School Absence

[Vixentor]

Need advice please.
Personally, it is extremely hard to even talk about our issue, but here goes....
Our daughter has experienced an awful lot in a few years, including losing both her Godparents, her Daddy's struggle with PTSD and anxiety, being subjected to repugnant racism, anti-social behaviour, and intimidation, at her school, and ESPECIALLY, nearly losing her Mummy to Covid-19 pneumonia.
She is still trying to process this tsunami of events, and we are engaged in obtaining mental health support for her.
At the time when her Mummy contracted Covid-19 pneumonia, (whilst working as a nurse), the whole family got Covid-19, but her Mummy spent 10 days fighting for her life, and a further 18 months recovering from significant 'long Covid'.
Our daughter, even thought at the time, and the thought remains with her, that she might have been made an orphan!
These events have not only affected our daughter's mental health, but also her physical health, and her immune system.

Our daughter's spirits were lifted recently, when she found out that our cousins from the USA, were coming to the UK in early September, in what is likely to be, (due to our cousins advanced years, - late 70's), a "one off" visit.
Our daughter last saw her cousins, in 2012, and she is particularly close to one of those cousins.

We did not determine the dates of this visit, it was arranged by our cousins, but all our family members agree that this visit is going to be a huge lift to our daughter's fragile mental health.

We put in an 'Authorised Absence' request to our daughter's school, (3 days), citing extensive and compelling "Exceptional Circumstances' for the request, including all the issues that I have stated in this message.
We were absolutely astounded when the school turned down our request, saying that the absence was unauthorised, because the request was not "in line with policy, this, (request), is not deemed to be exceptional”??!!

This request refusal has only served to exacerbate our daughter's fragile mental health, and caused massive distress, (and anger), in our family!
We believe the refusal response from the school is totally devoid of compassion, and understanding.

I have taken advice thus far, to write to the school governors, but the summer school holidays have meant that I have only received an acknowledgement that my complaint has been forwarded to the school governors and Head Teacher.

After a lengthy wait, our daughter now has an appointment to see our GP, to progress mental/medical assistance for our daughter.

I want to know what the GP can do to assist us in this exceptional absence request, as it will be crucial on our daughter's road to therapy/treatment/recovery?

Info
Number of unauthorised absences in the last 6 months = zero.
Attendance = 88.6%

You have posted on a public forum. And you have overwhelmingly come across as entitled and oblivious. You can disagree with me, but it's ridiculous to only expect comments you agree with or else become outraged and try to insult others.

You described my opinions as harsh (though I pointed out that there likely won't be any repercussions from the school for having further unauthorised absence and acknowledged that it might do your daughter good) but everything you've said (and the way you've said it) makes other people wonder how you can be so self absorbed and self important.

It's no wonder you got the response you did from the school and quite frankly, I'm wondering if your manner is the reason you feel they've been inadequate in dealing with previous issues your daughter has had to face.

You seemingly exacerbate the anxiety (I don't know why you think suffering with PTSD means you know everything) and are incredibly rude.

So just take her out. Tell her it's sorted, don't put more drama on her about how the school said no and now you're going to do X, y and Z.

This needn't be a battle to fall out with the school over. Simply keep her off those 3 days. Nothing will happen other than reduce her attendance record and make intervention more likely.

Surely you should be spending your energy on getting support for your DD with respect to the bullying, the racism and her mental wellbeing?

And no, I don't see that there was any need to tell her about the absence request and it's refusal. That was a mistake on your part.

Somaliwildass

My wife doesn't have PTSD, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody!
ALL our decisions and actions in regard to our daughter, are JOINT!!

You think PTSD makes me "entitled", "oblivious", "self absorbed" and "self important".
Let me tell you.
I have tried very hard to "give back" to the people who have helped me, all of them, including the people who treated me, and have tried to promote their services to other sufferers....how does that fit into your comments about me?!!

As for the "incredibly rude" comment you make in your last sentence, are you for real?!!

You commented that our 12 year old daughter calling us "Mummy" and "Daddy" was WEIRD!!!
My parents have passed away, and my wife has one parent left, but no matter what age, we called them "Mummy" and "Daddy".
You have a problem with that?!!

What is more important, is it is none of your damn business, and guess what, YOU are "INCREDIBLY RUDE"!
That is why we reported you!

@ Vixentor
Wow - calm down! You are really overreacting to others' opinions. Not everyone is going to agree with you. If you inflame this quickly in your day to day life , then I suggest you reflect on how these kind of behaviours impact on your child .

To be fair calling your parents mummy and daddy past about age 10 is very unusual.

You just told me, 'My wife doesn't have PTSD.' I didn't say she did. Do you think I did?

I also didn't say PTSD makes anyone (including you) self important or entitled. I think saying you're 'astounded' you didn't get special treatment from the school comes across this way.

My opinion is that you are rude to ask me who the hell I think I am and tell me it's none of my damn business for daring to say you don't have extenuating circumstances for an authorised absence. The school have said the same, so it is quite factual.

