Child’s bully gone to far

[Tjb1923]

Hello,

looking for some advice really…

my son (6) came home from school yesterday. He said he had been crying so obviously asked why?

he told me that two boys in his class had been in the reading corner, one wrapped a blanket around my son and the other then took a teddy and pushed it down into my sons face so he couldn’t breathe.

as he couldn’t breathe he’s panicked and cried, as anybody would do.

I rang the school as soon as he told me this and they assured they’d speak to the children in the morning and find out what’s happened.

they rang me back today and said both boys had admitted to doing so (they denied it at first) and that they have been sternly told off.

The more I’ve thought tonight, I’m not happy with just a stern telling off. I know they are kids and can be silly, but this seems like more than silliness.

if I did this as an adult I would be in a police station?! With charges being held against me! Surely there is more that can be done than a “stern” telling off.

I just don’t know what else can be done? Can anyone help?

thanks.

I’ve been in many y1 classrooms and not seen either of those items. Do not accuse me of not being fun! Reading isn’t about a blanket and a teddy - look what’s happened in this case! Wasn’t fun for the DS was it? In my experience reading corners (not always provided either in y1) tend to have books and chairs - it’s not bedtime. Here it was strangulation time.

We have no idea of the time scale, only what OP has reported (which is from her 6 year old). Six year old children are not the most accurate at estimating timescales, and when you're distressed seconds can feel like minutes.

Are we seriously assuming this is an incident which played out over a prolonged period of time, unnoticed? In reality, it was most likely over in seconds (and likely ended with the teacher's attention being drawn to the incident when OP's child cried out).

It takes seconds for a child to act out/lash out/behave in an unsafe way in the classroom. That doesn't mean they're not being supervised properly or are unsafe. As long as incidents are dealt with as and when they happen, that's all teachers and school staff can do (which they have). They're not super humans who can physically prevent incidents from happening at all.

Well that doesn't sound at all welcoming or inviting so I stand by my statement that someone who doesn't believe these items belong n a Year 1 classroom doesn't sound particularly fun. I haven't been in a single Year 1 classroom which hasn't had a cosy book corner set up. Just because something isn't in your own personal experience, doesn't mean it is unusual. Blankets and teddies belong in a Year 1 classroom. I'm glad I've never taught in any of the schools you describe as that sounds like a prison. The children are 5/6, not 16!

Are we seriously insinuating that the blanket and teddy are the root of the problem here? No, the incident doesn't sound fun for the child. What the hell has that got to do with blankets and teddies being available? If it wasn't a blanket it could have been a coat at playtime. The items used are most definitely not the issue here!

He is my child’s bully as we have had repeated problems with the child hence why I have called him what he is… A BULLY.

I know this isn’t the popular MN approach, but with this incident and those previous.. you approach the little shits direct and nip it in the bud. Jesus Christ, who puts up with this.

Where were the staff??

wtf are you talking about? YOU have decided that this kid you know absolutely nothing about has issues that cause him to behave like a bully. Get a grip, what a load of nonsense you talk

I've read what you have said. There have been other incidents yesterday, but you also acknowledge this child struggles daily and there are incidents with others. Law of averages states that, with a child like that, there's going to be more than one incident with your own child over time. That's unfortunate, but that pattern of behaviour is not that of a bully. It's that of a child with deep rooted problems. You say school give his parents daily feedback. That is school being very much aware of this child's needs. This isn't a case of your child being specifically targeted by this child.

Of course it's never nice to hear your child has been hurt or upset, but incidents with a child who has daily struggles to regulate doesn't mean they are being bullied. You have no idea why this child present the way they do. It could be an awful home life/trauma, bad parenting, SEN (diagnosed or as of yet not diagnosed). To label them a bully is not at all helpful.

There will be neurodivergent children in your class all the way through school. Have you ever heard of a spikey profile? It is quite possible that a child of 6 is more like a 4yo in some areas of development.
therefore when you think they should know something is dangerous or not nice, be careful what lens you are using. That child may not.
or they may be overwhelmed.
& They may also not be a bully.

also do not encourage your child to be violent to other kids in class. Not at 6.

I hate this idea that because there are 30 kids an adult cant keep an eye on whats going on. I over the years have had to keep an eye out on my own children through several parties and soft play situations and I can always spot when something physical is going down anywhere in the room. You dont have to be eagle eyeing every interaction but regular glancing over the room just to make sure everyones safe isnt too much to expect.

It's far from nonsense. I don't need to know the individual child to read the OP and picture so many troubled individuals I've worked with over the years who are labelled bullies by other parents who are rightly annoyed thar their child has been hurt, but sadly have no idea of that child's individual circumstances. I don't know the child in question, no, but I can know and understand that children don't go around hurting other kids for no reason. Behaviour is communication. Clearly there is far more going on than this child simply being 'a bully' (which is actually highly unusual, age 6). Children who hurt anyone and everyone without specifically targeting an individual are not bullies. They need support and love. Of course there needs to be sanctions and boundaries too, but children who need help the most often ask for it in the most unloving ways. A bit of understanding goes a long way. Thank goodness schools don't just write these children off as horrible little bullies, as some parents would like.

I've dealt with many parents over the years who fly off the handle demanding the 'bully' is punished. If only they knew the ins and outs of many of these children's lives, they'd be shocked and horrified but perhaps far more understanding.

