Not ready for secondary school

[Stressedoutmum1305]

Hi All 👋,
So my eldest is off to secondary school in september.

He is autistic, has adhd and dyslexia. He literally struggles with everyday life but according to the local council - not severe enough for an EHCP. So.. classed as an in-betweener...

Unfortunately the school he has chosen is a chcolate teapot. I know this because I went there - i too have autism and ADHD but... I loved to learn.. my son however hates school with a passion. We have various different professionals just trying to get him into school for 5 years.

I know I am his mum.. but I am not ready for this transition. I know I have to but teenagers are hard enough as it is without a neurodivergent thrown into the mix.

I have literally cried for the last three weeks about him finishing his primary school years. It has taken so so long to get him to at least tolerate school and I am petrified to death that it is going to happen again... I know I always will, but the fight for 5 years made me poorly.

His father (ex) is useless. I speak to people and they just say it's a me problem and I need to get over it etc. But honestly- no one understands the struggle! I know his struggles as they are very similar to what mine were so I understand him better than anyone on this planet.

He leaves next week and I am getting so so emotional. But like I say I speak to people how I am feeling and just get told to get over it. Sorry but being autistic... I cannot just get over it!

If you're so dead against that particular school, why is your child going there? Are there no other local schools that are better suited to his needs?

I have an autistic DS and we ended up moving house (to a less nice area!) so our closest school was the one best suited to his needs.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

can I ask what the coaching sessions would be like @Igotupagain? Thanks

Try not to assume it will be awful before he has even started. My son is autistic, although he does have an EHCP. He hated primary school, often refused to go in, but he’s about to go into year 11 of secondary school and he has always been much happier there. I’m a bit confused as to why you are sending him to a school you don’t like.

I haven't read the full thread so I apologise if what i'm about to say isn't helpful, but I needed to reply because I was in exactly the same position as you this time last year (except we had just been accepted for an EHCP) For info my son has ASD, ADHD and dyspraxia, and our local secondaries are notoriously bad for SEN children.

You have to fight, so hard. You shouldn't have to, but it is the only way to be heard and get what your son needs. I managed to get my son a funded place at an independent school (mainstream but with a high number of SEN children and a very large SEN team, and no more than 12 children in each class). So often EHCP applications are turned down, probably as a way to put you off and to buy themselves more time, so appeal it, in most cases parents win appeals. You are in a crucial time because your son is considered a priority because he's in a transition phase, so appeals are expedited (certainly in my area anyway), but once he's in a secondary school, he will not longer be considered transition so will be on the normal time frames. Our sons EHCP went backwards and forwards with them trying to get me to agree with their school placement but I refused. It was finalised in the end with the school they wanted, but with the caveat that parents didn't agree and had no intention of sending him, I made that very clear, that they could list it but that I would never let him set foot through the door. (I did allow him to do the transition days which as predicted were a disaster and led to two months of anxiety and relentless tics). We were very fortunate in that we were in a position to fund the independent school for a short period, so we actually only had a few weeks at the beginning of year 7 where he wasn't in education, once he was in the school we wanted we were then able to use this as evidence that it was working really well for him and it was hard for them to argue that he couldn't stay there. We were in the process of taking the LA to tribunal over the school placement, and our court date was set for April, but I had a call just before Christmas to say that they knew they had no chance of winning and that they agreed to my choice of school and that they would fund it from January.

My advice is to find a school you want and fight for it as hard as you can. I'd be lying if I said we didn't throw a ton of money at it (mostly begged and borrowed from family!) but it was worth it. We got additional assessments and reports, video footage of meltdowns and tics and behaviours that would prove that a large mainstream secondary was going to be impossible for him and lead to school refusal (which is something we had a lot of at primary). Don't take no for an answer and dont let them pull the wool over your eyes. The LA frequently told me one thing and then i'd check with our SEN advocate (worth their weight in gold!) and we'd find that what they were telling us wasn't accurate. Eventually all correspondence went through her and the LA weren't happy about it but they had no choice. I know so many people who were turned down for an EHCP and then granted one on appeal, so that's your first step, once you've got that sorted you can fight for the rest. Also get a SEN advocate if you can.

