Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Education

Join the discussion on our Education forum.

Original poster

Private to state change of heart.

68 replies

Hellohello23 · 20/09/2023 18:20

Hi everyone,
I have a little ‘problem’, and I know it is self inflicted and many would love to have such problems/choices.
My son has just started in year 7 at a private school. We have a high school near to us that is ‘fine’ and most kids go there and do well. I have loved this private school since forever and have basically dreamed of sending him there. He was very chilled about everything and said he didn’t mind where he went. A fresh start would be nice.

Financially we can afford it but he has younger siblings and I know I have to give them the option to also go private when the time comes. My husband and I decided that we would work harder, longer hours, and just go for it. We will have to watch our finances very carefully and not go on many (any) holidays etc etc. But we will survive. I was all for ‘sacrificing ourselves for the kids’ education’.
However, very recently, somebody close to us died. It’s had a really profound effect on me and I feel like I have had my eyes opened to how short life is, how precious family time is etc. I suddenly feel that I’ve made a huge mistake taking on such a financial commitment. I feel beyond anxious and sort of regret the choice I have made…
Son has blended in well at school and enjoys it.
Would I be bonkers to just move him to our local school (there is space) and apologise profusely to him? Explaining that we actually want to prioritise family time, and experiences….and basically ask for his forgiveness and hope that he’ll transition just as smoothly into the local school? He has only had a few weeks at the private school. He is settling well but sadly I am just feeling more and more unsettled about what this means for us long term. I can’t believe I didn’t really ‘see’ this way of thinking before, and now I feel trapped and like the school will think i’ve lost the plot if I pull him out at such an early stage…

Any opinions welcome. I literally can’t talk to anyone in the flesh as it feels so embarrassing and many can’t afford private education so would probably think I was being tone deaf.

OP posts:
Heatherbell1978 · 20/09/2023 21:51

I think you need time to think this through. The last thing you want is to make a heat in the moment decision which you'll then regret again later. If you move him back to state you can't really change your mind again!
Really think about whether 'fine' is ok for you state-school wise. Our local state school is 'fine' 'average' etc but we're planning for DS to go private next year (P6). Yes he'll probably do ok at the local school but I want a bit more for him and happy to make the compromises to do that.

Dabralor · 20/09/2023 21:53

I'd go with your gut instinct and move him now, while it's still early.

Either way you will regret:

  1. Not spending six years at a posh school
  2. Not spending precious time together as a family and appreciating memories

I think i'd rather regret 1, personally.

Best of luck with the decisions and sorry for your loss 💐

Original poster
Hellohello23 · 20/09/2023 21:59

Heatherbell1978 · 20/09/2023 21:51

I think you need time to think this through. The last thing you want is to make a heat in the moment decision which you'll then regret again later. If you move him back to state you can't really change your mind again!
Really think about whether 'fine' is ok for you state-school wise. Our local state school is 'fine' 'average' etc but we're planning for DS to go private next year (P6). Yes he'll probably do ok at the local school but I want a bit more for him and happy to make the compromises to do that.

Yes that would be horrendous if I moved him to state and then thought ‘oh noooo!’. Then I’d be paying for a term at private while being unhappy with state. Oh dear 😵‍💫 Well my husband is thankfully being a saint and talking it through with me. Thank you all for your thoughts. It has really helped!

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 20/09/2023 22:09

Also depends what the state option is like?

Original poster
Hellohello23 · 20/09/2023 22:18

TheaBrandt · 20/09/2023 22:09

Also depends what the state option is like?

It does pretty well all in all. Considering it takes all abilities etc. It’s just a case of if your child is driven and works hard, is in top sets, they will no doubt do well. If a child is lazy, has disinterested parents, they will most likely fall behind. So as with many state high schools, some go onto Oxbridge…others go on to not very much at all. It’s a bit luck of the draw. I suppose I just wanted guaranteed good teaching, and guaranteed half decent behaviour…and I do have that, in the private school option…..

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 20/09/2023 22:27

I guess the worry is if the eldest goes you are committed to having to send younger siblings too? Could you square it with them that they will not be going?
its a tricky one.

Also have clocked recently how short life is and agree years of penny pinching and shit holidays throughout their childhoods is not appealing. There would need to be a pretty significant differentiation in the private option to justify that. Fine if you can afford it anyway without sacrifice but if not it needs to be really worth it. We chose the go state and have a life option but the state was a decent all girls high results school so was no brainer.

Neighneigh · 20/09/2023 22:30

This is, you actually aren't guaranteed good/better teaching and or behaviour in private schools. In fact private quite often overlook poor behaviour because they need the fee income...

