How likely is bullying in college?

[Acatrui]

My grandson has just turned 17 on Sunday and is starting college next Monday. He lives with me and his dad and we've had many issues with him but I'm really hoping college goes well. He was so against it because my son promised they'd move where they used to live and he could start college there, obviously this hasn't happened and he's reluctantly agreed to go. He's still saying he doesn't want to make any friends but the ones where they used to live aren't being very nice toward him and are leaving him out of things etc.

I suspect he's autistic (like my son) but he doesn't want to know so I think applying for an EHCP would be a struggle. I'm also worried about his MH, his eating because of comments his friends made when they were here and he self harms and threatens suicide regularly usually to get things though like a new PC but I am worried in case he actually needs it. He smokes weed etc so I am hoping college will get him into a routine. He's not been in a classroom in well over a year due to school refusal. He was having a tutor and going to school on a reduced timetable in Y10 but then he suddenly refused both and didn't go the entire year 11 (last year).

He's told us he's worried about going on the bus because it's a new place but my son has offered to go with him the first day if he wants. He sort of agreed then said what if people laugh at him because he's 17 etc. Then that spiralled into a full on panic about being bullied, he's gay but he doesn't talk about it and has said he won't be coming out to anyone but it might be obvious because he likes anime, hates sport but does like gaming. He doesn't wear branded clothes with massive logos across or anything like that which is another worry for him, I was going to offer to take him shopping but at the same time that's sort of suggesting he needs to change himself so I haven't yet.

He does like gaming and LEGO which will be a common interest if he does decide to make friends and I've told him this but then he said he’ll annoy them by talking about the same thing like he did with his current friends (they haven't said this but he thinks there pulling away from him and he doesn't know why or what he's done). He has no friends here at the minute it was those friends or online.

The course is a foundation course, maths and English with a choice of 3 vocational subjects to sample. We went to the college yesterday and sorted it out and luckily they did have a space. I think they said they mostly have people on it with an EHCP but agreed it would be best for him and it wasn't a requirement.

I'm just wondering how common bullying is and what I can do to help him? My son was bullied in school but he enjoyed college a lot more and wasn't bullied there at all but I'm aware things mightve changed and he's been through a lot so I just want this to go well for him

This boy / young man needs extensive professional support OP, not college.

Im afraid college will almost certainly not work out.

The focus needs to be getting him professional help. And sharpish

He was referred to CAMHS last year, but likely wont be seen at all as he's 18 next August. He refuses to talk about possibly being autistic but it is very possible, my son is diagnosed autistic and grandson has a lot of traits, though some could be mixed with trauma as his mum was neglectful hence why my son has full custody of him. He doesn't act like a 16/17 year old but he's also not got very good social skills due to him not having friends here, he stays in his room all day gaming/watching shows. If he loses his current friends which is likely and they aren't good for him anyway but he was seeing them a few times a year, he won't be socialising with anyone in person minus me and his dad and he barely talks to us either. He needs to get out of the house and socialising/in a routine which he hasn't had in over a year.

He won't go to the GP and due to his age GP won't talk to me or his dad without permission. They've just told us to take him to A&E or call 111 if we genuinely think he's in crisis which we would do but we don't know what really classes as that. He self harms but taking him to A&E everytime doesn't seem like it’d do much and he hides it from us anyway so we don't know most the time. It's also getting him to A&E in the first place!

He has induction days tomorrow and Friday which I've agreed to take and pick him up but I can't long term do that. He then will officially start his course on Monday

Do you have the money for private op?

From what you’ve outlined, college is a non starter.

focus squarely on addressing the many issues that are serious and will only get more serious. How is he paying for weed?

I can't afford private and it’d be up to him to engage but in his words there's nothing wrong with him so he'd never agree.

He’d message my son and ask for money saying we had no food etc (we did) and my son would just give it to him although he's moved in now so grandson will no longer be able to lie about it. We'll need to give him money for lunches which is a worry in case he decides to use that on weed instead of a lunch

Your son needs to find the money for therapy for his son op

and you and your son need to stop giving him money that is spent on weed

he takes a packed lunch until he can be trusted

There will be other autistic children at college. He may well find his tribe. But you can't let him emotionally blackmail you, no matter how his MH is.

I don't think that college is a non-starter. He should try it while you look for other sources of help. Do you know what support the college can offer themselves? If most of the others in the class have a ECHP they must offer something. They may also know of other youth mental health/support services that your GS could access.

On your original question about bullying, it is impossible to answer but there is more awareness of how damaging it is now so the College should take action if he us bullied.

I don't think that college is a non-starter. He should try it while you look for other sources of help. Do you know what support the college can offer themselves? If most of the others in the class have a ECHP they must offer something. They may also know of other youth mental health/support services that your GS could access.

On your original question about bullying, it is impossible to answer but there is more awareness of how damaging it is now so the College should take action if he us bullied.

Sorry - double post. I will ask for it to be deleted

@Nappyvalley15
he doesn’t want to go
he has very serious mental health problems
he sounds addicted to weed
he hasnt been in education since year 10 and even then on a reduced timetable

I think the op has to be realistic. College isn’t right now.

Such foundation courses in colleges are often held in their own area since they are aimed at DC with EHCPs, so bullying from people in the wider college is less likely.

