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Original poster

Do you decide who your dc are going to be friends with at school?

42 replies

mrsruffallo · 18/03/2008 13:42

I don't do this as I think they should make their own genuine friends

I am quite surprised how many people check out the parents and decide their children will be friends even if they don't have much interest in each other

Anyone experienced this?

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 18/03/2008 13:44

I dont do this, but perhaps i should as my ds is only friends with all the rough kids or ones that get into trouble. No interest in the 'decent' ones

goingfor3 · 18/03/2008 13:45

There is a mum at DD's school and she arranges play dates for her daughter with children the mum would like the girl to be friends with. You can't force friendships like that though.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 18/03/2008 13:46

Good for you carmen- don't do it, boy's got spirit, obviously

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 18/03/2008 13:46

I have definitely noticed that parents are kind of lazy and don't often do anything to promote particular friendships that are being formed; many parents are in little friendship groups and from those kids and parents we have had NO playdate invitations even when my ds and their ds have been thick as theives. Their kids go round to each other's houses because the mums get on.

Which I have to say I do understand; it's far easier to do that than start having perfect strangers drop their kids off etc.

It's a shame though.

But at the end of the day the kids will have their friendships at school and that's a big chunk of time.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 18/03/2008 13:47

I agree goingfor3. There's always one isn't there?

OP posts:
paddingtonbear1 · 18/03/2008 13:48

dd is only in reception but no, I don't choose her friends. I haven't come across anyone who does yet.

Twiglett · 18/03/2008 13:50

yes I suppose in a way I am guilty

it's not that I've decided who should be their friends, just that I've clicked with certain parents then subsequently because our children have spent a lot of time together they tend to be closer friends in the school environment

what do you mean by make their own 'genuine' friends .. really DS is happy with playing with lots of different children and has children he knows better .. DD is shaping up the same tbh ..

We have never had a child round that they haven't found some point of friendship and if there was a child they didn't like I wouldn't do it again

carmenelectra · 18/03/2008 13:50

Mrs ruff,

Hes definitely got spirit! But im wondering if he has a problem too!!LOL. He is only drawn to the bad 'uns.

Im serious. I say 'Oh so and so looks like a nice boy'. And hes 'WHAAT?'.

Twiglett · 18/03/2008 13:51

who decides that the children are 'thick as thieves' though .. my child is allowed to invite whoever he wants to

JudgeNutmeg · 18/03/2008 13:53

I know where you are coming from HG. We spent the first 7 years of our children's lives in a small village where the children all played together. To then move and have to build friendships just to garner playmates for the boys was very hard. Frankly, I was to busy and tired to bother! I now go to greater lengths to greet new parents at school as I remember how hard it was to 'break in'.

As it happens, my kids seem to be pretty good judges of character, they like silly, funny, quirky types and their current friends are nice to be around. It just took a few years for them to forge their own way. It's a bonus that thier parents have become friends too.

HonoriaGlossop · 18/03/2008 13:58

It is interesting JudgeN that so far ds is the same, he has sought out the kids that I think are nice little characters and the kids he thinks of as his 'arch enemies' are the naughty kids who I would want him to steer clear of!

So yes, good judges of character which is reassuring isn't it.....

And good for you to greet other parents, I have found that really rare.

Fimbo · 18/03/2008 14:03

There is a mum at our school, who told me she only invites girls round because "they need to play with the same sex".

I didn't quite know how to respond to that.

PrimulaVeris · 18/03/2008 14:51

Mine choose their own friends, always have done

And I am proud that they have chosen very well so far .

juuule · 18/03/2008 16:13

Whatever parents do to try to arrange friendships it won't make much difference as the children get older. And once they get to secondary school then chances are you won't even know who half their friends are anyway.
I don't think there's any harm in promoting what you know as a safe circle of friends while they are in infant school.

Bink · 18/03/2008 16:31

Isn't it like everything, and Depends?

I'm very grateful to a mother at ds's school who absolutely deliberately chose to foster her ds & mine being friends (and it needed fostering, as the boys are both a bit uncertain socially) - they are now fast fast friends, and in each other's pocket to the extent it's time for them to be encouraged to branch out. (And of course being such friends has given them the confidence to do that.)

It might have happened without her input, but equally well it mightn't. And, just to finish, at the time she began this, the boys didn't show much interest in each other. Before their first playdate I had quite an anxious conversation with her. So, just another side to the story.

tinylady · 18/03/2008 16:32

I agree witho others who trust their dc to manke their friends.
Mine choose serious types

alfiesbabe · 18/03/2008 19:47

I think the idea of trying to manipulate your children's friendships is very dodgy. Children are individuals and should be trusted to make their own friendships.

Miggsie · 18/03/2008 19:50

I let DD chose her friends, generally the parents are ok, but she doesn't play with them and I don't feel obligated to entertain the parents.
But I know people who "decide" on the "right" friends for their kids, but I can't see how it works long term

gegs73 · 18/03/2008 20:32

DS1 chooses his own friends. I have had playdates with children and Mums I've not even noticed before hes asked them to play. He does have other friends through people I know but its very much a mix of the two.

Apparently he is very bossy so I don't need to worry about anyone being a bad influence

Mercy · 18/03/2008 20:38

The vast majority of the time, no.

But I have gently discouraged one or 2 potential friendships where I can see that dd is only wanting to be the friend to a couple of children in order to be popular/part of the so called gang/not left out type situation.

Ds is only just 4 so friendships do need be fostered to some extent.

Quattrocento · 18/03/2008 20:49

I am partly guilty of this.

So for instance a new little girl called X came over last weekend. I took an instant and probably totally irrational dislike to the father. Rough diamond, late and unapologetic, thought a lot of himself (he is a PE teacher btw not a chief executive). The girl herself seemed quiet and inoffensive but she told us about her half sister and the way she told us made my flesh creep. Her father "didn't want the other woman any more so he got rid of her".

I don't want my children thinking that people are disposable so she won't be coming back.

Quattrocento · 18/03/2008 20:53

Btw my children go to a fee paying school but I still have to do quite a lot of weeding ...

rantinghousewife · 18/03/2008 20:54

No, my mum always thought I should be friends with a certain type of person, you know the type who's 'not common' and it wound me up something rotten. To the point where I instantly liked anyone she proclaimed a 'bit odd/common/tarred with the ugly brush etc'.
I made a solemn vow to myself that I would never do that with my own dcs and they do have friends that I'm not particularly mad about. But it is their choice, I don't want to live their lives for them.

Hulababy · 18/03/2008 20:54

No, I have no say in who DD plays with at school. I am not there; she gets to choose!

Playdates - she tels me who she wants to come home for tea and I invite them.

Her two best friends out side of school were initially initiated by me, as I am friends with their mum. But fortunately th girls have got on really well too - phew. One is in DD's class and although they like one another a lot and often sit next to each other they don't play in the playground together as "they get to play together at home." her other best friend doen't go to her school.

DoodleToYou · 18/03/2008 20:55

Message withdrawn