My first parents evening for dd 4.10 - Totally negative - feeling like a really crap mother!! Please help !!

[onefootinthegravy]

Hi, I know my dd is not an angel she's very outgoing and sociable and has a tendency to be abrupt sometimes. But one the whole she's a good kid, bright and funny.
Anyway after parents evening I am totally depressed. After over running my 10 minute appointment by double, I was reeling when I come out from the barrage of negative comments from her teacher, nothing postive was said what so ever. Comments included -;
She is so hard to teach, she has terrible concentration levels.
She is very defeatist, if she finds something too hard she will go off and find something more interesting to do.
She can't seem to do anthing for herself, I don't know if she's just lazy.
Unfortunately she is in the bottom set for everthing, not because of her ability but because she needs more one to one, simply because she can't be trusted to complet a task on her own.
I fear for her in the future - its 90% play and 10% work at the moment, I'm not sure what she'll be like when the work gets harder.

Now I do lots of work with DD at home and she's fine as long as you praise her to the hilt, she hates getting things wrong and this is when she'll switch off so I have to constantly remind her that everyone gets things wrong, mummy did all the time etc - I've already let the teacher know all this in the past.

I asked the teacher at parents evening what more I could do to help and was told I was doing everything I could at home - I have a sticker chart and rewards scheme going for her school work.

So I've come away feeling like my DD is a lost cause

She's only 4 FGS - surely most children at this age have difficulty sticking to one thing???

Sorry its long, but needed a rant !!

She's 4!

Is there another class that she could be transferred to? The teacher sounds so negative, that it makes me wonder if some of that negativity is transferring itself to your DD and its all becoming a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Children tend to work better with teachers that they like (or at least admire) and most importantly, teachers that they feel like them. I'd whip her out of that class tbh.

Have you spoken to some of the other mums? You might be suprised how many of the others have had similar comments. I hear so much of this from primary school teachers. My friend's ds has just started reception and she has already been called in twice because he is such a problem-child. He is only 4 too. My experience of primary school teachers is really bad. Luckily my friends with older children say secondary teachers much better.can't wait!

TBH I only introduced the sticker chart because the teacher had already told be about 2 months ago that my DD was just not trying. She would only try and do something if she knew she could, anything remotely hard and she would switch off and get annoyed. So I had a chat with DD and basically she hates getting things wrong, she is the type of child that wants to be immediately good at something otherwise she just is not interested - So we had a long chat about getting things wrong, and the fact that it didn't matter - Mummy used to get things wrong all the time etc The most important thing is you try your best etc
I really have tried not to put pressure on her - The sticker chart was for trying and not for what she got right/wrong - We only spend about 10 mins a day - I really don't push her at all - but she is a child that really need encouragement and she is very hard on herself if she gets things wrong

the really sad thing is you ecome as tough as old boots by the time they are 15 - you attend parents evening sand pointedly say " and any positive comments?"

my kids arn't angels nd i havent got rose tints here

but it comes to something when i start crying when my son aged 7 recieved positive comments from a teacher - having not recieved any before.

ther i such a thing as "sandwiching" negative comments to let a person know that there are good things bad things and end with a good thing.

I also told the teacher all about this in the form of a letter.

How about going into class to read or help out just to see for yourself if all the other 4 year-olds are working really hard with steely determination and concentration. I bet you lots of money they are not!

Well, Mumsnet is 100% behind your dd! It is obvious to all of us that the problem is not with her but with the teacher. She seems to have no understanding of how normal healthy 4 yos behave. Don't let her influence how you treat dd at home. Only do sticker charts etc if you feel this is the right approach for your child.

Having said this, sometimes if the teacher are trying to sort out even a minor problem at parents evening, they can become so focused on that that they forget to tell you about the positive things that are going on. We had the first positive meeting with a teacher of dd's last term- and she's 11! And yet this is a well-behaved, hardworking, intelligent, mature child who is in top sets for all subjects and gets on with everybody. But every single teacher in the past has focused on her one problem- poor attendance record due to health issues- and forgotten to mention those other minor little details...

I bet there are LOTS of positive things the teacher could say about your dd, if she (teacher) could only get her act together.

