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Education

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Original poster

Private to state change of heart.

68 replies

Hellohello23 · 20/09/2023 18:20

Hi everyone,
I have a little ‘problem’, and I know it is self inflicted and many would love to have such problems/choices.
My son has just started in year 7 at a private school. We have a high school near to us that is ‘fine’ and most kids go there and do well. I have loved this private school since forever and have basically dreamed of sending him there. He was very chilled about everything and said he didn’t mind where he went. A fresh start would be nice.

Financially we can afford it but he has younger siblings and I know I have to give them the option to also go private when the time comes. My husband and I decided that we would work harder, longer hours, and just go for it. We will have to watch our finances very carefully and not go on many (any) holidays etc etc. But we will survive. I was all for ‘sacrificing ourselves for the kids’ education’.
However, very recently, somebody close to us died. It’s had a really profound effect on me and I feel like I have had my eyes opened to how short life is, how precious family time is etc. I suddenly feel that I’ve made a huge mistake taking on such a financial commitment. I feel beyond anxious and sort of regret the choice I have made…
Son has blended in well at school and enjoys it.
Would I be bonkers to just move him to our local school (there is space) and apologise profusely to him? Explaining that we actually want to prioritise family time, and experiences….and basically ask for his forgiveness and hope that he’ll transition just as smoothly into the local school? He has only had a few weeks at the private school. He is settling well but sadly I am just feeling more and more unsettled about what this means for us long term. I can’t believe I didn’t really ‘see’ this way of thinking before, and now I feel trapped and like the school will think i’ve lost the plot if I pull him out at such an early stage…

Any opinions welcome. I literally can’t talk to anyone in the flesh as it feels so embarrassing and many can’t afford private education so would probably think I was being tone deaf.

OP posts:

Tribevibes · 20/09/2023 18:22

Honestly? No I would own my decision and keep him there. He is feeling settled too 🤦‍♀️. You could really destabilise him moving him now. I think you should suck it up now.

Original poster

Hellohello23 · 20/09/2023 18:27

Thank you for that it’s just good to sound it out without anyone knowing how I’m feelingx😵‍💫

OP posts:

Toomanygreenbeans · 20/09/2023 18:28

I moved my son to private from a ‘fine’ state school - it was highly regarded and it seemed a no brainer - it really wasn’t , it was not fine !

Think very carefully before you consider moving him . Let your own grief settle and take some time and talk to people in real life . I am sorry for your loss .

Tribevibes · 20/09/2023 18:36

Maybe give it half a term and see how you feel. Hope you manage to sort it.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 20/09/2023 18:40

I wouldn't make any big decisions so soon after loosing someone. Sorry for your loss.

Bennyscat · 20/09/2023 18:52

I see it differently, we struggled financially to send DS to a well known boys school thinking that we were giving him the opportunity of a lifetime. Despite the extortionat fees it offered very little in the end other than it's name. They clearly prioritized the needs of very wealthy families.....

We felt trapped until after his GCSES, I was so worried about moving him. Looking back I don't know what I was thinking, I wish I had bitten the bullet earlier.He has excelled in his state 6th form and I am so glad to be away from all that his previous school involved. His teachers are on another level and I love the meritocracy at his current school.

I wish I had seen sense in the early days. Good luck with your decision. I am sorry for your loss.x

Justlikeme234 · 20/09/2023 19:05

I moved from private to state and enjoyed state more. I started year 7 in 2011. My parents were in a similar financial situation to you, they could just about put us through the school but had to make some sacrifices.

This meant we were actually considered the poor kids or 'povos' of the school and we got bullied for it. We did not go on the expensive holidays, have designer clothes or the newest tech every year. The 'popular' girl of my year was the granddaughter of the founder of a UK supermarket chain, another was the niece of a VERY famous household name.

My brother and I were singled out and unfortunately there was nothing that could be done. My brother was beaten up multiple times and I remember hearing stories about him hiding in the toilets from other kids whilst they poured water on him over the stalls. The parents of the kids doing the bullying were benefactors of the school, so the school did nothing.

Remember that private school may open some doors, but the parents of private school children also have huge amounts of social capital to further their children. You cannot equate all of private school children's success to their education alone. Read studies on the benefits of private schooling over state schooling and look at exam results of both schools. You may find they're quite similar.

I moved to an incredible state school and had the best school years I could have dreamt of.
My opinion? Send him to the state school asap before everyone has settled into strong friendship groups and preserve your quality of life.
Yes he MAY get a better education, but you will also be out of pocket, have a lower quality of life (holidays), have to work harder and watch your money more.

Your children will thank you for the additional holidays and less-stressed parents. Good luck in your decision and I wish your son all the success in the world!

50lessfat · 20/09/2023 19:07

Year 7 is fine to move him do it now or not at all.

