Did you hate school, or were you too scared to go to school?

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If you are over 18 years old, (please say if you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s, etc), did you hate school or too scared to go to school? Please tell me your views, and which country you were in school.

I was in school in Malaysia in the late 70s, 80s, I cannot remember anyone
too frightened to be in school. I remember ranting about something or other every evening, but not the extent of hating. I remember a teacher refusing to come to our class, but no peer refusing to come to school.

I'm hoping to understand what has changed, what happened, what are the possible causes, that so many are not in school, or if they are in school, they cannot attend lessons.

What do you think will help, to educate our children and young people?

I'm mid 30s. I was neither too scared or hated school. I went to school in London, UK and it was fine. I thought secondary school was a bit of a slog and sometimes found it gloomy and smelly (think teenagers that don't keep up their hygiene) but my parents instilled the feeling of better things to come if we studied hard and so I did enjoy trying to get good grades or at least I remember being full of hope and ambition. I got on with most people, I was never bullied and in general the teachers were fine.

Yesterday I took DD to the park around 6pm and heard school age children (ages 10-13 I'm guessing - they looked young and not gone through puberty) and used the most horrific language. Lots and lots of "fuck yous". There was a girl sat at the top of slide refusing to let the other children go down it and when parents politely asked her to move she spoke so aggressively. Other kids got involved and we're then rude to the girl. They said things like they would put some rocks "up your mum's arse". Needless to say we didn't stay at the park very long but I really was so disgusted with the way these children spoke and to have such little care that there were young toddlers and children around. I have no idea how a school manages children like this.

In my 50s, school in England. I loved school, really loved it. Was scared of the teachers, especially at primary as they used to spank us (70s, it was allowed). But, in the 70s I think most kids were scared of the adults.

I am 60. I loved primary school. Hated secondary. Played truant in order to learn. I was a geek and geeks were bullied. I'd sneak home and lie on my bed, reading.
A few teachers were memorably excellent. Most were mediocre or poor. Some should be in prison.
Classroom control was zero. I don't have a single friend from those years who has a good word to say about that school. Inner city comp. Instrumental in going against my left wing inclinations and sending DC to private school.

I'm in my 40s. I loved school. The curriculum and the way it was taught fitted me and my interests. I had what is now described as a 'chaotic family background' and school was stable and routine.

I wasn't popular, but I had one or two friends and I wasn't bullied. A few minor teasings about my looks, but with the realms of a bit mean rather than bullying.

In my 50s. I hated school because I was lonely, always felt cold and was racially abused. It was still better than home where I was physically abused or ignored by my parents. I was definitely scared of all adults. On balance, school was marginally better than home and I dreaded the school holidays coming around!

I'm fifties, I liked school never too scared to go. My d is 22, autistic, dropped out of secondary at 14 in burnout largely due to constant testing and pressure to perform and ridiculous petty rules (academically very able) and unmet needs despite the EHCP. Returned to independent specialist at 16 where she was very happy.

I'm in my late 30's and I went through phases.

I loved school initially - then we moved to a different part of the UK when I was 10. I went to a mixed school from a girls school and I found the change really, really tough. I also started in the January term when nearly everyone else had started in the September prior.

Looking back now as an adult I definitely think I had some anxiety. I went from have maybe 1 sick day a year to barely making it through a week without being off. I was just so down. Anyway - I'd say 18/24 months later some new people started and I found more of a friendship group and then until I left, when I was 17 I absolutely loved it.

Late 40s. I loved school to start with and was then bullied in my second year of secondary. I was then terrified of school until it ended.

My parents took me out of school due to the inability / lack of interest from the school to try and control the bullying. I was then taught by a home economics teacher for a bit 🙄 before going into another secondary. Unfortunately one of the bullies transferred to the same school - not sure why - and it started again there although not to the same extent.

Loved primary school which was small and a short walk. My parents were so proud when I passed the 11+ and then suddenly I was thrust into a highly competitive environment with an hour’s train journey each way. I knew nobody whereas everyone else seemed to be in established groups. I was small and shy and surrounded by girls brimming with self-assurance. I was so unhappy for the first 3 years with no friends, then I found my people and was happy until I left at 18. I’m now 55 and the whole experience has affected me badly over the years. I was adamant I wouldn’t subject my children to the grammar school circus. Fortunately I’m now in a non-grammar area and they went to a good comp and did very well.

I'm in NZ and am in my mid 60s. I never heard of anyone who was too scared to go to school. I lived in a small town, where everyone knew everyone else so we would have known. Like you OP I don't understand what has changed.

There was bullying, as there also was in my parents' and grandparents' schooldays, but we just got on with it.

