Chorister parents: help! Choristership vs ASD/ADHD disorganisation and burnout...?

[ProspectiveChoristerParent]

Should I send DS 8 to choir school?

He is a musician in every fibre of his being. It's all he wants to do, it's all he's ever wanted to do. He has grade 6 on 2 instruments (playing repertoire at diploma levels) and grade 3 in singing, and is desperately keen to become a boarding chorister at one of the college choral foundations.

As he's older than the usual audition age I've been contacting choir schools (choral foundations and cathedrals) to see if we can organise voice trials. I've sent them videos of him singing/ playing and every single one has been hugely encouraging and said his playing on both instruments is remarkable and his singing is excellent (he only started this year) and would advance very quickly if he were a chorister. So, musically it seems likely he'd get in somewhere, and have a great time.

He's also absolutely miserable, bored and disengaged with school where we are and only comes alive at music things outside school. So shifting to a college choir school would be a good move.

The problem is, he is autistic (level 1) with ADHD (inattentive). He's socially immature, he's distractible (with everything except music, where he is hyper-focused) and disorganised. Give him several intense weeks in a row and he's increasingly vague and off topic for everything except music and maths, slow eating, forgetting to go to the toilet, finding it difficult to sleep. While I think he'd adore it, I think he'd reach burnout very quickly.

Purcell, Chets, Menuhin, St Mary's would all be similarly intense.

We can't afford to send him to a good private school with loads of music, unless he's on some kind of chorister bursary.

Arggggh! What do we do?

We know someone who was in this position op and I have sent you a pm

There are lots of non boarding choirs now, would this work for you? I think new college Oxford for example

The choristers don't board at Chets (unless it's changed dramatically?). In my experience though your son sounds like he would fit in great, my DC thrived on the intense schedule.

Ah, sorry, you meant Chets for instruments not choir as a comparison, I misread I think.

This sounds like loads of choristers I know! I’d think he would thrive as a boarding chorister if you choose one with a supportive, nurturing house team, a school Senco who understands the choristers’ schedule, and a good relationship between cathedral and school. I’d suggest a smaller institution (like Christ Church in Oxford, or Westminster Abbey) would work best, as in some of the larger choir schools there might not be as much understanding of the choristers among all the staff. Children who have difficulties in one area really need to be somewhere where they can be recognised for what they’re brilliant at.

A choir school without boarding does also sound like a good idea - but I strongly suggest only if it’s near where you live. My son has such a busy schedule between school, choir and instrument practice that I can’t imagine fitting in a commute as well. The structure of boarding life - with a set time to do everything in - is what makes choristership work for him because it makes sure he has time for relaxation too.

Hi OP.
I’d start by identifying the choirs you’d be interested in and have a direct and frank discussion with them. It sounds like it could be a great success to me, but I understand your concerns that it could go the other way. My DS is about to start his second year as a boarding chorister and I’d say all the choristers he’s with are talented, quirky, but fairly mature boys. They have to be able to live in community and they have to follow instructions and directions well. Performing in public at services and concerts, not to mention international tours, means they have to be able to behave well and the tight schedule does really need them to be able to organise themselves. Having said that, he’s only 8 and he will have lots of help during his first year, when he’d be a Probationer. He wouldn’t be expected to have all those skills straight away and they should give him lots of help and support. He’d also have the example of the other choristers to follow. If it doesn’t work out, well you tried. But I’d also say they’re very unlikely to offer him a place if they don’t think it will.
in your shoes I would 100% give it a try. Feel free to DM me any time.

We had a similar dilemma to you, as in DS would have been a fantastic chorister, and thrived on all the music, but I don’t think boarding would have been good for him (he is also AuDHD) and I’m not convinced his academics would have been supported in the way I would have liked (given his own issues / learning style). So we chose not to pursue that route.

For a long time I wondered if I’d made the wrong choice, not sending him to be a chorister - but he absolutely thrived in a trebles choir outside of school, and then at secondary school has had lots of great singing / music opportunities, and I don’t think it has done him any disservice.

It does sound like your DS could do with a different school environment, regardless, though? I would just be cautious of the social pressures of boarding school on him, though, especially given how young he is. But maybe he would fit in better in an environment with other children who are more on his wavelength?

It really depends where you are as to whether you can access a non boarding choir. He doesn't sound like a candidate for boarding yet if he forgets to go to the toilet and eats slowly and has some attention and sleep difficulties.

