Private to state change of heart.

[Hellohello23]

Hi everyone,
I have a little ‘problem’, and I know it is self inflicted and many would love to have such problems/choices.
My son has just started in year 7 at a private school. We have a high school near to us that is ‘fine’ and most kids go there and do well. I have loved this private school since forever and have basically dreamed of sending him there. He was very chilled about everything and said he didn’t mind where he went. A fresh start would be nice.

Financially we can afford it but he has younger siblings and I know I have to give them the option to also go private when the time comes. My husband and I decided that we would work harder, longer hours, and just go for it. We will have to watch our finances very carefully and not go on many (any) holidays etc etc. But we will survive. I was all for ‘sacrificing ourselves for the kids’ education’.
However, very recently, somebody close to us died. It’s had a really profound effect on me and I feel like I have had my eyes opened to how short life is, how precious family time is etc. I suddenly feel that I’ve made a huge mistake taking on such a financial commitment. I feel beyond anxious and sort of regret the choice I have made…
Son has blended in well at school and enjoys it.
Would I be bonkers to just move him to our local school (there is space) and apologise profusely to him? Explaining that we actually want to prioritise family time, and experiences….and basically ask for his forgiveness and hope that he’ll transition just as smoothly into the local school? He has only had a few weeks at the private school. He is settling well but sadly I am just feeling more and more unsettled about what this means for us long term. I can’t believe I didn’t really ‘see’ this way of thinking before, and now I feel trapped and like the school will think i’ve lost the plot if I pull him out at such an early stage…

Any opinions welcome. I literally can’t talk to anyone in the flesh as it feels so embarrassing and many can’t afford private education so would probably think I was being tone deaf.

This. All points rarely raises about some private schools.

Thing is if you cannot afford it the likely outcome will be a different education for DS and younger DC, which would be very unfair. So DS’s preferences now shouldn’t be a big factor, relative to other factors such as affordability, your and your H’s work options etc

We have basically done the maths for sending two at once. As due to agreeing that state 6th form will definitely be happing, we won’t have three in at once. But we will obviously have uni fees etc to consider once they are through 6th form. We factored in a rise. The school have literally just put their fees up from Jan 2024 by 8%. So receiving that letter was a bit of a shock. I know it shouldn’t have been really. But we are only getting one term at the fees we initially thought we’d have for a year. So again, that made me feel a bit panicky. It’s not that we can’t afford the rise….it was just a sense of feeling like I’ve climbed aboard a rollercoaster and I want to get off it but the ride has already begun 😂

My parents were told he was really clever, turned out we all were, just he was the oldest. They couldn't afford all 3 of in private. We did ok in school, my sister better than me. He had opportunities we did not, it wasn't fair.
We don't talk about it, it just makes me and my sister angry. It did initially affect my relationship with my parents when I worked it out, but it's fine now, we just joke about how he always was the favourite ( not now, he moved to Australia), I don't have a strong relationship with him, I do with my sister.
I now don't believe in selective education, I specifically moved to a non selective area so my kids wouldn't have to do the 11+.

@Hellohello23 you have to really commit to private schooling and if you are panicking already at 8% fee rise then what will happen next year when the fees go up again + school trips start to factor in?
For us the benefits outweigh the cost as we don't have good state options but honestly it sounds like you aren't fully comfortable with private so I would move him now and then you can relax. However the decision needs to be made and you will just have to write off the remaining fees. Better to move him now before he is settled and also before he has got used to the private school environment.

The difficulty is he’s started that would make me very reluctant to move…

Also I’m sure your lad is a good chap but a friends Dd is displaying some challenging teen behaviour and friend is terrified the school will ask her to leave as it’s private so that advantage of getting rid of difficult teens does have a flip side when your child the difficult one…

5 years secondary for three DC will probably cost hundreds of thousands, if Op can’t afford it or no longer wants the financial stress and impact DS already being there isn’t enough reason to spend that much money.

@Hellohello23 I think prioritising memories and family time is super important. I say this from the perspective of someone who cant afford private without a HUGE number of sacrifices so it's been off our radar, but still.... When I think about the other things we can do as a result it definitely feels OK.

