Parents evening with ex

[Rh2600]

Hi all, new to this place thought here might offer me the best advice.

So I am a separated dad to teenager. My ex and I split when he was one, long story but while I was working away she was seeing her ex(f) and her GF. And I was surplus to requirements. It was a very dark time, but my son has been most important thing in my life since and have ok visitation rights and holidays. Ex flip flopped with both of her partners, but married one. I have a long term GF. Over last 10 years things been mainly amicable and friendly we as his parents would go to parents evening together make decisions together, however of late being getting impression from things said, I am being erased as a parent, not sure if this is ex or her partner leading this.

So parents evening come round again. This year, however ex wants to take her partner, she has said I can come along if I like however she knows I would find this extremely uncomfortable and stress me out. And I have no wish to be paraded as child's 3rd parent or restropective sperm donor

She says school will only offer 1 slot per child.

Anyone got any advice.

Have you checked with the school that that is the case?

I know from your point of view it seems unfair of her to be bringing her partner but if the partner plays a big part on your child's life then I can see why she'd want to be there. It would be different if she was saying you couldn't come but she's not. Yes, it may be awkward but I think you just need to deal with that and put your child first.

I say this as a stepmum who has been threatened by my DHs ex at my DSDs school event. At the last you guys are amicable and friendly.

I don't think there's any need to step parents to come. But I'm guessing a lot will disagree on here.

Not sure what you can do about this without creating ill feeling with her.

The school should accommodate you. If not go along - it will be fine.

Talk to the school. A lot of schools will offer separate sessions for separated parents, so you should be able to have your own slot.

She has played a big part. Helping break up the family to play happy families and try and erase my child's parentage lol.

I have no issue with the ex partner being involved, but not as a replacement, I am not a parent who is absent, I try to be as much in my child's life as possible. Would have like to have more access but threatened with no access if I persued through courts, or even moved to same town to see him during the week.

Time toput childs feelings over yours. Get over feeling uncomfortable

I have been a step parent and would not have seen it as my place to be there, unless by some strange coincidence neither biological parent could have been and they had asked me (we were all amicable so this could just about plausibly have happened). I wouldn't have been queuing up for the role - parents evenings aren't exactly fascinating.

Having said that I don't think it's worth you rocking the boat over. It's weird and annoying but I would just suck it up and go to. I don't think the teachers will have any reason to treat you as a third wheel - in those circumstances as a teacher I would address the biological parents primarily if I had to focus on particular people (if you see what i mean).

I am a step parent and I wouldn't think of going to parents night and making DPs ex uncomfortable. Similarly my DP would not do the same with my children and squeeze out my ex. I think though that you should either just go as the teacher is really unlikely to see you as anything other than a responsible father. Or else see if they will accommodate a separate meeting for you. Schools are very used to unconventional family arrangements these days and generally just want to avoid seeming judgmental or rigid.

I would call the school and advise that as a very involved parent, you want to be included in all comms about parent’s evenings, results, your child’s well-being and that you have been informed by your ex that this is the case (one slot) and that you wish it to be only parents involved, not other people.

It may be awkward as there's usually only three chairs set out. At my school you wouldn't be offered separate slots as there aren't enough for everyone as it is. You should definitely not let it stop you going. Will your ds mind having to show up with three adults?

The schools are not going to police domestics ....

This is between you and your ex

Tell them its parents evening. 2 chairs and you will be attending

Arrange directly with the school to attend at a different time slot to your ex, and focus on your child's schooling.

it really isn't as complicated as you're making it.

Thanks for all the feedback, will contact school today.

This is secondary school isn't it if child is a teenager.
There aren't enough slots for everyone, let alone giving 2 to kids with divorced parents.

Either go as a 3, or ask your child who they want. Don't bother the school.

Either go as a 3, or ask your child who they want. Don't bother the school.

Nuts.

Of course the SP shouldn't go, and OP's ex is being massively unreasonable.

Both parents should go.

If his ex can't agree, OP is of course entitled to ask for separate meetings, and it's commendable that he wishes to do so.

Don't ask the child to decide, the parents are the adults.

Tell your ex that you are attending like you always do.
That you won’t feel uncomfortable with the step parent, but he might feel awkward when there are only 2 seats, one of which you will be sitting on.

If the step parent goes, what a dickhead.
Don’t discuss with child, it’s not their problem.

5 mins per slot is 12 in an hour, so 36 total in 3 hours.
Often teachers will be teaching 60 pupils in the year (eg 2 sets for maths across two halves) or maybe 120+ for a subject like RE.
No way two of those slots should go to 1 child.

It may be that the step parent is more involved in education day to day than either of the actual parents. If so it makes sense for them to be present.

But generally, no harm in all 3 going together from the school point of view.

It is up to the adults to sort out. School have 1001 more important things to think about than this.

@TeenDivided

The school my DC attend would absolutely facilitate two meetings, if needed.

I agree it should be arranged by the parents. The SP has no role there, regardless of their educational input. (I mean, in many families only 1 parent goes anyway).

If it's important to OP to be there (& I commend his involvement given the number of men - it is usually men - who don't bother), if his ex is insisting on bringing her partner, he has every right to request a meeting and for it to be facilitated.

As a step parent myself, I would never expect to be part of a parent's evening. I have a role in their lives but this to me is an overstep when there are two involved biological parents. Completely unreasonable for this to be suggested in my view.

OP why does it make it so uncomfortable for you if her DP is there ? If anything he would find it uncomfortable?
I would write back to school and say that you are divorced and you will be attending along with his mum as you are his Dad and you have PR. Copy her in to the email.

If she brings along another person then it's up to her to arrange it with school. But she needs to be clear that you have PR.

Don't be scared of court by the way. Courts will want you to have a relationship with your child. And if she goes to any family solicitor they'll tell her that

@Anameisaname

Did you read the OP?

while I was working away she was seeing her ex(f) and her GF. And I was surplus to requirements
Ex flip flopped with both of her partners, but married one.

I mean you can see that was a very messy situation, and it's understandable OP doesn't want to share parental roles with his ex's partner, who has no role in this.

I did

But I was assuming this was a few years later and presumably the new DP is around a fair bit and maybe they've all gotten used to each other

In any case OP has nothing to be uncomfortable about.

Your child is a teenager (no SEN mentioned) so presumably knows who his parents are. Particularly if your ex's partner is female, so no you are not being erased.

You are free to go to any school event you like.

I attended my DSDs parents evenings with my DH because they allowed separate meetings. Even if I wasn't going DH would still have requested a separate meeting due to his ex being high conflict. I do the school runs when DSD is at ours and help with homework etc. I spend more time with my DSD than her mum does so of course I want to be there.

However, I also appreciate that if only one meeting was allowed it is not my place to be there. I'd love to go to all my DSDs school shows and I felt so guilty when she asked why I wasn't at one of her nursery Xmas shows, but when there's only 2 tickets per child the bio parents will always take priority over me regardless of how much I'm involved.

My DH has his kids more that his ex yet still feels uncomfortable being in the same room as her. It doesn't matter if OP absolutely has the right to be there, he can still feel uncomfortable with his ex's DP being present. Trying to bite your tongue while your ex and DP makes passive aggressive comments and snarky remarks will absolutely make you feel awkward. Even if they don't do that, given the history I absolutely get why he would feel uncomfortable.