The psalms, especially, need sustained concentration to both learn and sing and can seem boring at first. Also, in a cathedral choir they're not all at the same level, or age obviously.The older choristers are much more capable and the younger ones absorb their craft gradually by being in the mix, but they do need to be able to focus, sit still, not talk, find the right music quickly for eg.

Have you approached any local prep schools with good music set ups to see if they'd give him a decent bursary? With that level of achievement already I'd have thought at least one would be biting your hand off.

I really hope your son finds the right pathway for him OP. Choral singing and music is so good for children and there are proven benefits for neurodiverse kids. My only concern would be the boarding element and the discipline of these very strict choir schools as he is developing. Only you know him but you would have to weigh up how well he would cope with it, and without the familiar routine of home. But he sounds fantastic!

Is he 8 years old or Year 8?

8 years old. Choristers notmalky audition at age 7

Thanks all. Food for thought here. I agree he’s not an obvious boarder. Will look at places like New, though as they start the process in Yr2 he’s probably too old.

Any intel about Salisbury? Winchester? Ely? Westminster Abbey?

I have a very similar child, also ADHD and severely dyslexic, but no autism in the mix.

Only ever interested in music, to the exclusion of pretty much everything else. But... not classical, and a girl so (back when she was 7) not eligible for choir schools.

We learned to prioritise the music over everything else from very early on, and she's now 16 and starting at music college on Monday where she is studying that and nothing else (hallelujah!).

I have lots of friends whose sons were boarding choristers, and they were/are all a bit quirky, so I don't think it will be a bad fit.

I would look at Well's. They seem to be good at looking after their music kids - and making it the priority.

We went down the route of a primary with a performing arts specialism, and then a comp with a HUGE music department. She was on a music place there and so that was prioritised over other things and she ended up with a bespoke timetable that gave her more time for music and a reduced exam burden (it was very obvious that she was never going to suddenly want 12 GCSEs and a switch to academics 😂). She had a lovely time at secondary, has passed everything needed and aced the music, and has been very happy.

We did look at boarding for her as she would have benefited from the structure and opportunities (but there aren't the same options for girls on the singing front and we couldn't afford fees without a massive bursary).

I know of a chorister with adhd who has done well. Not at a boarding school though. I don’t think boating at aged 8 is a good idea for any child let alone one with ASD.

Have you considered Bristol Cathedral choir OP? Bristol Cathedral choir school is state funded.

I’m an enthusiastic advocate for boarding for the right child at the right time. I have in the fairly recent past taken a confident, outgoing, self reliant and energetic ten year old to look at boarding schools with a chorister element. In the end we and they came to the conclusion that they didn’t care enough about singing to want to commit to that amount of work. So they went to a different boarding prep where they were exceptionally happy. But there is no way we would have considered even weekly boarding at eight, even for the most capable and independent child.

Winchester might be a good call OP. Have a look at the Quiristers. They start in Y5 I believe so you haven’t missed the boat there. They also only sing term time. Choristers start in Y4 and have the usual cathedral schedule including Christmas and Easter. If you want more easygoing boarding St George’s Windsor lets them go home 3 nights a week - I believe. They start in Y4. Otherwise any boarding requirement in the cathedrals that I know of, is always less in the probationer year so it’s a good way to see if it suits. Salisbury doesn’t require boarding I don’t think but it depends where you live. Christ church is boarding. New and Magdalene are not. W Abbey is boarding from Y5.
Cathedrals potentially a larger commitment than college choirs with the holiday choir time.

In my recent memory (leaving aside the choristering) The Pilgrims didn’t compare well to, say, the Oxford boarding preps. But it may have been renovated since I saw it last. I did then have the feeling that the non-choristers were a bit ‘also ran’ in the scheme of things.

King’s Ely incredibly supportive to ND kids. The choir kids are really well looked after and all the ones I’ve known in the choir have really enjoyed their time there.

A boy I know attended Westminster Choir School quite happily and while he has no particular diagnosis, he's not dissimilar to how you describe your son. He's about to go into year 9 at a new school as they finish in year 8.

Where do you live?

That’s very useful to know!

What about Guildford Cathedral?
The boys are educated at RGS Prep (as day boys).

Honestly it doesn’t sound like you really want to hear this, but he’s 8 - he should be at home with his mum.

I have a musically talented child who is a non-boarding chorister and I wouldn’t contemplate anything else at this age.

Actually I agree with you on that one! Am trying to find a compromise that works!