Foundation courses aren’t like typical college, so the fact some may think college isn’t suitable right now, doesn’t mean the foundation course isn’t. A lot of it is aimed at building self esteem/confidence/independence, mental health support, reintegration into formal education, supporting the transition into college…

A diagnosis isn’t required for an EHCP. Would DGS be open to requesting an ECHNA if he knew he didn’t need a diagnosis?

I’ve got 2 boys with autism who have gone through college and they’ve not seemed to experience any bullying. My youngest is currently at college - he doesn’t have a diagnosis of asd - and is surrounded by a number that f very “quirky” individuals. As for being gay in 2025, nobody cares.

"He's told us he's worried about going on the bus because it's a new place but my son has offered to go with him the first day if he wants. He sort of agreed then said what if people laugh at him because he's 17 etc. "
Is it a public service bus? If so, do a dummy run on Saturday. It's more difficult if it's a college bus. (A couple of days before two sixth form taster days, I did a dummy run with my DD to both colleges, because she was nervous. No SEN in her case, but covid meant she hadn't been into town on her own.)

Take him on the bus before his first day so no one else sees him being supported

Unfortunately mental health support for teens/young adults is woeful. I know from experience. There is very little actual support out there.

College may work out for him. I wouldn't write it off like some posters have.

The course sounds ideal. He'll be with other students who sound like they need additional support. It's likely to be in a calmer, smaller group and he may find he gels better with that student cohort.

I'd look at getting an EHCP if you can. It's not easy but speak to the college Senco and see if the process can be started.

If he goes and actually quite likes it then it could be a turning point for his confidence. Is there anyway at all that he can be driven or discretely accompanied on the bus even if only for the first couple of weeks? The actual stress of getting there could be a barrier without support. I changed my work hours to be able to get my struggling child to college.

The weed is a big issue. It will be causing havoc with already fragile mental health. He'll feel it helps but it doesn't. Can the GP offer any help with this?

I hope it goes well for him. You'll only know by encouraging him to try.

If he won’t engage in professional help and you’re finding it hard to access anyway, I wonder if there are charities in your area that maybe able to offer support with addiction and /or mental health issues. If he doesn’t want to engage they might at least be able to support you?

There’ll be a TA in the classroom as well as the tutor and it's mostly about building confidence but he'll be studying maths and english (maybe not GCSE level, they'll assess him to see if it'll be GCSE or functional skills) and sampling vocational courses. He did seem interested in the IT course but he's still adamant he wants to be a twitch streamer. I do think normal college would be too much right now and the college agreed the course would be best for him right now. It's a 1 year one and hopefully he'll do well and things will Improve.

He's worried about them guessing he's gay mostly, he never talks about it and I don't think he's fully accepted himself after his mum not accepting him but I do think him experiencing homophobia is unlikely especially in college but he's said what if people start on him when he's waiting for the bus for example. He does tend to think the worst though but he won't listen to any reassurance because we don't know it won't happen which is true. I have tried to tell him he can't go through life worrying about x happening but I don't think it's really sunk in

The GP wouldn't talk to me due to his age unfortunately so no help there as they'll need his consent which he won't give. It is a public bus, I think I will suggest us going at the weekend to gain some confidence. I took him in today and I'll pick him up and the same tomorrow, it's his induction days today and tomorrow. I can't take him everyday as I have to log on to WFH at 9 and he won't be starting until 10, today and tomorrow he's starting at 9 so I dropped him off at about 8:45,

He did go without too much issues, he was complaining he's tired but got ready etc without too much fuss. The only issue we really had was him not being able to find a hoodie he wanted to wear and then he found it in the wash and still wanted to wear it and after I told him to wear something else he did shout at me that he wasn't going then but I kept calm and ignored him and he went and put another on.

He's messaged me during his lunch and said it was “fine” but he's not complaining so I'll take that as a plus!

Half his class will be gay, bi or trans OP

My DD found college a totally different environment to school. She's also ASD and was teased a lot at school for her awkwardness and hair colour.
It just hasn't happened at college. At all. Students are more mature, more diverse, being gay is not an issue. Teaching staff v on the ball and behaviour standards are high.
Support/counselling also available.
She's been very happy.

Did he take in lunch or money op?

This is true! It's probably more weird to be straight these days

Its not likely he will be bullied for being gay or his clothing choice. College is very different to school - there are many different people there! He will probably find a lot of people enjoy anime & gaming and even lego and most likely a lot will be gay or bi or even trans.

It is telling that he is so embarrassed and concerned about his classmates hearing he’s gay.

why? Because it reveals how far removed he is from his peers because being gay is really no big deal at all amongst this generation.

I think the reason he's worried about them finding out he's gay is because he's not fully accepted himself yet especially because of how his mum reacted when he came out to her. I'm also unsure if he has been bullied previously, he said he wasn't but he did suddenly start school refusing when they lived down south

He took money for lunch, he doesn't really eat sandwiches so I gave him just enough to buy some lunch. I am slightly concerned though as he only eats one meal a day usually so I don't know if he actually did eat anything. I'm unsure whether college would be able to keep an eye on it

He has seemed to have a good day but he was complaining he's tired apparently he woke up at 5 this morning. He went straight to bed as soon as we got back. I am pleased to know college is likely to be different, I'm unsure whether he would agree to an EHCP as he's still adamant there's nothing wrong with him (those are his words btw) but if someone at the college brought it up to him he could be slightly more likely to agree