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Original poster

My first parents evening for dd 4.10 - Totally negative - feeling like a really crap mother!! Please help !!

54 replies

onefootinthegravy · 13/02/2008 09:31

Hi, I know my dd is not an angel she's very outgoing and sociable and has a tendency to be abrupt sometimes. But one the whole she's a good kid, bright and funny.
Anyway after parents evening I am totally depressed. After over running my 10 minute appointment by double, I was reeling when I come out from the barrage of negative comments from her teacher, nothing postive was said what so ever. Comments included -;
She is so hard to teach, she has terrible concentration levels.
She is very defeatist, if she finds something too hard she will go off and find something more interesting to do.
She can't seem to do anthing for herself, I don't know if she's just lazy.
Unfortunately she is in the bottom set for everthing, not because of her ability but because she needs more one to one, simply because she can't be trusted to complet a task on her own.
I fear for her in the future - its 90% play and 10% work at the moment, I'm not sure what she'll be like when the work gets harder.

Now I do lots of work with DD at home and she's fine as long as you praise her to the hilt, she hates getting things wrong and this is when she'll switch off so I have to constantly remind her that everyone gets things wrong, mummy did all the time etc - I've already let the teacher know all this in the past.

I asked the teacher at parents evening what more I could do to help and was told I was doing everything I could at home - I have a sticker chart and rewards scheme going for her school work.

So I've come away feeling like my DD is a lost cause

She's only 4 FGS - surely most children at this age have difficulty sticking to one thing???

Sorry its long, but needed a rant !!

OP posts:
FairyMum · 13/02/2008 09:32

Yes she sounds normal!

Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2008 09:34

I'm not suprised you were upset,,,sounds like a crap teacher

McDreamylove · 13/02/2008 09:35

Only 4! I would expect her education to be 90% play and 10% work, poor little thing. I think the teacher has been very harsh with her comments here "I fear for her in the future" What a thing to say!

She must have some good points, I'm afraid I don't think much of her teachers communication skills if she couldn't come up with a single positive thing to say about your DD.

Sounds like you do loads with her...more than some parents do I expect. You are NOT a crap mum.

Did the teacher discuss a plan of action to resolve the issues she has with your DD?

Original poster
onefootinthegravy · 13/02/2008 09:39

Not really, TBH I was so gobsmacked but the whole thing that was something that didn't come up - I should have asked her what she was doing about it. She just said this was why my dd was in the bottom set for everything so she'll get more one to one.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 13/02/2008 09:43

The thing is though it's not too late

take the weekend to think about things and write things down

make another meeting with the teacher and go through what you want to say and make sure she has an action plan

I do wonder what kind of reception class can be this work-focused though? it sounds rather odd for 4 year olds to have these expectations thrust upon them .. I don't think you're being unreasonable to be pissed off at all

smugmumofboys · 13/02/2008 09:44

What a terribly dispiriting experience for you. I think that you should probably make an appointment with the teacher to ask her what her plan of action is. You don't need to wait until the next parents' evening.

Hallgerda · 13/02/2008 09:54

I've had a parents' night like that, onefootinthegravy. Please don't say you're rubbish, because if you are, I am too. My DS3 (who had a parents' night like that in Year 1) is now in Year 4 and doing fine.

You're absolutely right that you should get the teacher to say what she is going to do about the situation - as others have suggested, think through your ideas, make notes then go and talk to her again.

It might be worth trying to encourage your DD to be rather more independent at home (which might involve you doing rather less with her). Backing off a bit might also help if tiredness is a contributory factor to the concentration lapses.

juuule · 13/02/2008 09:55

It sounds like your dd has more sense than the teacher.
Why would you carry on with something you find to hard when there might be something more interesting to do...when you are 4.
90% play and 10% work? So that's 100% work as play is work for 4yos.

Get your thoughts together and make an appt to see the teacher again and let her know how she made you feel. Hopefully, she isn't giving the same message to your dd.

Original poster
onefootinthegravy · 13/02/2008 09:56

Yes, I will do that - It's the last day of school today until after half term so I'll use that time to think about what I going to say to her.
After speaking to some of her friends mums - some seem to have had quite a positive experience ! Although there are 3 of us all of whom didn't get a single positive comment I just get the impression she dislikes my dd

OP posts:
Buda · 13/02/2008 09:58

FGS! She's only 4!

Isn't reception meant to start out 80%play/20%work and by the end of the year be reversed?

When my DS was in reception he was totally uninterested in the academic stuff. The teacher herself said she wasn't pushing him as she didn't want to put him off (and she is not a great teacher!).

Not surprised you feel so bad.

LadyMuck · 13/02/2008 10:01

Just in terms of teacher-parent management this seems so very odd. Even if your child was the worst, most disruptive child in the school's history, you wouldn't expect to hear about like this for the first time at a parents evening. And also the total lack of positive statements is quite concerning. I wonder whether this says more about the teacher than it does the pupil?

Agree with everyone else. Mull it over and go back to the teacher to work out an action plan. If the teacher seems unwilling/unable to make suggestions then probably time to talk to the head.