This is a very brief, condensed version of the most stressful year of my life 🤣 Very happy to speak via private message though if you want to know anything else. I really understand how you feel, and don't let anyone tell you you're being dramatic or to just get on with it, YOU know your child better than anyone and you are his biggest advocate. I cried many many tears too and was terrified. You are not alone.

Just to add to @bumblebee's post, the tribunal system is national and the rules are the same.

We were in a similar situation 3 years ago. My son with ASD didn't get approved for an EHCP. We were told by SENCO at the new school to 'see how it goes'. It was our 4th choice school and we appealed and lost.

I was convinced that he was going to be bullied, do really badly ect. but didn't let him see that. I had a plan to pull him out and homeschool if needed until a better plan. He is going into year 10 this year and is thriving. He has actually not needed any SENCO support.

The school has improved massively over the last 10 years. We are so happy that my youngest son with ADHD and no EHCP is going there this September and was our only choice.

The school can't be that bad if the staff turnover is so good. Most if the time that is a positive thing. But try and draw a line in the sand from your time there
My mum had the same teachers as me and she said they were totally different by the time I went there. These teachers you said were newly qualified. Now they have a wealth of experience, more patience and more training to make them better.

I massively sympathise, my son has nd and struggles to attend. Sometimes they need to try something themselves, he's chosen it, you do need to let him have a go. You've the wealth of experience gained over the past 5 years, so you will know when he's showing signs of it being too much, or when teachers aren't doing the things they should.
Did you go to appeal with your ehcp rejections? Did you know 96% of tribunals go in the parents/child's favour - it might be worth following it up next time, you can apply yourself.
I'd suggest letting him do the taster days, working on your own emotional regulation so you're in the best place possible to support him, getting a senco meeting and an iep in place ASAP, and giving him as much support as possible with the transition. Keep open minded but also aware and able to step in for him. I'd also suggest looking yourself at where might be a good fit if this doesn't work out, is it another state mainstream, is it home schooling, are any privates an option etc etc. That way if things go south you have options in your back pocket ready. Hopefully you won't need them! Be kind to yourself, you're being an amazing mother which is why you're worried but he also has chosen this and he might just need to give it a go and see what he thinks.

Hi All.

Just a little update... the first week has been horrendous... panic attacks, passing out, crying at school. You name it. Its history repeating itself and as a mother I am finding this very difficult to watch!

Sounds awful.

What have you done on the paperwork side? Have you e.g. checked that primary passed on any paperwork; contacted the SENCO at the secondary; appealed the refuse to assess/refuse to issue EHCP?

You could also consider a subject access request to the primary to generate evidence.

You have to advocate strongly for your child's needs to be met, and quickly or this may get worse.

It also sounds like it must be very triggering for you - do you have anyone to support you?

De roll him and home school if it’s an option.

Log everything.

email school and say DS is experiencing - ask what they can put in place to support him.

Apply for EHCP as a parent and if refused go to tribunal.

Remember the threshold is only may need more than usually available. If school cannot put things in place that support him that’s all the evidence you need for “does” need more”.

Request another EHCNA and appeal if refused this time.

Personally, I would not deregister and EHE. If you do that, it is easier for others to sweep DS’s needs under the carpet. Whereas, at the moment, crudely, you are someone’s problem. The LA and school have a duty to support DS.

Why did you let him choose that school if it was so shit?

Hi. Oh yes I have! They sent everything and even had a zoom meeting! I was in the zoom meeting too and they ensured us all that someone would meet him on his first day.... did they hell. The senco is ignoring me. Head of year ignoring me. Only one listening to me is his tutor. I had to let him choose that school because everyone he knows went there. His anxiety has been apparent surrounding school for 6 years. Sending him to a school where he knows no one would have been cruel!

I agree it is very triggering for me. Ive spent the whole week crying myself to sleep.

Im going to try again for an EHCP. And I will appeal this time

Hi OP hope you are okay? Found your post as I having similar concerns but a year behind you. My daughter has ASD and ADHD and is struggling hugely with primary school.
I don't have advice but wanted to jump on and say I hope you are okay, I know how hard this all is on mums and I hear you. Know you are doing a good job in advocating for him