All my friends kids are smarter

[ClaraRob]

My 7 nearly 8 yo daughter is incredibly creative, kind and a hard worker. I’m very proud of who she is.

But academically she struggles a bit, school has suggested we might be heading down the dyslexic route (which I’ve suspected for a long time). She’s in a very academic school and is pretty much just meeting expected levels in reading and maths despite working very hard to get there, while a large proportion of the children are working at greater depth.

I felt for a long time I’d let her down as I didn’t prioritise school work at home, we read and did other things but I feel you’re only young once and weekends have been more spent on extra curricular activities and family time. Me and my husband work full time with long commutes so no time for extra studying after school and I thought maybe she was behind as we were not doing enough.

However, with her brother having just started reception, I’ve realised how easily he picks things up compared to she did and actually how hard she has had to work for every gain, which makes me so proud of her as she has such a great natural work ethic and realised that actually maybe I didn’t let her down she has just found it all challenging.

I’m therefore generally content with where she is academically and super proud of who she is and her other talents - particularly her art.

The problem is all my friends kids are top of their classes in everything. They are younger than my daughter (year 2 and 1) and already read better than her. It’s not that my friends necessarily boast about their kids but I can see the difference when they’re surprised my daughter can’t do something or I witness their kids doing things she can’t.

I feel guilty but it does make me feel rubbish. I feel embarrassed when she fails to read or do something people expect her to or they hear what reading level she is on. I feel like it reflects badly on me as a parent and know they will later gloat behind my back about how it proves their kid is so amazing.

I think society really values the academics over the other talents that my daughter has I just feel surrounded by kids who are going to find it all so easy while she is going to struggle and it makes me sad. But then I feel guilty about feeling like that and not celebrating who she is.

This can be really tricky.

I had twins, and they were constantly comparing themselves.

We found a good solution as to encourage slightly different interests.

So, for example, they both played and instrument but one played violin and one played trumpet. So they both had things they were good at.

Does your DD have any other activities she does? Dance, swimming, etc?

It is the case unfortunately that if you want children to have a no pressure childhood then some are less academic than others.

If she can get to the stage where she can decode fluently then it starts to become about reading comprehension - which is where children's knowledge and understanding of the world helps them make sense of what they are reading.

That's where all the museum trips, day trips to the beach, mountains, farm, etc etc come in. That's the lived experience that helps them understand texts.

In the meantime, f she is having trouble and you do want to help, the obvious things are get her vision tested (if she needs glasses then she'll find reading hard) and her hearing. If both of those are ok then there are lots of programs to support children to getting bettter at reading, and if you do a little bit every day it makes a massive difference.

As a mum of grown-up children, I know this can be a very difficult time. School knocks our confidence in our parenting.

It sounds like you understand your daughter very well and she sounds wonderful but remember school is only a place that they measure children in one way and that's academics .

I do remember things going on around us where we were being told how clever their child was and here we are in their 20s and actually it hasn't made that much difference. My child is a really hard worker and find academic work difficult through primary and senior school However when they got to A-levels they shone because they had worked and she consistently studied . They are now at uni and doing well.

Did you perform well at school and how did that inform your self esteem and identity?

I don’t know if helps op but have a look at what Richard Branson has said about his dyslexia and struggles at school. He attributes his success to these difficulties he went through. I personally think encouraging her strengths to build confidence and praising all her efforts is the key. Her ability to work hard at something will take her far.

Please try not to compare your child to others. She is on her own path. Encourage and support her to be the best that SHE can be. She sounds amazing.

It's so hard watching them find things hard, but with your support and her own perseverance she will learn resilience and achieve what she is capable of regardless of what other kids are doing. Remember academic success is not the only determining factor in a happy and fulfilling future. Celebrate what she is wonderful at.

This is the type of thing that becomes irrelevant when your kids are older - some people kids do grow up to be amazing people in all aspects of their lives but generally most people are just normal.
You have to parent the kid you actually have. Maybe your daughter will become a stronger student as she gets older.

Everyone can find something they are good at if they try enough things.
School doesn't measure ability and success in everything.
Some people excel at sewing, swimming, running fast, cooking, looking after other people, playing the piano, mending broken cars, building houses, growing plants, people management, acting, archery, crown green bowling, looking after animals......
Your daughter will find her niche. It sounds like it might be art.

