10/2025 02:10

As a pp said, she's 11. She doesn't pick her education.

I disagree with this.
An unhappy child can't learn. I think it's very important that the child has input into where they are likely to spend the next seven years of their life.

Femining · 15/10/2025 12:26

I have had experience of this. I was given a school in a very MC area at 11 years old. My family had just oved into a doer upper in a more expensive area, which was very WC community feely, Even at that age it felt wrong. I had my parents appeal to send me to the 'worse' school with lesser results, and more WC children. I thrived. So, I do believe what she wants has value. I also know that sometimes we need to take big decisions out of children's hands.

I asked her and she said she still wants to take the test. Perhaps one option will be taken off the table then. If not, I might very well be back for more advice....

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dancingbymyself · 15/10/2025 12:29

I picked my school and it wasn’t the one my parents would have chosen for me. It was 100% the right decision, so I absolutely believe your daughter can be well-informed.

You’ve said you would want to do the same for all your children, so if your younger ones didn’t get a subsidised place at the private school, can you afford for all of them to go through?

And are you being realistic about the financial pressures? You’ve talked about working more-charging clients more - is that sustainable for the next 7 years plus unexpected costs?

MrsAvocet · 15/10/2025 13:20

What would your options be if by some chance she didn't get into your preferred state school? It sounds from what you say that that would be very unlikely but I'm always a fan of planning for the worst case scenario. If your other state options aren't good then I would probably lean towards her doing the tests, on the grounds that if she passes she still doesn't have to go, but you have options, whereas if she doesn't take the test you don't. And it's still quite a way off - at that age even a few months feels like a long time and things can change a lot.
I'd vote for keeping as many doors open for as long as possible, provided you don't think that the stress of doing the tests is too high and that you have an achievable plan for the finances if you do go for the private option.

Growlybear83 · 15/10/2025 13:21

I should just add from my previous post that when I was 11 my parents decided to move me from my public school because they decided I wasn’t particularly happy there, although I didn’t really want to leave. We visited a couple of local state schools and I was very clear which one I wanted to go to for many reasons, but my parents wouldn’t hear of it because it was a secondary technical school and they insisted on sending me to the nearby grammar school. I hated every second of secondary school because it wasn’t the school of my choice and I resented my parents for taking the choice out of my hands. I still wish to this day that I’d been allowed to stay at my original school or preferably been allowed to go to the other school.

Femining · 15/10/2025 14:49

MrsAvocet · 15/10/2025 13:20

What would your options be if by some chance she didn't get into your preferred state school? It sounds from what you say that that would be very unlikely but I'm always a fan of planning for the worst case scenario. If your other state options aren't good then I would probably lean towards her doing the tests, on the grounds that if she passes she still doesn't have to go, but you have options, whereas if she doesn't take the test you don't. And it's still quite a way off - at that age even a few months feels like a long time and things can change a lot.
I'd vote for keeping as many doors open for as long as possible, provided you don't think that the stress of doing the tests is too high and that you have an achievable plan for the finances if you do go for the private option.

I agree. Luckily, because we are church goers we'd probably get another extremely good state school, She does not want to go to that school though because it is co-ed, and at the moment she dislikes having boys at school because she believes they disrupt her learning. I've explained that she just needs to stay in the top sets where the other children will all be equally as motivated, but she isn't buying it. We have a VERY strict school nearby that she is happy to go to, also because she thinks disruption will be low (this is, of course, very true), but that school is a true lottery.

OP posts:
Femining · 15/10/2025 14:51

I agree she should take the test. She's worked for it and i don't want to instill the idea of quitting.

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Ihaveausername · 15/10/2025 15:50

Have you been to visit the schools? Whe we were considering the options we visited a few schools. DD fell in love with one of them, and while not my first choice, I understood her point of view. Fortunately she got in and it was the best opportunity for her.

ApathyCentral · 15/10/2025 15:54

Femining · 15/10/2025 14:49

I agree. Luckily, because we are church goers we'd probably get another extremely good state school, She does not want to go to that school though because it is co-ed, and at the moment she dislikes having boys at school because she believes they disrupt her learning. I've explained that she just needs to stay in the top sets where the other children will all be equally as motivated, but she isn't buying it. We have a VERY strict school nearby that she is happy to go to, also because she thinks disruption will be low (this is, of course, very true), but that school is a true lottery.

