Mother complained to school that my child is trying to be friends with theirs

[Wonderberry]

As per the title, it's a sad situation. I'm looking for independent opinions. My child (year 1) had 2 close friends, who he has had since nursery. A&B. He has told me A&B won't play with him anymore, and he is sad because he has no one else to play with. I was going to talk to the school to see if they could foster other friendships.

Before I got a chance, the class teacher spoke to me that A's mum has complained that my child is trying to stay friends with A. Apparently A has complained about this. My child is apparently asking A if they want to play with him, and tried to help him up after A fell.

I understand that friendships move on, and A cannot be forced to play with my child anymore, but I am surprised to hear a complaint that my child is trying to maintain a friendship, given that he is very little. I'm also a little surprised that A's mother is not fostering inclusivity towards my child, rather than complaining about him, given it seems like the friendship group has rejected my child and he is now without a friend.

I am possibly neurodiverse myself, so unsure the best course of action here. I thought A's mum was a friend. Should I tell my child to not try to play with A, try to find new friends, and not discuss with A's parents? Or send a message to A's mum to ask if a misunderstanding?

You are making assumptions here. I am open to hearing honest feedback regarding my child's behaviour, and I am only relaying what I am told. If there is something else here, it needs to be stated.

I have followed up via email so that anything that needs to be added can be done, and this will be clear.

I'm sorry your son is having this. In Y1 my (at the time, slightly awkward/inarticulate) child wanted to stop being friends with another child, but the other child was slightly neurodiverse and couldn't understand my child shying away, so kept following her and asking to play (when they DID play it always went badly wrong, hence my child pulling back).

My child was upset, and I spoke to the teacher about gently keeping them apart and redirecting them when need be, and she was fab about it, helped my child express herself more clearly and so on, and it all simmered down nicely, but I would have been horrified if she had GONE to the other child's parents and told her what I had said!!!

I mean this kindly but you do seem to have missed my point that your own ND means you haven't been able to read between the lines. Perhaps tell the teacher you are ND and that she needs to be specific rather than gently subtle as you can't pick up what she is trying to signal.

Honestly it sounds like A’s come home and said something along the lines of “I said I didn’t want to play with him but he wouldn’t listen” and the teacher has seen something to support that.

Your DS likely has only sweet, friendly intentions but learning to accept someone’s no is still important. People aren’t obligated to be our friends and saying no doesn’t mean they’re being mean - this is actually an early lesson in consent and respect for others’ choices. It’s completely normal for young children to need some help with this, so acknowledge that it’s sad when we want to be someone’s friend and they say no but explain that we still need to listen to them. Encourage him to play with other classmates and keep up with football and other activities where he can socialize.

Definitely do not talk to A’s mum. She went through the teacher for a reason.

I imagine Child A's Mum cares more about her child being happy than other people feeling uncomfortable too.
Many of us have been child A's Mum and while we should encourage our child not to exclude or bully they do not have to play with anyone if they really don't want to.
I was not going to encourage my DD to play with a child who literally clung to her like a limpet and loudly complained when DD gently tried to move away, especially as DD didn't even like being touched AT ALL.

I would send the mum a very carefully worded message to find out what has happened, I think its the only way to get answers to help your child move on

Only do this if you are prepared for an answer you don't like.
Thats what the Mum of the child who harrassed my DD got

Yes, I agree with this.

My ds1 started becoming less close to his best friend in year 2. They had been close since nursery. Ds1 was coming home upset because his friend and another boy were constantly chasing him around the playground asking to play and eventually ds1 got knocked over and hurt his knee. I spoke to the teachers and they intervened but I also taught ds1 to say no and push back (not physically!) a little.

At this age they don't necessarily know how to say no or that they even can.

They are in year 5 now and ds1 is still friends with him but they aren't as close.

I won't contact the mother, I just wanted advice on this. She won't even say hello now when she sees me in the playground (which we did before).

I have already redirected my son regarding seeking other friendships. The sad thing has that he has been excluded from the friendship group and left with no friends as a result: understandably this is hurtful for him. I hope he can make other friends, and I have asked for support with this and his social skills as has been suggested here.

