WWYD if it was your DS? Private vs State

[Heatherbell1978]

Hoping this doesn't derail into a private vs state convo.
DS is 9 and struggling at (state) school. He's very bright and we've got a tutor to support him who thinks it's highly likely he's dyslexic with potential ADHD. He has issues with concentration, short-term memory and explaining on paper what is in his head. His reading and spelling is fine so this is more of a processing thing. Not been identified at school but that doesn't surprise me as he's in a very disruptive class despite being at a good school. Class is full of children with behavioural and learning issues which is most likely a bit of a Covid fall-out. I'm worried about secondary. Our state option isn't great.

He sat assessments for private school recently and we're waiting for results. Not sure how it will go.

We can comfortably afford private for DS but it's a stretch for DD. We can keep DD where she is and move her for secondary which would give us 5 years of 'only' paying for one before a 3 year overlap of them both in secondary.

So there's a risk that in 5 years time we can't afford to send DD. Who knows what'll happen between now and then. Could be in a better position financially but may not. If all goes well we should be ok and grandparents might help but can't rely on that.

Would you send older child knowing that that risk exists for second child? For context she is doing very well at school (age 6) and would most likely be fine in any school.

@FantasticElasticBand

Ed Psychs can’t diagnose ASD for example.

I'm an EP and I diagnose ASD as part of a multidisciplinary team.

Dyslexia is very different from ADHD. ADHD can be significantly improved with medication. In my experience, having my son assessed and medicated did totally transform his state education. He doesn't now need any extra support at school except for the odd pastoral session - one or two a term - and a teacher who is understanding of his diagnosis. He requires nothing else.

I'll be honest, if sounds like you've made up your mind and I'll also say that I think if you move him that's fine! I agree with others who say that you can move one but not the other if it better suits his needs but you need to be confident that if your daughter also needs that (or anything else) you can find it for her too. I think it's fine to have kids in different places provided they thrive where they are.

From an education perspective I think my mind is made up. There would be no hesitation if it wasn't for the financial commitment and potential risk that DD couldn't go too. On paper we can send DD too. It's just the 'what ifs'. We're not one of those wealthy families who barely blink at school fees so we need to consider the full picture.

I do agree with others that it's best to have him assessed first to gain a good understanding of his cognitive and attainment skills. Then go from there.

You said his reading and spelling is fine, but that's what dyslexia is (along with writing). Slow processing skills are often co-occurring with dyslexia but aren't a marker in itself.

I think in this case I'd just send DS, given his needs. I'm a teacher but not in your country and I'd honestly never advise private unless these were the circumstances. Once he hits teen years the lack of focus can lead to the wrong crowd, wanting to impress etc etc. My own DS is v similar in profile and is now adult and successful but I would have sent him to private age 9 if I could go back. Your DD doesn't face the same challenges/risks. My DS went completely astray age 13, I wish I'd understood his difficulties more but being v bright it was overlooked, even by me.

Hello OP
For what its worth, I have a good friend who found herself in this position. Paid for private from age 8 til 16 for elder, dyslexic DS. Her and DH had fully intended to pay for DC2, in the interests of fairness. However, by year 6, younger DC was thriving in local primary with such a good friendship group that parents decided to let them move on to local, very good, secondary school with same friends. All going well for both DC atm and it was a case of the right school for the DC, rather than a straight 'state vs private' decision.

Personally speaking, I would be looking at specialist private primary schools for your DS, since mine was lucky enough to attend Bruern Abbey, which was an amazing school which enabled him to achieve his potential and grow in confidence. Prior to moving to Bruern, my DS1 was found to have poor short term memory, processing issues and dyslexia, aged 10, despite having a high IQ and being able to read and spell well, in common with your DS.

@Heatherbell1978 we aren't ultra wealthy parents either, fund the fees out of wages and there is always uncertainty but for us the financisal risks were outweighed by the poor state options that we have so there was no real option. DD is thriving in private and we will do everything needed in order to keep her there.

