Son missed out on award

[Gingerbreadcookiesandcream]

I'll try to keep this brief. Basically my 10yo son missed out on a special yr5 award at the end of the year (all children in the class apply for it) but despite doing the tasks required for it such as charity work etc, he wasn't given it due to underlying behaviour. I feel disappointed for him as he was expecting this year it. He has suspected ADHD but a Cahms referral got nowhere. My question is, has anybody managed to positively transform their child's behaviour? I'm a teacher myself and I know I need to establish a positive relationship with the teachers at the start of the year, frequent communication etc. However, does anyone have strategies for at home that helped? My DH and I try to be good parents, role modelling good behaviour, consequences where necessary i.e. removal of internet but his behaviour can be a big challenge. Homework is a nightmare. Reading is also a nightmare because he refuses.

Any tips from a parenting view would be appreciated. I do worry about him and secondary school.

Accept the child you have is the first one. Maybe as a teacher, you see in kids the type of behaviour you wish your son could display. That’s not going to happen if he possibly has ADHD.

ADHD doesn’t respond to punishment. He can’t control his behaviour as such. What you have to do, is to try and avoid the triggers and distract. He will probably still continue to misbehave but just make sure he is safe. It’s fine.

Carrying out consequences like no internet if badly behaved likely leads to more confrontation, more shouting. It just causes more stress to you and doesn’t work, because his behaviour is still an issue.

Don't be embarrassed by your son’s behaviour. He’s done really well and I’m sorry he has missed out on the award. You have to explain to the school that he will never be able to achieve perfect behaviour but that you notice with positive feedback (like awards) he responds better.
Homework, give him his own desk away from distraction, give a timer and let him get on with it. If he refuses to do so, then send it in to school. Let him be marked down for it. Then let him try the next night and see if he will tackle without drama. Don’t punish if he doesn’t do it. If it continues, you have to make an apt to speak to the teacher with him present to instil the importance of the homework.

Thank you for your advice. I did request more help with homework for the next academic year so that is a positive. I explained that I'm trying my very best to support him and balance work but it is very challenging with his refusal (as your own children never listen to you more than their own teachers, despite me being one ha). What I find very tricky is his behaviour and defiance at home. Everything is a no, refusal, arguing back or it takes ages to complete a simple task like putting PJ's on and this is vastly different to my other child. I am going to ensure that I take the kids out every day in nature during the holidays and minimise tech which should hopefully help him feel more balanced.

Go private if necessary but get a proper Ed Psych assessment.

Was it an award only one child could get? If so then I think it’s right it went to someone with good behaviour, often the children who get on without fuss are overlooked (I’m a teacher myself and see this all of the time!)
If anyone meeting the criteria could get it then that’s different and may be worth speaking with school.

I struggle with one of my children. Firm but consistent boundaries. Expectation that certain things will be done then immediate consequence if not, sounds harsh but she runs rings around me if I’m not firm. Lots of time together, praise, spending time following her interest and talking with her so she feels I listen to her.

I read an article that included a series of interviews with successful adults who had ADHD. They were all in demanding jobs and the article was about how they managed their ADHD and their jobs. Most of them did a lot of exercise especially before work or a meeting. Intensive exercise like running seemed to help the most with regulating behaviour and emotions.

I think you need to do a bit of research on adhd, it’ll really help to understand his behaviours more. For example saying no, and refusing to do something once someone has asked is a common issue with adhd. I think it’s called demand avoidance. Instead he needs to be in charge of his own things so if you can find a way to do that it could massively help. For example asking him what he needs to do next instead of telling him to go get ready for bed, or clean his room or whatever else.
not wanting to do ‘boring’ things is also typical, no one wants to do homework really but for some kids with adhd, no matter how much they try its like the brain cannot focus on the task. Can you make it fun and can you give mini rewards? Eg, a silly 30 second dance party after each maths question answered to make it fun and also get some energy out.
Also check he can actually do the tasks you’re setting, does he know the steps to cleaning his room for example? Or does he look at a big mess and not know where to start - this is also typical of adhd. If it’s the latter it doesn’t matter how much encouraging he’s given if he doesn’t know how to do the task. So you need to set him up for success and make sure he knows what he’s doing.

