Panicking about future - please help

[Badtime911]

Please don’t flame me, I feel awful enough as it is and have been up all night worrying. Our situation is this - DH and I been fortunate enough to have significant help with our children’s private education from my parents.

We have three daughters - two in year 12 and 9, and one in year 7. They have all been at the same excellent academic independent school since they were seven and are all incredibly happy. I am so grateful to my parents for the help. Eldest just got all 9s and 8s at GCSE and is two weeks into A-levels.

Here’s the problem. Earlier this week parents dropped a bombshell and told me that essentially, they don’t have enough money to keep paying the fees going forward- there are complex reasons for this and it is what it is.

DH and I are now in a very difficult position, as we cannot manage these fees ourselves. We have discussed with the bursar’s office and while they have offered some helpful advice and thoughts, there is little they can ultimately do. Until A-level stage our local state schools are oversubscribed and struggling - and the message I am getting from everywhere is to do everything possible to keep our younger two in the same private school until post GCSE.

We can just about scrape through the next few years, but this will mean - after helping kids through uni - we would be left with NO savings/retirement whatsoever. DH and I late 40s and our income is unlikely to increase much over the next 15 years. Obviously our costs will go down a somewhat once the kids are out in the world, but the long term outlook is a bit alarming.

So my question is this - while my younger two daughters will certainly go to state school for their A-levels, eldest DD is already underway with sixth form in private. She HAS said in passing that she would have been fine to go somewhere different for A-levels, but we stupidly didn’t look into it (because we didn’t think we’d have to!) Obviously, if we pulled her out right now it would help somewhat with the future financial car crash we are facing (we’d be saving about 40k over the next two years)…but is this just too disruptive, particularly given she is so academic and happy where she is - not to mention the fact we already 2 weeks into year 12 already. She’s a robust person, but this would be a total shock for her.

I feel like such an idiot. Sorry this is so long 😞

I teach in a state secondary school with a 6th form. There's lots of movement between us, local private school and the local 6th form College up to half term and then the odd change throughout the year. Students decide to study closer to home, change courses, move house etc.
Moving the yr 12 would be fine to do now.

Whether you move the younger 2 is obviously your choice but they are also
at an age when you can move them to state with minimal fuss. Look at option locally and apply, at least see what is available. My kids go to my state school, my older ds got 8s and 9s at GCSE and went on to study the IB, all in state school/college. The school I teach at is RI, according to Ofsted spending 2 days there

That was for Ofsted not you op

I’ve worked in secondary schools and sixth forms and agree with PP - there is a lot of movement in 6th form. Tbh id move y7 and y12 child but do everything in my power to keep y9 child where she is (unless you’re in an area with middle schools and a y9 high school transition). Y9 is hard and often beginning gcse curriculum so movement wouldn’t be easy

This sounds really tough OP. My kids are in state primary but I'm planning to move them private for secondary so I'm knee deep in the financial planning and understand the pension compromise (we're 45).
It makes more sense to me to keep the oldest where she is and focus on moving the younger ones but on the flip side she's already got good GCSEs and a sound base for doing A levels so perhaps moving her wouldn't be too bad.

Don't want to patronise but when you've crunched the money are you absolutely sure you've looked at everything? I say that because on the private school fee boards there's often people saying 'we earn £200k but can't afford fees' when in reality it's the lifestyle choices that's impacting affordability.

And do you have a pension pot now? If you stop contributing it would still grow or are the next 15 years contributions crucial?

I'd move Y7 as long term that will save you loads and it's so early in the year she'll settle fine.
If Y12 is up for it then move her but it could be really unsettling for the sake of 2 years.
Y9 you could move to start GCSEs too, give you chance to get more information.

I'd move them all.

Fairly standard practice to move to a college for A levels. Find a good one and move her immediately. She will be fine.

OP, don't make decisions without researching educational grants from non-school sources. There are a number of charities/funders that have money specifically to support keeping children in education where their family's situation has changed, and you sound like you might very well fall into that group. Typically they offer support to allow a child to complete the phase of education they are in, with priority given to exam years. So you might actually find you can get support for the older two (especially the eldest). I'm sure this would be thoroughly means tested though so think hard about what you are willing and able to put in.

In terms of long-term savings, do you have some pension savings that are inaccessible, or is everything in ISAs and similar? What you already have saved as pensions can't be accessed for school/university fees so will still be there when your children have completed their education. Is there any likely future inheritance from your in-laws that might potentially help when you want to retire? Not something you want to rely on I agree but none of these decisions are black and white.

Good luck finding a reasonable way forward that works for you all.

She’s a couple of weeks in. I’d pull her out. Kids can excel in state schools if they’re that bright (my own son is an example).

You need to put money aside for retirement and over 90% of the population go to state schools after all.

I’d also move them all. Bright kids do well anywhere and it sounds like you really can’t afford for them to stay on. Don’t forget uni costs , paying for three or even two will cost you an arm and a leg

Won't they have paid until Christmas for her? If you pulled her right now can the bursar waive this term and put the payment towards the year 9?

I'd be very wary of destroying your pension and retirement for the sake of private school. Not every kid that goes to private school ends up a captain of industry. I know my parents regret the scrimping they had to do to pay for my brother's education given how he now chooses to spend his time.

I'd move all three right away. It's fair. It would inevitably sow discord between the three otherwise and they can support each other with the transition.

None of them are in an exam year and given their ages, that opportunity won't recur. The longer you dither the worse this will get.