I'd take a really good look at the alternative school. What GCSEs do they offer? What sports do they play (if yours likes any) and what's their ethos? For context, my DS is the first in my family to go to a state school, and we chose against private partly because it would have stretched us financially (also have younger siblings; plus we're in a good routine with my career reforming after a few years out as sahm) but also because we have one local-ish state secondary which is turning out to be perfect for us. We went for an out of catchment one with GCSE options that suited our son; that he had options such as DofE to take up; academic results are better than our catchment school and ethos of the head teacher is excellent. It's not draconian like others near us and the kids respect that if they're told off, they need to pay attention.

My dh went to boarding school for ten years and always had a nagging sense of guilt that his parents never had any money (he didn't know at the time that it was paid for by inheritance, not a position we're in!).

Tbh you're two weeks in. You're not committed, you can make a decision but you need to be sure of where he's going, if you move.

Original poster
Hellohello23 · 20/09/2023 22:35

TheaBrandt · 20/09/2023 22:27

I guess the worry is if the eldest goes you are committed to having to send younger siblings too? Could you square it with them that they will not be going?
its a tricky one.

Also have clocked recently how short life is and agree years of penny pinching and shit holidays throughout their childhoods is not appealing. There would need to be a pretty significant differentiation in the private option to justify that. Fine if you can afford it anyway without sacrifice but if not it needs to be really worth it. We chose the go state and have a life option but the state was a decent all girls high results school so was no brainer.

I could easily square it with the younger siblings now…they say they want to go to the local high school with their friends, when the time comes. But they would say that, as they don’t understand the reasons really. My concern is that one day they will understand and will just automatically feel ‘less’, even if I fully explain and insist that we honestly love them just as much 🤪
Many people think the the state school is a good option. I know people who could definitely afford private and have put their children through it. They chose some epic holidays instead and bought property 🤪
I also know people running a mile from it, who I would not expect to be making that decision. It is a real mixed bag. So I suppose that’s the risk.

OP posts:
Meadowfly · 20/09/2023 22:37

I think it would be very unkind to move your son from a school you have prepared him for, that he is enjoying for what will seem to him to be rather vague reasons. Especially in the throes of grief, will you really spend more time with him if he leaves?

Petrarkanian · 20/09/2023 22:39

I think you have to send all of them, if you send one. My brother was sent private, me and my sister went to the local school. It was unfair then and unfair now.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 20/09/2023 22:48

You either vomit to all kids going private or none, you can’t just send one. Some kids at the private I work in have siblings in state, I do wonder why they made that decision. It isn’t due to lack of space either.

Clymene · 20/09/2023 23:02

You have to be able to pay for all of them and give them all the same opportunities. If you can't, don't.

Also to be honest, I don't know why mn has such an obsession with private schools. My child is at state school and got similar GCSE results to my friends who have paid ££ for private. If you can easily afford it, then great. If you're having to sacrifice life experiences, it's really pissing cash up the wall.

Yolo12345 · 20/09/2023 23:17

I personal feel that private schools are somewhat overrated. I went to an ordinary state in a rather rural location. A mixed bag of kids and backgrounds. Some kids did leave at 16 but most went on to further education and have done really well. What is great is that we all now know a plethora of peers from all walks of life - this is something extremely valuable in society.

Original poster
Hellohello23 · 21/09/2023 00:27

My obsession with private schools basically stems from going to one myself, and family attitude towards school. I loved my experience, and basically want that for my kids. However, I also had an amazing family life and very present parents. I suppose I am fearful of not providing what I had…and very fearful of messing my kids up somehow! So this sudden dilemma is a bit alarming. I think I’ll just have to make a decision over the next 24hours and stick with it. 🙂

OP posts:
Frodedendron · 21/09/2023 00:36

I disagree with the above posters, I think the least worst option is to send the younger siblings to state. Still not a great option, but I'd be honest when they're old enough - that you realised you had overstretched yourself. You could mitigate it somewhat by putting in tuition, letting them pursue pricier hobbies etc and actually going on some of the holidays you'd forgoe otherwise.

Pulling your son out and leading a life where you sacrifice family life at the private school alter are worse choices for me.

Original poster
Hellohello23 · 21/09/2023 00:57

Frodedendron · 21/09/2023 00:36

I disagree with the above posters, I think the least worst option is to send the younger siblings to state. Still not a great option, but I'd be honest when they're old enough - that you realised you had overstretched yourself. You could mitigate it somewhat by putting in tuition, letting them pursue pricier hobbies etc and actually going on some of the holidays you'd forgoe otherwise.

