Awful friendship issue at school

[HatingSchool]

Looking for some advice here as really frustrated

DS Y8 in selective London school , average class student, good behaviour ; since end of last he’s been in constant trouble since starting new friendships

one certain day he got into very serious trouble (his friends egged him on to do something and he nicely did it !)

brand new start this year , had school meeting with Head etc where they clearly said they don’t want to see this behaviour . He started nicely for first few days but going down again. Checking his what’s app and certain friends are swearing constantly , talking about drugs , calling people names. Also misusing phone in school (actually taking pictures of kids in class and sending photos in messages), misbehaving etc

I know he is really really trying but he’s so bloody immature he can’t de associate himself from the situations

I also don’t think it’s fair on him having these certain friends in class next to him as they’re just distracting him he just can’t do anything right even if he wants to

i am meeting Head tomorrow, what can I realistically ask? Could they move him to another class? How can they encourage him to have other friendships ?

So grateful for any help at all x

I think you need to get someone he respects to sit him down and tell him to think about his life choices and what he wants from life. Maybe a male relative or family friend. Tell him where this sort of behaviour might lead to (crap results etc). He may not listen to you as his mother.

Then he needs to make his own choices and distance himself from these troublesome friends. It might be quite hard for him to do but he should decide whether he wants a decent future at school or to carry on being a troublemaker. It's his decision. Are there any other boys in his year that he gets on with and could hang out with that are better for him?

Tricky though. Don't leave it too late.

And yes..the school could change the seating arrangements in class and could do it so that your child isn't seen to be the reason.

Take the bloody phone off him.

This.

Be a parent and tell him what behaviour is acceptable, tell him how he should behave in school and encourage him to get new friends. He needs to take ownership of his behaviour and attitide.

don’t blame the school or the seating plan.

Assuming no contributing SEND factor he’s well old enough to understand and take responsibility! You don’t seem to think that this is in any part his fault - he’s just the victim?! “Really really trying”?!

agree he has shown he doesn’t deserve a phone. If needed for safety for journey etc get him a brick.

Take his phone and give him a brick if he needs it to travel to school.

Who was he friends with before this? Does he do clubs etc outside school? You need to create ways for him to feel like he belongs somewhere as however much you tell him these kids are troublemakers and to stay away, if they are making him feel like he fits in and belongs you'll have a hard time separating him. Worth also trying to find exactly who is friends are and which of them are really disruptive and which are also being carried along on the tide.

Yes you could ask to move him to another class. Realistically though, he needs to be responsible for his choices about who he hangs out with and how he behaves. It's on him, not his friends. Kids usually choose to hang out with like-minded people. Even in much rougher schools than your son's sounds, there are usually nice kids he could choose to associate with.

It sounds like he is too immature for a smartphone OP. I would remove it for a few years until he can show he can use it properly.

You’ve said it yourself; he is not mature enough. So he loses his phone. Get an dumb phone so he can still call you in emergencies. You need to have consequences for his behaviour and you need to stop blaming these other kids. It’s not the case that your child would be perfect but for these bad bad children and your son is a poor little lamb. He is one of the bad kids, he’s just like them. So parent him and his behaviour instead of blaming these kids and acting like your son is the victim. Take photos of other kids and sending them around the chats is not on. He is a bully.

I went along to a hiking group last week, we had tea after and I got chatting to a woman in her seventies. She has two sons, one is just a regular guy and the other has had multiple terrible issues. They are as she said about your age, in their fifties. She said the huge difference was the one with the issues got in with the wrong crowd when young. Peer groups can really affect life outcomes if easily influenced.

What you need to do is risk him not liking you for a while and go hardcore. I would tell him he will be moving schools if he doesn’t start to behave.

Take his phone, and tell him he will be moving to a different school if he doesn't sort himself out.

He won't be getting any real advantage from the selective school if he is pissing about, so he might be better off elsewhere.

Massive thank you for responses

he absolutely doesn’t have the phone! The minute he got his first misconduct (3rd day in) he lost the phone!

I am not blaming these kids, I am blaming my son!

at the moment because of his stupid decisions I have to see what’s possible at school and what they can do to help out. I get it’s his fault , I can’t execute him or tell him to piss off, I need to explore all I can

I did say to him he ll be moving school , great suggestion , and I ve actually registered him for two schools closer to us (this one is further away and it really doesn’t help, so that’s another stupid decision we made )

so based on what you said I ll will definitely ask for him to be removed to another class and will try to see what clubs within school he can join to promote new friendships ( thank you that’s a great tip!). He does do football outside school but his main friends are in that school

Really grateful for comments x

Also fantastic idea on getting a non smartphone!

I would absolutely never have thought of that xxx

Also just to clarify it is one of the other kids that is sending photos of pupils during school hours , not DS, he doesn’t have a phone anymore …

Ask for him to go on report where teachers have to sign a card after every lesson on behaviour and he has to go to head of year at end of day to show it.

Ask that seating plans be adjusted so he is away from kids who act as catalyst for poor behaviour.

1. If he’s an average student in a selective school be prepared for head to push for him to leave. You will need to really fight his corner.
2. Seperate classes, ensure he’s supervised during breaks (even it means he isn’t allowed to do more than eat / lunch / afterschool clubs).
3. Remove the phone permanently. Don’t replace with a dumb phone as most can still receive photos.
4. Don’t let him socialise unsupervised after school

I’ve been in your position OP so want to add a cautionary tale so that you stick on the hard road. My son also fell in with the wrong crowd at the same age (was at one of the best schools in the country also). His behaviour deteriorated rapidly, he started smoking weed and getting into trouble outside school. It was so hard and I wasn’t hard enough on him. He’s now much older (late twenties), unemployed with no qualifications and very little drive. It’s horrible. He’s depressed and I realise very clearly my own part in not taking as harsh action as I should have.
Good luck. I know it’s really hard.

What fantastic advice I am getting here , I wouldn’t have thought of some of these at all

we are quite firm, we take no BS, but he’s not reacting particularly well, maybe it’s a transition

fantastic ideas for my mtg with school tomorrow , can’t thank you enough

Oh I am so sorry, this is just awful and I can really see us heading that way, if out of control, I really do!

appreciate you sharing this with me x

This, your child needs to learn, it is not everything or everyone else to blame

If he doesn't currently have a phone how are you checking his WhatsApp messages op? On a tablet? Remove anything like that as well. Even in an iPad they can message each other with iMessage.

I have his phone , but also I am using what’s app web (on my laptop)

If he's an average student in a selective school he might be feeling insecure. Was he towards the top end academically at primary school?

He might be reacting to feeling like he is surrounded by brighter kids, and the reaction manifests in this adolescent way by sucking around, trying to impress other kids etc.

The school should do what they can - eg rearranging seating plans etc. in your shoes I would also be seriously looking at other schools. Joining at the start of Y9 would give him enough time to settle in before GCSE's, likely other joiners at the same time too. He would be separated from the kids he's screwing around with and hopefully make better friendship judgements next time around.

It's tough, particularly if he worked hard to earn a place at the school but he might need some tough love.

Best of luck OP