You cannot bankrupt your retirement for this reason and the girls won't thank you for that when they're needing support with housing, uni and families of their own.

There's some good evidence that the teaching at state 6th forms better prepares students for university study and if she's bright, she will do well anywhere.

Is there are way you can negotiate to put the fees you have paid this term towards her sisters' fees?

i wouldn’t gamble with your security. Move them to state & spend some money on tutors if necessary.

Dd in year 12 could move- get on the phone today to local 6th forms and see if they can offer places on the same A levels. You could compromise with budgeting for tutoring for her in any subject she might struggle with - which will be a lot cheaper.

the year 7 child Id also think about moving - the good news is there’s often a lot of movement in even over subscribed state secondary schools in the first term of year 7, and you will be put on waiting lists based on your distance from the school (or whatever criteria they have), not when you joined the list.

The year 9 dc is the one I’d help keep there, it will be tricky to slot in to state at that point. But not impossible, if a place comes up in a a good state school and the gcse options match, then move, but there might not be the same options as already picked. (I assume you’ve already picked in private) if you can move the year 9, the year 7 dc will be on the waiting list higher as a sibling than just distance.

hit the phones today to see what options there are at state schools /colleges. Your only option isn’t your parents pushing you into poverty in your old age. They might not be able to help what’s happened, but it’s really bad you’ve got this to face.

Moving children from private to state school is not taking them out of education @Pythonesque

OP I'd move them all. As a pp said there's loads of movement in year 12 and the younger two aren't in exam years.

You cannot afford to keep them in private education. I'm sure they would prefer you not to live in poverty in retirement. That is not a sacrifice worth making.

Oh and I work in a faith /state secondary school (don’t work today!) we had a year 7 start yesterday and have got a couple of students joining year 12 next week. Last year we lost some in year 12 at October half term when they decided they didn’t want to do A levels and moved to vocational courses at the local college.

we might get another in year 7 next week.

movement in September is very normal.

dry your eyes and start calling. Once you’ve got your options, it will look less scary.

I'd move the Y7 and Y12 asap. If the private school will allow you to transfer their 1st term fees over to the Y9 that would be great, but I'd prioritise getting them into new schools/colleges now over "getting that term's money's worth".

The Y9 I would move for start of Y10.

Pensions, driving lessons, University help, house deposits, safety nets - don't compromise them all for the sake of private school.

Apply for state places for all 3.
It could be worse, they are all at decent ages for a move. I think all of them moving sounds sensible.
Glad your eldest got all 8s and 9s. This happens in state schools also!

The Y12 is the easiest to move, and if she's going to move at all, NOW is the time. It's going to be a shock when you tell her, but it sounds as if she wouldn't have been averse to the idea with more notice, and she's had the benefit of five years of private already, so in some sense she's been luckier than the younger ones.

Start to look at what's available for the younger ones. You might at least get them on the waitlists for the most likely options. Moving school in year 7/9 is not too disruptive.

You need to talk with the current school about notice periods. It's often a full term's notice, so you might already be committed to next term's fees. Are they willing to waive that, or come to some arrangement?
It's a really tricky one, because if you're offered a waitlist place for one of the younger ones, you'll have to take it up immediately, which feels like wasting up to two terms of fees - but on the other hand, it will remove the costs after that. You could give notice for them to leave at the end of this year, but then what happens if you can't get a place at a school you're happy with?

I’d move them all too. Year 7 and 12 are in the very early stages, so it won’t be so much of an upheaval. Year 9 needs to move before option choices too. You’ll then have some financial leeway and will be able to fund tutors if necessary. No point in bankrupting yourselves and having no financial cushion.

I feel for you OP, a sudden change in circumstances is really tough all round. It seems unfortunate your parents didn’t mention this before the new school year! I think if you can move the younger asap they will have plenty of time to settle, I think BUT this is dependent on actually getting places.

our local situation is that when something similar happened to a child in ds2’s class, his parents were only offered schools across the city because all the local ones are full. This was primary level. They didn’t move instantly but waited until they got a place relatively locally.

I’m pretty anxious about managing fees long term, mainly in case they spiral upwards!

sending hugs to you and the family

You’ll have to move them op. It’s crazy to put yourself in such a precarious position to keep them on at the school. Private schooling is only
going to get more expensive. Leaving yourself with zero savings and no retirement plan is madness.

Loads of 6th formers travel to get to school.

year 7 get on the waiting list. Year 9 is a better time to move than 10 or 11.

Dont end up being another parents who hasn’t planed finances properly. You will be able to help them with tutors. Or summer camps. Or other enrichment. And when they are older they will not have to worry about you being skint.

I would wonder what on earth was going on with the grandparents. Why cause all this chaos? How can you suddenly change from paying school fees for three grandchildren to paying nothing? Clearly they have financial issues and have decided to try and hide it until now. Very sad and I would be angry at the immediate distress this will cause the children by losing friends and their feeling of well-being .

Im in broad agreement with others. 6th form DD must find another one. So do nothing else but get her sorted out with 6th form options and make a choice so she can see a way forward. Y9, if not started options, move too. Even if she has started options, still move. She’s a week in. Definitely move younger DC. They might be going to different schools but you might have little choice.

Lastly, ask DH to help. Try and not work on Monday so you can tackle this together. I would be wary about using all your savings and it’s sad more years have been paid for older DC than younger one.

Im assuming grandparents haven’t paid fees for this term. Bursaries are not forthcoming so school are not interested in keeping this family. Makes me wonder if grandparents have been late paying in the past?