Not ready for secondary school

[Stressedoutmum1305]

Hi All 👋,
So my eldest is off to secondary school in september.

He is autistic, has adhd and dyslexia. He literally struggles with everyday life but according to the local council - not severe enough for an EHCP. So.. classed as an in-betweener...

Unfortunately the school he has chosen is a chcolate teapot. I know this because I went there - i too have autism and ADHD but... I loved to learn.. my son however hates school with a passion. We have various different professionals just trying to get him into school for 5 years.

I know I am his mum.. but I am not ready for this transition. I know I have to but teenagers are hard enough as it is without a neurodivergent thrown into the mix.

I have literally cried for the last three weeks about him finishing his primary school years. It has taken so so long to get him to at least tolerate school and I am petrified to death that it is going to happen again... I know I always will, but the fight for 5 years made me poorly.

His father (ex) is useless. I speak to people and they just say it's a me problem and I need to get over it etc. But honestly- no one understands the struggle! I know his struggles as they are very similar to what mine were so I understand him better than anyone on this planet.

He leaves next week and I am getting so so emotional. But like I say I speak to people how I am feeling and just get told to get over it. Sorry but being autistic... I cannot just get over it!

What have his primary school done to support his transition?

There are often transition programmes over the summer for children with nd or identified by primary as struggling with moving on. Ask the LA inclusion team or the primary school. Why did he choose the secondary , he is 11 and you could have made a different choice of you felt it inappropriate.

Retired teacher here. The only advice I am going to give you is to do your best not to cry (or even criticise the school, the system or any other aspect of his problems) in front of your son. I know it is difficult and I feel your pain but it simply won't be helpful for him. I have experience of teaching children of parents who managed to remain upbeat and those who didn't. The progress made by the children of the former group was wonderful and well worth the massive effort made by their parents.

I have an autistic child with EBSNA issues transitioning to middle school so I understand the fear.

• How old are you? Staff will have changed and in the last 10 years understanding of ND has massively increased.
• Does he have a ECHP? Has he had additional transition days and does he have a key worker?
• How have the transition days gone for him?
• Has he been given a visual timetable?

I think you need to keep your own emotions in check around it and focus on helping him develop the skills he needs for this transition.

Worth trying an ehcp again, you can apply as a parent. Have you spoken to the sendco at new school yet?

Please don’t show him you’re anxious/upset.
the fact that he chose the school himself f is a positive - it’s a place he feels comfortable with (which is the first battle).
I was so anxious about my son Starting (September 24) his primary school was awful, and he despised school - every day was a battle to get him there. His senior school (one that I wouldn’t have considered sending him to before hand, but he chose) has been AMAZING! Unbelievably switched on, sportive and helpful. Schools change year in year out. It will be nothing like it was when you went. Also staff are so much more aware now. The one I’d decided he’d probably go to before looking around has changed dramatically (since my daughter left) and not for good reasons.
yes he still has his “wobbly days” and of course it’s not always plain sailing. But he has nearly completed Year 7, and has done so much better than I could have hoped for. Chin up. Reach out and ask if you can meet with the SEN team/head of year etc, before he starts or in the early days. I’m sure they will help put your mind at ease. Try and be positive for your child x

Unfortunately the school he has chosen is a chcolate teapot. I know this because I went there

How long ago was that?

As other have said, meet with the SENCO early September. ensure there is an iep in place as of September (so you can include the evidence on the echp). If school doesn’t apply for you, put a parent application in.
can you book ND coaching sessions for your
child?
My DC was similar and sadly, it has taken 3 years of decline and now MH issues to get the echp started.

Hi All.

Thanks for the replies. Well the thing is... the teachers havent changed! We had an information evening the other week and every single one is still there! They were all newly qualified when I was there. I have spoken with the new SENCO and the answer i got was... "we will just have to see". Obviously not reassuring at all!

He's had a taster day and is going for the day in the summer holidays with whoever else stupidly paid the £30 for them to go!

I have tried 3 times for an ECHP and rejected each time. I have no new evidence either.

I know I am frantic and emotional. I dont know what the hell the matter with me is!

