Preschooler has been offered a place at a private school that I love, but is happy at state nursery

[Starwarszzz]

Preschooler goes to a state school nursery. I quite like the school, but preschooler is very happy there. I applied for a space in September in case the private school I wanted didn’t work out, he has a place.

But he also has a place at a private school that I soon have to put down a deposit for.

What do I do? He wants to go to the school with the friends, but the private school is lovely. It’s something I’d always wanted to do for my children (I grew up not exactly poor, but went to a real sink school and my parents didn’t have spare money at the end of every month).

The private school is also really progressive and play based in the early years and just all the things that I wished for when researching a school.

The state school is “good” and seems nice enough in reception. The parents like it.

DC is adamant he wants to go to school with his friends.

I feel very torn about this. All similar threads say “never move a happy child”, but I’m sure he’ll be happier at this other school once he gets used to it! Or is this just something I want for him?!

I don’t want him to get to year 2/3 etc and be unhappy and then it’s too late, the space at the other school is gone and it’s all more of an upheaval.

The private school is also fairly local ( a bike ride away rather than a very short walk), and why we moved to the area, but he didn’t get a nursery space there - hence going to the state.

Also he’s five in early September so a bit older than most kids in his preschool year, hence having such a strong opinion of where he wants to go! (If he were still three, he may not.)

I’d leave him where he is, you might love the private school but it’s not you attending. Aim
for a private secondary school if that’s what he wants when he’s older. Most if not all schools are play based in the early years, why pay private fees for someone to let your child play when they can do it elsewhere for free, with his friends?

Go for whichever school you think is better. He likes what he knows... he doesn't know the other school.

We moved hundreds of miles between Preschool and Reception year (twice!) Within a few days it was like they had always been at their new schools.

Let him stay where he is happy.

Leave him where he is. If he's unhappy in future it's more likely that the private school will have space for him than the state school.

He has friends, is settled and sounds genuinely excited for starting reception. I wouldn't want to mess about with that when you don't need to.

If that’s the school you think is best for him, you can afford the fees and manage the commute then move him no question. Of course he’s going to say he wants to stay where he knows with his friends if you ask him, he’s 4. He’ll make new friends in about 5 minutes and preschool-> reception is always going to be a big change with kids leaving and starting even if he stays at the current school.

The private school may have a space in a few years, but isn’t as likely to - there’s a waitlist for every year group as far as I can tell. The state school is oversubscribed because there seems to be a shortage of schools around, but parents with older children tell me there’s a lot of movement (we live in a very transient place) and spaces always come up.

Either way, someone else would be happy to get whichever space we let go!

I feel genuinely conflicted! We can afford it. But more money is always a good thing. But the private school is pretty much why we came to the neighbourhood we’re in!

I’d be disappointed if he didn’t go there. And I’m not sure what that’s about?! Best for my DS or for me?! It’s definitely a nicer school - nicer facilities, outlook, teachers. ahh!

He doesn't want things to change. He isn't making an informed decision, weighing up the pros and cons of both schools, he just knows that he likes things the way they are. The private school is new and unfamiliar, probably seems a bit daunting to him in fact, whereas the state school is somewhere he can relate to so it would in fact be stranger if he wanted to leave.
But of course things are going to change either way. Reception will be different and friendship groups will almost certainly change quite quickly.To be honest I wouldn't even use where friends are going as a major factor when it comes to choosing a secondary school, never mind infants. I'd make a decision based on educational standards, extracurricular activities, logistics of getting there, longer days vs longer holidays, financial considerations etc. I'm not opposed to children making age appropriate decisions but at this stage it's stuff like rice or pasta for tea, the green t shirt or the blue one today. A child of this age just isn't capable of understanding the implications of this type of decision, no matter how bright they are. It's ok to override him if that is what you think is in his best interests OP and he will probably have forgotten about nursery in a matter of weeks when he starts school, whichever one you choose.

I’d send him to the private school.

I wouldn't have asked him. Just send him to the private school and try to be confident and breezy about it. If you are anxious he will pick up in that.

Send him to the school you want him to go to. Unless you chose to stay in touch he'll have forgotten his preschool friends before long.

Just tell him that's the school that's been chosen for him.

Private school. We didn't get into any state school we applied for. Went on waiting list and decided to stay at private school with no regrets. Was never the original plan but opportunities were great and I'm so happy we stuck with it.

He's 4 years old so not old enough to be making a decision.

