Mother complained to school that my child is trying to be friends with theirs

[Wonderberry]

As per the title, it's a sad situation. I'm looking for independent opinions. My child (year 1) had 2 close friends, who he has had since nursery. A&B. He has told me A&B won't play with him anymore, and he is sad because he has no one else to play with. I was going to talk to the school to see if they could foster other friendships.

Before I got a chance, the class teacher spoke to me that A's mum has complained that my child is trying to stay friends with A. Apparently A has complained about this. My child is apparently asking A if they want to play with him, and tried to help him up after A fell.

I understand that friendships move on, and A cannot be forced to play with my child anymore, but I am surprised to hear a complaint that my child is trying to maintain a friendship, given that he is very little. I'm also a little surprised that A's mother is not fostering inclusivity towards my child, rather than complaining about him, given it seems like the friendship group has rejected my child and he is now without a friend.

I am possibly neurodiverse myself, so unsure the best course of action here. I thought A's mum was a friend. Should I tell my child to not try to play with A, try to find new friends, and not discuss with A's parents? Or send a message to A's mum to ask if a misunderstanding?

Thank you for the clear explanation. I will try to explore this more.

Aww, your poor little boy. Life can be so hard for autistic children. I understand your sadness. Have a chat with the teacher to see if she can help him.

Hi. I suggest you ask school to bring the speech and language therapist in to observe your son in the playground.

We got a private speech and language therapist in to assess our daughter aged 9. She had ongoing friendship issues and school on the one hand kept assuring me she was fine while on the other complaining about her.

The therapist found a child hiding under the table to avoid her. Turned out she could be very intense in her friendships and the other kids didn't like it.

Shortly afterwards she was diagnosed with autism. You mentioned you are neuro diverse so I hope that doesn't freak you out. Anyway, she needed more help with relationships and speech and language input was crucial for this.

I suspect your son's teacher isn't experienced enough to help your son xx

I'm sorry your child is going through this, I agree with pp encourage other friendships, see if he'd like to invite another boy over for tea or a trip to an activity. It's so hard but he's probably better off without these two and hopefully will make a lovely new friend or group of friends soon. I'd not contact parents but you could ask school to keep eye on things for a little while if you are worried.

My DD was in the position of A a couple of years ago. She’s a kind and selfless girl who generally plays with anyone, but there was a friendship which she was finding difficult and tiresome, as the child was too intense for her and was trying to domineer her and cut her off from her other friends.
She tried distancing herself a little, which caused the other child to panic and close his grip around her even more, leading to more estrangement and then more avoidance etc….
It was a nightmare. This child wouldn’t leave her alone. I’m usually a real bleeding heart and will adopt anyone, but in this case I got sick and tired of seeing my DD come home looking hunted and haunted, dominated and coerced.

I rang school and sensitively explained. They took it really quite seriously, and spoke to the child and their parent to try to make it clear what needed to change and work out a way forwards.

Whilst I feel for any child who doesn’t want a friendship to end, they don’t have a unilateral right to insist on a friendship - and at age 5/6 they need to be learning that whilst learning about other aspects of getting along nicely with others.

I can see both sides of this. I'm ND and so are my dc. Apparently NT people are able to detect like some kind of bloody radar that we are not the same as them. What's normal to us is not normal to them and we stand out and it leads to people not wanting to be friends for reasons it's difficult to articulate on either side.

There's a boy at ds's school who is younger and his mum is desperate for him to have friends and doesn't understand why he hasn't got friends. I think she's ND like her son. Her son is quite bluntly, really annoying and rude and she doesn't correct or guide him at all but excuses him saying he's tired or whatever. I feel sorry for them both because nothing will change if he doesn't get help with friendships. My own Ds struggles with friendships as do I. We don't understand peoples motivations or understand why they are behaving in certain ways. It's really hard. I don't care so much now about my own friendships but for Ds it's upsetting to see him struggle. I don't believe that anyone owes anybody friendship but I teach Ds to be friendly and polite but I do tell him to be firm if someone isn't listening. As an example, the younger boy doesn't take no for an answer and will keep pushing and pushing another child to do what he wants. He can't hold reciprocal conversations and other children find that rude. His interests are obscure so he has little in common with his peers. It's very sad but it's not for my Ds to fix things for him. High school will be a massive challenge for both him and his mum and they both need professional support.
Dd gives off some kind of vibe that allocates her into the weird but not too weird kid group so she doesn't fit in anywhere. There's the popular kids and the weird kids (DD's terminology not mine).

I've waffled, sorry.

Does your son's school have ELSA groups for emotional and language skills? Or a resilience group? It might be worth asking the teacher what support is available to help him deal with friendship issues. Does he do any after school activities where he has friends?

School can be brutal and I hope your Ds is able to settle in to a friendship group and feels happier.

A's mum sounds tricky but I'd be asking for the full story because if there's nothing more to it then she's completely OTT and is possibly discriminating against perceived nd although it might be subconscious.

Friendships are very fluid I've found with my three dc and go from full on drama to everything's great in the space of a day.

