has anyone sent one child to private school and other children to state school? just curious really

[nailpolish]

not interested in reasons (be they personal) but just wondered what the children themselves thought

thanks

When we moved recently we sent our eldest private (secondary) and intended to put the younger two in State primary then move them to the same school for secondary. However, it was clear from early on that the private school was a really nice place to be, and as it goes all the way through from pre-school to Y12 we have ended up putting them all there. It has financial implications but I think that I would have felt very uncomfortable sending 2 children to a school that I felt wasn't as good as the one their older brother was going to.

LL - Are they older or younger? If they are younger, you need to measure your A level results against their results using the grade inflation formula.

My big sis went to local comp. She was very keen to go, but was very unhappy in later years there.

I got assisted place to local private school so went there (my sis refused to sit exam).

My little bro boarded at private school cos of divorce/family issues.

I was happy enough at school, and whilst lazy did enough (was forced to do enough) to go on to university etc.

After initial period db was happy boarding. It was a good school and gave him some much needed stability at the time.

Big sis definitely has a chip on shoulder about the whole thing. She doesn't feel she fulfilled potential or had opportunities I did. (Which is true)

However, I think this is largely due to the fact the comp. she did go to was a crap one (we were in middle of nowhere so there really was no choice). Effectively she was bullied for being bright and reasonably hardworking. This was then not helped by fact school was not set-up to cope with brighter/more academic pupils - so for example she couldn't do French, Geography and Biology O levels - If she did Geog and Bio they could only fit Childcare, Metalwork or Technical Drawing in not french.....

So,yes it did cause her problems but I think if she had gone to a good state school this wouldn't be the case.

xenia the point about boys and girls education and how boys get sent to private education and girls dont has no relevance to me as i dont have any boys

My friend has 4 children, eldest boy got a scholarship to private boarding school...a few ructions there as every holidays was "my baby is coming home" and dashing down at weekends to "be supportive" (although I think he was more embarassed than anything) and the other 3 got a bit miffed, and the holidays were a constant power struggle when the boy was home...so she moved the family down to near his school and the next eldest got a scholarship to a music school...he is a fab singer BUT they are now so poor the other 2 children have second hand clothes and shoes and are sent to the local school, have had to give up their dance and football lessons. I asked my friend if this might not cause a tad of resentment between the children and she said "oh, I just tell them their brothers have talent and they don't"
ARG!
I don't think the private/state issue is the main one here but it is not helping!
I feel so sorry for the youngest two, especially the little girl as she is a good dancer.
When I looked at private school for my DD a friend said "don't do it unless you can afford to send any subsequent children there", and several people since have said that to me too.

thats seems really unfair.

my best friend's oldest boy got a scholraship to a very expensive local private school (he's now at uni).

Her dd1 went to a different private school - local too, but in the other direction.

Her dd2 has just started at local state secondary school - her choice. her mum has told her that as long as she stays in the top streams, she can stay at the state school.

Her dd3 has develpmental issues and will alwys be within the state system.

School runs were a logistical nightmare at her house!

It seems from all these examples that it's not clear cut.

We may well have this problem if very academic DS1 gets a scholarship to go private. None of the others seem to be as able academically as he is, and there is no way on earth we could even begin to afford school fees for them (the fact that we are not at all rich actually works in our favour for means-tested bursaries for DS1). We don't know what to do and whether the others will feel resentful if they don't go. If I think they would be happy at a private school, I'm secretly hoping they will turn out to be sporting or artistic geniuses and that we will keep being so relatively poor that we qualify for help.

FWIW, I went private for the last 3 years of school while my brother didn't. But when he was offered the chance to go to a private 6th form he didn't want to because the local 6th form college was so good and all his friends were going. He got better A levels than me but not a better degree. I don't think he has ever resented it (but maybe I should check!).

Policyw - . But v funny about it preparing you for office life. My two big sons have been/one is being bullied. They're clever, witty, sporty, self-deprecating, self-reliant and kind and I'm pretty certain it's the latter two qualities that sets them up as bullying targets. I too was bullied; I keep telling them they inherited their being bullied from me and they should be grateful they haven't also inherited my thunder thighs.

My parents sent my brothers to private junior schools, and the elder to private senior. The reason for the difference was that the elder db was disabled and there was no sport provision for him in the state sector in those days. As the accident afterthought later on, I had to take my chance with state thoughout, though I did sit (and fail) a private school entry exam at 11. However as in the end I went to a direct grant grammar senior school, (as close to private as state education gets really), it's db2 who has the most grounds for resentment, but I don't think he is.

I sent DS1 to an independent school (he received a bursary award) at 11 whereas his younger brother carried on in state education until he was 16 - he is now at an independent sixth form. DS2 wasn't bothered about this until friends got at him and told him that it wasn't fair. We couldn't afford to send two to independents at the same time. DS1's school was exactly the right school for a very academic student but the other local independents were either very snobbish or no better academically than our village comprehensive.

