Child’s bully gone to far

[Tjb1923]

Hello,

looking for some advice really…

my son (6) came home from school yesterday. He said he had been crying so obviously asked why?

he told me that two boys in his class had been in the reading corner, one wrapped a blanket around my son and the other then took a teddy and pushed it down into my sons face so he couldn’t breathe.

as he couldn’t breathe he’s panicked and cried, as anybody would do.

I rang the school as soon as he told me this and they assured they’d speak to the children in the morning and find out what’s happened.

they rang me back today and said both boys had admitted to doing so (they denied it at first) and that they have been sternly told off.

The more I’ve thought tonight, I’m not happy with just a stern telling off. I know they are kids and can be silly, but this seems like more than silliness.

if I did this as an adult I would be in a police station?! With charges being held against me! Surely there is more that can be done than a “stern” telling off.

I just don’t know what else can be done? Can anyone help?

thanks.

This thread kind of confirms what I already knew. That a large percentage of people think that teachers can teach at the same time as managing behaviour regardless of how many children are misbehaving and regardless of how bad that behaviour is. I think you must think we’re super human or something. It’s okay for people to post about how they’re struggling with their own child’s behaviour when they’ve only got 2/3 children at home but a teacher should be able to manage 30 at the same time as delivering a lesson, see what each and every one is doing at every second, giving feedback and praise, administering first aid and emotionally supporting them all.

Please do update this thread with the action the teacher pretends she can take on this matter. I would be interested from a professional point of view.

Sounds like her daughter was acting in self-defence.

I’m really interested to know how you would expect this posters daughter who was punched to her side to have resolved the issues in a none violent way? You’re being ridiculous.

I teach the children in my class (Primary 2 so 6 years old) to shout out if someone hurts their body in a way they don’t like - shouting will attract adult attention in corridors, in the toilets, in the playground, etc. We practise pushing out a hand and shouting No or Oi!

I don’t have blankets in my classroom (my next class have asked for them) and my ‘reading corner’ is quite open.

Young children can be daft. I would imagine this is a new or supply teacher who didn’t know which children to keep a close eye on.

Teach your child and have him practise the loud shout of No or Oi. Humans can freeze so let him know that is why we practise.

I’m current recovering from a c-section so haven’t been doing school drop off or pick ups. My partner, their dad spoke to the teacher at pickup on Friday and the teacher was waiting to speak to the head teacher to see whether she needs to inform the parents about what has happened. Which I don’t think should be a question really…

I only came on here to look for advice on if there is anything else that can be done. If there isn’t then that’s fine. He hasn’t been playing with the child, he was trying to play with him on Friday but my son told him he doesn’t want to play with him right now.

i do understand all points and I do think I feel more protective/emotional due to being post partum and him obv my son being hurt and made to cry.

I can update on Monday when I know what’s happening.

Well now I feel bad, I’m sorry you’re having it rough and genuinely sorry your child got hurt. I’m a bit defensive myself at the moment because the job is really, really tough end I’m not sure I can stick at it much longer because of the behaviour of some children and the lack of parental respect.

If this were happening to my child I would probably approach the other parent but tbh you may not get the response you’re looking for.

Oh please don’t feel bad, I’m open to hearing it all!

I do understand and it’s such a tough job. I wouldn’t be able to do it myself. I do think parents need to get on board with teachers! I’m sorry you are feeling this way, it must be great and I can imagine takes a massive toll!

my partner has wanted to as he knows them personally, however when it comes to the children being hurt has a very short fuse!

Op don’t worry about updating us. You recover well from your operation. You are not overreacting and expecting them to inform the child’s parents is key hence why I’m confused why this wasn’t done initially.

I say this from experience, I was on the other end when my DC was young. DC had started displaying certain behaviour out of nowhere. DC was pushing other children for no reason which as you can imagine is dangerous especially when they are playing outside. We were informed by staff and we nipped in the bud within a weekish.

when dropping off we reminded him very sternly not to push, pushing is NOT playing and it is not fun. Reminded him how it made his friends feel, sad etc. Then when picking him up first thing we did was ask him if he had done any pushing. We did this every day by the second week staff said he was no longer doing it. We have to correct our own children and their actions when they are in the wrong. So the teachers need get the other child’s parents involved.

especially when it’s young boys given the rising rate of violence against women we need to teach them to keep their hands to themselves as early as they can understand.

