Not sure what to do here, regarding DD’s education

[CutiePatooties]

Hi guys,

I am after a bit of advice please.

DD started year 1 in September and we had a parent consultation in November, where her teacher told us that she is very capable but her behaviour is a problem (constant talking/distracting herself and others, etc). The teacher went on to say that she will have to be ‘more strict’ with her due to this, in order to help her achieve her potential. I agreed with this and said I am all for DD understanding that her actions have consequences- i.e- missing break time to finish her work if she’s not cooperating during the lesson, etc. We apologised for her distracting others, had a talk with her about the importance of behaving at school and even took her computer away for a week as some form of consequence that we could follow through with at home.

fast forward to a mid-year report, where she’s graded at expected in all areas but the recommendation to move her to greater depth would be for her ‘to be more focussed,’ and this was put down as a recommendation for us as parents to follow. I was wracking my brains with how to achieve this… so I told her whenever she has a good day at school (they hand out stickers), I would tick it on our chart at home and if she got 3 ticks in a week, we would reward her with a treat. This worked some weeks, but then she came home with no stickers and we wasn’t sure if she’d stopped caring about the rewards or if school had run out of stickers (HAHA!)

anyway, we had another parent consultation yesterday and both of us are now at a loss for what WE can do at home. Her teacher said the exact same things that she said in November. DD is bright, clever, capable, can reach greater depth if she stops chatting to others, stops getting up from her seat and distracting others and starts listening to input. Teacher mentioned she has her sat right under her nose during input, yet DD still doesn’t listen- fidgets on the carpet, touches/talks to others, loudest in the class, doesn’t finish her work, etc. Teacher said she gives DD countless warnings when she should only be giving one warning really, so I said ‘just give her one warning then,’ as I started to become exasperated with it all. I mentioned again that if she’s distracting others then this is terrible and if she needs to miss break time, or sit away from other pupils and work on her own, etc then we are on board with that. Whatever will help her improve and also stop her disrupting others.

I asked her teacher if we can do anything to help and she just kept repeating what DD’s behaviour is like, instead of telling us what we can do to help the situation.

I suppose I’m on here to ask:
1- what can we do as parents to help DD focus more in class/improve her behaviour?
2- am I right in thinking that if her behaviour was stopping her from being at greater depth in November, that it should’ve been dealt with by March?

we have a good relationship with her teacher and do not want to ruin that and also don’t want to complain or cause an issue if there’s nothing really to worry about. On the other hand, we are a bit annoyed to find out that her behaviour is still an issue and holding her back from meeting her potential. The annoying thing is, she doesn’t display these behaviours at home. She whizzes through homework without a complaint, asks to read to me, sits down at the dining table going over number bonds, etc. She seems to want to do the work at home, then play/mess around at school and I wish it was the other way around!

any help/advice would be GRATEFULLY appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Perhaps start punishing bad behaviour - all the evidence suggest that rewarding good behaviour is a better strategy than punishment.

OP - please do not follow the advice to punish, especially as some of what we might see as bad behaviour is often simply a child behaving as a child, rather than an adult.

Do not do this if there's any chance she might be neurodiverse. My ASD DD responds really well to rewards but punishment just makes it worse - although that may have been because the school's usual behaviour policy involved taking break times away,

This sounds just like the school reports I used to get at that age! I do sometimes wonder as an adult if I do have ADHD; however the long and short of it at school was that I was bored. I got moved up a year group and apparently it all resolved itself. I left that school and joined the kids in year 3 and was basically the class genius for a year as I'd done it all before but it all settled down when I could control my own behaviour more 😂

Said by someone who hasn’t got a clue.

No way.

Someone who could potentially do GD work is not at this point.

Posters complaining about the teacher are missing the point. A teacher with a class of 30 cannot make an individualised curriculum for one child.

Please seek support from the school and GP and investigate the potential for ADHD.

I find posters implying the teacher is not up to the job really rubbish.

The government expects Year 1 children to complete the curriculum which includes a certain amount of sitting, listening and working.

I would just give her time… She is still young and who cares if she gets greater depth or not in year 1!

Things you could do to stretch her is sign her up to maths websites and get her to write her own stories using good punctuation and adjectives. Before writing get her to make up stories and plan them out, orally.
Maybe do puzzles, encourage her to read, learn an instrument, play chess - focussed activities.