With regard to consequences, when he’s behaving ‘badly’ he’s not really thinking of the consequences, because if he has adhd he’s impulsive, so the threat of them doesn’t really matter. What will help is longer term strategies to control compulsiveness and delayed gratification and empowering him to make better decisions.

Yes it was an award that the whole class could apply for and many got it. He has now missed out on it two years in a row (there are three awards). I asked for feedback on what he needed to do in order to get one in his last year as he was disappointed.

Thanks for your suggestions. Lots of useful food for thought! I will get some books on ADHD as a starter.

Exercise does sound like a good strategy as well.

Google parenting strategies for PDA (pathological demand avoidance). This is NOT to say that your DC has PDA, but the parenting strategies will be really useful to you anyway.

It’s basically creating a low-demand environment so you keep the ‘you must’ moments to a minimum in order to maximise the chances of compliance. These strategies work really well on all children, tbh. (And adults!)

Yes it was an award that the whole class could apply for and many got it. He has now missed out on it two years in a row (there are three awards)

There are many awards or three?

What were the awards for specifically-what do you have to do to get one, other than charity work?

“Basically my 10yo son missed out on a special yr5 award at the end of the year (all children in the class apply for it) but despite doing the tasks required for it such as charity work etc, he wasn't given it due to underlying behaviour. I feel disappointed for him as he was expecting this year it. He has suspected ADHD but a Cahms referral got nowhere. My question is, has anybody managed to positively transform their child's behaviour?”

What the hell?! He should get the award! I’d be going in and kicking up a fuss. I have ADHD and to require a preteen boy with unmedicated ADHD to behave perfectly is like requiring a wheelchair user to run a race on sports day.

He completed ALL the tasks. It was most likely MUCH HARDER for him to just do that compared to a NT kid and he doesn’t get the award? Bollocks to that.

He is being discriminated against. The school is required by law to make accommodations for any/all suspected and diagnosed disabilities. You don’t need the ADHD diagnosis for them to be required to put accommodations in place- the fact he met the threshold for referral and he is on a waiting list is enough.

for some kids with adhd, no matter how much they try its like the brain cannot focus on the task. Yes. This is the truth.

Can you make it fun and can you give mini rewards?
Neither stick nor carrot will force the ADHD brain to focus when it can’t. It is literally like a brick wall and MUCH worse than any brain fog. You need medication to take down this barrier.

I disagree. If a child has been disruptive all year I think it is fine not to give them an award. It completely devalues the achievement, like giving a gold medal in the hundred metres to children who came tenth and eleventh. Nothing wrong with not winning everything, most of us didn't.

So you’re in favour of punishing a child for a symptom of their disability even if they complete all the tasks set for an academic award?

So, you would not give this academic award to a deaf child for being loud and not listening all year too? Or a child with incontinence for pissing and pooing themselves all year?

It’s no different when it comes to ADHD and behaviour or ASD and rudeness. It’s a disability, not naughtiness.

Not that I think you are engaging with what I am saying here but I would not give a deaf child and award for singing if their deafness means they can't sing. I will ignore your ridiculous suggestion about continence awards.

I disagree. If a child has been disruptive all year I think it is fine not to give them an award. It completely devalues the achievement

It is an academic award given to every child who completes a series of academic tasks. Behaviour not within the child’s control should not even be considered. Same with say, attendance of a chronically sick kid…if they get all the tasks done as required to get the academic award, they should get the award and not have withheld because their attendance isn’t perfect or higher than they can realistically get to with their health conditions.

You’re not understanding what I am writing, I said nothing about awards for singing or continence,

I am talking about using behaviours that are caused by disability as an (unethical and illegal) reason to wrongly disqualify a child from getting an academic award they have earned.

I can see the point of view of not wanting to devalue the award hence why I only asked for feedback on what he needed to do to achieve it next year from the school. I just want to try and support him to help him improve his behaviour and focus so that he has a good start in secondary school and to boost his self esteem/ wellbeing.

It is not an academic award, it is clearly more of an all-around award, encompassing charity work, behaviour etc. He has not earned it, and he has not been awarded it. If it were purely academic and he met the standard, then he would have got the award. If it were purely academic and he did not meet the standard, he would not have got it, even if he had been as good as gold all year. These prizes are worth nothing if they are just handed out with a shrug to anyone who wants one.

