17yr old son has no GCSEs and is involved in gang related crime

[Gr8white]

This post is not intended as a criticism of my son - I take responsibility for letting him down when he needed me and am ashamed of myself, as a mum. I need some advice from the Mumsnet community. I've no family to turn to.
Here's a summary of disasters:

1. A nasty divorce left me ostracised from my family and my Muslim community. My sisters and brothers in-law sided with my 'perfect' ex. They spend Christmas and Eid together with my children, even holidaying abroad together. I believe this is how my children began to disrespect me.
2. All my deepest secrets including child sex abuse by my uncle were divulged to the community by my (now ex) husband. I was seen as soiled and damaged.
3. I thought 'well the secret is out' - so I took my late mum's brother to court and won: he got 7.5yrs.
4. In disgrace and in desperation, I did the worst thing: I took to drinking.
5. My ex and family contacted social services saying I am an unfit mother.
6. I lost residency of my children, now aged 15 and 17.
7. My 17yr old was expelled from school for fighting. Later, he was involved in gang related crime here in Tottenham. He is on bail.
8. My son left school without any qualifications. I need to get him back into the education system, essentially to repeat the year but don't know how. He has received credible death threats from local gangsters and is terrified. His two close friends were recently stabbed and he says he will be next, so I barely see him these days. I want to get him out of London, to start afresh. I don't know how.
9. For the first time in my life, I am on state benefits, stone broke. I do not have a penny to spare. Moving house to a safer location with my boy will cost a lot of money and Universal Credit won't cover it. I've spoken to the benefits office and was told that as I am a homeowner, I am considered solvent.

I don't know what to do. My son is in real danger and has no GCSEs, so no prospects. I've spoken to StepChange and Turn2Us, but am told that whilst I am able to work and have an asset ie. our home, I cannot get a mortgage holiday. In other words, I'd need to go into debt to qualify for a mortgage break so I can get my son a tutor or relocate to a safer neighbourhood.

I appreciate you reading this. Hope it makes sense.

What is your advice?

Asalam alaikum
What a truly horrible situation.
I feel sad for your situation and as a Muslim mum myself, really feel for you.

1. Firstly . Sorry to hear that your uncle abused you. That is so awful and 7.5 years is not justice at all but we trust in Allah that he is the best and handler of our affairs. Its sad you were separated from your Muslim community but there are other mosques with support and sister groups, who perhaps could help you. If your family ar

1. I think the best option is your son to get

out of London and not the outskirts either like Surrey or Kent or Essex but somewhere perhaps more up north or even farther down south. He needs to start a fresh and perhaps redo his gcses. Its hard because as a Muslim boy, he shoul be doing much better and not getting involved in these kind of things qnd could bring dangerous characters to your door. Knife crime is high in London and that he thinks he is next is awful. he needs a stern talking to and do not let him disrespect you. The quran tells us to honour and respect our parents. Especially our mothers, where heaven lies at their feet. Do not let him say what's what. You know what's best for him, he is still a child, a teenager. I have 3 sons myself, and I want the absolute best for them. You need to be firm and strict. Get him involved in reading and reciting, performing 5 salahs regularly and going to mosque even just for jummah for now. Remind him of God and that this isn't an Islamic lifestyle or anyway of following the sunnah. He is going against Islam. And quite frankly put islam aside going against morals as well by getting himself involved with gang crime and gangsters. Maybe he has been doing or selling drugs also. I believe you need to come down hard on him and let him know this isn't the way. There are nicer areas outside London. Tottenham isn't great, just as rough as Edmonton or seven sisters. I think a complete move to also protect your other child too is wise.

I understand you cant move ATM due to your universal credits but cannot not sell your home, or have you not paid off the mortgage yet? Is it an Islamic mortgage as other mortgage is haram due to riba Interest? Is there anyway you could rent your home to get you to move? Rent it for now until you can get yourself a job? Universal credit is buttons so it would be better to get back into working again? Was your ex husband supporting you Before? Is he a Muslim and does he know his duty is to provide for you and the boys? Are you a born Muslim or a revert? Do you have both Muslim and non Muslim family to help. I understand you say you have family who do Christmas? I am assuming they're non muslim? Do you have anyone who lives further away, like a relative who would support your son in a town further away? Until you could perhaps relocate there after some time? Is there a programmed at the mosque or a sheikh or imam you can talk to for help or advice or even bring your 17 Yr old to the masjid for help and a wake up call. Does your son want help? Does he want to change? Is he a good boy deep Down ?

Also id suggest playing quran round the house, to maybe snap him back into reality. When you hear the words of the quran it really softens your heart and make him contemplate his wrong decisions.

I wish you all the best in your future inshaAllah it all works out for you.

Sorry but do the kids live with you or with your ex husband????

I hope you have also gave up the alcohol inshaAllah. Its.not allowed in our religion and will not help you sister

@PopsicleHustler Thank you for your thoughts, much appreciated. I converted to Islam purely for my (then) husband and honestly, it was so good to be a part of the community. In the 24 years we were married, I felt loved and respected for the first time in my life. He was violent. When I left him, and he told all my innermost secrets to anyone who would listen, the community shunned me. I am alone. I have no one.

That's not the issue really - the issue is that I have no money and am deeply worried about my son. He has begun to disrespect me since the divorce, he is hugely influenced by his father (a teacher!) who does not seem remotely bothered by our son's general dropping out of normal life. Yes, our son has repeatedly told me he does not want to live this way, often saying "mum it's too late for me".

