Mother complained to school that my child is trying to be friends with theirs

[Wonderberry]

As per the title, it's a sad situation. I'm looking for independent opinions. My child (year 1) had 2 close friends, who he has had since nursery. A&B. He has told me A&B won't play with him anymore, and he is sad because he has no one else to play with. I was going to talk to the school to see if they could foster other friendships.

Before I got a chance, the class teacher spoke to me that A's mum has complained that my child is trying to stay friends with A. Apparently A has complained about this. My child is apparently asking A if they want to play with him, and tried to help him up after A fell.

I understand that friendships move on, and A cannot be forced to play with my child anymore, but I am surprised to hear a complaint that my child is trying to maintain a friendship, given that he is very little. I'm also a little surprised that A's mother is not fostering inclusivity towards my child, rather than complaining about him, given it seems like the friendship group has rejected my child and he is now without a friend.

I am possibly neurodiverse myself, so unsure the best course of action here. I thought A's mum was a friend. Should I tell my child to not try to play with A, try to find new friends, and not discuss with A's parents? Or send a message to A's mum to ask if a misunderstanding?

Don’t speak to the parents. Parents don’t go to the teacher because a child asks to play with another one once. For whatever reason this friendship has broken down. I’m guessing your child is asking again and again or following them around. Time to focus on fostering other friendships.

Tell the teacher to get on top of the bullying that is being inflicted on your child.

Ask her to try to find a buddy for your child. Explain that A and B used to be his friends, but for some reason you're not aware of, they are actively pushing him away.

A and B sound like a pair of horrors and it's not difficult to see where A gets that.

I wouldn’t have told you what was said by the other parent. At least not until I’d kept an eye on the situation to see what was actually happening. In my experience some parents will mention absolutely everything to the teacher.

I do think you need to try and work on other relationships though.

I do sympathise. It does sound an overreaction that the mother of this child has talked to the teacher about your son. Personally I would not contact the mum and I would distance myself.
My son also went through a few friend groups and groups of three are susceptible to one being ganged up on by the other two.
Is there any other boy in the group that your son likes who you can arrange a play date with and encourage your son to avoid the two ex-friends?

Talk to the teacher honestly about what your child is doing and dealing with.

Do not speak to A's parents - either your son is causing a problem or A's parent is a prat. Either way talking to them won't help.

The above in my post is what the teacher has told me, which is why the situation is a bit surprising. I have had the discussion regarding what my child is doing, and it doesn't appear more untoward than my child trying to maintain a friendship. Perhaps he is trying too hard, but year 1 kids are still developing social skills. I'll email the teacher to follow up to see if there is anything I have missed.

I feel outraged and so angry for you! Your poor son. I really hope he makes new friends soon.

I would definitely email the teacher to try to ascertain if there is more to it because if not, I think the school are very wrong to be entertaining this. They should be encouraging children to include others. As should the other boys mother but either there is more to this, there is a miscommunication or she is a horrible person.

Theres more to it OP.
The teacher didn't make a point of speaking to you because another parent 'complained' about your child 'trying to stay friends'.

Teachers don't just go on the word of another parent, she must have felt your son's behaviour in this situation was outside what she would usually observe, yr1 or not. What exactly did the teacher say to you?

This is heartbreaking to read. I agree with the other posters - don't speak to the other mum. Ask the teacher for help in pairing him up with other potential friends, and start inviting those other kids over for playdates etc. after school and/or on weekends, in addition to playdates with friends outside of school. Basically, work hard to minimise the importance/prominence of A&B in his life by helping him to build other friendships. Good luck xxx

I would ask the teacher to maybe guide your son into another group of friends if she can. It sounds like your child only/always wants to do everything A is doing with A and won't let A do anything without him.

Do not talk to the parents. For whatever reason, the relationship broke down and that is the end of it.

Do message the teacher and say that you agree the relationship has run its course and can she support him in playing with other children/making new friendships. Also ask her if there are any other children in class he seems friendly with/works well with.

Then invite those children over for a playdate, a run around in the park etc. Maybe put your son in some after school activities that either other kids from school attend or just on his own to expand his social circle.

Basically, just focus on your son and how to improve things for him. Forget about the other kid and his mum.

If the mum was your friend, what would be her reasons for doing this? The teacher wouldn’t just speak to you over nothing. Was there an incident that triggered this?

This is really odd. I have a year 1 DS who is still navigating the world of friendships. I don't really understand why the teacher told you this. Surely it was between her and the mum and she (or other relevant staff) should then keep an eye on dynamics and support the children as needed. What does she want you/your son to do differently? Either there is more to this, in which case the teacher should have told you, or it's something that should have been managed in school IMO.