Do they have to go?
School isn't the only option, if they are still motivated to learn.
Home Education or alternative educational providers etc are out there. There's at least 3 just in my small town.
Having ND kids myself that would never have coped at a normal school, would never manage GCSEs, had a wealth of opportunities to follow other pathways and interests.
Keep pushing for the help from the LA. You need to be 'that' parent.
Your child's mental health is so very important above anything else!

How did his taster day go?

Did you appeal the EHCP refusals? Were they refusals to assess or refusals to issue? You could look at independent assessments.

Exactly, a school can change a lot in just 2-3 years.

Sometimes a parental application, to get new evidence, will mean getting private EP, SALT and OH reports. If there is something significant the LA will have to assess and commission their own reports to counter yours. Ridiculous because the child is assessed twice but sometimes it’s the only way to move things forward. It makes things easier at tribunal stage for refusal to assess/issue an ECHP.

Essentially teaching staff and the LA don’t want to issue an ECHP and so will not collect evidence that the child may need one. Unless they disrupt the learning of others but can’t be excluded.

I’m all for planning for transition and doing what you can to make it successful. But have a fall back plan B if it all goes tits up that can be smoothly implemented. No need for inability to transition to cause a crisis.

You presumably left secondary school 15-20 years ago, possibly longer - you can’t seriously be claiming there’s been no staff turnover in that time?

Homeschool?

Seconding @Parkingthreadsaremyjam!! School is only the right option for autistic children if they choose it to be imo. And sorry pp who is the retired teacher - I wholeheartedly disagree with you totally. Autistic children (those with ADHD even more so) will not manage in the school environment because mum remains upbeat! That will have absolutely no bearing on things at all!!!!! What will is having appropriate support for the child and the child wanting to be there! And OP I think it's disgusting you've been denied an ehcp and I have been where you are and we home educated. Ds (now 21) is doing an apprenticeship and attending college. It took him 9 years to recover from the early damage done to him in school (different schools not just one) and he had no GCSEs when he got his apprenticeship. Good Mental health trumps everything!!

try not to worry they will have gained experience since you were there.
They will push for one if they think it’s needed as they will want the extra funding but if it’s been rejected 3 times sounds like they may not need it.

I left 15 years ago and I swear to god everything is exactly the same.

Please see your GP if you cannot stop crying.

Go in September with an open mind. Make a senco appt for within 3 weeks of starting.
Give your ds some strategies for what to do if he feels anxious

They will push for one if they think it’s needed as they will want the extra funding but if it’s been rejected 3 times sounds like they may not need it

Unfortunately, that isn’t necessarily true. For a multitude of reasons, sometimes schools do not request an EHCNA, even if it is necessary. And LAs refusing to assess &/or issue 3 times doesn’t mean the legal threshold isn’t met or that an EHCP isn’t needed.

He's had a taster day and is going for the day in the summer holidays with whoever else stupidly paid the £30 for them to go!

Why so negative sounding about the taster day op?

DS2 already had an EHCP at primary. We tried to make secondary transition work but ASD and then unmedicated ADHD meant he was getting told off all the time and his academic abilities were not recognised and this was affecting his mental health. Within the first half term he was signed off by his GP and I had a bespoke package for internet school and face to face tutors. Don’t get me wrong. This was following tribunal and legal intervention. But he then thrived, got 11 GCSES, 3 A levels in maths, further maths and physics at A star or A grade and in now doing engineering at uni.

DSA support has been inadequate and his first year has ranged from 1st to Desmond (2:2) and resits but the support will be worked out. Should have happened earlier given they knew his history but without an EHCP and DSA they would be likely to write him off.

You absolutely need evidence of need in primary, secondary, 6th form for uni to make reasonable adjustment.

kindly op - every stage of parenting throws up weird feelings for us. You might be experiencing again your own fears about going to a new school - amplified by your own mixed memories of it. Plus the worry of him leaving a safe place.

even if it’s the same teachers they will have grown and changed in that time.

So you've asked the LA to assess 3 times? You need to appeal and then ask that it be expedited as a phase transfer.

LAs just say no without reading the paperwork ime.