WWYD if it was your DS? Private vs State

[Heatherbell1978]

Hoping this doesn't derail into a private vs state convo.
DS is 9 and struggling at (state) school. He's very bright and we've got a tutor to support him who thinks it's highly likely he's dyslexic with potential ADHD. He has issues with concentration, short-term memory and explaining on paper what is in his head. His reading and spelling is fine so this is more of a processing thing. Not been identified at school but that doesn't surprise me as he's in a very disruptive class despite being at a good school. Class is full of children with behavioural and learning issues which is most likely a bit of a Covid fall-out. I'm worried about secondary. Our state option isn't great.

He sat assessments for private school recently and we're waiting for results. Not sure how it will go.

We can comfortably afford private for DS but it's a stretch for DD. We can keep DD where she is and move her for secondary which would give us 5 years of 'only' paying for one before a 3 year overlap of them both in secondary.

So there's a risk that in 5 years time we can't afford to send DD. Who knows what'll happen between now and then. Could be in a better position financially but may not. If all goes well we should be ok and grandparents might help but can't rely on that.

Would you send older child knowing that that risk exists for second child? For context she is doing very well at school (age 6) and would most likely be fine in any school.

I don’t think that you can send one child and not the other - especially when the second is a girl - so in your position I would start saving hard now.

Starting today I would put the cost of one independent place into a high interest savings account each month (ie you’ll be in the same situation as you’ll be once ds starts). That should give you enough to cover the majority of the overlap time.

I would try a different state school before I went private. Not every school is a good fit for every child.

On top of which, many private schools aren't great for children with SEN.

Most parents I know who are paying out of their income have saved for several years. My suggestion would be to immediately start taking out the monthly cost of 2 x sets of school fees and putting them into a high intetest savings account which will tell you how affordable it is. It will also give you time to save up for a few years of fees for your DD. If it is a struggle to do that every month now then it probably isn't feasible as fees are only going to rise over the next few years.

Not really an option where I am. Scotland works on a catchment basis and it's very hard to get into a state school out of catchment. Virtually impossible for the 'good' schools.

For context we actually have enough in savings to nearly cover the full fees for DS. Our plan would be to keep it there and pay DS fees out of income for 5 years. Then use that money as back up when DD goes. The risk would be if for any reason we had to draw on it earlier. So we're in a relatively decent position. I'm just a born worrier. We're in Scotland too so I'm not talking London fees.

If I were you I'd take the private vs state element out of your thinking for a moment (since that is such a controversial and emotive binary). I feel like you'll get comments along the line of your daughter "resenting" you if she doesn't get the same private education as her brother, but my experience shows that isn't necessarily the case.

Instead, focus on what is the right environment for each child. If your son is struggling and you think you could find a better environment for him in a school that happens to be private, then go ahead and do that. If your daughter is happy and thriving, then leave her there! Have a frank conversation with them both about why your son is moving school, and allow her to ask questions or express her feelings about it, so it's all out in the open.

I went to state schools all through my education, where I did well, whereas my sister was sent to a private boarding school for secondary because she was struggling and she needed a much different environment. She ended up doing so much better there and is happy and thriving in life. I don't resent her for getting this benefit, or my mother for doing what she thought she needed to do to help my sister succeed.

And for what it's worth, I went to a "prestigious" uni and got an advanced degree, despite "only" going to state school. She went to an average uni and didn't do too well. Either way, we are both in our 30s now with successful careers.

Do what you think is right for each child.

Something else to consider and I don't know if applies to the school you're looking at but if your DS needs extra support in the classroom then this can be a chargeable extra at independent schools.

This is best for your son right now. There's every chance that you'll be able to afford it for dd but maybe she won't need it or even want it. Or maybe the world will implode between now and than. Do what's right for your son now and put in place as much as you can to ensure dd has an equal opportunity.

In you position I would feel like I had enough in the way of funding (income + savings), time to accumulate further savings and/or income, as well as potential backup options (grandparents) to move forward with sending ds1. I would then keep an eye on how circumstances evolve to make sure I could course correct as gently as possible (not have to make drastic changes at inopportune times in their education). Ideally both children get the same educational opportunities, but if you had a massive change in circumstances then I think you could manage expectations with dd with minimal impact. Even if you had funds for both in the bank right now, there are still a million possible scenarios that might change the calculation.

I think a bigger question is whether there is a school that would be a better fit for ds. many private schools ARE fab for SEN - it was a major factor for us moving to private and has been life changing for dd- but not ALL are, nor will all be the right fit for other interests.

our private school has been great at connecting us with specialist support and private assessments when appropriate, but all of that does come at extra cost. It might be worth looking into private support for suspected SEN now.