Twiglett · 13/02/2008 10:03

onefott .. personally I would call her tomorrow and arrange the meeting and tell her you were surprised at the totality of the negativity and now you would like to hear some action points on what she is going to do in the classroom to improve the situation

do not get drawn into discussing it now 'no, I'd like the half-term to think about it, shall we meet on tues when we get back?' kind of thing

that way, she has to think it through too

lush007 · 13/02/2008 10:04

Wow I am stunned, what a negative teacher you have there. I don't blame you for feeling so low, I would be as well. Your daughter is not a lost cause, remember she is only 4 not 30 years old.
I would definately make another appointment to speak to the teacher. Could you take your partner, best mate or mum with you for support?

{{{Sending you a massive cyber hug}}}

lush007 · 13/02/2008 10:05

...I wonder whether this says more about the teacher than it does the pupil?

Totally agree LadyMuck...

McDreamylove · 13/02/2008 10:06

Good advice Twiglett. Take control of the situation, be assertive, make her think about it and come up with a course of action with full parental support....of course. She is, after all, the professional!!!!

Chin up!

Bramshott · 13/02/2008 10:06

Surely every first parents evening should be positive unless there is a really, really serious problem (and none of what the teacher has said counts as that at 4 surely) - they are just getting to know your child, and your child is just getting to know the school. Blimey! I would be with the school. As someone else has said, arrange another meeting with the teacher when you've had a chance to think. Do they really have 'sets' in Reception?

potxola · 13/02/2008 10:08

Hi , You need to talk to the teacher ASAP.
I am a language teacher, not working at the moment. and a mother of a 3.6 yr old son.
Your daughter is only 4 and she will be ok. What she does not need, is a teacher making her feel there is something wrong whith her, just because she is not like the rest. At that age we are all learning to adapt to different situations and tasks.We are all different. And yes it is challenging for a teacher, but her job, is to see what your daughter is good at and through PRAISE give the confidence she needs to be better at everything else. If your daughter feels she is disappointing the teacher, she would give up and try to attract her attention misbehaving.
Go and demand the teacher to change her attitude towards your daughter and start praising her, making her feel she is able do the tasks at hand.
Hope it helps.
You are a good mother, she is just not being a teacher. What a comment: "she is difficult to teach" Go and tell her what you think.We are all behind you.

emandjules · 13/02/2008 10:11

that is so unconstructive. I would turn it round on the teacher like other posters said. She is the teacher and if she states that there are these probs, it is her and school's job to do something about it.

Criticism should be constructive. My dd can be a nightmare due to her special needs but the teacher always put a positive spin on things

Marne · 13/02/2008 10:15

Don't be upset she's only 4. This is the reason why i think kid's start school too early, at this age most would rather be playing than learning.

Dd1 starts school in september, she loves learning at home but i think she will find it hard in a classroom.

Original poster
onefootinthegravy · 13/02/2008 10:29

Wow, thanks everyone for your support - yes I will go and talk to the teacher - TBH DD is an only child so this is all new territory for me - but you're right I need to go and speak about my concerns. I wonder whether she is a bit 'old school' as I think she has been teaching about 30 years - but then she should know better.

OP posts:
ptangyangkipperbang · 13/02/2008 10:34

When DS1 was in reception we had a parents eve just like this. Many parents were in floods of tears afterwards as she made comments that some children were socially inadequate, unable to make friends, out of control, etc. Any pupils that seemed to be showing any ability were labelled as having aspergers because "a 4 year old can't possibly be that good with numbers".
DS1 came out of it relatively well. Her criticism was "he's a bit slow with his colouring so at home show him the clock and tell him when he needs to finish his picture by"
All you want to know at this stage is that they have a couple of friends and can find the toilet.
So many parents were upset that she was sent on some kind of communications course.
Pleased to report DS1 is now in year 5 and all the children she criticised are perfectly normal

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 10:37

What an appalling teacher! Many teachers might think those things in a bleak moment but they should never say them out loud... especially to the parents. Because nothing is ever so 100% negative. And any teacher who writes off a child by 'fearing for the future' in reception needs to rethink her career IMO.

needmorecoffee · 13/02/2008 10:38

Good grief, fancy labelling a child at 4
My dd (now 16) was given those labels and it turned out she was too bright for the school and she didn't finsh tasks etc cos she was BORED. So I home educated her and at 13 she won an academic scholarship to a posh school.
Sounds like a stupid teacher. And unfortuantely, labels follow a child through school and become a self fulfilling prohecy.

VanillaPumpkin · 13/02/2008 10:44

I am shocked and saddened by what you have described. How awful for you and your dd. I would certainly hope that she is playing more than working . To have such negative comments is crippling without any positive.
I am waiting for my dd1's first parents evening at the end of the month. (She started in Jan). I have already had comments that she comes to school to see her friends, however this was not presented in a negative way, just factual. I pointed out that the promise of seeing her friends was what got her into school each day and dd's teacher laughed and agreed.
Reception should be all about getting them used to school and the routine and rules imo with much less focus on the 'work' . They are still so young.
I agree with what Twiglett said. Give yourself some breathing space and see the teacher again for her plan of action.

hanaflower · 13/02/2008 10:44

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