He’s 5! He doesn’t really get to make the decision! Of course he is going to want to stay with his friends, he doesn’t have the maturity to think about his educational future. This is one of those moments where you have to look at the bigger picture and make the choice for him. Personally if all that is holding you back is him not wanting to move then I would go for the private if you can afford it, better class sizes / teaching / facilities. He will make friends because they all do at that age!

Make the decision on what you think is best, not just because he wants to stay with friends. DC change friends as they get older sometimes or they can move away. My dd has had a few close friends move over the years. We had to make a similar decision, but mid reception and I was torn because she was super happy at her school, but a spot opened at a school closer, that also had the added benefit of learning another language. If I had asked my dd, she would have chosen to stay 100. I did not give the option. I just came to her with the happy news explaining we managed to get a spot and its very good news, lets celebrate etc. Year 6 now and no regrets!

Totally this!

I think State til 8 tbh or even year 7. But definitely not for Reception and Infants.

I think if you can go private from the beginning then do it. Reception and year 1 are hugely important years and private tend not to do the farce that is the phonics check in Year 1 so that’s an added bonus. Plus the fact it is progressive and play based-that alone would make me switch.

Thanks everyone! This has been really helpful so far. The reason he knows is we didn’t have the answer of where he’d go to school for a while - and he knows most of his nursery friends are going to the reception in September! They talk about it a lot.

I think you’re right that I need to be firm in the choice - “you’re going to x” and not wishy washy, which I have perhaps been a little as I haven’t been sure what’s right!

@Starwarszzz What school do you think is best for him in the longer run?.YR is one year. Does the prep go to 11 or 13? What facilities have they got and how is teaching organised? Do they have specialist subject teachers? Is there great sport? Art and music? What are secondary/senior destinations? Where do you think he will go at 11 or 13? What school best facilitates that? Answering all of this is for you to do! DC won’t have a clue. So you make the decision.

OP, you need to make your decision based on the long-term picture here, not asking your son in the here and now.

What are the long-term reasons for this school? What is the teaching like in the upper years? Does it lead into or feed into a private secondary school that you really like? If it's a standalone prep school, what's your plan for secondary? Would a school that is "play based" actually prepare your child for admission to a private secondary, and is that what you want? Do you have the money to pay for private education long-term, factoring in fee increases and probably VAT over the years? What, specifically, are the reasons you like it? Will you have more children?

I would be torn too! Have you toured the state school to see what it offers up to yr6? If not, I'd ask the head for a tour.

I thought your comment about it being 'progressive/play based learning' was odd. Our state school reception is just like this.

We personally chose state school over a prep school place for our ds. He's Yr 4 now and had a great experience, I wouldn't change that for the world!

A lot can be said for being in a class of mixed children from all areas too. My son may go to grammar or private for secondary, and I'm glad he's had a period of his education mixing with people from a wider background set.

We had advice to save our money for private secondary if we needed it. Personally, I'm not sure it's worth paying for private primary, but can be very area/school dependent. If you send him to the private prep, I think you're committing yourself to send him all the way through to end of secondary too. So one to think about budget.

Send him to the private school - children that age generally don't think about anything other than their friends, they have no idea about the difference between state and private etc so certainly don't know best! I assume he's 3? I wouldn't let his future education be impacted because you took the advice of a 3 year old over your own! Sounds like the private school means a lot to you.
FWIW we're planning to send DS to private next year although he's 8. He has plenty friends at his state school and the first thing he said when we told him was what about my friends? He doesn't know that the local high school isn't great, that he's behind because of disruption in his current class etc and that he'd have so many more opportunities at the private school. And he'll make new friends.

@yoshiblue
Not that many state schools have a huge mix of Dc. Although ours did, Dc and their parents seemed tribal. Certainly some Dc would never play with many of the others. The families that knew each other stuck together. I notice the benefit of a wider range of families does not apply to secondary school! Why are these DC suddenly not good enough? Are they just used as a learning tool or experiment at 4-11? Sad really. If this was truly important to you, the local secondary would suffice! Instead you seem happy to ditch these less fortunate Dc as they have fulfilled their role for you. At least going private is not using anyone.

Primary schools and secondary schools are very different though so you're not comparing like with like. The age of the child can make a huge difference in behaviour and disruption in class. Added to that the fact that kids sit exams in secondary. It's not unusual for parents to want their kids to be able to focus in class as teenagers and potentially do well in exams as a result. If your state secondary is really good then great, but not everyone has that.

If you espouse standards you think mean a lot in education, I think you should stick to them, whatever the phase and not use other Dc as some sort of social experiment. Who says Dc from varied backgrounds are disruptive? Or will hinder learning? How come that’s not an issue at primary where the variety is seen as a bonus? It’s double standards at best. Unkind at worst.