This is where my head is going. DH and I both work FT in what I would consider high paying roles (but not in MN terms I think). DHs job is more risky - small company with no redundancy safety net. I work in a large company with a redundancy payout if that was to happen. But we also have mortgage, pensions etc to fund so outgoings are reasonable but we live quite frugally through choice. One not very fancy car, not fancy holidays (which we could cut back on), rarely eat out etc. And there's room to cut back more.

@squeekychicken

You test, score and diagnose? Or you undertake part of the testing & feed into the MDT?

Sorry, but I was told by my DS’s Clinical Psych that only a clinical can diagnose ASD.

Your child with ADHD needs a
school that caters for their ADHD.

If your other child is NT then they need a different school.

So if this means the only way you can get the right school for one child is by sending them private you should do that.

My DP and his sibling were educated differently due to the sibling's ND.

From another angle, I am a year or two ahead of you on making the same choice.
We chose private for almost identical reasons and recent adhd diagnosis.
Private has as much disruptive children as his primary. On a cheekier scale. Money does not necessarily remove that!
In fact, the school has hinted that things are a little out of control since September with behaviors. Not sure if it's a covid coming if age thing, but the school has never seen behaviour so bad and my ds is getting involved now too (year 7). Luckily he is telling me about it and we are talking through challenges but it's difficult to avoid following the pack.
I'm still glad we didn't go to the much larger state school. I feel his issues can be more noticed here and less under the radar.
The teachers are struggling though but hopefully they figure it out and get a handle on it soon.

We are in slightly similar situation, but are paying for private for our oldest but wouldn't be able to do so for our other children. But oldest is an introvert and very sensitive and I don't think would handle the rough and tumble of a large comp and also needs to be pushed to do well. Other children are very different and currently doing well at state. I don't think that if you can't afford private for more than one child, it should mean that no children get private. I think you should do the best thing for each child within finite resources and as others have said, explain that decision in age appropriate ways!

Thanks for this - DS is also quite sensitive and impressionable. He has a stammer too which never used to bother him but bullying is starting a bit now with his peer group so there are definite potential issues there.

Just a further angle

I disagree with your comment re Scotland and catchment only.

That will be very much area dependent.

I'm assuming you must be in a main city.

We are rural and basically so long as you are prepared to drive the, you will get a space.

You will not get transportation but will get a place. So are there any smaller schools outwith?

I would not differentiate between private and local authority for my children under any circumstances

In my local authority there is a better school almost the same distance from where we live. Hugely oversubscribed as it's a well known better school so yes we could apply for a non-catchment place but chances of getting it are slim to none based on people we know who have tried. Other than that it would need to be another local authority where chances are even less based on it being a different LA.

But try? It takes a few minutes to do the form. You won't lose anything. It won't go against you. Try every angle first.

DS is 9 so we're a few years away from secondary school. Yes I could wait until then but if he doesn't get in I have no other options available to me. It's a lot harder to get in at S1 for private schools here than P6 (current assessment)

@FantasticElasticBand

Yes I administer and score the ados or I complete the neuro history with parents/ carers, alongside analysing other info. Then both parts come together as part of a mdt to map against criteria. Usually it's psychology and speech and language. I'm fully trained and have been doing it 4 years. I know quite a few EPs that work for neurodevelopmental teams, so it's not that unusual.

3 years of overlap could be reduced to one by a state 6th form.

Alternatively, you could consider downsizing in four years time if that's the only way to afford it.

Also, if you can comfortably afford one set of fees, could you put aside money for the next few years to help carry you through the overlap years?

You don't need to send both to the same school. I wish my parents had sent my sister elsewhere, as did she. I was pulled out of private because they couldn't afford fees for two a full year before she would even have been starting and she didn't even want to go there. My education and chances were ruined because they never bothered to either ask her and because I was the wrong child.

If your son would benefit so much from private school and you can afford it then let him go,just don't cut off his chances because of an if or a maybe.

This is what the decision boiled down to. We either don't give DS (or DD) the opportunity incase we can't afford both or we give DS the opportunity and risk DD not going. Update - we accepted a place for DS (he was offered 2) and he has also since been diagnosed with dyslexia so we're comfortable we've made the right choice as he's going to a school with great dyslexia support. In a way that has made the decision a more binary one as we can explain that as the key factor in him going and we've said to DD that we'll make a decision based on her needs closer to the time.