Should DS restart Reception year

[CheeseFiend40]

DS turned 4 in mid August last year, then a few weeks later started school. At the time I knew he wasn’t ready, he’d only just turned 4 and is also very young for his age. However, he’d been struggling with nursery and there were tears and screaming on drop off every day, so the hope was he would enjoy school more and feel “grown up” going to school with his big brother. I was vaguely aware that delaying his start was an option, but given how upset he was at going to nursery we just went ahead with the normal school admission for his age.

In hindsight I would 100% have kept him back and applied for a reception start for this September instead. But given he’s already started we have a bit of a tough decision to make, and school are supportive either way. He can either continue with his current cohort and move up to Y1 in September, or he can “restart” school in Reception. There’s no issue of him having to skip a year at secondary, he would be able to continue through school with the new cohort.

DS has struggled in school, drop off isn’t as bad as nursery was if my DH takes him, but if I take him he clutches onto me and gets very upset when I leave. He’s really struggling with his emotional regulation, and they say he gets extremely upset at little things regularly (which he does at home also, so it’s not just a school thing). We’re awaiting appointments for SLT (he has a lisp), OT (he doesn’t have a good pencil grip, can’t use scissors etc), and a hearing test (constantly not responding to us/ asking “what did you say?”)

He knows his phonics sounds, so not concerned there, however he’s struggling to blend words. He’s refused up til now to do any reading at home with me, and is only just starting to want to, but again the blending isn’t there yet. He can just about write legible words at school (won’t do this at home), but only with one to one assistance. His maths is fine, no concerns there, however he will regularly refuse to do things for the teachers. So I know he can count to 20, but he won’t do it for them. His teachers says he’s not the only one at this level, so there would be a group of them needing additional help in Y1.

He’s only spoken about one child that he likes to play with, although school says he does play with others, but that he regularly prefers to play on his own. At home he’s constantly playing with his younger sister (age 3), and for the majority of the time they play beautifully together, so I’m concerned that he hasn’t made good friendships in his class. When I ask who he plays with at school he just says no one and that they annoy him.

Last week we had decided that he should remain with his current class and move up in September, I was concerned about the affect keeping him back might have on his mental health; would he feel he was being punished in some way, that he’d failed, wondering why he was with the “babies” or something along those lines. However, yesterday he went back to school after the Easter break, there were no tears, he was happy to go in, but I just started picturing him in Y1 and struggling to see how he’d thrive there. There would only be a teacher and a TA and I’ve visions of him sitting there not understanding what he was supposed to do, feeling lost and behind, and what affect would that have on his mental health and his self esteem.

Long post! But any advice welcome 🙏

Gosh OP what a decision.

I have no advice really. You sound like you've spent a long time thinking it all through and either decision could be the right one. I truly believe that whatever decision you make, you're a supportive and caring parent so your DS will be just fine.

Is there space for him in 2025 reception? Tbh I can see why you'd want to restart if you can.

If you can think of a way to phrase it to him so he doesn't feel like hers failed then I think it sounds like a good idea.

Still to be confirmed this week, but based on previous years they said more than likely would be spaces, as they’re not usually oversubscribed

I do think it would be a good idea if you can then. Going into yr 1 while still struggling to hold a pencil and blend would be tricky, and (possibly) more detrimental to his confidence than being "held back".

(Full disclosure: I have delayed the start of my own august born child, who will now be starting reception this year as the oldest child and so far I'm really pleased with the decision. She's now been with her cohort (all younger than her) for 2 terms of preschool and is getting on really well. She seems to fit in socially much better with younger children than the older ones.

As a reception teacher I would 100% restart him. There are several children in my current cohort that would have benefitted massively from deferral and who are not ready for year 1. From what you say about your sons abilities he sounds like he would be given the chance to be one of the more able children in his cohort and then move with that cohort without being at a disadvantage.

I would hold him back on balance. My DC started a year late and it has definitely benefited him. I’d also look at whether he may be Autistic.
I also agree with the PP who said you are obviously a brilliant Mum, so I’m sure he’ll be fine whatever you decide. It’s great to read school are being supportive as well.

