Do you have one child in state and one in private?

[Heatherbell1978]

We're currently planning to send DS to private school for P6 (he's P4 now) for various reasons but mainly due to concerns with his progress post-Covid.

Although we can afford it, sending DD will be a stretch although we'd have around 5 years of DS there alone before paying 2 sets of fees and we have a plan in place for that. We wouldn't send DD until S1.

But they're quite different kids. DS is your classic 'invisible middle' child who we worry will fall under the radar so private will help him but DD, although just P1, is way ahead and shows signs of being pretty academic so will no doubt do well in state or private.

Makes me think that we could end up in a situation where one is private and one in state (although we'd give DD the option and assess closer to the time). Just wondering if this is common and what your DC think if this is the case?

It's slightly confusing whether you have two or three as you say DS is a middle child? I have children in both state and private. They have different needs and are happy where they are and the one in state so far doesn't seem to feel hard done by. It probably helps that they are different sexes and the one in private goes to a single sex school so that wouldn't even be an option for the other.

However, I am aware of the huge disparity in how much money we are spending on one and that guilt is probably expressed by my paying for an enormous amount of extra-curricular things for the one in state in the hope of evening things up... it's difficult.

I used to have this but my kids are grown up now. DD was academic and got a 70 percent scholarship. We could afford to send DS but he refused to go. DD went to school Saturdays until 4pm which they called a half day. She also was expected to attend the school chapel once a month on a Sunday morning. He just point blank refused to give up his Saturdays. My DD got a degree and Masters degree and DS got good GCSE's but wanted to leave school and not do his A levels or go to Uni. He is now a Class 1 lorry driver and earns more than DD. Both are happy with their lives.

I have 2 DC - the 'middle' refers more to where DS is in the class. He's well behaved and diligent but not the kind of child that attracts attention either positive or negative so I think private will work for him. DD is a lot more confident and currently in top sets so I wouldn't consider private if it was just her - so I suppose by that train of thought it doesn't necessarily mean she should follow the same path. But it would feel strange paying for one and not the other.

With that sort of age difference I think it is quite easy to treat them as only children and do what is best for them individually. I think as long as your dd is consulted in the decision you can go either way.

also with regards to fairness - fair is not always equal. I say this as the mother of twins, who very precociously understood the concept of half. One child might need a more expensive intervention to achieve the same result as their sibling - the other child isn’t ’owed’ - fairness comes in getting each child to the same result, not money spent.

I’m just about to move my younger into private OP . He is underachieving where he is and wants to move . My elder is doing well in a State selective ( different school to his brother )and doesnt mind at all that his brother is going private although he is worried about him having to make new friends and would like him to move to his own school ! ( not an option really ) They are young teens . You do what each child needs if you can - my boys are very different

I don't though we have friends that do. They applied for both to go to the same selective private school and only one got it. She felt it was a shame to deny her daughter the opportunity. The state schools are fantastic and so she doesn't think its worth paying for a middling private school as an alternative.

Also I know some who are private for one and grammar for the other because the private school child isn't grammar school material.

I have other friends though who would never consider it and so it is either private for all of them or state for everyone.

Only you know the personal dynamic between the siblings and how it might impact the family dynamic and its down to some of those details.

One who is academically focused will go to the local state school (one of the best secondaries in the country) and the other will probably go to a private school due to Sen.

I have one (DD) who has been privately educated throughout. Our younger child has additional needs and they’ve been brilliantly managed in a state primary school (after a dreadful prep school experience). He will go to independent for secondary. DD will probably move to state grammar/ sixth form for sixth form in a couple of years.

So, we’ve used a pick and mix approach, depending on individual wants/ needs. And there’s been little correlation between price and educational quality in our kids’ schools. The only sticky point we did have is that DD felt DS has had a more enjoyable experience at primary than she had at her small, private girls’ school. She has a point. And she resents that a little. She’s doing brilliantly academically now, but I know she’s looking forward to moving out of her private school bubble.

