How likely is bullying in college?

[Acatrui]

My grandson has just turned 17 on Sunday and is starting college next Monday. He lives with me and his dad and we've had many issues with him but I'm really hoping college goes well. He was so against it because my son promised they'd move where they used to live and he could start college there, obviously this hasn't happened and he's reluctantly agreed to go. He's still saying he doesn't want to make any friends but the ones where they used to live aren't being very nice toward him and are leaving him out of things etc.

I suspect he's autistic (like my son) but he doesn't want to know so I think applying for an EHCP would be a struggle. I'm also worried about his MH, his eating because of comments his friends made when they were here and he self harms and threatens suicide regularly usually to get things though like a new PC but I am worried in case he actually needs it. He smokes weed etc so I am hoping college will get him into a routine. He's not been in a classroom in well over a year due to school refusal. He was having a tutor and going to school on a reduced timetable in Y10 but then he suddenly refused both and didn't go the entire year 11 (last year).

He's told us he's worried about going on the bus because it's a new place but my son has offered to go with him the first day if he wants. He sort of agreed then said what if people laugh at him because he's 17 etc. Then that spiralled into a full on panic about being bullied, he's gay but he doesn't talk about it and has said he won't be coming out to anyone but it might be obvious because he likes anime, hates sport but does like gaming. He doesn't wear branded clothes with massive logos across or anything like that which is another worry for him, I was going to offer to take him shopping but at the same time that's sort of suggesting he needs to change himself so I haven't yet.

He does like gaming and LEGO which will be a common interest if he does decide to make friends and I've told him this but then he said he’ll annoy them by talking about the same thing like he did with his current friends (they haven't said this but he thinks there pulling away from him and he doesn't know why or what he's done). He has no friends here at the minute it was those friends or online.

The course is a foundation course, maths and English with a choice of 3 vocational subjects to sample. We went to the college yesterday and sorted it out and luckily they did have a space. I think they said they mostly have people on it with an EHCP but agreed it would be best for him and it wasn't a requirement.

I'm just wondering how common bullying is and what I can do to help him? My son was bullied in school but he enjoyed college a lot more and wasn't bullied there at all but I'm aware things mightve changed and he's been through a lot so I just want this to go well for him

Is he supposed to be in 5 days a week?

No, It's 4 days a week

How did this morning go?

It was a bit more difficult to get him to go today. When he was at college yesterday my son went in his room looking for weed (to confiscate!), he didn't find any but grandson knew he’d been in his room (he didn't know it was because my son was looking for weed though) as he also took empty cans out of his room. He then kicked off and started accusing my son of deleting his game save when he hadn't been on the PC - it has a password and neither of us know it. He hates us going in his room anyway and I did stop taking clothes in because it just causes a row so I leave him to it for the most part. I have been in and taken razors in the past that he self harms with.

But anyway, he was still in a mood this morning especially about the game as he'd had that save for ages etc etc and wouldn't listen when my son told him he hadn't touched the game and got angry when he suggested maybe he'd done it himself accidentally (or the friends that were here last week). He said he wasn't going to college because he couldn't trust either of us not to go in his room, that my son just loves upsetting him for no reason and started on again about the promise to move down south. In the end he did go in but he was about half an hour late which then caused me to be late to a dentist appointment I had. He didn't care and said he was going to tell them it's his dads fault because it is.

He's ignored my messages today that I sent and asked how his day is going, I knew it wouldn't be as straight forward as yesterday was forever, but I didn't expect him to fully kick off on day 2. Now his birthday has been and gone his attitude is definitely back to how it was previously

Do you have “find my” for him?

I have used it in the past when he went to see his friends down south and to a concert with them etc, he wasn't happy about it but knew that was the only way he'd be allowed to go. He refuses it any other time though, he says he's not allowing me to stalk him

Either you or your son are giving him money, and decent money, in order to obtain weed
OP.