Thankfully it's not a chargeable extra. We've applied to 2 schools and one of them is very well known for its support for learning. A number of children go there because of that. My DS hasn't been diagnosed of course, but I fear that if he stays in state then I'd have to battle for that although we could carry on with the tutor of course.

You can't send an older child and not the younger. My older brother was sent to private but my parents couldn't afford it for me and my sister, it has caused a lot of resentment.

As someone who has been in this situation, it's both or none in my opinion.

Out of interest, where does the resentment come from? Has it had an obvious impact on your success vs theirs in later life? Did you have a bad experience at state? Genuinely interested to hear why you feel this way.

Have you had a reputable educational psychologist assess your DS yet? I would do that first and then follow their recommendation.
As regards state vs private if your DD is currently doing really well then clearly you can wait until much later for her. I don’t see any issue with that. A parent’s duty is to encourage their child to thrive. If your DS isn’t thriving the situation needs to be addressed.

My brother was first so was told he was really clever and should go to private, turns out we all were but the money wasn't there for us.

We both felt it was very unfair when he got all the frills of private school and we went to the local comp, we did well but I could have done better in smaller classes. I'm not close to my brother, he lived in a different world.

It doesn't matter now, but it did then.

We have had to decide with all our children whether to try for grammar school. It never occurred to me that I would not send DD1 in case the younger ones then didn’t get in further down the line. Payment or not, I don’t think that should carry that much weight, especially if he is having actual problems and isn’t happy.

Don’t forget to factor in the likely addition of VAT on fees

No we haven't. We had decided that private school may be a better option for DS before his tutor suggested dyslexia as we knew he was behind in school and is in a notoriously disruptive class. And like I say, not a great local secondary. The dyslexia suggestion would certainly support a few things we've noticed with him and it's something we'll be pursuing regardless. But in a way adds more weight to the whole thing.

That reasoning does sound unfair. I'd like to think if we're in that situation we could explain to DD that DS was struggling and we felt it was a better option. But of course I'd hate for her to grow up with resentment. Our local secondary isn't a total dive - Opportunities are there for the kids that want them and plenty go off to uni. But it's the lack of support and class disruption I think DS would struggle with. DD is quite different.

Is there any reason you’re not having DS assessed?

Without a diagnosis you are at the whim of whichever school you decide to send him to. Some may be forward thinking and offer support. But for others, they may not have the staff / resources / training.

If appropriate, a diagnosis would ensure DS has access to support through education, exams and the workplace. & the clinician can put strategies and support in place for home and school. SpLDs, ASD, ADHD etc… all require work at home and school to maximise outcomes.

If you can go private for the assessment, all the better. CAHMS is crumbling and you would need a clinician that can assess, score and diagnose. Check the differences between an Ed Psych and a Clinical Psych. They are not the same thing. Ed Psychs can’t diagnose ASD for example.

This potential SEN has only come out of the woodwork in recent weeks through observations from our tutor . We'll be getting him a diagnosis regardless of what school he goes to but very aware that the support in the private school we're looking at will be better than where he is. One of his classmates can't read and has just started receiving support for dyslexia now.

So I'm dyslexic my boys have a high chance of also being so (family history) I would sacrifice holidays and any luxuries to ensure they get the right support if needed. I did OK in state school but my DB did not fair so well and has struggled throughout.

If he is already struggling and there isn't another primary in your catchment which has good support then yes I would send DS. I would be trying to max potential chances though so savings into as high a interest account that you can find or several accounts. You can soon earn a good amount in interest each month at the moment.

I went to a private and a state school dying secondary. I did fine at both but the opportunities were incomparable at the private school so it would seem unfair to send one and not the other, even if it is less 'needed' for your DD.

I echo the above about getting him assessed.

My DS has ADHD and school was awful for him until we got the diagnosis. He is now medicated and top of the class. He's thriving.

I'd argue that having undiagnosed learning difficulties is his main issue, not his school. Pay for a private assessment first with your savings and then you know what you are dealing with.

If he does have ADHD, dealing with that will bring you the most success.

If I thought I could pay for an assessment (which I would happily do) and that would overnight transform his state experience then of course I would go down that route.

But I'm surrounded by stories of children not getting the help they need in the state sector. Like I say one of DS friends is very dyslexic and can't read and only now is getting help at the age of 9. My DS doesn't have high needs hence he lives under the radar and wouldn't be high priority for support.

I completely disagree.

Having watched my dyslexic DS struggle daily and my non-dyslexic DS thrive in state school I'd send my dyslexic DS private in a heartbeat.

Each child should be treated based upon their needs and the OP isn't ruling out private education in the future for her DD should she need it.

Your parents sem to not have thought the whole thing through or had a significant change of circumstances, which I believe is different.