You didn’t have kids for the exam grades they would get. Academia/school is one part of their lives. Your job as a parent is to help them build resilience and tenacity to go get the life they want. Reflected glory from their achievements is a poor measure of successful parenting.

Academic achievements feel like they matter enormously up to the end of education (whenever you choose that to be). But then, in the adult world, personal qualities, like hard work, resilience, interpersonal skills, all become much more important and some of those who were academic children get left behind because they never developed those qualities.

One thing you mentioned is that your DD is at a very academic school. If she's at the lower end, academically, at a natural moving point, you might like to think about whether that is the right place for her. It may be a better experience for her to be somewhere less academic.

Don't undervalue being a hard worker and having the ability to stick at difficult tasks. If you're naturally academic you can coast through school then get unstuck when either the task gets more difficult at uni, or you just need to work hard at boring stuff (uni & most jobs at some point). The fact that she's keeping on when it's a hard slog is impressive and a great personality trait to have! My kid gives up and has a strop as soon as they get something wrong, encouraging them constantly gets very wearying.

I'm sure the other parents aren't laughing and gloating behind your back about your DDs progress.

Thank you for all the responses. Some really encouraging comments.

I think my original post was a bit muddled, I really value my daughter’s art talents and her kind, hard working personality traits which I think will set her up better for life than any grades.

But I feel at this age everyone around us values the academic achievements more. All our friends children are in younger years and I can see the pride they feel when their children outperform her academically.

It feels like me and her are being judged, even if it’s not that they’re thinking badly of her just well of their own children.

And I don’t know how to defend her by pointing out her strengths without then sounding boastful or overly defensive.

Someone above asked about my schooling and yes this probably plays a role - I was very academic and topped my masters class at uni. I’d assumed my daughter would be too and it took me some adjusting to realise she wouldn’t be, so maybe it is still just my hang up.

A lot of our friends are academic too so really push their kids and then because their kids have responded and outperformed their class mates I feel like they look down on our daughter, but it is probably in my head / my hang up.

I guess it’s just quite hard to stomach listening to their kids tell my daughter “I’m top in my class in reading and maths” and see her sit there and say “I find maths tricky.” I don’t know how to respond well to them without making her feel sad or like a failure.

Or when I ask my friends how their kids are and they say how well their kids are doing it’s always academic focused.

I try and respond with my daughter’s talents but it feels like the consolidation prize ie they say thats “nice” but how about academically? I just want them to see her for who she is I guess.

Oddly academic success doesn’t necessarily translate into “success” in life. Sounds trite but you must not compare. Your Dd is herself and on her own journey. No one who is any sort of decent person is judging. Several friends have teens who are less academic but they have found great ways to succeed doing more creative or vocational courses.

It’s harder when they are younger as it’s all academic focussed but it really opens out 16 plus and as long as they get their English / maths gcse and a couple of others there are so many options available.

I say this with kindness as you sound like a wonderful mother. Your daughter is happy, she's generally content. Is this a YOU problem?

Also to say my brother could not read until he moved school and they picked it up when he was 8, he's clearing dyslexic and but also has ADHD - picked up in his 40s. He is a self made millionaire. Whereas I was the academic one and I'm not doing badly but I can't take the risks he does, I don't have the 'chat' or the commerciality. He has the ability to get on with, converse with people from all walks of life. 🙏🏽

You have just described my eldest DD to a tee.

She has a private maths tutor to help with the things she struggles with and we work with her a lot at home in the evenings and school holidays.

However, in school and out, we really push her in creative ventures. We put her in to loads of art competition (she's won 2 this year). She is amazing at dance and gymnastics and has her first competition this month. We talk about how people are good at different things and we should celebrate them and be proud of yourself too.

My youngest DD is literally good at everything and it comes so naturally and easy to her and I know that affects my eldest.

Is the school the best fit? We moved DD from a small academic hot house to a much bigger school with a broader range of abilities that doesn’t necessarily value academics over everything else and it’s done wonders for her confidence and the academics are actually no longer an area of concern.

How do your friends know that their DC are "outperforming" your daughter? Why are you discussing her grades with them? Also, statistically it's very unlikely that their DCs are all top of the class.