Pulling your son out and leading a life where you sacrifice family life at the private school alter are worse choices for me.

On the argument side for sending him to the local state - he is very familiar with this school. He has been in it, and knows people there already. Not his bestest of friends, but it wouldn’t feel totally alien to him. What I cannot ‘undo’ now, is the fact that he has witnessed and enjoyed a lovely school for a short time, and this one might not quite match up. But it’s whether that would really bother him in the long run…or if I’m just feeling like it’s a bigger deal than it is 🤔 Maybe I should just be open with him soon and see how he would feel ‘if’ we decide that a move is necessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellohello23 · 21/09/2023 01:03

Petrarkanian · 20/09/2023 22:39

I think you have to send all of them, if you send one. My brother was sent private, me and my sister went to the local school. It was unfair then and unfair now.

Were you ever given an honest/caring explanation as to why? I know someone who had this too, but isn’t bothered that her brother went private and she didn’t. I suppose everyone is different. But, I don’t like the idea of hoping the siblings don’t feel left out and constantly feeling like I have to make it up to them.

OP posts:
StrawberriesSW1 · 21/09/2023 01:04

Absolutely move him. Explain to him why. Plan a nice holiday for the year and the next. Give them lots of nice memories together as a family.

Clymene · 21/09/2023 06:36

I can't speak for that poster but it happened to one of my friends. The reason was that girls don't need money spent on their education.

LolaSmiles · 21/09/2023 06:48

Make the decisions about your son independent from his siblings. Schools can change a lot in a few years and you can easily deal with it by having a discussion with each child when they move to secondary about having the right environment for them.

If you've had a big life event then that's probably not the right time to be making large decisions. Personally I'd see how he goes at his current school and review later in the term before deciding.

Heatherbell1978 · 21/09/2023 06:56

Clymene · 20/09/2023 23:02

You have to be able to pay for all of them and give them all the same opportunities. If you can't, don't.

Also to be honest, I don't know why mn has such an obsession with private schools. My child is at state school and got similar GCSE results to my friends who have paid ££ for private. If you can easily afford it, then great. If you're having to sacrifice life experiences, it's really pissing cash up the wall.

The 'why do people choose private when my child got great results at state' comes up in every private school thread. Not everyone has a amazing leafy state school as an option. And many parents choose to sacrifice to give their kids the best they can education-wise. If your local state school is great, then yes send them there.

Yourebeingtooloud · 21/09/2023 07:04

itsmyp4rty · 20/09/2023 19:19

Instead of telling him you're sorry but you're moving him why don't you just talk to him about it? Tell him the compromise you're all going to have to make for him and siblings to go to private school and does he think it would be better to have more time as a family - but it would mean him moving to state.

See what he feels and go with that.

Utterly unfair to put that level of responsibility and decision making about the whole family’s happiness on an 11 year old. Stuff like this is one of the reasons so many children have mental health problems nowadays. This isn’t good parenting.

TheaBrandt · 21/09/2023 07:32

To be fair Heather op has not been negative about the state. Personally I would need quite significant “push” factors away from state such as unhappy child or disrupted lessons as well as the pull factors.

You say siblings - 3 through private is a massive financial commitment. We are decent earners but balked at cost of 2 as state option was good. Different it it hadn’t been.

Original poster
Hellohello23 · 21/09/2023 07:59

TheaBrandt · 21/09/2023 07:32

To be fair Heather op has not been negative about the state. Personally I would need quite significant “push” factors away from state such as unhappy child or disrupted lessons as well as the pull factors.

You say siblings - 3 through private is a massive financial commitment. We are decent earners but balked at cost of 2 as state option was good. Different it it hadn’t been.

Thanks. Yes the state high does very well with what it has. It’s just natural that it will have more disruptive pupils on occasion and perhaps more worn out staff and less resources. It is a big school, so I didn’t want my son to get lost in it and un noticed, and then have to move him because I felt it wasn’t ‘good enough’….I thought that would be too disruptive. Very ironic really. I am so annoyed with myself. I won’t put it on him to decide or make some sort of judgement about our life as a family. Maybe I will just tell him the facts, and if I sense he is reluctant to move, then I will do my best to calm down and keep him there.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 21/09/2023 08:38

would re do the sums and add 5% annual inflation on fees and other costs. It sounds like you have 3 DC so it may not be affordable, in which case, though not great on your part, it’s likely to be best to move DS.