2 week, Term time holiday for my childrens mothers wedding?? HELP

[RideNest]

Hello,
I'd like some help and advise please......

My children - 12/13 year old & 9/10 year old both attend school - primary and secondary.

Mum took them out of school last year for a holiday to America, to visit her partners brother. I was ok with this, it's not something you do every year and my children have good attendance generally.
They've just asked whether it's ok to take them out of school again, for 2 weeks, to visit America but this time they're getting married!

I don't know what to do and ive said I'll think about it, but that has resulted in an argument, because me thinking about it could result in me saying no. Harsh words have been exchanged and they've alluded to never forgiving me if I ruin their wedding and I should relinquish control.

The dates are 27/6 - 11/7 - so towards the end of the year, which, if there's ever a good time, I guess at the end is best. My children will be in year 8 and year 5.

I'm worried about what they'll miss in 2 weeks, although, as before it is towards the end of the year.
When they went before my daughter was in year 6 so they wasn't doing much at all, but she did miss transation day to high school which wasn't ideal but she got over it.

There are other things to consider too though - a school residential trip for my youngest in year 5, end of year school trip for my daughter, End of year foodball presentations....all of which 'could' fall inside the dates suggested as they have in previous years.

I also remember the previous trip been dubbed a once in a lifetime trip as they also visited Disney. Although this is also the same as they're wanting to get married.

They could do this in the holidays - yes it'll cost more but it is a choice they could make so the children's eduaction and life isn't effected.

What should I do? Should I be ok about it? Should I put my footdown and insist they look at alterntaive dates?

Offer 1 week? And they could fly back as unaccompanied minors and stay with you for the following week to allow mum to have a honeymoon?

Not at secondary school. A lot of secondary schools nowadays have exams in June, then start the next academic year at the beginning of July. It is probably the worst time of year to take them out of school.

That's unbelievably selfish of her and her partner. I would try and persuade her to change the date. If not, leave all the negotiation with school to her. And she can pay any fines.

Nice suggestion - especially as the honeymoon would be nice for them

So it's absolutely unreasonable of her and really the kids should not miss school. On the other hand, there's not that much benefit from you putting your foot down on this. I'd say to her that you disagree with the kids missing another chunk of school, especially on the back of the last holiday and that you are concerned about the kids missing on key experiences such as the residential. However, despite your concerns you are not going to stop her from asking the school for permission but she should not tell the school that you are supportive of this.

Then it's up to her to negotiate with school and I suspect they may push back. But then it's not you being the bad guy !

I would let them go because it's the wedding but refuse permission for any more term time holidays. Also, if fined, their mum should pay the entire fine.

Well she's not exactly putting her children first is she!
I wouldn't be happy about it but I reckon she'll get her own way.
I agree with the compromise of one week, children fly back and stay with you and they can have their honeymoon. That's the best compromise I'd say.

I agree withe the poster above and would be inclined to pick my battles and preserve your friendly relationship with your ex as much as possible. But talk to the school - explain that your "consent" to this trip is part of a bigger picture of a fragile relationship and you need to prioritse your childrens' relationships with both their parents. Your ex has to foot the bill for any fines you incur.

Your DD will be devastated to miss her residential though - it's the highlight of primary school and I think your ex is being massively selfish. Flights will only be more expensive during the school holidays if she messes around and books late. We have to do long haul regularly for family visits - in school holidays - and you have to book early.

Is her partner American and has lots of family there that necessitates this wedding being local? Is his brother living a very attractive life out there? I'd be concerned about this enthusiasm being part of a bigger plan to move to the US with the kids.

And she really dragging her whole family out to the US for a middle-aged-destination-second-wedding? She might be in for a bit of a disappointment unless her family has money to burn.

I think that a wedding is sadly not the issue to put your foot down over. She'll perceive it as you opposing her new relationship whatever the reality. And if it's booked, then may be too late to change.
Instead I would let her know that you're not happy about them missing school, would be happy to have either or both of them remain with you if they wanted to (eg if there is an exciting school trip one of them doesn't want to miss) and make it clear that out of term holidays can't be happening in future years (not least as your oldest is heading towards GCSE years)

You can also let the school know that it's their mum's decision and you are opposed to it (but not willing to go to court over it). That'll hopefully mean you don't get fined even if their mum does.

Just say no.

For the past 10 years my dc have missed a week and sometimes 2 for a sporting event my dh competes in. I never lie. The head even said she was thankful I was honest! No trauma or education deficits here.

I'm not really sure what I'd do in your situation if she doesn't back down on the date though... I think it would depend on what the children wanted. Trying to find a way they can miss less school and still make the wedding sounds like a good idea. But definitely don't let it become a regular thing to miss school - make it clear this is a one-off because it's the wedding!

Thank you. This is a very good suggestion of how to approach it

Is there any way you can take them over a few days before the wedding and bring them back after? So they only miss a couple of days of school, not the whole two weeks?

I'd agree tbh. 2 weeks of school
Is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Your ongoing relationships with your DC and their mother are far more important.

Education is important obviously but there is so much more to raising a well rounded child and education isn't limited to school. All experiences and interactions are important.

Let them go with your blessing. This is not the hill to die on.

School trip v Wedding in another country.....no contest.

It is more difficult at secondary school as the teachers won't help with any catch up work and usually just tell the child to ask others in the class. For subjects like maths and the sciences where you build on prior knowledge it can be a problem.

I think you could say yes to this one AS LONG as it is clearly understood that this is the last request in term time AND that they pay any resulting fine. The older child will be year 9 next year and GCSE content will have started in some classes most likely.

I think there is definitely a danger of it becoming an annual event.

The dc’s mother is being selfish. Your dc will miss out on end of year stuff.
I really don’t understand her logic tbh. I would be saying no.
However I would ask the dc their opinion and be swayed by that. If they say yes I would point out what they might be missing out on at home so that they make an informed decision over a few days thinking time.

Really, you cant ask the children, unless you are going to follow their requests. What if they say yes, then the final answer is no, or they say no, then the final answer is yes, or what if one say yes, and the other says no.

This is a decision being made for the children

Yes, thanks, I do agree with this. Unless im willing to go with their decision it's a parent job to decide this one but will totally explain my thinking as I work through it with Mum and co

Or is this more a power play Op and the children's schooling is a smokescreen?

Im not sure what you mean?

Say to your ex only if the school authorise it. School won't

Oh no, I've got you now. I'd prefer suggestions that would help me feel comfortable about letting it go ahead, without feeling like a bad parent.
Like what you say above - there is more to raising a well rounded child than schooling but there's a balance of course, hence me struggling with the situation. Thanks

When I say ask the children I neglected to say that ultimately the decision is DF’s but that their feelings could be considered.
If they were gcse students it would be a definite no from me whatever the kids said.
I would be cross the DM had suggested missing school tbh.