PerfectMatch · 20/09/2023 19:10

I would move him. It sounds like affording private school for all your kids will be financially very difficult for you. Moving him now, before all the kids have settled into friendship groups, would be the least disruptive way to change your mind. Otherwise you're locked into this for years!

twistyizzy · 20/09/2023 19:12

As someone who has a DD in Yr 7 private school I think you have to make the change now or suck it up and commit to it long term.
We saved up during state primary so have 3 years of fees in the bank. This way we aren't missing out on family holidays/trips out etc but that waw because we had planned on private secondary from Yr 3 of primary school.
If you want to change him then do it ASAP before friendship groups have emerged.

itsmyp4rty · 20/09/2023 19:19

Instead of telling him you're sorry but you're moving him why don't you just talk to him about it? Tell him the compromise you're all going to have to make for him and siblings to go to private school and does he think it would be better to have more time as a family - but it would mean him moving to state.

See what he feels and go with that.

3luckystars · 20/09/2023 19:22

I would leave him there if he is happy. Don’t move him now.

Start doing the lottery and hope for the best for the others.

GoodStuffAnnie · 20/09/2023 19:56

Just move him. Right now. No child wants their parent stressed. They just don’t.

dont over apologise either. Use it as a learning point. We made a mistake. We all make mistakes.

he won’t remember come Easter.

Also friendships are all over the place in y7 and settle in y8.

Teentaxidriver · 20/09/2023 19:59

Contractually you will be on the hook for the fees. You need to look at the school’s T&cs/ speak to the bursar.

theduchessofspork · 20/09/2023 20:02

No, you made your decision and he’s settled. You can move him for 6th form. Be an adult and own your decision.

You could perhaps keep the other kids in the state sector if they’re equally chilled, and give them the option of going for 6th form, so it’s (sort of) even.

Streuthbruce · 20/09/2023 20:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Stokey · 20/09/2023 20:12

It's only a couple of weeks into Y7 so I wouldn't feel bad about moving him, although you'll won't get the fees back. People are still in the settling in stage so it's better to move him now.

I totally agree with the quality family time. Both DH and I went to boarding schools and we could have afforded private at a stretch but decided to stick to state. I work 3 days a week and we have a great quality of life. Haven't needed to tutor yet but the money is there for it if we need to.

Labtastic · 20/09/2023 20:17

Teentaxidriver · 20/09/2023 19:59

Contractually you will be on the hook for the fees. You need to look at the school’s T&cs/ speak to the bursar.

Certainly for this term, but also quite possibly for next term too, as you have to give a full term's notice usually - so last day of summer holidays to not have to pay for the spring term.

Clymene · 20/09/2023 20:19

You will have to pay until Christmas anyway won't you?

Georgiepud · 20/09/2023 20:20

Would you not have to give a full term's notice, so you will have to pay for next term too?
If he already has a good friendship circle I wouldn't remove him because often that is what becomes almost as important as family later.

Iguanas369 · 20/09/2023 20:29

You can't mess your child around (and mess the schools around too) just because of your indecisiveness. If your kid is unhappy and wants to move then fine, if not, then you shouldn't move him. Make time for family in other ways, go on budget holidays, do free activities, whatever it takes.

Original poster

Hellohello23 · 20/09/2023 21:08

Thank you so much everybody for replying ❤️ I will definitely be giving it some serious thought. Yes I have checked the contract so I know where I stand fees wise. I am more surprised at myself feeling this way to be honest. I thought I would be living on cloud 9 knowing he was there! So I am having to take a long hard look in the mirror and work out why I have flipped my opinion quite so drastically. It may well be grief related, and I have to remind myself of my view prior to this happening.
We do have savings, so we have ‘banked up’ some reserves for this, and the ‘plan’ has always been to do this for 5 years for each child. They will then attend a very good local state 6th form. Many children from this private school head there if they want to bow out, and it’s considered pretty normal to do that.
I did it to give him a quality start to high school and to give him the best options as a sort of ‘boost’. The school is highly regarded and does very well for GCSE’s. It is not in the boarding school type league (Eton etc), so I am under no illusion that he is going to make life long important connections or get some sort of ‘status’. I just wanted a school where the teachers cared a bit more, the behaviour was decent and they would set high standard of work. He tends to get a little lead by his environment… I have found primary ‘fine’ but always felt that I had to give him extra work and micromanage him a bit. I got exhausted with that and I suppose the private school just looked so enticing with its facilities and fancy promises to ‘bring out the best in your little darling’ 🤪🤣
I fell for it, so I only have myself to blame.
Thank you all for being so kind xx

OP posts:

sleepyscientist · 20/09/2023 21:33

Honestly I would discuss it with him and if he wants to stay leave him where he is and don't send the siblings.

Original poster

Hellohello23 · 20/09/2023 21:43

Would that not be considered a bad parenting move though? I mean I could sell it as ‘we feel the local school is the best fit for you’ to the younger siblings…. They’d probably totally believe me as well 😂 Until they reach late teens/early adults and question what I was thinking 🤔 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Hellohello23 · 20/09/2023 21:46

Yes I will have to cough up the fees for this term and next. So technically he could stay all that time…but I wouldn’t make him stay two terms and then move him. I suppose it’s either now or never….or possibly just never, if I take heed from some of the answers on here 🤔

OP posts:

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