What to do with a bright child?

[Mumanddone]

I will be accused of bragging but I really am looking for genuine ideas here please.

4yo DD has started reception. She is in a private school. She can read fluently, writes and her maths skills are great. She is basically bilingual. She carries a conversation like a grown up - she’s hugely imaginative and great fun to talk to. She’s not some prodigy - she’s actually a bit of a silly little girl prone to not listening but she is objectively very very bright.

When I observe her peers, I don’t feel like they are on the same wavelength for the most part. Some of them are barely able to string a sentence together and they still seem to have very infantile form of expression. DD makes friends easily and is happy to play with anyone but at the same time - will this hold her back?

we decided for private school to boost her, but wondering if this is enough. I suppose there is a sliding scale to private education. Are there places better suited for her? Or is there something we should be doing to support her at home/ outside. She does the general run of clubs ie: drama, swimming etc.

Her teacher has had her on year 2 books since last year but at home she reads anything and everything. She is pretty much fluent I’d say. A sight reader and most words don’t phase her apart from very tricky new ones and place names that she may not have heard of. She also reads with the right emphasis and dramatic effect which I think is nice. Teacher has said it’s exceptional but definitely not ‘unseen’.

Yes I think we’re very much on the same wavelength here! I was bright and got amazing academic results but now I am “just a teacher”. You’re so right - they are their own people and we mustn’t let our expectations sabotage them.

Isn’t it telling of the modern day that any switched on child starts being labelled as ND? I’ve been told this before and I must say I find it hilarious.

Did you teach her to read, do maths etc. or did she figure it out on her own? Because if she's ahead due to being taught before starting school, there's every chance that the others will catch up and they'll be on the same level. DS started school this year and he is ahead of most in his class as he can already read in both his languages but that's because I taught him how to read in English (he did figure out Finnish on his own but its a pretty simple language to read in, nothing like figuring out English on your own) so I don't expect him to remain ahead, his classmates will catch up soon enough.

I agree with those suggesting to give her a chance to fail, that can really help avoid issues when school work gets harder. I put DS in sports - his football team is terrible so he gets a chance to fail at every match
Chess is another good shout, DS learnt around 4 years old, I play against him and I don't let him win so he gets used to losing. His dad lets him win so he gets a chance to win sometimes and feel good but too much of that isn't good.
And musical instruments are the classic way to stretch a bright child. Or learn another language - much easier as she's already bilingual.

Music lessons? I started Violin and Piano at that age.

Thanks all. This has been very informative and helpful.

DD and I do lots of enriching activities - we read, we visit libraries, museums, concerts and other fun activities. Also the non-high brow ones like cinema, soft play etc. We are on the go a lot.

in my opinion, her social skills are strong. She doesn’t have “best friends” as such yet but her teacher says this is normal and best at this age. She is a popular girl at school and is happy to play with others and by herself. She plays by herself all the time at home.

think the most important thing now is to do what is clearly working. I will continue to work on my own expectations because I don’t ever want her to feel like she is fulfilling whatever I wasn’t able to do etc. Being told to sit back and relax is not new to me haha!

Yes this has been suggested a few times and is definitely on our radar! I think school is offering some starting now. We want to enrol her in piano and later a brass instrument

Honestly if you're in an affluent area then in my experience your dd won't be an outlier. Other parents keep their cards close to their chests. You may find out in two years that little Persephone has achieved grade 8 piano and Farquhar has been selected to write an anthology of poetry for some literary prize and the parents were hamming it up at the school gates pretending they could only read c-a-t.

Well, it’s certainly telling of our increased knowledge about how autism manifests in high-masking females. None of us know your daughter, we’re mentioning it because if there is an issue the smartest and most helpful thing you can do is notice and support accordingly.

First step - ignore the general sentiment against helping your children to learn that exists in the UK.

Where I live, everything you wrote is seen as great, but for some reason in the UK, if you suggest any type of activity that isn't play for young children, or suggest any merit to doing academic things at a young age, you get shot down..

Kids must be kids and all that.

It's a load of bolloks though. Life outcomes in the UK are consistently better for population groups that emphasizes learning and academic principles from a young age. Not just their eventual academic performance, but their career earnings, marriage stability, health and happiness etc.

My advice is just to refuse to get dragged into the competitive side. Your job is to help your daughter develop to be the best version of herself. Not better than other children. She might be or not, but that is the trap I see parents of able children fall into. It isn't good enough that their child is a great reader... They have to be a better reader than the other children. That can lead to a whole load of social and emotional issues for the child who absorbs it all from their parents.

If you're are helping her develop into the best and most capable version of herself, then great, you are going a good job as her mum.

