School for the practically normal child but not quite

[Catladyagain]

Our gorgeous 6 yo boy is not thriving at our v local, v popular, v academically-focused primary school. He's in Year 2. Lots of school refusal. Bad bedtimes and waking during the night. Feels demoralised by the teacher's constant celebrations of the more naturally gifted kids' contributions (comments / points etc) and finds social interactions challenging at times, particularly in the playground etc. Various behaviours point to v v mild autism and adhd but they are so mild that he's just about keeping up with school's demands, however, regularly, he keeps up very unhappily. One of those who falls 'in-between'.

What to do?

I would be so grateful to hear from anyone who's child has a similarish profile and who you've similarly gone through this kind of issue. His wellbeing is my top priority - his creativity, hard work and emotional intelligence are not getting the recognition or scaffolds at school they deserve.

What are the questions and requests we could make of the school?

What are the questions and requests we could make of other state schools? Are we even likely to get in without moving onto their door steps? Every school near us is at max capacity with wait lists.

How much more can a stressed young child cope with this before we have to give him a new environment or risk self harm / other more serious responses to a situation?

Does anyone know of any schools with lower private school fees where they support the whole child - lots of physical activity throughout the day / creativity / friendly after school provision that caters for kids who need a quieter environment?

Very many thanks in advance.

Just literally try and arrange a meeting with school and ask for SENCO to be involved and voice exactly what you put on here to them. They should formulate a support plan from there.

If he's just keeping up, I'd be tempted to look for a small, less academically focused school with better pastoral care - self esteem is so important. I've got two similar dc and I moved them to a (private) school like that, there's a such a problem with school diversity.

Every school near you at max - that's really hard. Yes what previous reply said, go in and see what help you can get.

Request a meeting with class teacher and senco. Is he able to articulate what he is finding difficult about school?
What have you tried at home?
How is he doing academically?
Have you approached school before? Or GP?

I have a child with suspect ASD who struggles at times and it’s a bit of trial and error to see what works.

If schools are at max capacity, moving next door won’t get you higher up the waiting list. A new school may not be helpful.

Have you looked into whether there are any schools in your area which follow forest school principles? There aren't many but it's worth a look.
https://forestschoolassociation.org/what-is-forest-school/

First step, talk to the Sendco.

Second, get him assessed, privately if needs be. Only just managing in lower Primary does not bode well as he develops. With a ASD assessment and a WISC V assessment you and school will be able to adapt better to his needs.

DDs autism is only an issue for herself, but have the assessment and understanding of herself was worth it's weight in gold and she has been able to manage her time and energy levels better. Academically the WISC V was really useful and explained why she could do really complicated written maths but struggled with basic mental arithmetic and telling the time. Along with other things yo do with processing and academic skills.

Third, get him a hobby outside of school that he can excel at doesn't matter what it is, gymnastics, rugby, baking, fixing bikes something - anything that can help him build a positive sense of self.

Don't use terms like 'normal' and 'mild' autism it pisses people off.

Get a proper formal psych assessment privately. It will include strategies.
Not coping at this point doesn't bode well.

"practically normal" . 😳

If you suspect autism or ADHD then your best strategy would be to get him assessed and begin the process of getting an ehcp so he can have proper support and provision in place. That would be my priority over moving to potentially find a new school.

Dc with similar profile - we moved to a private school with a very strong pastoral care provision and an inclusive ethos. DC is thriving - absolutely joyful to go in. She still has some challenging days, but any issues are dealt with proactively. Smaller class sizes, frequent movement breaks and greater flexibility from school have all contributed to a general reduction in dc’s stress levels before any further interventions were put in place.

i know there are some state schools that are very good with the full range of send, but our experience was that dc’s needs just weren’t a priority in the face of children with more profound needs + school performance targets. It can be a bit of a lottery, and also very difficult to identify the schools that will actually provide the support you need.

Thank you so much all.

I apologise to anyone who was offended by 'normal' and 'mild autism'. Feel free to recommend how I talk about this stuff in an inclusive way. I only mean something other than what the standard form schools provide for. I have several friends with autism diagnoses so I'm keen to know how best I don't piss anyone off ! TBH I think I have some kind of neurodivergence and suspect it'll be considered standard fare in years to come.

I think it's a great shame how little movement and emotional and social growth are nurtured at supposedly 'excellent' state schools

Ask to meet the SENCO. A school can put a child on the SEN register and draw up a SEN plan ( usually just a piece of paper) saying what extra support he can have. The problem is going to be resources as it always is but alot can be achieved with the school just acknowledging he needs a bit more.

Applying for an EHCP is importsnt, but takes so long. You should still do it. In the meantime it's important to say please help us now with some sort of discussion, agreement and plan to help him.

I use wrong terminology all the time. The problem saying very very mild is that you downplay all these struggles he's clearly having, some you just can't see. The schools have low resources and often want you to go away. When you say very very mild then you're playing into the ' oh he's ok, mums just over reacting ' which is a huge problem or will become one when he gets older.