Oh how I hate the education system for little ones in this country. Worried for the future of a 4 year old!

Bottom set in a reception class!

I want to weep!

Take no notice of the silly cow- she has no business teaching little ones. Can DD be transferred into another reception class?

If she is this negative with you it makes you wonder how negative she is with the kiddies. "She is very defeatest"- not surprised if she is already being made to feel a failure!
"She is hard to teach" yup she's 4 they are the hardest. How much experience has this woman got with reception?

I would definitely make an appointment to see the head teacher. What is the rest of the school like?

She sounds a real negative old crone. You carry on being positive to your child, try not to let this get to you - it's no good to anyone being made to feel like this.

Ride it out till nect year. And if you can't and get caught in another negative conversation, ask her directly if you could hear a few positives because you find it hard to accept your child is always so difficult at school. Not in a jokey way, just ask directly.

It's a really good school on the whole, with a good reputation, great preschool and good results. Can't move her as its a small school only one class per year - its quite hard to get into too - I don't want move her, have heard the teacher next year i really good - but then thats what I heard about this one - I really do wonder whether she dislikes my dd

Yes there are some kids teachers do sometimes clash with and there are always some you like more than others, but as a professional she should be able to deal with this.

BTW just because a school gets good results doesn't necessarily make it a good school. There are so many more things to consider besides SATs scores, ofsted and league tables, such as creating a nurturing and caring atmosphere for little ones. Doesn't sound like this school fulfils that criteria at all.

TBH This has all come as a bit as a shock - DD does enjoy school, has made loads of friends and seems happy - If I thought, for a minute she was not happy I seriously would think twice - She has told me, she dislikes the teacher 'because she tells me what to do all the time' up until now I thought this was just DD being DD! I think I'm going to ride it out til next year, in the mean time I need to speak to her and ask her how we can try and help dd.

The school probably gets good results by this very attitude. Making them "work" so much, and actually expecting the mum to do the teaching, because DD "is hard to teach". Of course it's hard to teach 4 year olds. (especially the clever ones funnily enough). That's why teaching is a professional job.
I think it's such a shame that they differentiate between work and play so obviously at this age. Shouldn't it all be fun?

I am shocked - sets in reception!

Ds is the same age as your dd and has similar problems. Fortunately for me his teacher is not the monster you describe.

I have talked at length to her and because ds gers frustrated very easliy, we currently set very small tasks for him that he can complete within his short attention span and praise him to the skies when he does well. The idea is that the tasks will gradually become longer and ds will never feel discouraged.

How can you label a child at 4? Also for what its worth, teacher (and most other people) think ds's short attention span is in part attributable to him being very bright, so far from fearing from his future, everyone expects great things of him.

Do not let this woman upset you! She is in the wrong here.

onefootinthegravy - your post is so spookily similar to what's happening to ds, he's a boy though and slightly younger, he's 4.6.

Teacher has been incredibly negative, and when I have asked to talk to her again she has even suggested that ds might be SN!

When asked her to be more positive and encouraging with him, she declined to comment.

I have been using the reward chart with ds, but to convince him to tell me what's going on at school and it was heart breaking to see him break down in tears, saying that he's good at nothing, that his teacher doesn't like the way he writes his name

(he used to form one of the letters capital instead of lower case- something I have found out by talking to him, teacher had just said "he cannot even write his name!)

We have corrected this now at home, with lots of praise and he actually now enjoys writing his name.

re sets in reception, they also have them at ds school and not surprisingly teacher has moved him to lowest table.

He came to me the other day and said:
I am so stupid to be sitting at that table, I am good at nothing! I want to be with the smart kids.....

Words that nobody at home has ever said, I didn't even know they did that in reception- so my gut feeling is that there is some bullying going on.

I am now thinking of having a word with the head....

I'm shocked as well, what teacher is actually saying is "I can only teach in one style, this style does not suit your child" and instead of trying a different approach she has blamed the child!
Just terrible!
My DD is not a rote learner and will not sit and be "told" but prefers to go off and find out for herself, this is her learning style. I steamed into school open days and said "how will you cope with DD learning style?" and chose the school that gave the best answer.
Ask the teacher how she motivates children who don't respond to her first attempts...or ask the head to move your child to a class with a teacher who suits your child's learning style.

