Do you have one child in state and one in private?

[Heatherbell1978]

We're currently planning to send DS to private school for P6 (he's P4 now) for various reasons but mainly due to concerns with his progress post-Covid.

Although we can afford it, sending DD will be a stretch although we'd have around 5 years of DS there alone before paying 2 sets of fees and we have a plan in place for that. We wouldn't send DD until S1.

But they're quite different kids. DS is your classic 'invisible middle' child who we worry will fall under the radar so private will help him but DD, although just P1, is way ahead and shows signs of being pretty academic so will no doubt do well in state or private.

Makes me think that we could end up in a situation where one is private and one in state (although we'd give DD the option and assess closer to the time). Just wondering if this is common and what your DC think if this is the case?

@Meadowfly "We had friends who did this, child that was perceived as needier went private - now a chino wearing posh boy, other child at inadequate state in a rough catchment fell in with the ne’er-do-wells, and is now an unemployed, troubled person stuck on benefits. From 11 they have existed in radically different social environments, one insulated and surrounded by privilege, the other left to fend for himself. It’s been heartbreaking to see and the brothers have no relationship."

🤣🤣Is this real or the plot synopsis of a Victorian novel? Thackeray, perhaps?

I wouldn't send one and not the other unless there is a really compelling additional educational need. As you say, it's not really the done thing in Scotland to do that due to the lack of other options.

You say your state secondary is mediocre at best. You will really notice a contrast in the 2, even with day to day things, that will grate on you. Behaviour/disruption in class, responsiveness of school to any queries/issues, as well as the obvious ones of class sizes and facilities.

I also wouldn't base decision on whether a young child's "wants" to go. They have no other experience than the school they're in, just want to stay with their friends, and don't realise they will make new friends at secondary anyway and likely drift away from those from primary. If you, as s family, decide they are going private for secondary, then you prepare them for that through primary, regularly discussing the school they'll go to and all the positives, just like you did for them starting primary. There's never any discussion about the state secondary if they're not going to go there. That's what I, and most of my friends did and the children just accepted the transition as normal.

Curlew, sadly it’s real. And desperately sad, the boy that went to the state school felt totally rejected and worthless (parents couldn’t see this), lots of anger and difficult behaviour at home - to the parents further evidence that he was at the right school, with other people like him. Left home asap, sofa surfed, lived in squats… just awful. All the while his brother getting extra support for dyslexia at a very ‘nice’ school eventually started to look down on him as a ‘loser’. And the parents took the private school boys ‘nice’ behaviour as proof that he was at the right school and would have been wasted on his bother. I can’t bring my self to speak to the parents any more, such different treatment.

And please don’t let your children bear the weight of making such a big decision when they are 10! Take their feelings into consideration but be clear that you will choose as you are the adults and have the the experience, and you will try to choose what is best for them.

This is very much my husband's feelings, he was unhappy at his state school, but was never given the choice of private. His siblings were educated privately and went on to uni, DH didn't. He very much felt he wasn't valued or seen as intelligent (despite passing his 11+ etc).

Ours have all gone to state schools. Dd's is appalling and I admit to some guilt that we have disadvantaged her. We couldn't afford private regardless. But the inequality between schools is shocking.

Personally I would never send one and not the other. It's not just about academics. Also whilst I would discuss with a child and would never make them go if they were adamant, I would not leave the decision to them. They are children, they do not have the decision making skills and thorough understanding to do this. You are the parent.

I agree with @cosmiccosmos. My ex went to private school and his sister chose not to. Whilst it was her decision at the time (she wanted to go where her friends went), when she grew up she resented the fact that she didn't go and he did. I don't think it's a decision that a 10/11 year old is able to make.

My parents tried to convince us to put DS1 through private school as he was academically able and they thought he would excel further this way. DS2 struggles academically and we couldn't have afforded to put them both through.

I told my parents that neither would be going as we can't afford them both (but will be helping DS2 with extra tutoring etc), and actually if we did choose to put one in, we would have put DS2 to give him a better chance and evening up with his brother. I didn't say why we felt like that, but I think it did make them think about what they did with my brother and I. I felt that they gave up on me, my Dad in particular is obsessed with high grades and thought I'm not going to get them so why bother, personally I think if you're going to choose to put one child in, you'd choose the one who will struggle more at state school

In all honesty I don’t think your reasons are strong enough to send one and not the other especially after you said this: ‘it's either go to the state school or pay private and depending on your state that's quite a difference (ours is mediocre at best)’.

I don’t subscribe to the ‘bright kids do well anywhere’ school or thought. I was that bright child in a crappy school and I did well but I don’t doubt I’d have had a nicer experience in a private school surrounded by other children who were keen and engaged in learning. I also think you have to look quite carefully into whether the school sets or not. The local comp in my area does not set at all other than maths from y9. Unless that changes I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole for my bright children.

Thanks for the responses - food for thought and I'd hate DD to grow up thinking we'd favoured DS over her so I think we save up and plan on her going too. My own family dynamic is probably an influence - 4 of us, we all went to state school but lived in a very posh area where we were the only kids that did. I was the 'invisible middle' like DS and did well but very much despite my school not because of it and honestly think I could have got straight As and been more sporty with more encouragement. Brothers however did get straight As - they remind me of DD. Very academic and would have done well anywhere. But to be fair my state school was probably better than the one in my catchment.

Sorry I fundamentally disagree with this. Because although the outcomes may be equal, the opportunities were not. What could a bright state school kid have achieved for themselves if given the opportunities granted to the one who got enrolled because they needed more support?
I'm in my 40s now but I saw this play out with friends who had a sibling in private. It's led to life long resentments and issues around parents always trying to catch up the offer with the one who didn't go.

Many prep schools are £6000 a term. If you cannot send both, send neither. How can you square that expense with the other child? It’s a massive difference for not a huge gain academically perhaps but a big gain in many other areas. So the private child is win win all the way, but possibly at the expense of the other child if all the money has gone and how can a small child understand the consequences?

I don't know if its common but I know people who've done it. They had a child who was struggling in state school and needed smaller classes and more support in part because of SEN.

I think kids do understand if there is a really good reason. I also know some who sent some kids to Grammar school and then those who didn't get into grammar to non-selective private schools.

However, I think it possibly can create resentment if the thinking is easy to explain.