I have said for many years that if I felt my child was being bullied then I would most likely move schools (if I had approached school and parents and it continued) because it is a sad state of affairs where teachers are being pushed and shouted at by children and verbally abused by parents for trying to intervene in situations like this. It might not hurt to let your husband show his displeasure but it’s risky depending on how they react.

It's not ridiculous to expect people to teach their kids that violence is never the answer. It's no wonder teachers face these daily battles, when so many are being bought up to believe it's ok to hit someone as long as they hit you first. First or second, anyone who hits anyone will be dealt with the same way in school because that is preparing them for the real world, where the police would deal with it the same.

'Self-defence' is such a subjective term. Here we have people telling their kids to "hit them harder", "go for the eyes", "make them bleed", "really hurt the little " etc. That's not self-defence. That's encouraging a child to behave like a thug, making them just as bad as the one dishing out the first blow.

He provoked her and she tried to walk away and he punched her in the side.
She then hit him back. When he tried to hit her back she dodged his attack. Punched him a few more times and he was on the floor.

Punching someone a few times until they are on the floor is not someone simple using their karate defence moves to protect themselves, that's someone responding to violence with violence, with the intent to hurt (encouraged by their parent). Can nobody see how ironic it is for people who are apparently so against violence to encourage their kids to react, with violence? It's a vicious cycle of thuggery. Self-defence is about trying to prevent injury to yourself, not about inflicting it on someone else to teach them a lesson.

In the situation outline, the girl could have been taught to humiliate the boy with words. Walk away, telling him how big and tough he is picking on a girl. Telling him what a pathetic coward he is. If he carries on, he's just proving her point (hardly gaining street cred if there's an audience). I can not and will not ever condone violence. Just because you don't see anything wrong with kids being taught to hit back, does not make my viewpoint ridiculous. I'd be a pretty 'ridiculous' teacher if I did condone or encourage kids hitting back.

Would you please provide a source for your definition of "bully"? AFAIK, that term is defined neither in law nor in medicine.

No it's not, but it will be defined in every school's anti-bullying policy (and indeed in workplace policies). Bullying tends to be an in house issue (whether school or workplace related), rather than something dealt with by the police.

I've never seen one that doesn't define it as deliberately targeted behaviour, or several times on purpose (or words to that effect). They do this to ensure they're not having to address one off or occasional incidents as bullying. That behaviour will be dealt with, of course, but it's only classed as bullying (which has to be officially reported) if it is persistent targeted behaviour towards a particular individual or group. For a child who struggles to regulate, and struggles with their interactions towards all peers in general (ie not targeted), this would be dealt with differently and doesn't come under bullying.

Unfortunately, many of those criteria rely on judgment calls. When does behavior become repeated or persistent? How many incidents over what period of time? And how to classify a child with difficulty regulating who is able mostly to avoid antagonizing the stronger and, therefore, more frequently "targets" the more vulnerable, e.g., the physically smaller or weaker? Viewed from the outside, I don't think there's always a clear distinction.

If you have beef with a school's behaviour policy and how they interpret bullying you need to take it up with them. If ever you feel your child is being bullied, address it with the school making reference to their policy and how you feel the behaviour meets the criteria.

@user149799568 The Government’s advice to schools on bullying policies contains the attached definition. It’s also possible for bullying to be reported to the police if it makes the threshold for such an action. Of course some decisions will be subjective but it’s clear schools must act in accordance with their discipline policy too, taking send into account. Send is not a get out of jail free card! The bully’s victim is still a victim.

Forgot attachment!

Some of the responses on this thread are such goady, pathetic nonsense. ‘Not a huge amount they can do’ indeed(!) what rubbish. Anyone who is happy for their child to be treated this way at school has a low bar for what is acceptable for their own child. Though, I expect if this was your child you wouldn’t be spouting such nonsense.

At 6, children know not to behave like this and their parents should be called in for a meeting. The OP’s child is entitled to feel safe at school.

It is when behaviour like this is ignored that it does escalate as the child grows older.

@IShouldNotCoco How do you know this hasn’t happened? Op says this child’s behaviour is being monitored with daily reports to parents. Who says the school isn’t in touch with the parents? They clearly are. You seem to have selective reading. Plus the DC could be excluded but it’s not up to the op to demand that. You won’t get past school policies because they have to be followed. Many DC like this have send. There was an interesting article about it in the Times yesterday. Their needs are not met either.

I was responding to some of the comments on this thread rather than what the school has proposed.

Comments and what the op has said do differ though.