All my friends kids are smarter

[ClaraRob]

My 7 nearly 8 yo daughter is incredibly creative, kind and a hard worker. I’m very proud of who she is.

But academically she struggles a bit, school has suggested we might be heading down the dyslexic route (which I’ve suspected for a long time). She’s in a very academic school and is pretty much just meeting expected levels in reading and maths despite working very hard to get there, while a large proportion of the children are working at greater depth.

I felt for a long time I’d let her down as I didn’t prioritise school work at home, we read and did other things but I feel you’re only young once and weekends have been more spent on extra curricular activities and family time. Me and my husband work full time with long commutes so no time for extra studying after school and I thought maybe she was behind as we were not doing enough.

However, with her brother having just started reception, I’ve realised how easily he picks things up compared to she did and actually how hard she has had to work for every gain, which makes me so proud of her as she has such a great natural work ethic and realised that actually maybe I didn’t let her down she has just found it all challenging.

I’m therefore generally content with where she is academically and super proud of who she is and her other talents - particularly her art.

The problem is all my friends kids are top of their classes in everything. They are younger than my daughter (year 2 and 1) and already read better than her. It’s not that my friends necessarily boast about their kids but I can see the difference when they’re surprised my daughter can’t do something or I witness their kids doing things she can’t.

I feel guilty but it does make me feel rubbish. I feel embarrassed when she fails to read or do something people expect her to or they hear what reading level she is on. I feel like it reflects badly on me as a parent and know they will later gloat behind my back about how it proves their kid is so amazing.

I think society really values the academics over the other talents that my daughter has I just feel surrounded by kids who are going to find it all so easy while she is going to struggle and it makes me sad. But then I feel guilty about feeling like that and not celebrating who she is.

Thanks - sounds very similar. I'm at a complete loss what to do about senior schools at the moment! My daughter also compares so much and it breaks my heart.

I'm slightly coming at this from the other side of having two children who throughout primary were at the top or near top of their classes (albeit in a very ordinary country school in Ireland, we have a much flatter system here). One is now finishing secondary and is only middling and in some subjects doing very poorly. If he gets a university course, it will definitely be on the lower end of the spectrum. He is not a hard worker and while bright and generally a good lad, he's not sporty or arty or 'special' across any dimension really. My daughter looks to be heading the same way! There's no 'but' here. They, like most of us simply ARE ordinary, they get by, they are as worthy or as unworthy as anyone else. My ex husband feels it very strongly, I have a PhD and he has a Masters and I know he can't quite believe that our children are not doing as well as relatives of his whose parents are much less educated or who have blue collar jobs. I'm not immune from it myself, I'd be delighted for my two if they were 'high achievers' and would love to be able to quietly share as much with other people. But they are what they are, we are where we are.

Are you aware that dyslexics tend to be higher in the intelligence scale than non dyslexics @ClaraRob? I'm not dyslexic but have a big family history of it. And the dyslexics in the family have in general been more successful than the non dyslexics. My brother, very very badly dyslexic, is the most successful of our generation. Chief engineer in a very large company.

Yes, they struggle with literacy but they make up for it in other areas. She's just got to find her thing and then she'll fly.

Get her an official diagnosis. If the school aren't doing a formal assessment you could get one done privately. We got one for my son and it's very detailed.

You could also consider a dyslexia trained private tutor. (Be prepared for the cost though!). Contact the BDA (British Dyslexia Association) in your area for a list.

"I’m top in my class in reading and maths” from kids and parents saying the same thing. This is so alien to me. I have one Sen dc who is struggling with everything and one dc who has always been top in his class even now in secondary. Never ever would I mention that.

You obviously were not taught to be a decent human. What a shame.

The most successful member of my generation of my family is my cousin. He's dyslexic, and struggled massively in school.

But now in his 30's he's a highly sought after craftsman with his own business, and is absolutely raking in the cash.

Agree. It makes school hard but that incredible intelligence (or talent or skill or ability) will out.

When I was in the process of adopting the social workers talked to us very seriously about academic underachievement. They said middle class parents always expect their children to be above average, think someone is to blame if they're not, and overhype their other talents in a way that can feel quite pressurising for the child.

So it came to pass that my adopted child is an academic underachiever. I will be delighted if she gets one or two GCSEs. She does have other talents (dance, football) but she's not remotely interested in developing them. And yes, I get pitied and judged for it. For so many of my peers, the idea of having a child who isn't 'clever' is literally horrifying. Yet they can't all be above average!

I do think it has made me a better mother, OP. I have had to help my dd negotiate the feelings of shame and embarrassment, and find ways of talking about her future in ways that don't include the standard university route. I've freed myself from needing the approval of other parents, focusing on really understanding and supporting my daughter's path.

Thank you for sharing your story @Ketzele - what the social workers told you is so true. And you sound like a wonderful mum. I hope I can put my own hang ups aside and be like that for my children

Thank you I will take a look at BDA - school has recommended we don’t look into a diagnoses until the term she turns 8 (which is next term) but it appears we would then need to retake it for an EHCP for secondary so I’m a little undecided at the moment

Thanks for sharing your experiences

I think you need to get a grip. Sorry. All children excel at different things. There are around 12 different types of intelligence and your DD will have a mix of strengths. Secondly, she’s only 8 and will change massively over the next 20 years. Support her to blossom in areas she enjoys. Lastly, please reflect on your values. Kindness is far more important than being top of the class.

The story of success in dyslexic relatives are lovely but not everyone with dyslexia is a genius just as not every with autism has a photographic memory - I know this as I have several of each in my family. Dyslexia makes many things a real struggle and I have relatives that have done well and others that have really, really struggled.
I would say if you can pay to get her privately assessed asap then that is what I would do. To find out in detail what exactly she struggles with and what might be put in place to help her.

My son was assessed at 6. My brother was assessed at 8. Only my personal opinion, but I think the earlier the better. As a result, DS's school have put extra reading support in place and he isn't hugely behind. Writing is a different matter, but IMO reading is the more important skill at this age. But I'm no expert.

That's a lovely thing to say, ClaraRob. BTW, my dd may be an academic doofus, but she is a fab kid - funny and loyal and kind. I am so lucky to be her mum, and I have no doubt she will find her path.

To quote from my post@HeyDoodie, which perhaps you missed.

“I really value my daughter’s art talents and her kind, hard working personality traits which I think will set her up better for life than any grades.

“But I feel at this age everyone around us values the academic achievements more.”

I agree kindness is so important, and unfortunately not always common.