The fact your dd is happy to go to school everyday,and joins in with other children, she is doing all that should be expected of her at 4.

The children should not be setted in reception - how can they be? We don't set in secondary sometimes until year 8.

How many children in the class? How many Teaching Assistants? Is it state or private? How long has this teacher been teaching?

If your DD needs more one on one attention, then the school should provide a TA to help her. It sounds to me like your DD has had a telling off for not getting something right, and now won't play any more for fear of being told off again, especially if she felt humiliated in front of the whole class...and yes unfortunately, it does happen.

Also, if she is only 4, when in the year was she born. If she's a summer birthday, then she will be one of the youngest in the class, and they do sometimes have a hard time in keeping up until they get older. Either take her out if that is the case, and put her in again next academic year, or see if she has to go in full time.

Children have a short enough childhood these days with all the pressures on them, and I don't see why she should be able to keep up and concentrate all day at four. Some of my year 11s and sixth formers find it hard enough!

Don't get down - she'll be fine. Children develop at different times and rates, which the teacher should damn well know and allow for if she's any kind of professional. What is important is that this woman doesn't turn her off learning, as that is a battle that is then very hard to win later (just had it in year 6, and am only beginning to get there half way through year 7). It's surprising how all the children level out by about year 9-10; and although I know we all stress about it, perhaps we shouldn't so much, as the kids pick up on it. I'm worst than most, being a teacher myself. I have to stop myself checking his homework before it's handed in!!

at crap/insensitive teacher

dd, when in recep, also lost interest if she found things 'hard' or made 'mistakes'. I struggled to know how to handle this and raised it with her (fab) teacher who said, 'Oh yes, this is so common, you often see it in children who are quite able and who aren't used to finding things difficult.' She suggested that when DD said/wailed 'I've made a mistake!' and prepared to huff off, we should intercept and say, 'look, don't worry, it's only practising'

she said the words you use as in, 'don't worry, it's just a little mistake', or 'everyone gets things wrong from time to time' can knock confidence at this age. They just hear the negative rather than the encouragement (hence another reason to spit at your dd's teacher).

I think it's a reception thing, dd is a year older and over it now. She has got to grips with the idea that some things are harder and isn't so defeated by them.

Again, curses on your dd's witch teacher.

Thanks for all your kind words - I am going to speak to her after half term. I know after today of 3 other mums who also had no positive feedback whatsoever, so it's not just my dd which is a relief !
Scary teacher she's in a state school in a class of 30 with one TA. I think she's been teaching about 30 years

Sounds bad. But it's much better to know she's bottom at everything and be doing something about it than not knowing. Does she have something like ADD or dylexia for example? Does she get enough exercise and sleep? Is her diet okay?

May be 2 or 3 younger siblings might do her good.

Xenia, you really made me laugh with your second paragraph.

Surely there's at least an eighteen month lead time on that one, or is there a rapid adoption procedure onefootinthegravy can use? And isn't there always going to be a youngest child, unless you continue indefinitely?

It sounds as if the teacher is not talented enough to engage her.

Any child, no matter how bright, can get switched off to education.

If the teacher has been teaching that long then she should know better!

Sometimes older teachers get set in their ways and teach as if by rote. Does she have any idea of your DDs learning style? How does she address that, and try to use that to get DD going with some activities? It also sounds like more TAs are needed in that class.

You do need to tackle this, otherwise your DD could have a confidence problem.Also it's worth checking as tactfully as you can if your DD has become this lady's whipping boy for the class. My DS had this with his year 6 teacher last year. She is renowned for it, and my lad went from being bright, curious, and outgoing to withdrawn, refusing school and not wanting to engage with school or homework as 'it'll only be wrong anyway.' Eventually resolved, but with much tact, diplomacy and gritted teeth on my side. Your DD is only 4 and should be playing, not hitting government targets, which are probably at the root of the problem anyway.

I am utterly outraged at the concept of "bottom sets" in Reception! Surely most schools don't do this?