You either stop that OR you use the money as a carrot ie money for I get to see your location.
or money and no fuss going to college

As said, my son was giving him money as he'd message him lying that we didn't have any food in and my son would just send it without speaking to me. He's now living with us again so grandson will no longer be able to lie about that, I have no doubts he'll try to though. He also threatened suicide to get a new PC after he spilt juice on his old one, again my son gave in but it was just the 2 of them as I was away with my daughter.

I haven't given him an allowance for a while, I didn't even give him any money on his birthday last Sunday, just presents. Though my son did give him money so he has that.

I did suggest us go on the bus to college today as a practice run but he said no straight away because there was a football match so it'd be busy (we do live very close to a football stadium in all fairness). He was also in a snappy mood today and said college is too tiring. I've tried to explain that he'll have 2 days, then a day off and then another 2 days and then the weekend but he wasn't interested, it's hard to talk to him when he's in a mood like this though.

Ok so who’s paying for his mobile phone?

There will be something you can use as a carrot

If he wants money he gets a part time job

My son pays for his phone, he was talking about suggesting he buy a game if he goes for x number of weeks but then there's the chance he gets the game and doesn't go. Strangely, as much as he's praised the more unlikely to continue to do it he is! He was on a reduced timetable at school in year 10 (he started at that school at the beginning of Y10 after moving in the summer holidays) with the plan to build it up to full time. It started as until the beginning of lunchtime for a couple of weeks, then he'd stay during lunch but leave when it had finished, then leave at 2pm then fulltime. This was also with the agreement he wasn't going to be forced to do PE because he made that very clear that he wasn't going if he had to do PE, the school were quite good especially as he was a new student and I think they did have some concerns but he wasn't there long enough for them to say anything for sure. He only got as far as staying until after lunch and then he stopped both that and the tutor he had over zoom and didn't go the whole of year 11.

RE part time job, I think that's too ambitious for the moment.

The problem is your son
Your grandson isn’t like this because of overnight poor parenting
This is the product of years of his father not addressing issues, not discipline, not being consistent.

I imagine your son has given you a fair amount of grief over the years op

I think it's a bit of both tbh, I think some of the behaviour is down to trauma due to his mum being neglectful and we don't know to what extent he doesn't talk about her, I know he didn't have a tooth brush at his mums, he once mentioned it to my son and he bought him one to have at his mums and grandson didn't mention it again so he thought it was sorted but turns out the mum took the toothbrush away and yes we only have grandsons word for that but he did need teeth out (adult ones) so he's definitely not making it up. He hadn't seen a dentist until he started living with my son either, as his mum was a resident parent my son sort of assumed (rightly or wrongly) that she was taking him. In the end he was taken because his mum was living with a man and it was unsafe for the children to be around him. We don't know much else, I think he was going to get therapy/play therapy as social services did mention that but then covid happened so that didn't happen and they were then signed off

I do think my son sometimes does overcompensate because he's been through a lot and also the fact he threatens suicide, my son instantly gives in. My son has had MH Issues on and off for years and has been suicidal so I guess he can't just ignore it especially because grandson does self harm

My son didn't cause many problems growing up and hasn't over the years tbh, he is autistic and does struggle a lot with budging and managing money, I think that's the biggest problem because no matter how many times I try he doesn't get it

Has he been in all 4 days op?

Far less than at school. Support is generally better.

I work in a uni and see a big difference between the kids who come to open days and the ‘young adults’ who start courses.

They tend to mature a bit in the gap period and are mostly so excited and happy to be at uni! Of course there are still ‘tribes’ (usually those in the same lectures / transport / living locations etc) and I see students far more likely to be hanging out with a wider variety of people, and not being tribal in their outlook.

Definately speak to student support - DS does say the ones at his uni are ‘blue haired nutjobs’ and is very wary of them, I’ve never met them! The ones where I am are lovely and very helpful - from emotional issues to practical help (ie dyslexia, physical disabilities, financial or family issues, etc).

How’s it going op? Has he stuck at it @Acatrui ?

I think the lack of response tells us he’s causing his poor grandmother more stress by refusing to go