@Labraradabrador
"fairness comes in getting each child to the same result, not money spent."

Can you explain what you mean by this? I don't have twins, but presumably you don't mean that quite as I am reading it? Some children will never get to the same 'result' as another child, however much time/money/effort is spent.

I don’t mean results as in exam results - results as in a level of support that meets their needs, which might vary. If I have one child passionate about art (a generally cheap hobby) and another passionate about horses ( much more expensive), I can send them both to local lessons without feeling like my art lover is being ‘cheated’ or ‘undervalued’ as both are doing something they love to the same degree. Same with school - if I had one that would be happier / more successful in private specialist provision and another who would equally thrive at a large mixed ability comp or an academic grammar I would feel like I have given the same ‘result’ - a school they can thrive in to similar degrees.

Does that make sense? Not from uk so the word ‘result’ doesn’t have the same connotations.

Not a big age difference - 2.5 years - but because we'd move DS for P6 but wait until S1 for DD that gives us 5 years of one fees. Already we have a situation where DS is excited at the thought and DD is saying she 'never wants to change schools' albeit red herring there as we wouldn't move her during primary school anyway. DS also very sporty compared to DD.
It doesn't feel as common around here (Scotland) as the school system is a bit different to England with one state school all the catchment kids go to as opposed to having selective grammars. So it's either go to the state school or pay private and depending on your state that's quite a difference (ours is mediocre at best)

@Heatherbell1978 We had similar. DD1 was going to a private senior school snd DD2 was in the local junior school DD1 was just leaving. It had experienced some turmoil but DD1 didn’t want to leave. The quality of teaching was a lottery (DD1 mostly got decent teachers) so we moved DD2 to a prep for 3 years. Then she went to the same school as her sister. So three years fees. If your DS wants to move, do it. DD doesn’t want to. Fair enough. DD1 didn’t want to move before going to the junior school so we stuck with it.

I would make sure you reevaluate at secondary. This is when big fees kick in.

DC are now adults but yes, DS (the younger one) went to a very good private school and DD went to a Grammar school that was probably harder to get into. There was no jealousy - each was getting the educational experience they needed. To assuage any guilt feelings we might have had we paid for DDs MA but DS funded himself.

If you can afford it, I would do independent for both. Its a fallacy that bright children do well anywhere. If your state option is mediocre your daughter may very well benefit from a private education if the private school is a good one.

I had an elder one in state and younger one in private - for very specific reasons - for KS3 & 4, although one had left KS4 before the other started KS3 and they mightn't have gone to the same state school anyway. The elder one understood at the time that we did each unto their needs at the time and gave them other opportunities and support around the state education, but at the end of the day, the private one did cost the family a lot more money.

We made sure we supported the elder one a lot in other ways e.g. uni and when starting a business, certainly didn't scrimp on that, and we had the wider family on the same page to balance things out as fairly as possible. By happenstance, they ended up going to the same college for A-levels and both did well there in very different subjects.

I've always told mine that the principle is to be equal over the span of their childhoods/early adulthoods until they are established, and that that can be delivered in terms of money, other benefits in kind (didn't put it like that at the time obviously), and time, but that they are very different people as well as being different ages so this equality will not be able to be achieved by doing exactly the same for each at a specific age and may not work out exactly the same in terms of money spent, in particular.

Might be harder to manage if the one in state is younger, and if they are close in age, and even moreso if they are also the same sex, but if the dialogue is kept open and certain principles reinforced in an age- and ability-appropriate way, I think you'll be okay. It is common for siblings to go to different schools - I know a family of 3 of ages 11, 12 & 14 who will have them in 3 different secondary schools as of September (London).

We have two children, one in private the other in state, we gave both the option to chose which school they wanted to attend. It works fine, there are slight differences in holidays and then there’s driving to two different schools when needed which can complicate things sometimes.
I admit if both children had chosen private it would have limited us in some ways financially but not were we would have been stretched but we’d also saved over a long period which if your DD is a few years younger is doable.