Yes I was scared and hated it but had no choice but to go. I’m 45 and went to school in Sheffield.

Early 50s. Hated school. There was a teacher at primary I remember putting kids heads down the toilet, beating them up and washing mouths out with soap and water. Teachers at secondary who were having sexual relationships with girls who were around 14. Girls were always blamed. The most lonely place in the world where you knew the senior people wouldn't help. State comp. I rarely went to school for 2 years but still got to Cambridge University as I enjoyed studying and loved it there but school was one of the worst times of my life. I don't think its much better now (would say its worse for bright SN kids than it was) and now there's an attitude that schools are perfect and the issue is always either with the child or the parent and abuse tends to be covered up. There was a teacher in my children's secondary very clearly targeting young girls and when I reported it was told to think of image of the school. Eventually he left but imagine he's just doing the same to girls elsewhere, watching them undress in PE changing rooms. Another teacher getting other kids to laugh at the SN kids and vulnerable kids. Reported it nothing happened and many of the SN / vulnerable kids have ended up out of school which is possibly the aim. I would say primary is better than secondary here. Secondary has widespread bullying of SN kids and nothing done about it as many staff are glad to get rid of the kids and academisation has meant the community spirit of schools has gone, its all about money and getting the easiest grades from the easiest students. That's why we have the biggest NEET levels ever, a whole generation of vulnerable and SN kids have been given up on within education. Its all in the name of saving money but often completely false economy as the benefits costs and health costs end up costing far more. There's also a let just medicate these kids up to the eyeballs approach as well rather than lets change schools to make them work for these kids, lets treat these kids like we care about them not that they are people we want eliminating as they take resources.

50s. Didn’t really like school, mainly because I struggled with friendships and always felt on the back foot. Didn’t mind sixth form. This was a small private girls school. Mainly boarding though I was a day girl.

Didn’t hate it though and was certainly not scared, though some teachers could be scary, and of course the idea that I might refuse to go simply never occurred to me.

School refusal simply wasn’t a thing.

I loved primary and secondary was good until I got to year 10/11. I wouldn’t say I was bullied, but there were 2/3 girls who were quite nasty, mean girl type energy, but they’d do it behind my back. Spreading rumours and writing stuff on the wall about me. It was usually over something ridiculous, like a boy. It wasn’t all that enjoyable after that and I couldn’t wait to leave.

The teachers were mostly good, but there were a few rotters who should have given up teaching a long time ago.

I think growing up in the 1970s and 1980s there was more segregation of children, the disabled were very much hidden in state special schools and there was no real attempt to educate them. These schools would have been very cheap to run, with staff basically just being childminders and no private firms just seeking profit. Now there's a lot of private firms involved who charge £££.

Within mainstream there was an expectation whatever your mental health you went to school unlike today where there is pressure to keep kids off with mental health issues if SN and fines for those not SN, which often means families with low incomes are forced to withdraw their children from school and they end up with no education and worsening mental health. But its a "win" for the schools, as easier kids remain who are less work and their grades look better. No-one is considering these kids other than to take benefits off them and to complain about "entitled" "enabling" parents who complained about bullying etc, lack of SN support. No parents wants their child NEET but many can't afford fines which can go into thousands and LA SN provision is dire and generally requires years and going through courts in a lot of areas. There's zero joined up thinking that a lack of education leads to worsening mental health and no qualifications leads to benefits and people involved often just gaslight there are issues in getting diagnoses whilst refusing to accept private ones and claiming pre diagnosis it must be all child or parenting. Then when diagnosis there are zero apologies for refusing to help child or refusing to believe family just then start oh you should have forced camhs to give diagnosis straightaway like Mums are miracle workers who can magic funding and helpful staff. And rationing of support to those with diagnosis which means if a diagnosis takes years child goes into crisis as no-one would help them at school before. Then the parents are blamed for the camhs waiting list. 🙄There's also an expectation mothers of SN kids should not work and should permanently be on call which further adds to loss of economic activity, there's an assumption Mums just sit round watching Jeremy Kyle all day not that a lot of these Mums also had very good jobs which they are forced to give up. And they always ask for Mum like there is zero expectation on Dads and then they complain the world is sexist.

I’m 47 and from doncaster I also had a awful experience

I’m late 40s - autistic and ADHD and I didn’t hate school but I didn’t manage it either and the bunking off I did was the early 90s version of school refusal.

Hated it, got badly bullied and was very down and vulnerable. Got very ill (physically) and missed a lot of school on medical advice, but I think this was due to mental trauma.

I send my own children to a progressive independent school with very small classes and they are much much happier than I was at school.