I do totally understand why parents are cross and demand sanctions when it's their child who has been hurt but the picture is usually far bigger and the problem much deeper than that. This thread makes a very sad read, seeing how many people will happily label a 6 year old child a bully, or even a psychopath, and even claim someone needs to smack them one. Can nobody see the irony in that? This is a 6 year old child.

People aren't gonna back you up on this thread.

Make sure you teach your kid to stand up for himself and hit back if needed.

My daughter was attacked at school in the second week of Year 3.

School sorted it out. But I put her straight into Karate lessons. She has grown in confidence and because they do sparring in class is not afraid to take a couple of hits.
She is now the best fighter from the girls.

A few weeks ago - she's 11 now.
I usually drop her off around 10 mins early for her drama class.

A boy probably in year 5 started intimidating some of the girls. And for some reason targeted my daughter.

He provoked her and she tried to walk away and he punched her in the side.

She then hit him back. When he tried to hit her back she dodged his attack. Punched him a few more times and he was on the floor.

He didn't target her again after that. ( I would have complained but she didn't tell me til a few weeks later.)

But a few weeks later attacked my daughters friend-and my daughter hit him once to make him stop. My daughter's friend ended up with a bleeding nose and her parents complained.

Anyway now he seems to have learned not to hit the other kids, cos he seems scared of my daughter.

Regardless of any diagnoses he may have that his parents may use to excuse his behaviour he had managed to learn not to attack the kids at the drama lesson.

Teach your kid how to fight back and he should be OK as he gets older.

( obviously I took other precautions as well,- started dropping her off later etc and told her not to get involved in fights and to be careful and try to avoid fights if possible etc)

This 💯 formal complaint level
If its not i am struggling to imagine what the threshold is... broken bones? Actual brain injury???

I would have sent a formal letter and be in on monday looking to see the headteacher eyeball to eyeballed so they understood i meant business

I'm not at all bothered whether people 'back' me or not. I'm certain not posting to be backed, simply to explain a different viewpoint.

Fighting violence with violence is never the answer. Unless you want your child to be arrested one day? "I'm sorry Officer, but he threw the first punch" isn't going to wash then. It's a terrible message to teach children.

Regardless of any diagnoses he may have that his parents may use to excuse his behaviour

This is a totally unnecessary comment which is, quite frankly, a disgusting attitude towards children with SEN. IF the child has a diagnosis, it may explain behaviours but it wouldn't excuse it and to assume parents would use SEN as an excuse for such behaviour is a nasty dig at parents of children with SEN. What is YOUR excuse for your daughter retaliating with violence?

@BoleynMemories13 I’m going to back you up. Schools can exclude for violent behaviour and do. However it’s not often that a child is permanently excluded before all options have been exhausted.

It’s also widely recognised that some violent reactions are SEN. We now don’t seem to think “EBD” is a sen but it really is. We should not take poor behaviour lightly and schools should seek to understand what’s behind it and get an ed psych report. Children like this are not necessarily calculating bullies targeting the same dc over and over. They might have all sorts of poor behaviour traits. In my view they are better served by being in a specialist unit but dream on!

A school will not discuss the management of other dc with you. They can discuss how your dc can be protected. Going in all guns blazing is counter productive.

Nobody said that teachers are not scanning the room and monitoring interactions but to suggest that an incident can't be missed despite doing that is wrong.

When a child is telling you something, you're making eye contact and showing them that you care and are listening, you cannot be simultaneously fully aware of what the other 29 individuals are doing. It doesn't mean you're negligent which is what a formal complaint would be arguing.

Well you must have an idea surely?

I assume you're being funny and not serious?

So many children are sadly being failed by the lack of specialist provision (children who need it, and the peers of these children who face often daily disruption and are often on the receiving end of violent outbursts). Mainstream schools can only do so much. It's only getting worse too, with need growing year upon year.

It's a depressing reality that so many parents are unaware of. It's so easy to just assume a child is 'naughty' or 'a bully'.if the school are giving daily reports to this child's parents, this is clearly an ongoing problem which they already have in hand. Other parents won't be privvy to what is in place to support this child, and what sanctions take place, as it's not their child. All they need to know is that the issues are being taken seriously.

@BoleynMemories13100% agree. After Covid it’s even worse and we need to strengthen Sen strategies for these dc who are often just labelled and parents seem to think should be on the receiving end of violence from classmates. It’s quite possible they see enough of this at home or have been developmentally neglected.

Don’t be so ridiculous.

People saying there just kids, this is not okay

If you behaved like that in my school you’d be banned from the premises.

Age old but controversial advice - tell him to hit back and hit back HARD. If they do something where he can’t breathe, go for the eyes. I was bullied at school, and my dad told me to hit back, once I did it pretty much stopped. DD has been told the same and it’s worked for her.

Yes it’s awkward when you get called into school and have to explain “yes I taught her those impeccable moves” but at the end of the day it works. The teacher can’t have your child’s back 100% of the time and I’m sure she’s understaffed and stressed. That’s why it’s imperative to teach your child to defend themselves, encourage him to do so, and let him know you will back him up.

My youngest is asthmatic, it absolutely could have killed him if this happened. After a horrible incident where two boys put their hands round his neck I the playground in year 1, he was enrolled in martial arts.

he will never start trouble, but he will absolutely defend himself. I have no idea what the answer is here, but if those boys are capable of this at 6, the school should watch them like a hawk.