Hardly anyone went to private school where I was growing up (perhaps it's a north/south thing?) but a family we were very close to were told by the primary school that their eldest children were very bright and would benefit from it. Both children duly got scholarships to very academic private schools and the parents spend more than they could afford on fees. The eldest, a boy, felt dislocated from all his friends and incredibly ashamed about his home not being 'as good' as others at the school. He tried to compensate by going over the top to get in with the in-crowd. He became an alcoholic, never really got over it and has never been to uni or held down a job, he?s about 40. The second, a girl, rebelled against the academic pressure by not bothering. She got 2 Es at A-level and a place on a bit of a noddy degree through clearing. She's happy and a lovely person but has never had the 'graduate job' that the private education promised, she's in her late-30s. When it got to the third child the parents were a bit disillusioned with it all so he went to the local bog-standard comp with me. He really enjoyed it, had lots of friends, got straight As at A-level, a 1st from a good Uni and has the professional job.

Clearly that doesn?t happen to everyone (DH thrived as a scholarship boy at a major public school) but it has made me a bit wary about dislocating children from their peers and focusing on the fact that they are bright?.

My BIL went to a private school. DH and SIL went to the local comprehensive. MIL always banging on about how marvellous private school was and how dreadful comprehensive was. DH and BIL got same A level results. DH went to Imperial College, BIL to Cambridge. DH still feels a bit second best

I suspect it's how it's handled by the parents. MIL so vocally prefers BIL's education, that DH's achievements have been comprehensively overshadowed.

Haven't read the whole thread but my dad had this - he went to state sec modern and his step brothers went to private schools and he has the biggest chip on his shoulder about it!

Dh went to private school on a bursary and his brothers to 'not the best' state schools. There is a difference between them which goes beyond academic achievement and the work they do. It is never a problem really though and they all get on very well.

I think that's an important factor, how you as parents react to the whole thing. dh got a scholarship to a public school where he did stand out like a bit of a sore thumb, but did make friends and did well academically. His sisters didn't pass the scholarship exam and went to the local (not very good) comp. There was never a question of my ILs paying for them to go private as they didn't have the cash (dh's scholarship was 90% fees). I don't think the ILs made a big deal about the whole thing, it was just accepted that dh was bright and that the scolarship was fab. No one else in his family valued education much anyway - he still gets grief from his wider family about being a layabout (ie going to university) when everyone else started work at 16.

In my family we all went to the same (state)primary school and then different secondary schools. We were all involved in the choices and felt that (on the whole) the schools were chosen for us as individuals. I think that's important (also fo me it was nice not being called my sister's names!).

nooka - I think your view is the most compelling so far. Disregarding the state/private issue, I know a family with 6 children, and all are/have been at different secondary schools, ableit all independent - some of them have changed during their school career, so the family have the best view of independent education in SW London, havinf experienced vitrtually all the local schools! The point is the parents chose the schools for each indivdual child, and they seem like a very happy well balanced family, with all valued for their individuality. I ma impressed that the paretns had the energy, even with 6 to look so carefully at the choice of school, I must admit I would prefer mine at the same school just for convenience of sports days etc.

Both my brothers went to a private school at secondary level, while my sister and I went to a state school.

We always used to try and dress it up as a "Pah, you clearly do not believe in te education of women" story to annoy my very liberal parents. In fact the schools were very closely related - the boys grammar had gone independent and the girls grammar had gone comprehensive. The schools mixed a reasonable amount and there were a lot of families with children at both. I think they may have migrated a bit in different directions since my time. They were also both Catholic schools and my parents strongly felt that we should go to Catholic schools.

I think in circumstances where there are obvious reasons like that it really is a non issue.

Interestingly out of the four of us, the one who performed best academically by a long chalk went to the comprehensive - but it was far more to do with personality and raw ability than the teaching available at either.

I can't add to the discussion much as both my sons are at private schools. However, they are at different ones. One school is highly academic and competitive and the other is completely the opposite. There was no question of them both 'fitting' the same school.

What I'm trying to say is whether you are paying or not is not the point. If the school is the best on for the child then there is no argument.

I am from the North and we all went to private day schools. We know twins one of whom went to a boarding school and the other a day private school. I think it was their choice. At one point my ex husband wanted our son to board and I did not want that difference between him and the other children so that didn't happen. It was the right decision.

I think most parents try to treat children equally. I certainly often talk to the older 3 about that issue and they know I try to be fair. For example I am paying for all 3 at university. My father paid for the 3 of us too there but hte fact my brother did medicine (longer course) in a sense you might say is unfair but I never felt that to be so. I supported my daughter for an extra year or two as well but that doesn't mean I'll dole out the equivalent cash to those that do shorter courses.

Xenia's Liverpool childhood, before her Mum's Jackpot win at the Bingo

Jura

Obviously, to we cogniscenti, the merits of Imperial are unparalleled, but Oxbridge, in terms of social cachet for MIL...

And BIL read History, not Engineering, which is apparently also better, for some reason