I'm 33. I generally liked primary school, but I was bullied a lot in secondary school (mostly from year 9 to 11) mainly by other girls who picked on me for being quiet. I absolutely hated going to school and would throw up with anxiety nearly every day, it was horrible.

I spent a lot of time counting the days until half terms/holidays when I could be free. I was just desperate for them to leave me alone.

I went to school in England, and absolutely loathed it. My grandmother once described it as, "...like sending a lamb to slaughter".

I started getting bullied when I was 7. It continued for the rest of my school career. My family reported bullying incidents to school, but nothing happened, apart from the school trying to make me sit down and have a conversation with one of my bullies. Erm, no...! In the end, I stopped reporting things because it didn't make a difference. By that point, people were trying to set my hair on fire on the bus home...

I remember a teacher being surprised when I said that I wasn't going to the school prom. She asked why and I said, "I've been bullied every day since I came to this school. Why would I want to spend any extra time with them?"

I was mostly fine academically, but bullying is rife in schools. Classes are too big and you always get disruptive students who ruin the atmosphere. There's a lot of pressure to obtain the best grades, especially in an OFSTED "outstanding" school (like most of the ones that I went to) and to pass tests. There are rules about your appearance in case your coloured hair (e.g.) is a "distraction" and too much pressure (from schools and peers in general) to conform. As long as the majority of the class have grasped a subject, the lesson moves on because teachers have to keep up with the National Curriculum. I left school with no friends, crippling anxiety, a dislike and fear of other people, and I barely spoke to anyone outside of my immediate family.

Thus... I'd recommend smaller class sizes, teachers knowing about what is going on with each child (messages don't get passed around in the education system; I know because I've spent most of my adult life working in it), less stress for teachers, effective ways to deal with bullies and disruptive pupils, etc.

The local secondary school where I live now has a terrible reputation for bullying, so there is a rising number of pupils being pulled out and home educated. Aside from an expensive independent school, it's the only secondary school for absolutely miles.

I’m in the U.K., attended school in the 80s and 90s. I loved primary school and enjoyed the early years at secondary school (grammar) as well as sixth form in the same school.

I was honestly pretty miserable at school in the middle years. I think it was largely because the school was extremely cliquey (think “Mean Girls” and “Clueless” type settings), and I had initially fallen in with a crowd of girls who turned out to be “popular” but over time they decided I didn’t fit in (partly as I was “geeky” and studious, a top student basically but not at all sporty, partly as I had not come from the private prep school like them, partly because I was young for my year and went through puberty very late so I still looked like a little girl and was interested in little girl things when they were experimenting with boys etc). They ended up freezing me out completely and one of them in particular said some very nasty things to my face. It took me a while to make a new group of friends, we were very close and they’re still my friends to this day but we weren’t in with the popular crowd and felt our peers generally looked down at us (not all of them as we were by no means the least popular clique either). Looking back it’s so odd because for no apparent reason it all seemed to fall away in sixth form and people stopped being so cliquey and immediately judgemental, we became close as a year group and there weren’t such defined cliques anymore.

At the same time as all that was going on in the background, obviously there was GCSE pressures etc. as well, and I absolutely hated PE, mainly because the teachers were very elitist and only interested in the students who were already amazing athletes, and I always got picked last or almost last for teams etc. then people would go out of their way to avoid passing me the ball etc. but the teachers would yell at me when I started to not bother running to be in a position to catch it etc. anymore!

I ended up with clinical depression around age 15 which I’d say was a result of those 2 issues plus finally starting my periods then so having hormonal changes, plus later in life I ended up being diagnosed with bipolar disorder which does run in my family. Plus at this point in life I am starting to wonder if I have some undiagnosed neurodiversity. Fortunately the depression struck in the summer holidays after exams rather than beforehand, and my parents packed me off to my cousins who I loved, in another part of the U.K. for a change of scenery, so by the time school restarted I’d fortunately pretty much recovered from it. We are all agreed that if it had happened in term time I would likely not have managed to attend school for at least weeks if not months. The depression was severe although fortunately short-lived (well that episode was, I’ve since had others). I struggled to get out of bed, wash and dress, eat or speak much, and was super physically slowed down to the point that my mum said in retrospect that it was like walking an old lady at the time.

Although I was miserable at school and at one point was thinking of changing schools, I felt that it would just be the same at another school as I was just the sort of person that was never going to be part of the popular crowd and that people would pick on. And even now sadly I don’t think any differently about it. However it would never have occurred to me to refuse to go to school unless I was extremely physically unwell (as I say if the depression had hit in term time I don’t think I’d have managed it as I was struggling to move, eat, speak, get out of bed etc).

