All my friends kids are smarter

[ClaraRob]

My 7 nearly 8 yo daughter is incredibly creative, kind and a hard worker. I’m very proud of who she is.

But academically she struggles a bit, school has suggested we might be heading down the dyslexic route (which I’ve suspected for a long time). She’s in a very academic school and is pretty much just meeting expected levels in reading and maths despite working very hard to get there, while a large proportion of the children are working at greater depth.

I felt for a long time I’d let her down as I didn’t prioritise school work at home, we read and did other things but I feel you’re only young once and weekends have been more spent on extra curricular activities and family time. Me and my husband work full time with long commutes so no time for extra studying after school and I thought maybe she was behind as we were not doing enough.

However, with her brother having just started reception, I’ve realised how easily he picks things up compared to she did and actually how hard she has had to work for every gain, which makes me so proud of her as she has such a great natural work ethic and realised that actually maybe I didn’t let her down she has just found it all challenging.

I’m therefore generally content with where she is academically and super proud of who she is and her other talents - particularly her art.

The problem is all my friends kids are top of their classes in everything. They are younger than my daughter (year 2 and 1) and already read better than her. It’s not that my friends necessarily boast about their kids but I can see the difference when they’re surprised my daughter can’t do something or I witness their kids doing things she can’t.

I feel guilty but it does make me feel rubbish. I feel embarrassed when she fails to read or do something people expect her to or they hear what reading level she is on. I feel like it reflects badly on me as a parent and know they will later gloat behind my back about how it proves their kid is so amazing.

I think society really values the academics over the other talents that my daughter has I just feel surrounded by kids who are going to find it all so easy while she is going to struggle and it makes me sad. But then I feel guilty about feeling like that and not celebrating who she is.

Primary school is the foundation so you need to ensure that she is working to the required standard for her age group, otherwise she will struggle in secondary school.

Doesn't need to mean hours, short and repitition will be effective. But it does need to be consistent.

Whether we like it or not, academics are the benchmark for progression.

I have a nearly 9 year old girl who is pretty much the same. We live in a grammar school area and all her girl classmates are top of the class types, and will likely get into the school I teach at! She's such a good kid but gets upset when she doesn't do as well as her friends. We've got parents' evening in a few weeks so will see what her teacher says and go from there.

Grit, work ethic and ability to get on with people matter a LOT. Often it's children who didn't find school easy who know how to get through challenging times.

Your daughter sounds lovely and she has you behind her and that makes all the difference.

It’s really bad form to discuss your child’s academic performance anyway. FYI when they get their GCSEs / a level results no one discloses the actual grades. Talk about something else.

Refused to discuss it with them - have stock phrases - well that's good - they all develop at their own rate don't they / they're all different - then change subject. Don't engage with it.

Some kids need more time and suport to develop the skills - it doesn't mean they never can or will - though a few won't but find other paths though life.

I did well academically - after really rocky start - lucked out got into a support group in what now KS2 and by secondary caught up - they tested the put me in top stream and I never looked back. Tested at uni for dyslexia and dyspraxia - and very much had both.

I did opposite to you and put in home support in my my DC - partly based on my experiences and struggles and partly seeing DS disenagaging. They caught up faster than I did - though like me learnt plodding along pays off - after all the tortoise beat the initially faster hare.

Prior to that I got a lot of unasked for advice and faux concern from others but few years on when they stopped struggling more generally (left with few less obavious problems) and started doing really well - same people really didn't like it.

There does seem to be this idea that if your not naturally instantly good at something and have to work at it - that is somehow an inferior way to be.

As long as she can read - and can do maths and isn't really behind or struggling then focusing on a wider curriculum and wider acomplishments really is the best thing.

If she is struggling I'd get support as early as possible as less behind quicker it is to catch up and less internalising low self esteem or messgaes that's not for me - Dancing bears is 10 minutes a day - and if your lucky and take to it something like mathsfactor you can just be in room doing tea or something else or look at paying for outside help.

Hopefully she's not behind and it's just a case of her plodding along and finding her strengths and you learning not to play the one upmanship games. IME if it does flip same people wanting to discuss academics suddenly won't anyway - there's literally no point engaging with it or entertaining it in conversations.

It's an odd one OP, my son struggled in primary school. Was the last to read, was diagnosed dyslexic.

He ended up school refusing but that's not really relevant to your post.

Fast forward 10 years and he did better than the vast majority of his primary school class mates in his A Levels having obtained 3 As and is at a top uni.

Attainment in primary school is not always a good indicator of where they will end up.

If school does think there could be SEN it is worth pursing diagnosis, it is not always barrier to achievement if strategies are put in place.

You aren’t helping her, she needs more support and tutoring, not YOLO excuses

Yes, a direct quote from my friend’s six year old son yesterday. Not something I would want my child to say, even if it was true, but I guess that’s a challenge my friends might be having with their son.