I have 2 DDs - one September born and always a teacher pleaser from the start. Always greater depth and trying to impress the teacher and write 10 x more and extend herself. She is very bright but so is my other DD who was a lot more like yours in Year 1. She turned out just fine as she matured. One thing I did notice about her compared to my other DCs is that she didn’t read as much quietly at an early age. The others all read from Year 1. She was more fidgety and always wanted attention so a class of 31 just didn’t really work for her at that age; but by Year 3 she had matured and caught up.

@Intergalacticcatharsis Thank you for the tips about stretching her, much appreciated.

with DD it isn’t related to reading, though. She could sound out/blend at the age of 4, then after a term in reception has been able to sight read (read fluently). Her teacher said she will have finished the books in the yr1 scheme before yr1 ends. She mentioned that as DD can read fluently, she’ll read a question and start doing her work before others, but will not finish her work as she soon becomes disruptive and goes off-task. This is something definitely related to her focus, which is why her teacher mentioned this as something for us to help with at home.

It could just be that she hasn’t matured yet, but I feel like we should be doing something to try and help her, which in turn will help her teacher and her peers if she’s become that much of a disruption.

@Sherrystrull I’ve ordered some sensory aids and will contact the GP tomorrow. If she hasn’t got ADHD then at least I’ve checked and will have more information, so can take things from there. I’ve emailed the school asking to speak with her teacher and the SENCO.

I read up on ADHD and as I found that it tends to run in families, I checked symptoms in adults and it turns out I have most of them so I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the case with her. If it isn’t the case, then I’ll obviously still be trying to help her improve her focus anyway and she’ll have those sensory aids there to help, so can only be a bonus for her. At least I’ll know I’ve tried to do something to help.

We went to the park and she unleashed a load of energy, then we watched a film together but she really just couldn’t sit still through it. She was sitting, then lying, then moved up to sit on top of the sofa and kept grabbing the remote and putting it in her mouth. When she did her homework she kept going from kneeling on the chair, to sitting in the chair. She still got through it quickly, but I could tell that she just couldn’t sit still. I’ve never paid any attention to this before, but I do wonder if she’d just wander off if I wasn’t sat next to her (might leave her on her own next week and see what she does). Obviously a teacher/TA can’t just sit with DD the whole time, so I do need to be proactive in finding a way of helping DD maintain focus without having me hovering over her.

@MrsLampard haha! I’d have loved to be the class genius 😂

@SalmonKnicks @Jules912 @Mischance I’m not going to punish her for it. I’ve already mentioned that I’m going to keep misdemeanours and sanctions at school and home separate and we have no issues at home, so there wouldn’t be any reason to punish her anyway. Definitely agree that rewarding good behaviour is far better than punishing the bad.

@Mischance you’re right about me stressing about it! Hubby and me falling out over it and I’m now just analysing everything DD does (even analysing what I’m doing/how I act etc).

The thing is, what if she has got ADHD and is really struggling with focus and having a diagnosis could get her the help she needs? What if I ignore that and she continues to struggle?

or even if she hasn’t, it’s not just a case of DD’s education being effected - she’s disrupting her classmates which isn’t good. Surely if there are things we can do to help, then we should be at least trying?

Good luck!

When I got my dd assessed for ADHD I had to take the lead as dh was in denial just saying she was badly behaved. He just didn't get my point that there had to be a reason for her behaviour. I also had to deal with school and the GP bouncing me back and forth with neither refering her for assessment. It's a lonely business when you dont have support but I wish I'd followed my instincts sooner. School now report a significant improvement in engagement now she has medication.

My DD has ADHD and was exactly as you describe age 6. Pings between hyperfocus & total lack of focus.
Life is so much less stressful with a diagnosis. Often these come in the teen years when it become vv obvious

Well, I’ve contacted the GP and she’s now on a waiting list to be assessed for ADHD.

Just had her end of term report in and she’s greater depth for reading, expected for maths, but has slipped in her writing and now working towards expected in that area.

