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Original poster

Dd put down by schoolmates for running slowly......feeling sad

39 replies

FrenchNicholasGirl · 09/12/2004 20:30

First of all, sorry if this is a bit long and confused, but I am a bit upset.
I feel sad for dd (5 years and 5 months) as she has finally realised that she is not good at sport (by the way, sport is no big deal in our house, so there's no pressure from us in that area). She said the other day 'I'm slow at running but I'm intelligent!', which made me smile and at the same time made me sad as she is now aware of her weakness. She walked at 22 months, and as a result her jumping and running are not great, even though she keeps making progress. She said tonight that she is glad that 'A' (a boy from her class) is away because he always tells her that she is slow at running and she always comes last in races. This has made me feel so sad for her, because she is a happy, enthusiastic little girl who always tries her best (teacher's words, not mine!), and she shouldn't be put down like this. I know kids do that and she has to learn to defend herself but she is still so young, she shouldn't have to hear this, it's taken her so long to master confidence in physical things. So I find myself boosting her confidence by reminding her that she is an excellent reader (Year 1 ORT level 10), in the top group in maths, won her drama competition last year, etc....... I don't want to have to do that because I don't want to raise her as a boastful child.
What do I do??????

OP posts:

Gobbledigoose · 09/12/2004 20:34

Just what you are doing FNG! I think you are handling it just right - in terms of, you just emphasise that everyone is good at different things and that perhaps those that are faster at running are maybe not as good at something else she is good at (reading, drama or whatever) because what they are good at is running and what she is good at is x, y or z.

It doesn't mean you are making her boastful, just pointing out that we all have different strengths and weaknesses.

SnowmAngeliz · 09/12/2004 20:36

Don't really know what to advise, you sound like you're doing great and she sounds great too. I suppose you'll just have to keep telling her that someonehas to come last!

(As a smaller thing, my dd 3 was sat alone on a School coach today-nobody sat next to her and she said, "I don't think they knew who liked me!".......i cryed (NOT infront of her, it's all on another thread, just to empathise about when our children's feelings are hurt!)

JoolsTide · 09/12/2004 20:36

yes she's aware of her weaknesses but she also seems to be aware of her strengths too. It's just up to you to reinforce them and tell her that no-one is good at everything and as long as she enjoys taking part in the running that's ok and just ignore the the silly things people say because its not important.

You're probably more upset than she is - us parents get very protective of our young! I'm sure she'll be fine.

MarsselectionboxLady · 09/12/2004 20:36

I agree with goobledigoose. You're doing well. Keep going and emphasising her strengths.

SenoraPostrophe · 09/12/2004 20:38

nothing. It sounds like you have already done what you need to (how many 5 year olds do you think would say "I'm slow..but I'm intelligent"?). It sounds like she is doing fine with it.

I was crap at running, by the way. It never really bothered me, although I do remember it felt good to come 3rd a swimming race once (OK, it was backstroke and I only won because all the good swimmers were picked for the other races, but still)

Original poster

FrenchNicholasGirl · 09/12/2004 20:41

oh thank you so much ladies, it's horrible when they get hurt like that. Your poor dd Snowmangeliz , virtual hug from me!
Thanks for your kind words, I'll keep praising all the great stuff she does.

I guess I feel that somehow it's OK to be loud and proud about achievement in sports than it is about academic stuff?

OP posts:

sobernoel · 09/12/2004 20:51

My dd is very similar to yours, FNG. In the playground every morning her classmates are all swinging around on the monkey bars and she won't go on them. She tried once but has no strength - she's tiny - and now just says there's no point. But she's not down about it, she is a good reader and loves school.

I think it's a shame than no-one thinks you're boastful if you shout that you scored 3 goals, but if you can spell every word in a test everyone thinks you should shut up about it.

Gobbledigoose · 09/12/2004 20:55

FNG - I was going to say that but deleted it! For some reason, it's cool to be good at sport but noone gives as much of a monkeys if you can't spell or read as well as someone else.

Even so, I still think you are doing the right things by just praising and encouraging the things she is good at and just emphasising that everyone is good at different things.

Batters · 09/12/2004 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spacedonkey · 09/12/2004 21:07

This makes me feel sad too. I was crap at sports at school, and as a result I have a lifelong lack of confidence in physical things. I compensated for it by concentrating on the things at which I could be successful. And that's what I think is really sad - it's not always about being good at something, or being top of the class. It's only now, at the age of 36, that I'm beginning to take steps to overcome my perception of myself as "bad at sports" and "not a physical type of person". I won't go any further because it will result in me mounting my hobby horse yet again.

candycane · 09/12/2004 21:12

Poor little thing - they'll be jealous when she runs rings round them in other ways! I know somebody who used to take pride in being "the fastest of the slow runners" - maybe you could tell her that? Just give her extra hugs and tell her we're all good at different things - I'm sure you've done all this already - hugs.

Original poster

FrenchNicholasGirl · 09/12/2004 21:14

thanks again everyone, you are kind and it's nice to know we're not alone! What you're saying is very interesting spacedonkey, I wish you would elaborate a bit......