Without a proper assessment you can't really see what he's struggling with. It's only as my son got older I thought, wow,he really has many struggles here that I just didn't see/ realise.

What would you consider to be lower school fees? Vat is not helping you with this right now, unfortunately.

Yes, I agree about vat and the EHCP fight - given your dc is 6, you have time to fight a few fights and may end up in a better long term situation. My only feeling is, I spent too long having school meetings at a setting that did not suit their needs and being contained and don't do that.
Sometimes the setting itself is the main issue.

I've got two diagnosed and I struggle to keep on top of the correct language, I blame the menopausal mind fog!

Instead of normal use neurotypical (NT). There really isn’t such a thing as mild autism, how it impacts people it isn’t a sliding scale but more like a scatter graph.

I’ve discovered there is support out there but you have to push to find it and access it.

I would send him to a small village school if you can, where they will know him really well and look out for and celebrate the little things he shines at.

Acceptable language changes over time and within autism sphere seems to change very frequently.

You have time to get the ball rolling, as others have said, ask the school, and the specialists within it, look at a diagnosis.

My kid had minor issues early in school but everyone said "oh he's fine" etc etc and so we didn't do much apart from struggle on on our own, in the end it wasn't fine cause he couldn't manage as other kids did, and things got worse until he was diagnosed and proper support put in place. I say this not to scare you but just to say keep an eye on this and don't let anyone put you off your hunch. I feel really guilty for not doing this for my kid, he got too little help too late, though things are ok now post school.

I would also agree with PP saying get him involved in other things he can succeed in, or even just enjoy without competitiveness. You may find he doesn't enjoy group things so it can help to find hobbies and clubs where you do things alongside people rather than in teams or groups, skateboarding, drumming, lego, etc have all been good.

I would speak to the SENCO and if the school has a regular visiting speech and language therapist (most do around here, not sure if that is universal) ask that they see your son and do a preliminary evaluation.

Also find out about other state schools - despite being oversubscribed at reception level, by Y3 they may have places opening up as people move around. In the short term I would also speak to his teacher and ask her to give him positive feedback on his work and behaviour where possible.

He sounds more than "practically" nt. Most children of his age would not school refuse or often sleep badly. Agree an assessment would be beneficial and his present school might be best placed to start the process. Work with the Sendco to ensure that appropriate support is in place,

Have PM'd you

a word of warning, i would get the ball rolling on an assessment as a matter of urgency. waiting lists in our area are >4years and despite repeated assurance that support at school should not be reliant on a diagnosis we have found that it very much is.

Totally agree.

We had no choice but to pay for an assessment ourselves. Son haS 3 ND conditions!! And the SENCO played the game ' no problem here', so the NHS assessment request was declined.

Paid for an assessment which included an in school overt assessment. I realised then my son wasn't mild ( not a dig OP, they don't sound mildly affected is all).

Things changed with diagnosis. Some will try all sorts to blame anything but the child actually being ND.

DS isn’t just about keeping up with school demands. If he was, he wouldn’t be experiencing EBSA or have the other needs you describe in your post.

Request an EHCNA. On their website, ISPEA has a model letter you can use.

Request a meeting with the SENCO. What support is the school providing? They must make reasonable adjustments and must make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN.

Things the school could do that may help include arriving/leaving 5/10 mins early/late via a quieter entrance, having someone meet him if possible, somewhere quieter to eat lunch, a nurture group, Zones of regulation and emotional literacy work, drawing and talking intervention, Lego therapy, sensory circuits, movement breaks, a lunchtime club for those who find the playground overwhelming. What schools can offer at a SEN Support level varies school to school so they may not be able to do all this.

With an EHCP, so much more support can be secured, including therapies such as OT.

If DS is unable to attend school full-time, is alternative provision in place? If not, how much school is DS unable to attend?

Without an EHCP, for an in-year application, you will be limited to what schools have places. The infant class size limit means any appeal is unlikely to be successful if the class has 30.

DS’s needs don’t sound mild. In order to be diagnosed with autism one must have difficulties that “limit and impair everyday functioning”. If you think DS has ASD &/or ADHD, has he been referred for assessment?

If you are going to spend money then spend it on things that will help the current difficulties. A private speech therapist can do testing for <£200. If autism there will be differences that show up on language testing re processing, literal understanding, spiky profile etc you can use that as evidence for more support. There are private autism / behaviour specialists who can observe and do a functional behaviour assessment and identity triggers and make suggestions. You can do the diagnosis route and council outreach support but I found that massively inadequate and having someone observe at home and school with practical solutions was much more useful. My top tip would be think of playtime as work for a child with ASC - they often need downtime after playtime and forced social interaction. The key to getting regular breaks through day including exercise is to get 1:1 support on EHCP. Without this there won’t be the staff. Or look at a school with a unit provision where does not have be in main class all day.