The other thing I would remember is that you and your husband are in decent jobs, have a decent education yourselves. Your children will learn so much from you and will already have a "network" when it comes to entering the world of work because of where you both work. Schools and university is not the be all and end all - its way more important to raise happy, healthy, well-rounded kids who are adapatable and confident.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts. I have had many chats with my husband over the weekend. We are thinking we’ll start the process of moving him, as I have lost all sense of peace, and I just know I cannot keep going in life ‘hoping’ it’ll be ok, and that maybe a sibling won’t want to go to the same school. I am in disbelief at myself in all honesty. Never thought I would disrupt my child like this. I have spoken to my son about the possibility of moving him. He said he felt a mixture of excitement and disappointment, and then promptly moved on to some activity he was doing…seemingly unfazed. I just hope the excitement carries him through, and we can get through this awkward transition unscathed.

I’m glad to hear that your son doesn’t appear too fazed, but I’d think very carefully about moving him if he’s settled in the school.

as for the younger kids, you don’t need to put them private. As long as you are clear about the reasons why.

and also be careful of making rash decisions after a bereavement

Children need to be self motivated though. And to cope in the real world with real people. I think it's very unfair to assume that the teachers at private school would be better that isn't the case at all.
I know someone who has taught in both the state and private sector and they said the teachers in the state sector were better qualified and much better teachers.
But you have to do what is best for your child if he has settled at the private school it may me difficult for him to adjust. And if you do move him you have to be 100% sure he will settle as you won't be able to move him again

I now don't believe in selective education, I specifically moved to a non selective area so my kids wouldn't have to do the 11+.

Petrarkanian if you don’t believe in selective education then presumably you should be grateful that your parents sent you to a non selective school.

I’d definitely move him in your circumstances.

I may be selfish but I honestly don’t understand why anyone other than the super-wealthy would send their children to private school. We could have afforded it (assuming we both keep our jobs) but I am just not willing to work until my 70s, sacrifice holidays and fun times etc for my child to go to a better school. I’d be constantly anxious about losing my job, and feel very trapped.

Assuming state options are safe and not terrible, take them. I went to a totally average (slightly below average even) state school and got an excellent degree and now have a great job. I worked hard. At some point your kids have to learn the lesson that to do well, they need to work hard and motivate themselves so they may as well learn that now. Your money cannot buy them success. And your son sounds from what you say like he has a positive attitude and won’t be too alarmed by a move at this stage. It’s still really early days and I’m sure he’ll settle in fine if he moves now.

Thank you all. Sadly I can’t be 100% sure he will settle in the new school. If I knew that, it would be an easy decision. But I suppose I can only go on what I know and how I feel. Hence it being a very stressful decision.
If we do actually get the wheels in motion and do the switch, I will let you know how it all pans out.

I think moving him will be fine. It's very early days. Friendship groups won't be established yet and you'll take a load of pressure off yourself.

Slightly different scenario but I know of a couple of year 7 children who have changed schools last week because they've just been offered places in grammar schools. It's upheaval but not the end of the world.

Good luck with your decision.

Move him! It will be hard but the school year has barely started. Talk him through it, support him, and it'll be fine.

@Hellohello23 as I said earlier if you are going to move him do it now. The transition to secondary is tough and they are just starting to settle. I don't think it would be fair to wait until after half term. It depends on each child but I know DD wouldn't cope with a change of school now, she is finding friendship groups and has just started to find her feet.

I’ve been reading this with interest. I have made the decision after a lot of thought to state educate my 2, my eldest is a little younger than yours.

Reasons being, we could afford it but only with relentless overtime and cutting back on holidays / kids activities (not particularly frivolous even now). I have also seen at least 4 of my colleagues and friends work themselves to the bone to provide a private education for their children, and still have enormous worry about how to pay the fees with fee rises / mortgage increases each year. In 3 of the cases they are openly regretful of their choices but feel tied in as they’re approaching the exam years and have multiple kids there. The other family are privately educated parents who will not entertain the idea of state at all but are clearly under enormous financial pressure (don’t want to put details here)

I wonder if it’s the unknown of state education that’s the issue? This isn’t designed to be a comparison of both but just that everyone will have their own perspectives of what’s important. I’m clearly biased towards state as that’s all I know and our local schools are ok, probably not as good as private but I’ve figured I can always top up with tuition if needed. Like you I’ve had a recent sudden bereavement and it really focuses for me how very little time we have.
Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble. I’m not sure how helpful it is!