I had this. I chose my children's schools based on what approach suited them best. My child in public school got one of the top scores in the country at the end. My child in private school we sent more for the values that suited him at the time. After a while their academic focus in later years didn't suit so much, so we moved him to a public school with a greater trades focus. As long as the kids understand the reason for the difference, I don't see it as a problem. They are individuals so we treated them as such.

My slightly younger brother went to private school, I didn't. The reasoning was in my parents opinion my brother wasn't excelling where he was.
It left me feeling like I wasn't worth the money. I can understand ( just about) now why they did it, but didn't understand then - just had this underlying feeling that they didn't care as much about how well I'd do - I was in a very average state school and came out with poor to average grades.
Even now I regularly have it rubbed in my face how successful my brother has been in life. It's hard not to feel a bit resentful!

Personally I swore I'd never use private schools if I couldn't afford to put all of my children through the system.

I don't but would do it if I needed to- and could afford the one place.
I have several one siblings- we all went to state schools except one
That one went to a private school that specialised in dyslexia.
My sister and I were very academic and found school easy and the others found school much harder.

None of us resented the one who had private school- it was what he needed (could not read by year 3). People need different things our parents could barely afford to send the one child and it put them into debt. We were not silly- we knew they could only afford it once and he was the one who needed it. Children can understand that.
I know for me, I would much prefer that my sibling can now read and write, doesn't feel like a failure and can work now, than I got to go to a fancy school.
The rest of us have all done fine.

I agree with @familyissues12345 that it’s not a good idea. I was the younger child in this situation, who wasn’t privately educated. It felt like I wasn’t valued as much as my older brother. I’d have loved to have had a private education. It’s left me feeling a bit resentful to be honest.

I did this. DC2 had some learning difficulties so went to private from Year 4 through 7. Meanwhile DC1 was in Year 6, so last year of primary school, and refused to leave his mates (we live in an 11+ area, the test is taken in September and thereafter Year 6 and SATS aren’t really any parents focus).

Every term I asked DC1 if he wanted to go to private school and he categorically didn’t. In fact in Year 7 we took him to look around an all boys private as his grades were slipping and it was the kick up the arse he needed to work & improve his grades and stay in state.

Meanwhile, DC2 flourished at a single sex school. Had the time, space and support to get to grips with their difficulties. DC2 got pretty fed up with the early morning starts (coach journey to school), longer school day and decided to take 12+ and join sibling at Grammar.

I absolutely don’t regret moving DC2 to private as it helped them so much. I wouldn’t do anything differently if I had to do it all over again.

It’s very common to have children in different schools and that is fine as long as they are both in the school that is best for them - that you’ve chosen the schools carefully on the basis of the child’s needs. But this doesn’t sound like what you are proposing, which is that one will benefit from the extras of private school but the other will be ‘fine’ in a mediocre school because she’s clever! Awful reasoning imo- effectively punishing her for being clever. It’s not the same as choosing state for her because it will suit her better. Also be aware, and I’m going to be blunt here, that they may end up socially different- different accents and ‘class’ if you do this (not definitely, but certainly possible). We had friends who did this, child that was perceived as needier went private - now a chino wearing posh boy, other child at inadequate state in a rough catchment fell in with the ne’er-do-wells, and is now an unemployed, troubled person stuck on benefits. From 11 they have existed in radically different social environments, one insulated and surrounded by privilege, the other left to fend for himself. It’s been heartbreaking to see and the brothers have no relationship.

I was the older child in this situation in a state school. Made me feel as if I wasn’t good enough. Seemed just yet another thing of where I was in the pecking order and added to my psychological state in a very negative way.

My parents did this with my younger sibling - I was very academic and was in state the whole way through whereas my sibling was exactly as you describe (being invisible/was no trouble so completely fell under the radar) so was moved at about 6 years old until 16. Didn't bother me in the slightest! Really hope it works out for you all x

If you think the private school is a better option then of course you can't send one and not the other!