Opinions needed on Yr3 son's school - state to private?

[OneAzureBeaker]

So my son is NOT thriving at his primary. He spends half his time out of the classroom either in the library or in internal suspension outside the Head's office.
I suspect he has ASD and ADHD but he's also very bright, loves maths, number facts and reading. He has also destroyed the classroom, flipped tables, hit other children apparently without warning.
I do not know the child school sees. At home he is loving and kind and sweet, although he finds transitions difficult, especially when in hyperfocus mode, and is very sensory and CANNOT sit still.
We are trying to get him diagnosed but the waiting list is YEARS long, so we are now on the waiting list for private diagnosis.
The school SENCO (who was also his class teacher) spent years denying that he could possibly have any sort of SEN, and was merely making poor choices, and issued sticker charts.
After a year of MyPlans and generally being fobbed off I insisted on an EHCP needs assessment which is now very overdue and likely to stay so.
I can't bear this any longer so I've found a lovely private school. It will be a huge financial struggle (I'm only a part time teacher so don't earn much, plus 2 other children), and I'm not even sure they will take a child that apparently has such severe behavioural issues, but I will try.
Anyone have any advice, opinions, or suggestions?
TIA

You need to speak to the private school. Just because they have smaller classes it doesn’t mean they make provision for children with SEN.

I would be cautious have you disclosed your DS behavioural issues as many private schools won’t accept children with SEMH issues. I would focus on getting an EHCP in all honesty as you could find yourself being asked to leave the private school. Small classes are not always a magic wand for SEN. Good luck

Thanks for the replies. I would say he does not have SEMH issues though - he's bored and frustrated, and the other children bait him. He's continuously over stimulated by a noisy crowded classroom, and yet being given work to do that he could do at age 3 let alone year 3. And he does not exhibit problems at his extra curricular activities. Just school.
I have told the admissions tutor that we are awaiting ASD/ADHD diagnosis and an EHCP.
There is nothing left to "focus" on with the EHCP. It's all in. Just waiting on the council now and apparently it will take 6 months or more in this area. We are already well past the statutory 20 weeks. But even when we do get one I have no confidence that his current school will provide for him suitably.

If you put him in the private school and he has those kind of behaviours they will exclude him or ask you to take him out. They will not accept or provide for kids with challenging behaviour. You seem to be on the one hand saying he has significant send and then on the other saying the behaviour is because he is bored or someone has annoyed or baited him. Unfortunately the situation will be the same. Bored kids also do not flip tables and hurt others unless there are other issues.

I do not dispute he has SEND. I dispute that the SEND is SEMH. I think the behaviour school are seeing are due to school, as they do not occur anywhere else.

Also. Currently his state school does not provide anyway. He spends most of his time in the library. Quietly reading books.

Can you afford the fees if they increase by 20%? Can you afford the same school for your other children?

Are there other state schools that you can explore locally?

My DS has been waiting for assessment since he was in Reception and expecting this to be next year when he is in year 3. Unsure at this stage if we will pursue an EHCP. What adaptations would help him, regardless of setting?

If you think all will be well in a private school then yes move him if you can afford it. However it seems quite extreme behaviour and this usually indicates significant needs. Private schools do not tend to work well for kids with these kinds of problems unless they are specialist in some ways.

The private school will ask the current school for a reference. They will always make a call if they are concerned. It really depends how desperate they are to fill the space at the private school. Your best bet is asking for more support at the state school or moving state school (could you name another school on the EHCP? You get to choose).