OP posts:

spacedonkey · 09/12/2004 21:15

I like batters' post!

aloha · 09/12/2004 21:25

Oh this strikes a double chord for me. I was really crap at sport - I once actually asked my PE teacher 'why can't I run faster?" and was just snapped at and told I had to try harder, which I knew even then wasn't the answer. My ds is delayed in his motor skills, and I really, really worry about his schooldays. I know the rest of his life will be fine - who cares when you leave school if you are rubbish at sport? - but school can be brutal. Luckily, at three, he has only the dimmest idea that he isn't every bit as good as everyone else, though I suspect that can't last much longer. For me the answer was definitely to feel pride in the things I WAS good at - drama, reading, writing, etc. I actually felt quite contemptuous of those who were 'just' good at sport, which may sound harsh, but for me it made the difference between being crushed by a lack of ability I could do nothing about, and a sense of pride in who I was. So I think it's a really good thing to praise your daughter's obvious skills to the hilt, and I wouldn't hesitate to say that sport isn't important and when she is big nobody will care if she is good at running, but people like boy A who are rude and nasty don't make friends.
I tell my ds every day that he is good and beautiful and clever and praise all the things he does well - even if it's just struggling to take his shoes off and succeeding. I think it's important to be your child's cheerleader and to be on their side.

aloha · 09/12/2004 21:27

BTW, since reaching adulthood I've tried various sporting activities and even had professional tennis lessons (on a swanky Carribbean holiday!). I CANNOT do sport, and it's just the way I am made. I want ds to feel equally OK about it, but worry it is harder for boys.

merrymarthamoo · 09/12/2004 21:39

She's intelligent - that's far more use than being good at running. Running schmunning.

I was rubbish at all sports at school - always the last to be picked for the team ("you have her...we had her last week.")

It sounds like she has it all pretty sussed anyway - you're giving her the tools to deal with any taunts. Who wants to be good at running anyway?

aloha · 09/12/2004 21:40

Marthamoo, I was offered to the other team as well! They'd rather go one short than have me!

NoMoomAtTheInn · 09/12/2004 21:45

FNG, sounds like you are doing brilliantly - and so is your dd! You won't make her a boastful child by praising her - you'll make her confident, secure and aware of her strengths.

FWIW, I was appalling at sports. I used to actually be kept behind after school to practise forward rolls with sadistic games mistresses! - not to mention the ritual humiliation of always being picked last for teams. Unbelievable. But I was really good at other stuff and regularly praised for it, and now the fact that I can't run for toffee doesn't matter a bit despite it seeming so important at the time. So I agree with every word of aloha's post. Kids can be vile but, in the end, being able to run fast doesn't make you a good person

mrschristmaswallace · 09/12/2004 21:45

id send a tuff little 5 year old from the street in to beat the s*t out of him!!!!!!!
just think, their parents obviously dont offer any encouragement or supprt to him, so tell her to feel sorry for him as hes obviously insecure

merrymarthamoo · 09/12/2004 21:47

Oh, Aloha, I'm so glad I'm in good company! I do remember the humiliation - but now I'm old I know I'd rather be clever than athletic (though a nicely honed body and flat-as-a-board stomach would be kinda nice...)

miggy · 09/12/2004 22:21

Cant say much to help at moment, just sympathise as DS1 is the same. He said once "I dont mind about being bad at sports, I just dont like other people making fun of me about it" which broke my heart.
BUT it does get better, he is now 11 and recognised by his peers as being very clever,they just ignore his lack of sporting prowess (!) and he is happy with himself. Kids do get kinder as they get older and see that others have different strengths and weaknesses.
DH and I were both hopeless too so he had little chance really. What I remember is the crushing humiliation of being the last one chosen when teachers let pupils pick teams. I'd stand there, knowing I would be the last every time. Horrible-hope they dont do that now.

xmascaroltygirl · 09/12/2004 22:38

I've got my advice all ready for dd1 (still only 6) if the "last picked for games" thing ever happens. It goes something like: "So... if your class were ever picking teams for a reading competition, or a story-writing one, who would get picked first for that??"

Original poster

FrenchNicholasGirl · 09/12/2004 22:51

you're all great and have put a smile back on my face, thank you!!! Have to go and ice some fairy cakes for her school party tomorrow..... at least no running there (and she has a beautiful dress to wear so she'll feel very special)
thanks again everyone
mumsnet, je t'aime!!!!!

OP posts:

LunarSeasonsGreetings · 10/12/2004 13:59

FNG - Your description of dd could have been me at that age. I never could ran fast, or throw or catch accurately. I was that kid who was always the last to be picked for team games, and the subject of the "do we have to have her" comments - I always ended up as the referee if we had odd numbers in the class because neither side wanted me.

But years later I discovered that there are some sports which need other qualities. Once we started doing sports which required stamina, rather than speed (not to mention a little more determination to keep going than some of those who'd always found being "fast" easy had) I discovered that I was actually quite good at going a long way, reasonably quickly. Suddenly the kid who was always last to be picked was actually the one who could always easily win the cross country and middle distance races.

I can still remember the look of total disbelief on my PE teacher's face the day the unsporty kid was the first to finish the first cross country run we had to do, and by so far that I was washed changed and dressed before the next one finished.

So even though it's heartbreaking now, it might not always be the case, and it could just be that the sports they are doing at 5 years old aren't the ones at which she might ultimately prove to be best at.

aloha · 10/12/2004 14:08

Well, ds had a paediatrician who was actually able to use the dyspraxia word with me this am - poor little lad is 3.3 and has the gross motor skills of a kid of about 18months - 2 years. BUT he's articulate, happy, can do lots and lots of other things. Of course I will boost his confidence about those things, and if any child dares say anything mean or cruel to him, I will hit them with my trusty baseball bat

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