Teacher's perspective here - I dealt with a similar situation with 2 boys, let's call them Alan and Barry. They'd known each other since nursery and now in Year 4.
Alan had some difficulty making and maintaining friendships with other children. This got more noticeable as the boys got older. He didn't enjoy the big group playground games a lot of the boys played and he'd end up getting left out. He had some support through school to build on his social skills and as part of this he identified Barry as the boy he'd really like to play with. He was given a bit of 'coaching' to practice asking Barry to play with him and how to build a friendship.
Problem was, nobody had asked Barry about this plan! Barry was a lovely kind child and would sometimes spend time with Alan but he actually wanted to play with all the other boys in the games Alan didn't enjoy. Eventually Barry's mum came in to school to say Barry was getting really upset that Alan was asking him to play multiple times in a single playtime and following him round the playground. Barry was never been unkind or 'bullying' towards Alan but he was just finding Alan's persistence overwhelming and didn't really know how to handle it. He felt he was 'expected' to play with Alan and was worried that he'd be in trouble if he said no.
As their teacher my responsibility was the wellbeing and happiness of both boys, Barry's happiness was equally as important as Alan's, not more or less. We worked to resolve things by working with Alan on those social skills to broaden his focus to a wider group of children he could play with and to learn to deal with other children's boundaries if they said no. We also worked with the whole class about joining in with everybody.
I'm not saying that everything was easy from that point but Alan and Barry both became happier. Alan ended up making friends with children from other years who'd been in his social skills group. He and Barry stayed friendly to each other but not as close best friends.

I just wonder if something like this is going on for your ds and his 'friend'. He's trying so hard and sounds a really lovely boy but we can't insist children be friends with each other. I'd focus on what a fantastic and kind boy your ds is and how he could focus on building friendships with others.

OP, I absolutely understand where your worry and heartbreak is coming from. But I think you’re putting too much emphasis on the idea of a “friendship group” for this age, especially when it’s only 2 children. Friendships are (and should be!) fluid at that age, and in school most children will prioritize doing the activity they want (and being friends with others who like the same things) more than anything. Interests and play styles will keep changing frequently and so will friendships.

A (and B) aren’t responsible for your little boy’s entire social life, and there’s nothing to suggest they’re trying to stop him playing with other children. A is just deciding who he wants to play with, as is B. Please try to let go of this framing where your son is being excluded and forced out with no friends; I don’t think it’s a helpful one for you or your DS. Try talking to your DS about “finding other children to play with” rather than “making friends” right now. The former is likely to be more productive and lead to less turmoil.

It seems a bizarre thing for the parent to complain about. Surely if the kid comes home saying 'i don't want to be friends with Barry anymore, but he won't leave me alone and keeps asking to play.' the answer should be 'why don't you want to play with him?' then if there's a reasonable answer you follow with 'well, you don't have to play with him but you mustn't be rude or nasty. It's a good idea to try and play with everyone who wants to play if they haven't been mean to you.'
So I'd say just explain to the teacher that your child is trying to maintain friendships and may need a bit of encouragement.

So I emailed to find out if there is anything else in this. Apparently there isn't. My son has found new friends to play with today, and his old friend A wanted to play with my son. My son was not seen approaching A.

In short, the complaint doesn't seem to be mirroring what has been happening, and there is no suggestion my son has behaved inappropriately. Time to move on. I'm glad he has made new friends.

I would speak to the parents. Go into it without any ego - just a very delicate "hi, I'm worried my child's upset yours, is there anything I can talk to him about to explain whats happened? Or is it just a case of friendships moving on as they do at this age? Sorry if there's been any issue or incident I have tried to talk to DC but haven't been able to find out the from him"

Often parents will avoid saying when something has happened as they don't want drama/an argument, but if she sees that you aren't going to be defensive and are open to a conversation you'll likely find out the truth and be able to support DC.

Glad that he's found some other DC to play with. As others have said friendships can be really fluid at this age.

I wouldn't be too worried about close friends just try either. Most football mad boys in KS1 will just play football at break and lunch.

You've had some good advice, like asking about ELSA and getting an assessment by an SLT.

Before requesting the SLT to observe him I would do this sikpke progress checker. It will tell you if he needs some support with communication.

Another thing to try if you can would be joining a local football club.. That way he'll do something that he loves and meet other DC out of school.

Thank you. He plays football when he can but they have a rota for this and he's not allowed every day. Limited space I guess. I have asked about support for him.

Thank you. He plays football when he can but they have a rota for this and he's not allowed every day. Limited space I guess. I have asked about support for him

Did you do the quick progress checker I linked to?

Thank you, I have. It does highlight he may need input, I think it's mainly in the area of social communication. His expression and receptive language abilities are great.

I'm so glad to report that he had a lovely day playing with another child now. The teacher sees no issue with him and child A, in fact A is now approaching him.

If only football was every day then these issues wouldn't have come up!

Ok so I would speak to the school and ask how you get a referral to SLT. They should be able to help you with this. If not, speak to the School Nurse.

I'd also ask if they can refer him first a hearing test as the SLT will want to rule out any hearing difficulties too.

Speech & Language UK are a very well respected charity so if you explain that you've done their progress checker and it says that he needs some support they should listen

And how old is he @Wonderberry?

Edit: Oops wrong thread!