Thats not clear at all. OP said to get the award, the child must complete all the tasks. Her DS completed all the tasks. Doesn’t sound like an all around award where you must have good behaviour too.

Even if it were an all around award, as a disabled child with a disability that profoundly affects his behaviour, the standard of behaviour target should be adjusted to make a reasonable accommodation instead of being a wholly unachievable target.

The problem with trying to punish disabled children into being abled is that they end up completely demotivated and unwilling to even try. After two years running of doing all the tasks asked of him to get an award and it being yanked from him because of what he cannot control, he, like even an adult would, is going to think what is even the point of trying? Why did I push myself to get all these tasks done for an award when they’re not going to give it to me all because of a disability I have no control over. Why even bother with school.

Then mum wonders why he is refusing to do homework. Wondering why he just wants to clock off from a school day and not think about it until the next school day. Wondering why his self esteem is in the toilet and he doesn’t have the confidence he used to.

It is because the school is actively discouraging him and making him feel like he can never be good enough. The school should be supporting him, but they are tearing him down.

I disagree with you. His behaviour has been poor, his classmates have seen and experienced this. He has no diagnosis, and for all we know needs none. The award clearly has a behavioural element if it involves charity work etc.

You can argue all you like that any child who behaves poorly is doing so because the school has cruelly refused to reward their efforts and now they can't be bothered. I think if anything the UK system tends to reward poor behaviour, and I would prefer them not to.

I’m not sure I agree medication is the only route though It definitely is for some people. My dsis has adhd, diagnosed privately and nhs. She has never been medicated, she has been very successful. I think some people can learn coping strategies and ways to motivate themselves to study and achieve (at least some, or most of) the things that must be done day to day. This might not be the case for everyone and even the ones that can do it are having a much harder time than NT people, but I think it’s worth learning about and trying before medicating personally.

The Op can confirm, but I think this is an award that they can apply for by doing certain tasks (and pretty much all the class manages this) and they then pick 3 to actually get the award, by the sound of it, based on other things like behaviour.

In which case there presumably have been at least 23 other children in the class who have also been disappointed both years.

I think for some children that school is just not a very good fit. It's hard for them to conform to expected standards of behaviour even although their behaviour might be seen as perfectly acceptable - even desirable - in other environments. The awards and accolades go to other children, who aren't more talented, just able to conform.

If you haven't watched this Ken Robinson talk, I think you'll find it illuminating,
particularly the last section about the little girl who might nowadays be said to have ADHD.

If you are a teacher I'm probably teaching you how to suck eggs ,so I apologise in advance.

Have a clear routine in place.

Do homework in short bursts rather than all at once. Start with the tasks he finds easiest/enjoys the most so he gets a dopamine hit and a sense of achievement.

Ask the school if they can adapt the homework to his needs. So rather than writing a fact file, could he do a PowerPoint or a poster or an image board for example.

Also with homework, adjust his environment and see if it helps and allow him to fidget ,move , spin in a circle ,lay on the floor etc. as long as he does the work.

Offer help(this can be a pain) in a format that suits him. Play around a little bit. If he can't /won't write a story will he record himself telling it? Will he type it either on a laptop or in a text?

Clear reminders(both for time left until x and now and next type things) and instructions .

Give two acceptable choices. I.E. Do you want to do your English homework first or your Art?

End important (I say important as it loses effectiveness if it's constantly used) requests with a thank you rather than please. So "Go and brush your teeth now, thank you."

Reading. Does he hate all reading? Expose him to a range of writing in various forms. Magazines, actual books , or something like a kindle. Fiction, non fiction. Comic books and novels (DD preferred this for a while as she found reading walls of writing incredibly boring). Various genres , with themes that spark an interest(there are minecraft stories for example if he's into that). Don't necessarily aim for his age , they can be lower if they spark interest and enjoyment.

Most importantly ask him what does he think would help him with x,y,z.

If you post some specific issues you need help with I can try and give some targeted advice , as this is all general stuff.

Forgot the main one. Catch him being good. Lots of specific praise when he displays behaviours and attitudes you want to see. Rewards too if you can/want.