I think in terms of what’s changed I agree with a pp who said that although neurodiversity is more likely to be diagnosed now, it doesn’t necessarily translate into the right help and support for those students, and I would agree in some cases it’s clear that schools are actively trying to get rid of certain students or at the very least would not be upset to lose them. Also students are more likely to be open with their parents about struggling to get to school and parents are more likely to be sympathetic to their difficulties and not give them short shrift and expect them to obey social norms and listen to authority unquestioningly. It’s also easier in terms of resources to homeschool now than back in the day I think and less uncommon.

There is definitely more academic pressure right the way through the system than before and schools are much more likely to game the system at multiple stages to keep higher academically performing students rather than have an ethos of inclusivity. I appreciate that I did go to a selective grammar school, however once you were in the school they pulled out all the stops to keep you there right through til sixth form unlike today in many selective schools. I also think there has been an unfortunate jettisoning of arts type subjects and extracurricular activities in favour of STEM provision in many schools in response to government pressure with the eBacc etc. and with ever shrinking funding. And basically an ethos that only really pays lip service to a true balance between work and the rest of life at this age. Looking back I had a lot more variation and creative/social outlets at school compared to my son’s schedule. And even though officially the school said all the right things about work/life balance to us, ultimately he was not allowed to participate in the school musical in his GCSE exam year even though that’s where his real passion lies and it had all been on hold for years before due to the pandemic.

Then we come on to the pandemic itself. I would agree that it “broke the social contract between parents and schools” and showed parents, students and teachers that the world would not stop turning overnight if almost everybody stopped going to school. It’s hard to put that genie back in the bottle and I suspect it is going to take a long time to overcome that. We also changed our ways of working significantly in the pandemic so parents are now significantly more likely to be able to work more flexibly or from
home at least part of the time. And so I can understand that if that’s your situation it’s nowadays tempting not to send your child in who may be technically just about well enough for school but not 100 percent well and whinging and resisting rather than packing them off to school regardless as you have to get to work. Ditto for a child who is stressed and anxious about going to school.

Let’s not forget the huge changes to the fabric of society in terms of things like it being normal for both parents to work now including long hours or antisocial hours, and the fact that we’ve lived through a global recession, austerity, Brexit, COVID, cost of living crisis, Ukraine, climate change etc. It’s been a really stressful time to live in the U.K. compared to the 1990s when I was a teen, and parents are stressed and working long hours and home life is therefore maybe not as much of a nurturing comforting place for many students as it once was.

I agree with a pp about a lot more segregation being the norm too, which obviously has its pros and its cons but I think we are seeing some of the cons in terms of some SEN behaviour issues which can be frightening to other students and/or disruptive, and the classes having to be geared to a wider range of abilities, plus schools quietly manoeuvring to “get rid” of trickier pupils who are not usually the stronger academic performers. Schools are much stricter than they used to be as well, my son’s school removed break time altogether during the pandemic and never put it back again etc, in some schools students aren’t even allowed to speak between classes etc. There is no way we would have stood for that as students back in the day very aware of our rights as children 🤣

I do think the huge majority of “school refusal” comes down to unmet needs in neurodiverse children who are no longer able to cope with an increasingly strict and demanding educational schedule at school with little downtime, or those struggling with their mental health more generally - but actually I would say it’s at least 90 percent neurodiversity rather than true “mental health problems” as such.

I’m well over 60. Attended school in both Canada and the US.
Loved school, zero memory of bullying but certainly the occasional nasty rumor or sharp tongue.
Attended 5 schools over 12 years! From small to large.
No SEN students noticed but students regularly transferred to “trade school”.
All were by many standards relaxed, no uniform or uniforms only a minor aspect. Could arrive late, leave early from hs onward.

40 years old so was at school 1989-2002. In England.

I found primary amazing. From a working class family where we didn't really talk about the wider world or academic things so I just loved and appreciated learning. The school was v calm.

Secondary I hated. Big, loud, chaotic. Not cool to be clever/interested. Several nasty children ruled the roost rather than teachers. I kept my head down. I had lots of headaches and migraines which I think were from the stress of the environment.

I didn't even know that not going was possible. It never even entered my head that I could refuse to go. My family were quite authoritarian so I do think I generally didn't have much confidence or agency.

My daughter tells me every night and every morning that she hates school and doesn't want to go. I just don't think I had the kind of relationship with my mum where I could have said those things to her nor the language.

I’m 41 and no, I liked school. I wasn’t the most popular at secondary but had enough pals to rub along with.

I remember two girls at primary school who were always very weepy and clingy at drop-off and were often absent.