For the avoidance of doubt I will disclose to the school everything before looking round. I have mentioned some of it anyway.
I want a school that will give him work (especially maths) that is suitable to his current ability and challenges him. They are currently doing telling the time which he has been able to do since age 3. He can solve simple algebra and find areas and volumes of various shapes, do fractions in his head, percentages, and simple probability.
I want a school that will intervene when he is getting agitated and prompt him to put in his ear plugs if noise is getting to him, rather than telling him off and allowing other children to call him names and kick him under the table then get him in trouble when he retaliates. He wont think to defend himself - just will admit he has hurt the other child. The other child will deny doing anything.
I want a school that will allow him to remove his socks when his sensory issues are high, and allow him fiddle toys. (he is not allowed fiddle toys as he once threw one across the room in year 1 in frustration). I want a school that will supervise social interactions at playtime and lunchtime and help him with disagreements rather than just banning him from the playground. He's not been out in over a year. I have no problems with him at playgrounds out of school because I supervise.
Its extremely frustrating.

If he is flipping tables and hitting children that is not boredom that is SEMH. Frankly you sound in denial of your DS needs and think that paying for a small class will buy your way out of these issues, they won’t and you will soon have other fee paying parents kicking off if he exhibits this behaviour in a private school. Moving him may scab the issue short term but not address his needs. I mean this kindly 💐

I have contacted the nearest primaries and just got nowhere.

There is a difference between sensory overload meltdown and SEMH

He has sensory and social communication needs. I am not in denial of that. The school's complete mishandling of these led to meltdowns which resulted in him flipping tables.

That is why you need an excellent EHCP. Spend your money on the best Ed Psych you can afford to get him the support and provision he needs.

From what you are saying here he needs specialist provision such as Gretton or Holmewood or a similar model.

I have rung around every single special school in the area. That was my first plan.
Due to funding cuts NONE of them currently cater for autistic children at or near normal intelligence. Even the ones that used to have had to restrict to autistic students with significant cognitive disabilities as well now.

But I'm now convinced that private school isn't the answer either.
My last option is quit my job and homeschool, unless anyone has any other suggestions?

Yeah done that. Waiting on the council now. Ed Psych was in agreement with me btw,

OK thanks for that. I'll bin the idea then. I

The schools I have suggested are independent specialists whereabouts are you? PM me if you prefer.

sounds like he needs 1-2-1 support, and hopefully his EHCP will specify this. It is such a shame for him that things are going so badly right now. You work part time did you say? Do you think the school would agree to a part time timetable, temporarily while waiting for the EHCP, so that he can spend part of the week at home with you, in a low stress environment where he can be catered to educationally. The school can still provide the work for him to do at home?

The ed psych report said a high level of keyworker support was needed. His school have said categorically they do not do 121s.
I cannot support a part time timetable. I have other carer demands on my time from other family members, and to be honest I wouldn't want the work the school would provide anyway. I do not believe he ever learns anything new at school anyway, unless he's read it in a book in the library. I would prefer that school could be calmer and quieter as I believe he would cope with that - hence me thinking private school.

It is illegal for schools to say that they don’t provide 1 to 1, if it is written into his EHCP specific and quantified then it must be provided.

My dd is likely ASD (awaiting assessment) and private school has been brilliant with her in terms of proactively providing lots of small adjustments, having the bandwidth to provide more tailored support in class, and working really closely with family and other therapists when needed. Mainstream indie, but one with a reputation for good send support.

that said, another child in her class is on the verge of being excluded for behaviour (mostly violently lashing out at other children afik), so despite a really strong send provision, they can’t and won’t accommodate all children with send. At out school it seems to depend on the level of disruption for other children (dd can be very vocal with meltdowns, but is never violent), and level of parental engagement- I know previous instances where child was asked to leave when school saw an issue and parents deny it.

i would be brutally honest with the school and gauge their reaction. The type of behaviour you describe (flipping tables) would not be tolerated at our school, as it is a safety risk for other children, so I would be concerned that if granted a place it would be precarious. But then if the options are give this school a go vs. Home educate there is no harm in giving it a go if the school seem confident.

I understand the struggle - dd is far worse at school than at home. We are perfectly adapted to our children’s needs , but a mainstream school of any stripe has limits in terms of what they can accommodate, and it is a more stressful environment to boot.