If she’s essentially happy with, and guaranteed to get into at least one of, the state options-then I wouldn’t bother sitting the private tests. In the event that you want to move her later on, the private schools will test at that time. You just won’t get any of the /scholarships.

mamagogo1 · 15/10/2025 15:57

State is fine, use the extra money to take educational road trips for instance through Europe eg we went to Germany including Heidelberg, Bavaria etc visiting historic sites, went to Italy and places like Madrid and Toledo. Also extra curricular and safe for university

egganbacon · 15/10/2025 16:00

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 14/10/2025 20:25

She's 11. She cannot make a fully informed decision.
She doesn't get to pick.

If the state school isnt guaranteed you need to start explaining the concept of "option creation" and "contingency planning"

All other things being equal unless there's co.pelling rationale or you are fabulously wealthy... I'd take state and invest the cash for uni / first house

She absolutely can make a decision!
This scenario happened to me .
I got into local Grammar school but my parents still sent me to private school.
I wanted to go where my friends were going.
I vowed not to work at the school and stuck to my guns . Absolutely bloody hated the place,failed my O levels and went to college to retake.
I definitely would have worked a lot harder and enjoyed school if I had been listened to.

Hopingtobeaparent · 16/10/2025 14:10

cestlavielife · 14/10/2025 20:14

She wants to go to state school.
Do it
Spend the money in educational road trips

This.

The private school experience will be quite different if you have no money left for the extra curricular stuff that also comes with it.

And what about the following 2 children? If it’s going to be a pinch to pay for number 1, can you afford it for all 3?

Rebmolellmar · 12/03/2026 18:32

Hi did she take the tests and get into private school
what did you decide
my daughter has been offered a big bursary to go to private but she wants to to to state where all her friends are going(although she was up for going to private all the way but we didn’t get high enough bursary to start with they came back to us with a higher offer)

CurlewKate · 12/03/2026 19:19

Honestly? If it’ll be a sharp pinch, don’t do it. Particuarly if you’ve got more children. There are better things to do with the money.

Boilingfrogatprimaryschool · 12/03/2026 21:16

I am thinking about entering DD for 11+ in a couple of years but my local state options seem more than good enough and I'm confident she would have 3 excellent ones to pick from.

I'm wobbling. One minute I think I'll probably go state as the super selective in my area are some of the top in the country and I have concerns about how rich the people will be. Only the super rich and those on a bursery will be able to go and all the middle class kids with parents that don't work in finance/tech will be at the state schools.

Then I start to worry about the new Children's Wellbeing Bill. Mainly I'm concerned about the effect of pushing SEN into mainstream schools and how schools will manage this with limited resources. Extra curricular I'm not so worried about as there is tons locally, but smaller class sizes is very appealing.

I'd like to keep my options open for a move in year 8 or 9 if it wasn't working out.
So does she sit the 11+ and see what offers come in? Would this give them a baseline and make a later entry easier or would a new test be required for entry into year 8/9? This I don't know and need to find out.

You say your DD is being prepped but the exams aren't until December so you're looking at the rest of the year - that's a lot of work. Then in year 6, while the prep kids relax, the state kids are being drilled for SATs. You need to decide how hard you will 'prep' and if you will be happy doing a light touch and see what happens or go all in so you have no regrets.

It's a tough one and I don't think I've been any help at all.... maybe you can report back and let me know 😂

Femining · 14/03/2026 22:57

We got the state school we wanted last week and we are very happy with it.

My daughter actually really loved the 11 plus process. It brought out the inner academic in her, even since she has been beavering away until she is now scoring full marks in some of the mock SATS that they are sitting in school.

She loved the experience of working hard, having an exam and doing well in it, and it has also convinced her that she is smart! So she's very confident and driven and it has fired up a desire to learn.

So although she is now going to the state school, she says she would prep for the 11 plus again.

We are very happy. The state school is one people pay a lot of money to move into the catchment for, we didn't need to do that, very fortunate. And with several kids behind her and who knows what is happening with the world and economy, I feel much more secure in not needing to pay £35k per year per child for 7 years.....

I did come to the decision that for us we would really need to have the money in a fund of some sort, available in full that we would draw from every academic year. The potential fragility of paying for private fees as we earned it would just have been too stressful and more stressful than it's worth with the state options we had. We are lucky the state option was her top choice.

So, we're feeling very grateful for all of this.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 14/03/2026 23:06

She is the one that has to sit through it every day we went with what our child wanted because it is their life not ours

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