I wish you and your ds all the best

I would throw it back to the teacher and ask her what she expects you to do about this since she is at the school and you are not, and you are not in contact with the mother.

Thank you. I'm genuinely asking as due to my own likely ND I don't know how to interpret this situation.

He is an avid football player, and does an after-school club for this. As long as he is playing football, he isn't worrying about friendship. He says the children are playing with him then. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to translate into 'off the pitch' friendship.

It's a good point regarding support groups for developing social skills. I will enquire.

I would try to set up some play dates with other children in the class. You could also look at extra curricular activities (football, athletics, beavers/squirrels, karate etc) so he can make friends with others outside of the classroom and grow in confidence in other areas of his life.

Don't speak to the parents. It doesn't end well

Very unlikely.

Op knows that her ds isn't playing with them any more, so it's unlikely A doesn't mind.
A's mum isn't there so if she didn't want them playing together, she wouldn't know if they were just quietly getting on with no complaints from A.

But also for the teacher to mention it to op, they will have spotted what's going on and feel Op's ds' behaviour is worth speaking to Op about. They may have spoken to A and B's parents as well; Op won't know that.
But that does mean that Op's ds isn't a passive part of this.

As far as we (and OP) can tell, A's mum might well be genuinely lovely. She has done by the book, spoken to the teacher, and hasn't done anything wrong.
Telling Op it's probably A's mum is unlikely to be helpful to her or her ds as they try and help her ds navigate friendships.

your poor child is trying to stay friends with their friend! I’d tell the teacher I’m ok with that and tell the mum how cruel they are complaining about a child and just let her sit with that. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I care more about my child being happy than other people feeling uncomfortable

My son was in a situation like this where another child was preventing him from socialising with anyone else.
It could be your son that is being over bearing.

I have already stated what was said. I have followed the conversation up with an email to ask if there is anything else. Perhaps, as some posters have said, the teacher didn't feel able to disclose something. I'll wait to hear.

The mum now won't say hello to me in the playground, which to me seems like rude behaviour.

Aww how sad. I remember this well.
I definitely wouldn't bother contacting the mum, in fact I'd blank her.
Ask your son if he has other friends and try to encourage those friendships, bless him.

Perhaps A's mum feels the same - caring more about her child being happy than other people being uncomfortable. OPs son is trying to staying friends with a child who (for whatever reason) no longer wants to be friends with him. As long as the other children are not being deliberately cruel, they are allowed to make that choice. Adults do it. He needs to be encouraged to make new friends, but I would also pursue the ND element, so that they at least know what they are dealing with long term.

I was that parent who went to the school over a friendship, but the difference was my DD was being physically hurt by this other girl.

The school should be encouraging other friendships. Is it more than one form entry - if so would a change of class be an option? My DD was eventually separated when they mixed the classes and just having positive friendships around her she is like a different child.

It is more than one form but is currently full for the year group. I don't want to cause him upheaval either, in terms of losing a teacher who he is familiar with and likes, and other children he is familiar with. Regardless, the year group is all together in the playground at break times.

Hopefully, he will be able to find other friends within the class: given there are 30 children there are options.

I feel a bit sceptical about pursuing a diagnosis, as a diagnosis in itself did not help my other children at all. It did not result in any support, and trying to ask for 'reasonable adjustments' from a school is fruitless.

I care more about my child being happy than other people feeling uncomfortable

I imagine that the other mother does as well.

If the teacher has decided to speak to you it sounds very much like your child is actually overwhelming child A to the point where A's mother has felt the need to speak to the school and the teacher has witnessed enough to speak to you.

What does helping A when they fell entail? Your child dragging them up? What does your child trying to be friends entail? Constant harassment and badgering? Preventing them playing with others?

A parent wouldn't be complaining just because a child wanted to be friends. They would be complaining when their child is upset and overwhelmed and the teacher has seen such behaviour hence speaking to you otherwise they just wouldn't and just deal with any regular child behaviour in school.

The parent isn't necessarily being rude but isn't wanting to engage until the matter is settled

Child A's mum wants her child to be comfortable. OP's child is making child A uncomfortable to the point that a teacher is having a word with OP. This would not be happening if there wasn't some form of issue with OP's child's behaviour as it would just be dealt with in class.

Child A has no obligation to be OP'schikd's freiend just because they demand they be. If you told me that I was cruel for ensuring my child was not being harangued by another at school I would be torn between pitying you and laughing at you. Hopefully OP doesn't have friends in real life giving her such appalling advice.

There is no insinuation regarding unkindness from my child. He helped the child get up when they fell. He says he has asked the child to play with him at break times. Maybe he has asked too many times. I have asked if anything else to this, via email.

Seriously a teacher would not be mentioning this if your child was not harassing the other. You say you are ND. I think perhaps you have missed the social clues the teacher is giving you because they have tried to do so kindly. I assume the teacher does not know you are ND and that perhaps she needs to be a bit more openly honest that your child's behaviour is such that she needs to speak to you to tell them to back off.

I think you are missing the social clues the teacher is giving you in the same way your child does not understand the social clues of child A wanting him to back off.