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Original poster

2 week, Term time holiday for my childrens mothers wedding?? HELP

54 replies

RideNest · 16/07/2023 08:52

Hello,
I'd like some help and advise please......

My children - 12/13 year old & 9/10 year old both attend school - primary and secondary.

Mum took them out of school last year for a holiday to America, to visit her partners brother. I was ok with this, it's not something you do every year and my children have good attendance generally.
They've just asked whether it's ok to take them out of school again, for 2 weeks, to visit America but this time they're getting married!

I don't know what to do and ive said I'll think about it, but that has resulted in an argument, because me thinking about it could result in me saying no. Harsh words have been exchanged and they've alluded to never forgiving me if I ruin their wedding and I should relinquish control.

The dates are 27/6 - 11/7 - so towards the end of the year, which, if there's ever a good time, I guess at the end is best. My children will be in year 8 and year 5.

I'm worried about what they'll miss in 2 weeks, although, as before it is towards the end of the year.
When they went before my daughter was in year 6 so they wasn't doing much at all, but she did miss transation day to high school which wasn't ideal but she got over it.

There are other things to consider too though - a school residential trip for my youngest in year 5, end of year school trip for my daughter, End of year foodball presentations....all of which 'could' fall inside the dates suggested as they have in previous years.

I also remember the previous trip been dubbed a once in a lifetime trip as they also visited Disney. Although this is also the same as they're wanting to get married.

They could do this in the holidays - yes it'll cost more but it is a choice they could make so the children's eduaction and life isn't effected.

What should I do? Should I be ok about it? Should I put my footdown and insist they look at alterntaive dates?

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 16/07/2023 08:57

I wouldn't be happy, but I suspect she has you over a barrel as it's a wedding.
If you get fined she should pay.

Theos · 16/07/2023 08:58

School will not authorise that absence because it’s totally unnecessary.

Are you of course will be liable for the fine.

Maybe your ex partner could cover that

Zonder · 16/07/2023 08:58

Ask her if she could possibly think of the children and put her wedding in the school holidays. My kids always loved the last couple of weeks of term as that's when they do the fun stuff.

5childrenand · 16/07/2023 08:59

Utterly ridiculous when they have the option of school holidays. Things don’t wind down at the end of the year anymore - they will be missing lots.

orangeleavesinautumn · 16/07/2023 09:02

what are you going to do with the school? Tell the truth or lie? They could lose their school places over two weeks unexplained absence

ChocChipHandbag · 16/07/2023 09:02

So they live with her and her partner and you’re the non-resident parent?

She sounds very self-obsessed. It’s great that you are so involved in their school lives. I imagine there is a lot of emotional blackmail around any attempt by you to make her change her wedding date. It seems like you should try though, as non-confrontationally as possible. Good luck.

Original poster
RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:03

Yes, and with the strikes going down, and covid, actual time in school has already taken a huge hit

OP posts:
Original poster
RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:06

5childrenand · 16/07/2023 08:59

Utterly ridiculous when they have the option of school holidays. Things don’t wind down at the end of the year anymore - they will be missing lots.

Yes, and with the strikes going down, and covid, actual time in school has already taken a huge hit. That said, it would cost them alot more wouldn't it during the school holidays, so I get why people take children out during term time. Maybe a week though, 2 weeks is a bit much

OP posts:
JC89 · 16/07/2023 09:07

If they wanted the children at the wedding they should have had it in the school holidays. Or had the wedding locally at a weekend. June is not the end of the year either, they could miss a lot in those 2 weeks. And they already missed time last year for a supposedly one off holiday - it sounds a bit like they might try and do the same thing every year!

Original poster
RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:08

ChocChipHandbag · 16/07/2023 09:02

So they live with her and her partner and you’re the non-resident parent?

She sounds very self-obsessed. It’s great that you are so involved in their school lives. I imagine there is a lot of emotional blackmail around any attempt by you to make her change her wedding date. It seems like you should try though, as non-confrontationally as possible. Good luck.

No, we actually share the care equally, 3 nights/4 nights over 2 weeks. Thanks for the kind comment. Talking is defintely on the cards

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 16/07/2023 09:10

I'd say no to that - 2 weeks in term time is far too much. She can wait til the school holidays.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 16/07/2023 09:10

Won't the first week be half term? So could they take the children just for one week?

Personally, I wouldn't agree to my dc missing two weeks of school.

Original poster
RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:12

orangeleavesinautumn · 16/07/2023 09:02

what are you going to do with the school? Tell the truth or lie? They could lose their school places over two weeks unexplained absence

Lie - would never consider that. As an adult, deciding to lie is one thing, but the children would need to also lie, to school/keep it quiet which is not something I will be modeling for them.
Mum would need to speak to school - I guess it would go down as an unauthorised absence but some might say it's exceptional with it being a wedding. That said, they are in control of the date. It's not like it's a relatives wedding on a date they can't control

OP posts:
Ionacat · 16/07/2023 09:12

Check your LEA’s policy. Our LEA says they may look to pursue legal action if you’ve had a previous penalty notice.

Original poster
RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:14

EmmaGrundyForPM · 16/07/2023 09:10

Won't the first week be half term? So could they take the children just for one week?