I agree, there’s more to this. Is there a chance your child is bothering A & B? Is there a chance they’ve tried to be nice and explain they want to do their own thing and your child has ignored this? Is there a chance your child is continuing to pursue them after being told not to?

Looking at it from the other parents perspective, if their child is coming home every day complaining that yours won’t leave them alone what else is the other parent supposed to do? They did the right thing by going to the school rather than you direct.

I know it’s sad for yours but they are allowed to change friendship groups. In my experience, these things usually go full circle and before you know it they will be friends again.

As far as I know there isn't more to this. I'll email to find out. It's a pity, because what has happened is that he has been excluded from the friendship group (and no suggestion he has done anything to deserve this), and he has no friends as a result. I know if I was the parent of A I would be encouraging them to be inclusive.

I’m really surprised aged 5/6 children would decide to freeze a friend out and then complain about said child to their parents who then complain to the teacher who then raises it with you. Something has clearly unsettled the other boys to have such a strong reaction.

I think you need to speak to the teacher, she must have concerns about his behaviour in this situation to have brought it to your attention.

I think there must be more to it than you’ve been told/are choosing to see. Sounds like a sad situation but unless the parent is completely bonkers I can’t see anyone complaining to a teacher about a child asking another child to play or helping them when they were hurt. When my eldest was in year one he had a friend whom he’d known since they were babies. The other child who I will call Sam became very possessive of my son and actually started being violent towards other children who wanted to play with my child and my son wanted to develop other friendships. He tried including Sam at first but Sam behaved more and more unreasonably towards the other children that I had to step in and ask the school to keep them apart. That was after one of the other mums messaged me and said that her kid really wanted to be friends with my son but she was getting fed up of her kid coming home with bruises and bite marks courtesy of Sam’s jealousy. Could something like this be happening?

When DD was in Reception a girl kept "trying to be her friend" and the Mum even wrote a letter to the teacher complaining that DD was excluding her.
DD did not appreciate being grabbed, pulled and hugged by this girl when she was just trying to play.
The Teacher didn't even tell me (I found out by other means) and when I spoke to him about it he said that he knew exactly what was going on and it was being handled.
I am not saying your son is doing anything wrong but it would be very unusual for there to be a complaint around what you described

I cannot believe the amount of energy some parents put into their child's friendships

it's incredible

Speaking to the teacher and asking how they will help encourage your child's friendships and socialising is a good place to start. I don't think there are many situations where it is wise for a parent to tell their child not to play with another child - unless the situation is quite extreme. As parentanwe should be fostering connection and not encouraging separating from their peers. The other parent appears to be in the wrong here and the teacher hasn't communicated well in terms of what the actual issues is. Hopefully you'll get to the bottom of it and won't have to worry too much longer. If teach mentions any other friends at school, perhaps invite them over for a playdate x

Can't help but wonder if A doesn't mind that much but A's mum does & is actually the one with the complaint. She sounds delightful.

I wonder what the Aibu would be from the perspective of mum A. I would hazard a guess at a completely different story.

In my experience, some teachers will shy away from telling you the issue in case the parent ‘blows up’.

So I’ve had a teacher not telling me my dc was struggling badly reading and only mentioned in passing that he was getting 1-1. That was it. Nothing says about dc struggling or anything at all.
It’s only when I came back home that I thought ‘hold on. 1-1 isn’t normal. There must be something going on. What is it?’
Cue for a second conversation, which was very productive btw.

I suspect the same is going there.

@Wonderberry I’d ask the teacher about some details on what’s going on and why it’s an issue that your dc is ‘still trying to be friend’.
Ask first clear examples as well as guidance from the teacher.
The reality is that when your dc is at school, there is little you can do. But if there are some issues with let’s say bullying (or what is felt like bullying), then you can explain at home etc….

@Wonderberry as you’re mentioning inclusivity and you maybe ND, is your dc ND/autistic?

Do you feel this could be the root cause of the issue? Or is it A’s mum that has somehow some issues with your dc being in the spectrum?

It is a possibility certainly. He has ND siblings. We aren't pursuing a diagnosis at present though as he is doing very well this academic year, and until recently I was pleased that he has a friendship group. According to school, his behaviour has been good, and he is working above age related expectations.

I'm not sure how A's mum would know about possible ND though. I haven't discussed it with her.

I asked my son again how he had tried to be A's friend. He said he wrote him 'lovely Christmas cards' and 'asked to play with him'. I am sad for him, and have directed him to pursue other friendships.