She has a tutor one evening a week, then two evenings a week and Saturday mornings we do homework or other English / maths practice. On top of this we do the dancing bears books for dyslexic children three time a week.

She does art club, swim club, gymnastics, dance and horse riding outside of school.

Myself and my husband work FT and are out of the house about 10-12 hours a day five days a week.

Not sure where I can do more tbh? I feel the above is too much personally, but that’s subjective. As I said, she works very hard - the point is she does work hard and is still far from top of the class.

Yes we could drop some clubs to do more school work, but as this is where she excels so that seems unfair.

Little and often is the key.

Has there been any improvement since you started using the tutor?

Thanks, she just about meets the expected standard but that’s only because she works very hard to do so. It’s just challenging when you’re surrounded by high achieving kids - both among our friends and in her school (where 70% of kids go on to grammar)

Can understand how you must feel, we were in a similar position with my son who was like a deranged cat for all of primary school and his peers were winning multiple scholarships!!

Keep going, it's a marathon not a sprint!

Let me tell you this, children doing well academically in year 1 and 2 isn’t necessarily indicative of future academic success.

Similarly, children who are ‘average’ at a similar age, can still end to working in greater depth and end up with top grades later on.

Also, your friends sound shit and seems to me they know exactly what they’re doing in making you feel crap!

Cutting a long story short, you need new friends and a new school for your child.

There is a book called 'toe by toe' which is an amazing book which helps develop dyslexic readers.
All you need is ten minutes a day, everyday.

Exactly this, bloody hell they are 5 and 6 years old. Just ignore them and concentrate on your own child.

Give it time - ( though more often you do dancing bears a week better it is IMO but life can get in way of that).

With mine we felt behind for ages bloody years in fact. We seemd to have to work on everything as well.

It took about 18 months at home and a bloody good teacher next year at school for one to catch up a school year where there had been no progres and then we just kept going and suddenly while they had smaller niggles they weren't behind and start to move up.

It is a marathon not a sprint -little and often and praise effort she is making - and stop comparing to other kids as long term they don't matter.

Yes it does feel unfair at times - massively so but keep plodding way and get her as good as she can get so she has as many options later on as possible. Mine also seem to learn to do more than the bare minimum - as they'd spent years doing more and that when it came to exams years stood them in very good stead.

So hang in there - and ditch the "friends" or find ways to shut them down.

I personally would change schools. She will probably find that in a non selective school she is a very good average which will do wonders for her self esteem and ironically will lead to getting better marks.

I speak from bitter experience...teens tend to just "switch off" if the teacher goes above their heads (because the other kids are "getting it" more quickly) and will then end up actually failing as opposed to getting the Bs and As (if not A stars) which they are more than capable of.

Ha ha, yes I think it probably is tbh! I struggle with that competitiveness of it all the time I think -
comparison is the thief of joy.

If you sort out a set of items by some descending criteria, one of of them will have to be the one at the bottom.

I have a son who has ADHD and dyslexia. He achieved expected in primary and passed his GCSEs. He’s now at college and flying because you only need passes at GCSE to open the door to college courses without worrying about retakes.

People at primary appear to care about academics more because things like reading levels are easier to quantify than creative subjects which aren’t studied as much at school.

Your dd is going to have to study harder to achieve what others can do easily but if she’s able to stay at expected levels, she will be able to go to university or follow the path of her choice. Education is a marathon and not a sprint - just because she’s expected now, it doesn’t mean that she could take off academically later.

You might need to cool the friendships if they make you feel shit. You didn’t cause your DD’s struggles at school, any more than your friends caused their children’s success.

You need to remember that expected level is good and there’s lots of kids who don’t even manage that. Greater depth is set at a level where it’s less common even though it doesn’t feel like that at your school. Do you go to a school where kids go to grammar so are heavily tutored in the first place?

I have a friend that feels like you and I make every effort not to discuss academics of our children with her. Your friends and their children sound awful if that's part of their day to day conversations. However also (kindly) check that you don't bring it up because it's on your mind!

I can tell when I hear them read or do maths in a board game or something that they are advanced compared to my daughter. I've not told them her grades, but equally they can see her stumble over these things in the same game their children are just doing at a younger age. They don't say anything, but that almost makes me feel more awkward somehow (which is a me problem I guess). I think the fact statistically you wouldn't think everyone else's children would be finding it all so easy is why I find it so hard! We're the only ones struggling. Me and my husband did both go to selective schools and top universities so did the majority of our friends, so based on genetics, I guess it is slightly statistically more likely that we would be surrounded by children doin well and families that value academics.

Yes there have been, she just missed out on expected level in maths at the end of KS1 and her tutor said she is on track this year.

You need to expand your definition of smart. For example Bear Grylls or Gordon Ramsay are knowledgeable but their skills aren’t in something measured in a school exam. Your dd finding confidence in what she is good at and interested in will help her self esteem and cope with school being a slog until she’s old enough for college courses that match her strengths.