How is she on practical problem solving and task based skills? Could she (with supervision) cook a simple dish by reading the recipe? Or complete a 7+ Lego set? Or finish a craft kit on her own etc. Quite a few academic children end up ignoring practical problem solving competencies, so that might be something you can encourage. Especially completing the tasks with as much independence as possible, so that she has room to solve practical problems.

Yes I think this thread is quite telling and obvious I’m not British (have lived here most of my life enough). I don’t think having high expectations is always a bad thing but I am very much not a tiger mum! Quite the opposite. My child is currently sat with an ice lolly watching The Summer I turned pretty with me 😝

Disagree, and this comment comes across to me as mean spirited.

@Mumanddone
I'd say the private school.is a good idea. Is it single sex?
Regardless, it's a good idea.

Keep supplying her with books and encourage her interest and engagement in mathematics. Do outings if that's your style of parenting, and have her help you around the home too - kids who are taught and consistently expected to do chores develop high self esteem. Your child has the potential to be a very high flyer.

The only advice I'd offer in every area of her endeavours, and I hope you take it seriously, is to always praise effort rather than results, and to encourage risk taking even when you know the end result will be disappointing or upsetting for your child - this applies to scraped knees as well as getting maths wrong or dropping laundry en route to the washing machine. The quality you want to encourage in your child above all else is resilience, the ability to pick herself up and try again, assessing for herself where she went wrong or taking constructive criticism well.

Chat with her, share your interests with her, make sure you listen and encourage her to share hers with you. Ask her to come up with assessments of the cause of quarrels and sticky situations among her peers and among her friendship group and see if she can come up with her own approaches to conflict and hurt, while still offering a shoulder to cry on.

Don't voice your own opinions on her peers. She needs to meet other people where they are, and everyone has something to offer, socially speaking, even if their reading age or ability to express themselves is llimited. You may well find yourself surprised at her choice of friends, but try to see what she sees in kids she wants to play with.

Music is a great idea.

Start with piano, absolutely.

But let her choose what she wants to move to afterwards. She should try a few instruments. A good, honest teacher will help her pick an instrument she's suited to. Support her choice, even if it's percussion or bass guitar or bagpipes or something else that is a long way off your radar.

What a beautiful post 🥰

I second this! Thank you so much. I will take this on board. Once again I am not a tiger mum who expects excellence. But I can see a spark in my child and want to nourish it. Some great suggestions here

By being spoken to in correct English and by being read to - all of my DCs were reading by age 4 simply because I read to them a lot, running my finger along under the lines as I read when they got to age 3 or so. They wanted to know how I knew the stories, and I showed them.

There are more ways of learning to read than the promoters of phonics will ever admit. Probably as many paths to fluency as there are learners, in fact.

Enrol her in some extra curriculars like Squirrels and sports

No not single sex and consciously so - don’t believe in single sex education.

Oh yes absolutely I support all her relationships. As she’s an only child I am always very keen for her to make any sort of bonds.

The main thing you can do is encourage reading. That is known to improve academic performance, even in maths, and obviously it is a great way for anyone of any age to entertain themselves.

Other than that, try to talk to her as much as possible about anything and everything, and do as many things as possible with her - stuff at home like cookery and art or craft, growing vegetables, etc etc etc. Take her out and about as much as you are able so she can have a wide range of experiences.

Ahh, this was me a few years ago! My son is still clearly very bright and switched on but the gap is lessening as his peers catch up.
He still needs to go to the other class for books but really it’s less noticeable.

I very much agree with not really pushing her at this age, let her be a little girl, encourage other non academic things.

My son is probably a bit behind on the social side of things, he’s very empathetic but we do wonder about possible autism due to his funny mannerisms (which were extremely cute at 4) and issues with change etc.

I think it’s his ability to notice patterns in anything that meant he read very early and do maths very well.

Well, it's not that hilarious as reading is not just being "switched on", it's a highly abstract skill that requires either a certain level of development or an autistic brain.

BTW I'm not suggesting your DD is ND, I've seen lots of children who were reading at 3 or 4, some of them got diagnosed later on, others are perfectly NT (but also levelled out).

There are lots of girls like your DD in super selective private schools, you've missed the boat for 4+ but you might want to explore 7+ options. My DD went to one of the super selectives and it felt pretty normal to be a fluent reader there.

Is it too late? Can’t she join mid year? I’d quite like her to be in a class full of other readers - or at least consider it…

Another one supporting the chess suggestion. DS started at 5 and that pattern brain of his just loved it. He could beat us within a few months (we’re not very good) and started at a chess club. He finds this great fun and it’s brilliant because he loses more than he wins which is great for him as he previously would get very upset with not being ‘perfect’.

Bright girls are not being stretched as much as boys in British co-ed schools compared to girls only.

That may well be but I’d rather my daughter has a rounded social life with both sexes than be in a girls school and it’s more rigour.