I think it would be better for him to redo Reception year. I know you can defer all children with April 1 to August 31 birthdays but I really wish the automatic school birthday year was April 1 to March 31 so that nobody ever has to struggle with the decision - it would just be a fact that the oldest in the class every year are the summer birthdays. I home educate but my daughter is a June birthday. If she ever went to school I’d love her to be in the year ‘below’ where she ‘should’ be but she has a lot of friends who do go to school who are also summer born and who are all in the ‘correct’ year so it would be a massive deal if she was in the year below.

Is there an option for him to do the last half term of this school year back in the nursery? Some schools try and get Reception ready for Year 1 by the end of the school year with less play etc so it might be better for him to miss that. Plus it would be good for him to get used to the children who will be in Reception with him next year.

Sounds like delaying him would be good for him, so it's the right decision. I don't think you need to worry too much about him feeling like he'd failed. I think the idea that not moving up because you've 'failed' is not one that they need to have at this age. Speaking from my experience of my own reception aged child, she's very interested in when people's birthdays are, and who is older and younger than whom. If I said to her that someone had to stay in the reception class because they are the youngest and they should be with other children who are also younger, she would accept it no question as an entirely reasonable explanation.
My sister was also held back a year in about year 2 (in her case because she was a September birthday so had started with the cohort ahead, but the decision was made at that point to delay her to be with her proper cohort). I don't remember it having any effects at all on her self esteem or social confidence (if anything it was good because she went from being the youngest to the oldest so felt superior to them 😄😄).

Honestly I’d totally restart him. In ireland it’s up to parents whether they start at 4 or 5 and it works really well to allow for difference in development stages

I held my son back for a year for this reason and he thrived. Honestly you have nothing to lose and he will gain an extra year of childhood. Having friends in the year above will also stand him in good stead.

That’s really interesting that you mention whether he could be autistic, his teacher has brought that up as well. Our oldest DS has ADHD so we’re in regular contact with the Senco lead at the school and she did an observation on DS2 at the end of last term, so we’re just waiting to see the report on that.
If he is, then it’s definitely another plus point for him to redo his reception year.

Thank you so much to everyone for the responses, I’ve been thinking about it all day and I definitely think he would benefit so much from staying in Reception another year, so everyone’s comments have definitely confirmed that for me!

I decided to talk to DS about it this evening to get a gauge on how he would feel, and to say he’s excited about doing Reception again is an understatement! I keep catching him smiling to himself and then he hugs me and says ‘I love you mummy’, which he does all the time, but I can tell how happy he feels.
I said to him that we have the option of stopping school for now and maybe going to nursery again with DD, then when you turn 5 you can restart Reception with your current teacher. I went over it several times to make sure he understood, and he definitely did, and is very happy. I also said that if you went up to year 1 it’s a lot more work, and I think you’re finding reading and writing a bit hard at the moment, and he straight away said, yeah it’s very difficult for me. Which just broke my heart, and I think a lot of his emotional struggles could be related to how hard he’s been finding it at school.

Not a deciding factor, but there’s also a boy in his class that he keeps talking about who “plays too rough with me and hits me”. So at bedtime I said when he restarts reception it will be a new class of children and new friends, so this boy wouldn’t be in his class anymore. And his little face lit up and he said “so there won’t be anyone pushing me anymore”. So another huge benefit for him.

That’s so lovely that he was pleased. My son really struggled to learn to read. He is now exceeding in all subjects though. It just took him a while to get going. It definitely sounds like you’re doing the right thing. Have you heard of the NHS Right to Choose scheme? You can get children assessed for Autism and/or ADHD privately but paid for by the NHS with certain providers. It speeds things up hugely.

Yeah it definitely feels like the right decision for him, and after going back and forth for weeks I feel happy with this decision now.
Yes we actually used the Right to choose for my oldest DS to get his ADHD diagnosis, it’s been amazing! We were looking at a 5+ year wait in our area, but with the RTC from referral to being on a stable medication dose was only 11 months! And it’s been a game changer for him.
I’m not certain if DS2 would meet the criteria for an autism referral, but if the Senco thinks so then we’ll definitely do the RTC route again.

I’m late to the party and see you’ve made the choice and he’s happy. As an early years/year 1 teacher I think it’s the right one. He will do so well next year too having had a practice go. I hope it all works out.