I didn't actually say that your daughter was weird at all. I said the only thing that makes you different from (because you want different treatment from) the the rest of the families following the school's absence policy was the fact that you used words like mummy and daddy in relation to a 12 year old's parents. If you did this in your written communication to a secondary school as you did in your OP here, it will have raised eyebrows and come across as unusual. (Some people actually find it odd when people about themselves, not just others, in the third person too.)

I have to say , I very much agree with @ Somaliwildass here. It's all coming across as very cosseted language.

Just keep her off and pay the fine if necessary. It’s likely you’ll never hear about it again. I wouldn’t haven’t even discussed it or mentioned it to my kids though, I don’t tell them about my communication with their school unless absolutely necessary.

However, if the racism and other behaviours have not been dealt with, then find another school. Don’t leave you dd there, to potentially suffer more abuse.

Have a lovely time with your family when they visit.

Somaliwildass

Completely missed my point about PTSD and my wife.
I pointed out that my wife didn't have PTSD, to illustrate that there were two parents, one WITH PTSD, and one WITHOUT, and that judgements were "joint".

You have diluted the "Mummy" & "Daddy" reference, in your last message, and I should point out that your original "Mummy" and "Daddy" and "WEIRD" reference, was deleted very quickly.

I hope you have a good evening.

VariationsonaTheme

Thank you SO much.
Appreciate it VERY much.

Take care

School governor here. Whilst your daughters attendance is low there seem to be fairly mitigating circumstances.

I would just take her out whilst your family are here. The governors wont authorise this but that doesn't matter to you. It affects the schools attendance data.

Go ahead and just enjoy the precious family time

That's a significant change of tone from the baby language of the first post.

Did you use the baby language for the request, thinking that because it's directed at women, it would be automatically approved? Or is that just saved for Mumsnet to go 'awww, of course you're right'?

Anyhow, she's going to be off, it's going to be marked as unauthorised, nothing else will happen, you all get to see family. No point in complaining to the Governors because they're just going to support the Head in their legally required refusal of authorised leave.

BabyIcecream

You don't know how uplifting your message was to our family, and we thank you, SO, SO, much

Why can't your dd go to school and see her relatives in the late afternoon/evening?

HarrietSchulenberg

"One off", "never to be repeated" family reunion.
Elderly cousins from USA seeing us for the last time, due to age and ill health

You have made a huge drama out of this

School governance does not cover operational decisions btw...I'm unsure what you hope to achieve by going to the chair?

Just keep her off and send in an absence e mail/phone call each day

It will not be authorised due to her low attendance (huge safeguarding issues around low attendance and PA as I'm sure you know)

This is ^ not the school rule, this is from ofsted and the DfE, they don't have a choice

Why bother the gp? Here, they refuse to supply sick notes for school anyway

Stop being so dramatic...this cannot be helping your daughter in any way

DragonFly98

Because you don't, or didn't?

A lot of safeguarding questions about the whole thing tbh.

Maybe your decisions are joint, but you have said things along the lines of having PTSD makes you best placed to observe and support. I suppose it could be the case but it really might not be. A number of posters have suggested that your emotional reactions and anxiety around being disappointed aren't conducive to helping your daughter and I'm guessing your attitude towards the school also wasn't.

You've blown up at me here with all your capital letters as if to shout at me and then repeatedly referenced a harmless comment I made which you apparently wanted removing.

I believe I used the word weird (or weirdness?), but I think it's you as the parent who is behaving this way. I'm not diluting it to rephrase as odd or unusual. It is not the norm to talk about 'her mummy' and 'her daddy' when you are her father, and if the Headteacher read something similar then I'm sure it would have stood out to them as inappropriate too. I can't know if that affects the way they view you and make judgements based on your requests and complaints.

You've also willfully misattributed my comments about you being entitled in your expectations and oblivious as to how you are perceived by others as having something to do with having PTSD. Either you really don't understand what's been said or you are looking for ways to argue.

Somaliwildass

I wish you well

It sounds like you have all been through a truly awful time, and school have not been supportive in the issues you have faced. However regarding the absence authorization, the school are not able to authorise this leave. The criteria set by the government that the schools must apply is sooo tight it has removed all personal discretion and seeming compassion. This does not mean you can't take her out. We had a situation when my children were in primary where a request was denied ( to see a likely dying grandparent ) the form was returned with absence cannot authorised but go with my blessing written on it ! Stop fighting the school on this, you can't win and it will just add to your stress and trauma, but take your daughter out and have your healing days as a family without a second thought..

They would never agree as then other families would want this too. How would that decision be made on what's allowed and what isn't?

I hope your find a new school where your daughter isn't a victim of racism, that's vile and I'm so sorry for her.

Didiplanthis

You are absolutely right with your first sentence.

Thank you SO, SO much for your message.

I used to work as an attendance officer, and there would be no code to put this under so it would be unauthorised. The most leeway we could give would be to not refer it to Ed Welfare, or whatever. The latter could be done if attendance was already low, which your daughter's already is...but if we were trying to 'turn a blind eye' so to speak it wouldn't be.

Continuing at an 88% attendance rate long term isn't sustainable, if you do not trust the school enough to facilitate improving this, I would look elsewhere.