I calmed down about not being at greater depth but now I’ve seen this report I’m worried that she’s slipped in her writing, but even more concerned that the teacher noted ‘good or excellent effort’ in each area for her last report and now has moved her down to ‘satisfactory effort’ in all areas.

the report states that if you have any questions you can arrange a meeting with the class teacher at the beginning of next term, but I’m not sure if it’s going to help at all?

I haven't read the entire thread but experience tells me that the combination of things you've mentioned is that she's bored / very high ability. I'd get her tested but if you have the time and money stretching her outside of school might help. A sport as well as a musical instrument will use mental and physical energy!

It does sound like adhd or it could also just be personality.

I think it’s a bit much for the school to be making such a big deal about it, and as much as it could be adhd it could also be a poor teacher.

kids brains don’t fully develop the ability to understand consequences at this age, and it’s disappointing that we still treat children as naughty for exploring the world around them and learning their place within it.

I wouldn’t bother trying to do more at home than teaching kindness, healthy pursuits and happiness. Maybe try and introduce some more active hobbies to burn off steam.

good luck

@Antisocialfluffmonster thank you so much! This has just continued, with her last report showing her effort has dropped and her writing level has dropped as a result.

we’ve had the teacher pass on messages that she’s been nasty to another child (not told us how/why), that she’s constantly calling out and keeps being moved to the class next door.

I requested a meeting with her teacher and she said she will put a stamp in her book when she’s had a good day, then we can reward her at home. Been doing this and it’s not made a difference- she still has days where we’re being told her behaviour is unacceptable.

It’s got to the point where her self-esteem is being effected at school. She comes home saying, ‘the teachers hate me, I have no friends, I’m stupid, I hate myself, I wish I could stay at home,’ etc. So I asked for a meeting with the pastoral lead as while I know the need for her to behave at school, I don’t want this to be at the cost of her self-esteem and sense of self. Pastoral lead was amazing and has already started the ball rolling with a reflective tool kit and asking the teacher to look for any way she can give DD positive praise to boost her. As a result, she’s had a stamp in the book every day since and no more messages about her behaviour. Seems to be helping, but I don’t want to speak to soon.

She’s on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment but GP said we could be waiting for years. I’ve got a meeting booked with the SENDCO next week.

This is my first child who has gone to school, so all of this is new to me. I’m well and truly stuck in a shitty place - DH says, ‘it’s not our problem. Why is her teacher telling us every time she calls out in class? Can’t she deal with it? It’s her job to manage her behaviour while she’s at school. I’m going to say something next time she passes on a message.’ So I have him on one side, then her teacher on the other: ‘your DD has been nasty, she called out today, she disrupts others, her effort has dropped, she’s easily distracted/away with the fairies,’ etc then DD: ‘I hate myself, I’m stupid, no one likes me, I have no friends, the teachers don’t like me, I hate school, I want to stay home,’ etc and I’m like wtf do I do here? So I’m glad I now have the pastoral lead.

sorry, I’ve really ranted! Think I needed to get it all out.

If you have the income, consider a private assessment for her. It really could make all the difference if it turns out she has adhd.
Let your dh deal with some of the school issues, if he is not accepting it is a problem fine a way to make him be more involved in it all.

She could be bored and not finding the work stimulating enough/ have adhd it's often day dreamers/ chatterboxes who struggles to focus on demand or she should could just be 6.

I despise the removal of break as punishment. Kids who are struggling to focus/ getting rowdy need more breaks, not less. It's the most ridiculous and unhelpful behaviour management technique imo.

As in she is in her first year of education ?
what a lot of pressure at such a young age . ( some kids can’t concentrate in large groups this may be why she is best at home than school.
your dd has all the time in the world to learn .
All you can do is keep talking to her and ask her to try focus but every kid is different some academic some not . We don’t all grow up to be the same.
I think let her be a kid and you be a supportive parent without the pressure .

I recall being told that children will be good if they can be. Ie if your child is struggling with behaviour something is a problem. The environment, the noise, the teaching style. Something isn’t right. Maybe the whole environment is overstimulating for her. Or she is bored.
if you can afford a private ADHD assessment go for it but also look at some of the recommended behavioural strategies for ADHD and give them a go. Suggest school does also. Missing break is never a good Idea as kids need to expend some energy run around etc. Maybe encourage school to incorporate some movement breaks. Have her sit on a wobble cushion. This school year is nearly over. Hope next year will improve for you