I need advice on how to relocate to another place, far away from here, how to help him get at least basic GCSEs without sending him to a PRU.

If you or anyone else might be able to address this central point, I'd be so grateful.

Salaam.

What is your current relationship with your children? You said they don't respect you and you lost custody of them.

Maybe that should be the focus? Because even if you manage to find help to move, will your son be willing to move with you?

ps. @PopsicleHustler In answer: no, it is not an Islamic mortgage and my ex husband and his hateful family only use religion as a way to get what they want, eg. his sister got pregnant by a married man whose wife was pregnant with her 3rd child and still they married Shareefa off to him with help from Watford Mosque, arguing that in Islam a man can have four wives! Of course that marriage ended in divorce. These people are bad - I do not consider them to be real Muslims at all. Whatever. My main concern is for my son's safety and education.

They live now with my ex husband, who hits them, goes on holidays abroad without them very often and generally resents them. They feel it.

I'm sorry you have gone through so much absolute shit - you didn't deserve any of it and your family should have supported you instead of making things worse. Well done for getting through it.

I think you are right about getting away from Tottenham - it will be very difficult for your son to make a new start without moving. I normally think "hang onto the house at all costs" but in this case I would sell the house and move. There are plenty of colleges which offer GCSE courses to adults who missed out, so it shouldn't be a problem to get him into one of those as long as he is willing. All this unfortunately depends on his being willing to change, so you need a serious conversation with him before you uproot your life.

Contact St Giles trust who work with young people involved in gang crime, they may be able to help and assign him a worker to support him. There are also often teams within local authorities who work with children at risk of being exploited, sexually or criminally. In your shoes I would call social services and seek advice, if your son is receiving death threats then he is not safe and may need to be moved out of the area for a time.

I would definitely move. I wouldn't move to a regional small town due to County Lines risks. I'd move to a town with good role models and a diverse community. Maybe Leicester? The positive thing must be that your house in Tottenham will almost certainly be worth much more than a similar house elsewhere, enabling you to have a smaller mortgage or perhaps even be mortgage free.

@PopsicleHustler re my late mum's brother's sentencing: we are talking about the late 1970s and early 80's. Sentencing terms are given according to what they were at the time of the crime. Alas.

@JellyBellies Thank you for your message. Yes, my son has said he wants to move away with me because he is really scared - my youngest child does not. I feel this is a 'Sophie's Choice' and I am suffering severe anxiety and insomnia because of this. My GP is aware and has given me prozac and a limited amount of sleeping pills.

@TheYearOfSmallThings are there? I didn't know this. This is great advice, thank you, I shall look in to it today. Your advice has given me a little sunlight on an otherwise cloudy day. Thank You.

I know Tottenham well, you need to move to resolve the gang issue. Far. As another poster said, not Essex, Herts or south London. Somewhere with no train line or major bus route, as this allows access. Perhaps Dunstable or somewhere else remote but still with resources.

i am sorry to hear of your troubles, you don’t deserve this. Move and make a clean start.

Yes, despite my F**kups, my son is reaching out for help, drowning and trying to grasp on to something solid. I am so ashamed to have let him down and so sorry that he is in this scary place.

Where are you living now? Do you own or rent and if rent from council or housing association or private?

I live in Tottenham and would advise as pp suggest, outside London, not a small town near London. He needs to change his phone number/all media asap

What is situation with you get kid? Are they involved in stuff too? Even by association to brother?

Hey @mymycherrypie . Thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate it. When we bought the house, it was in joint names. Ex and I work freelance and there is no way he or I would have been able to afford this mortgage as individuals. To sell, I'd need his consent. It's all a mess.

@JellyBellies hey. Thank you for your question. The answer is a resounding yes. My son is frightened of The Streets and scared about his future. He comes from a family of doctors, lawyers and teachers and is fully aware that he has somehow become involved in situations beyond control.

You could ask your GP to refer you to the Early Help Hub in Children’s Services. It’s voluntary help, but there’s definitely enough there that you could qualify for the Supporting Families Programme. Otherwise you can self-refer

@Flowerfairy101 hello. We are talking about Haringey, consistently deemed the worst performing borough in London re social services by the Ombudsman. Their involvement in our situation is currently subject to investigation. None of this matters, let the wheels turn. I only care about keeping my children safe and being sure they have access to education. x

@chocolateisavegetable love your Mumsnet Handle! Made me smile at a grim moment. Thank You.
The only thing I care about is my 17yr old right now and it seems the Early Help is several years late.

Hello and thank you. No, eldest is a PHD, youngest excels at school. I am only talking about my middle child. I am asking for practical help and advice re relocating and enrolling my middle child in to education.

try womans aid. How old exactly is your son? That makes a difference, as when he is 18, help from domestic abuse charities can stop a bit abruptly.

If he is 17 and a half, womans aid might be able to help you and he relocate, and get him back into education

He is entitles to 3 years of 6th form education, from what you say it sounds like he has only messed up one

@ThreeFeetTall hello. I live in N22. My only concern is my middle child, who is lost and frightened. I live alone in a jointly (with ex husband) owned house and advise thus far is that I ought to move with middle child. Youngest is fine. Please read the thread if you have time.

I really hope things work out well for you - relocating is the only real option for your son, and a charity like womans aid might be the only way to do it. I feel for him, 17 is so young to realise you have put yourself into this situation and there are very limited ways out