Personally, I wouldn't agree to my dc missing two weeks of school.

Thanks for your thoughts.
Half term for us is End of May, and they want to avoid the school holidays due to cost and it been cheaper in term time.

OP posts:
Original poster
RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:15

JC89 · 16/07/2023 09:07

If they wanted the children at the wedding they should have had it in the school holidays. Or had the wedding locally at a weekend. June is not the end of the year either, they could miss a lot in those 2 weeks. And they already missed time last year for a supposedly one off holiday - it sounds a bit like they might try and do the same thing every year!

Yes, I think that maybe the case now you mention it. Especially with her partners brother living out there.

OP posts:
Original poster
RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:17

Zonder · 16/07/2023 08:58

Ask her if she could possibly think of the children and put her wedding in the school holidays. My kids always loved the last couple of weeks of term as that's when they do the fun stuff.

Thank you for your comment. Really helpful.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis2244 · 16/07/2023 09:18

I think that given it’s her wedding I would step back from this argument. The damage to the children from damaging your relationship with mum is potentially much more worrying than missing two weeks of school. And if she goes ahead and gets married without them there that would be hugely upsetting for the kids.

I think that I would say to her that the reason you wanted to think about it was because you are really unhappy with annual holidays being in term time and it’s the second year in a row so you’re worried it sets a precedent. Then make it clear to her and the kids that you won’t give permission a third time.

ZenNudist · 16/07/2023 09:20

I wouldn't take 2 weeks out in secondary. I'm quite surprised she'd let your dd miss her residential. I wouldn't risk missing this even for a wedding when she's got control over the date.

I'm considering 1 week out in Oct in y9 as there's no good holiday to go to Japan otherwise. I'm really weighing this up because a whole week out intentionally would set my ds back a lot and give him a lot to catch up on.

If she is trying to save money on the holiday she needs to reduce the amount of time she takes out of school and take say max 3 days before a holiday starts. This is a bit cheaper.

Disney is possible at many times of year if that's where she's getting married. Easter and Christmas are busy and expensive. October ideal but have to take a further week. May is good too but again if you only get a week then need to take another and could clash with exam season. I think even February could work well with an extra week off. Lots of options that don't involve 2 weeks out.

Original poster
RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:21

Namechangedforthis2244 · 16/07/2023 09:18

I think that given it’s her wedding I would step back from this argument. The damage to the children from damaging your relationship with mum is potentially much more worrying than missing two weeks of school. And if she goes ahead and gets married without them there that would be hugely upsetting for the kids.

I think that I would say to her that the reason you wanted to think about it was because you are really unhappy with annual holidays being in term time and it’s the second year in a row so you’re worried it sets a precedent. Then make it clear to her and the kids that you won’t give permission a third time.

Thank you
Really helpful and thoughful, and that's my worry too. We've not had the best relationship in the past and yes I agree it totally is worse than them missing 2 weeks of school. Thank you

OP posts:
Takeachance18 · 16/07/2023 09:22

The year 8 child could have school assessments during that time. It really isn't the end of year, the last week maybe. Given US schools, plus Scotland and Northern Island have finished for summer, it isn't cheaper - booking flights this early, they will be as cheap as they can be. They have accommodation with her brother.

Last few days of term maybe, but not 2 weeks again in term time, when they are the ones organizing the wedding.

Original poster
RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:25

RideNest · 16/07/2023 09:21

Thank you
Really helpful and thoughful, and that's my worry too. We've not had the best relationship in the past and yes I agree it totally is worse than them missing 2 weeks of school. Thank you

Show quote history

I guess im looking for people to convince me to be ok with it, or give me confidence in the other. This is the only post so far that does this - thanks haha. The others are suggesting I should try and talk them into a different time which is also something which would try and preserve our fragile relations. Thanks

OP posts:
BrunchMonster · 16/07/2023 09:26

That is definitely the time of year that Year 8 can have assessments - not absolutely vital, but quite important nonetheless as it can give them a chance to see what proper exams are like, work on revision skills etc. And other fun things happen, trips and sports things and concert and whatever.

And a year 5 residential is really important to the children at the time.

No need to miss two whole weeks. If they really have to get married there, and it has to be then, could you send/take the children out later just for that, and then they could stay for a further week. Or suggest that they plan it just before half term or Easter holidays or something, so that there are only a few days of school missed. Or even a few days before the official end of term.

Of course the children would be disappointed to miss their Mum's wedding, but I suspect they'd also not be that happy with missing two weeks of school - even if they dislike school, they know that it's hard to catch up on stuff, might worry about exams for the year 8, missing fun stuff with friends, all of that is still really important to them. So they might not be happy with her plan either!

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 09:28

No way I’d agree to that terrible idea, and I’d get both the headteachers on board asap to back me up.

Ionacat · 16/07/2023 09:29

Please check out the situation with regard prosecution. Some authorities (mine included) are now looking to prosecute for a second unauthorised term time holiday. There is a lot of difference between £60 per parent and a fine up to £2,500.
I would check with the school what the LEA policy is. (School policy doesn’t matter as it’s the LEA that fines and prosecutes.)
This may either stop it in its tracks or you can decide whether actually to let it go and not risk upsetting your ex.