Does the school have the nursery on site? If so id ask if he can start spending time there eg mornings in one afternoons in the other so he makes friends with the nursery cohort

This might also give you all more info about which class he suits best

All the people I know who've deferred their kids down a year have not regretted it. It sounds like you've fully considered the options and effects, and are doing the right thing for your son.

Another person who thinks ADHD/Autism could be a factor. Emotional deregulation could be either. Have you tried being on his level and making sure he’s looking at you when speaking? I realised during Covid mask wearing how much I rely on lip reading despite knowing there is absolutely nothing wrong with my hearing. It turns out this can be linked to autism according to a reel I watched a few weeks ago which was quite a revelation for me.

I know this is an old post now, but I just wanted to quickly update for everyone that gave me such great advice. Also for anyone that happens upon this post who is going through a similar decision.

So we made the decision for DS to repeat reception and decided to take him out of school just after Easter. He spent a lovely summer term with me and DD3 doing various kids groups and I could just see his confidence growing over those months. He did a few mornings back at pre-school just to get to know the children he'd be going into reception with, but to be honest he didn't love it there so we didn't persist with that.

Thankfully he was extremely excited to turn 5 and go back to school and its just been a completely different experience for him and for us. The biggest thing for him is that he's made friends this time round. He enjoys school, he's engaged with the learning, he's thriving in his phonics and blending and his teachers all keep saying just how well he's doing this year. I couldn't be more proud of him, he's an absolute star!

Another benefit for this year is that he is on the SEN register from the start. He had a Speech and Language therapy assessment in July and they gave loads of strategies to help him at home and at school, so he's getting the help he needs from the start. We're just waiting on an OT assessment for him as his pencil grip hasnt improved. Unfortunately NHS referrals all got rejected so we've had to go private for it all. His SLT and school both agree there's potential Autism, so that's our next step.

He's also had a massive reduction in his emotional struggles, I think because he's happier and more confident, and also all the strategies we're now using at home and school. For example, if he was really upset we used to just say 'what's wrong?', and he just couldn't figure out the emotions or the reason and would take ages to calm down. But I bought him a "feelings fan" so when he's really upset he can just show us how he's feeling, usually its Sad. But flicking through the fan instantly calms him down. We then say, 'You're feeling sad?' and he'll nod. So I say, 'I'm feeling sad because...' and he can just tell us straight away. It's really helped him a lot.

So slightly longer post than I meant to do, but I'm just so happy for him! Trying not to be too dramatic, but I feel like this decision has really changed his life. Fingers crossed for a smooth transition to year 1, but we've got ages before that happens! 😃

So pleased he is happier, OP.

Your post caught my eye as I had a July 2020 baby that I deferred. She has selective mutism and has loved school from the start, but I think we would have really struggled a year ago. A boy in her class who is July 2021 is now stopping reception to go again next Sept. I hope he finds it easier than too.

It was lovely to read your last post about his confidence and also that he was part of the conversation to restart reception and understood it all.

I remember reading your post earlier this year and I’m so glad how well it worked out for you. It’s sounds like your little boy is doing brilliantly and I’m sure that he’ll have such happy memories of the summer you had with him too.

I’m so glad your DD is doing well, that extra year can make such a difference! Especially as our DS was already August born, so youngest in the year, and then was developmentally even younger, so it’s not a surprise that he struggled, looking back now. I feel like he now kind of averages out with his new cohort. There’s also another boy who was in his old class who is repeating reception for the same reasons, which helped our DS not feel the odd one out, and they’ve actually become really good friends this year.

I'm glad it seems to have worked out well 😀

I didn't see your thread when you originally posted. I was going to ask if restarting him would mean he and his sister were in Reception together as he was 4 and she 3. Looks like that wasn't a factor. That's good.

No she'll start next September so thankfully wasn't an issue! 😄

What good news! And thank you for the update. Very interesting and very much confirms my suspicions that for many children starting school at 4 is just too young. Most countries do it at more like 6.

I would have liked the option for a later start for my summer-born DCs but it wasn't a possibility back then. It was challenging for both of them but all came good in the end for DC1. For DC2 it was rather mixed but after they did their A-Levels we got them a dyslexia and ADHD diagnosis and university is going very well.