I guess it’s just quite hard to stomach listening to their kids tell my daughter “I’m top in my class in reading and maths” and see her sit there and say “I find maths tricky.”

Do kids actually say things like that. I'm surprised

I think your post is very honest. And I think many parents must secretly feel like this (whether in the role of smug parents of academic kids, or “guilty” parents of less academic kids).

I was highly successful at academic subjects school and I’ve grown up to be entirely unexceptional!

My teen dd is academic, ds is not. I love the challenge that parenting each of them presents. DD is obsessed with perfect exam scores and that’s problematic - as her work gets harder, she is less likely to reach that level of perfection she craves. DS is learning it is okay to find things tough, and his temperament is probably “better” than DD’s simply because he has become so resilient and learned to buckle down and not expect a brilliant outcome

My ds is good at sport and he’s funny, curious and practical. I suspect he will have a happy and successful life, I’m excited to see how it all turns out.

I don’t worry at all about friends’ kids success being greater than mine - all kids follow a different path, with ups and downs along the way. You have to learn to smile and not react.

If your dc is finding the comparisons hard - help her to reframe things and move the subject on. When someone says “I’m top of my class in maths” (what smug little brat says that btw?!) your dd says “that’s nice. I prefer art and baking. Have you ever made something out of clay? I’ve got some at home we can play with next time you come.”

What are the extra curriculars you do at weekends? Is she in after school club in the hours you worried you were not doing enough school work with her? You could instead see this as time she spent improving her social skills, definitely beyond any child who would openly say "I'm the best, I'm the top..."

I would make all the effort I could for her to build self esteem at the hobbies she is good at and thrives at. You don't want her position in school to be the way she describes herself (no matter where she is in the class) but if she is seen, and sees herself, as arty or sporty or musical, it really helps when they come to things where they aren't the best. Don't always push for her to be in the best stage school or the best swimming club either, sometimes let her be the big fish in a less good pool, just for perspective.

I guess it’s just quite hard to stomach listening to their kids tell my daughter “I’m top in my class in reading and maths” and see her sit there and say “I find maths tricky.” I don’t know how to respond well to them without making her feel sad or like a failure.
Or when I ask my friends how their kids are and they say how well their kids are doing it’s always academic focused.

I think you need new friends

My kids go to a pretty academic school. But the academic kids I know have been taught not to boast. The parents I know, if you ask them how their kid is doing, they would not talk about academic achievements - they might talk about how their child is loving English but they wouldn’t say “doing really well” and they would be more likely to mention hobbies or other interests than academics.

It does sound like you are hanging out with quite a competitive crowd which isn’t going to help.

If you know she’s struggling, put in the effort to help her. Ten minutes a day of workbooks on whatever she struggles with will make a huge difference to a child who works hard and is only just meeting expectations.

You can celebrate other achievements all you like but she is going to have to see through Maths and English until she’s 16 and it’s easier to catch her up now than in her GCSE years.

Academics feel like they're the be all and end all at school, bug in real life they're aren't. With the exception of maybe Oxbridge and things like big 4 companies, employers do not care if your degree is from Durham or Nottingham Trent. Your experience and how you come across matters more.

It sounds like your daughter has a great work ethic, and more importantly is kind and happy.

On the flip side, was an A* kid who found academics easy, but my parents were very authoritarian and tbh cruel if I didn't perform academically. It's left me with some chronic hang ups as an adult as it feels like my value as a person is tied to academia and workplace success. I also hung in academic circles in terms of friends, and it was a constant competition. The worst thing that could have happened for me would to have been to get a bad grade. What I'm saying is, academic kids struggle too. It's hard to not be on the same level as your peers, but it's equally as hard to feel the pressure of being at the top.

We need to teach our kids that we have inherent value just because we do. We matter because we're human, not because of what we offer society. It's more important to be sociable, and funny, and empathetic. I promise you that in the real world, it won't matter if you were once top of your class at reading. Let your daughter excel at the things she is good at. As long as she tries her best in everything else, she's doing great.

Also, get new friends! It was SO damaging to me to feel compared constantly. Don't let that happen to your lovely daughter.

What is happening about the dyslexia comment from school?
Is she being properly assessed? If it is the case, then she should get extra help.

You may need to make time to help her at home too. Ask school for advice.