17yr old son has no GCSEs and is involved in gang related crime

[Gr8white]

This post is not intended as a criticism of my son - I take responsibility for letting him down when he needed me and am ashamed of myself, as a mum. I need some advice from the Mumsnet community. I've no family to turn to.
Here's a summary of disasters:

1. A nasty divorce left me ostracised from my family and my Muslim community. My sisters and brothers in-law sided with my 'perfect' ex. They spend Christmas and Eid together with my children, even holidaying abroad together. I believe this is how my children began to disrespect me.
2. All my deepest secrets including child sex abuse by my uncle were divulged to the community by my (now ex) husband. I was seen as soiled and damaged.
3. I thought 'well the secret is out' - so I took my late mum's brother to court and won: he got 7.5yrs.
4. In disgrace and in desperation, I did the worst thing: I took to drinking.
5. My ex and family contacted social services saying I am an unfit mother.
6. I lost residency of my children, now aged 15 and 17.
7. My 17yr old was expelled from school for fighting. Later, he was involved in gang related crime here in Tottenham. He is on bail.
8. My son left school without any qualifications. I need to get him back into the education system, essentially to repeat the year but don't know how. He has received credible death threats from local gangsters and is terrified. His two close friends were recently stabbed and he says he will be next, so I barely see him these days. I want to get him out of London, to start afresh. I don't know how.
9. For the first time in my life, I am on state benefits, stone broke. I do not have a penny to spare. Moving house to a safer location with my boy will cost a lot of money and Universal Credit won't cover it. I've spoken to the benefits office and was told that as I am a homeowner, I am considered solvent.

I don't know what to do. My son is in real danger and has no GCSEs, so no prospects. I've spoken to StepChange and Turn2Us, but am told that whilst I am able to work and have an asset ie. our home, I cannot get a mortgage holiday. In other words, I'd need to go into debt to qualify for a mortgage break so I can get my son a tutor or relocate to a safer neighbourhood.

I appreciate you reading this. Hope it makes sense.

What is your advice?

@Nimbostratus100 Wow, really? I didn't now this. Thank you for your advice, I will try calling them to discuss.

Just to clarify that Early Help covers children up to 18, but I did see your comment about your local services not being good

Hello Op. so sorry to read about your predicament

Yes you should be able to find a vocational college that would provide a course in catering/hospitality/engineering/construction/motor vehicle etc. Alongside these they run GCSE resit classes in maths and English for the students who didn't pass their exams.

I work in one of them teaching maths and have a range of 17-50 year olds, from school leavers to mature students who want to change career etc.

These places exist and sound like it would be perfect for your ds. Though my college is in south wales so perhaps a little far for you.

I wish you the very best of luck

I'm sorry to read this. It must be terrifying for both you and your son.
Will he sit down and talk to you about the situation? If you could tell him that you will do all that you can to help him,but it would involve a huge sacrifice on your part and mean moving right away and stopping all contact with his former friends,would be listen?

Leicester would be a good place I think. Huge established Muslim community who have in general,pretty good relationships with other groups and cultures. Would it be possible to rent your house out for a short period and try somewhere new before you make a final decision?

Could you rent out your place and use the proceeds to rent somewhere?
Maybe approach local Churchs? They maybe have a network so you could move somewhere else?
I hope you find a solution.

The only other thing I can think of is…

You say you work freelance. Do you still now? Could you work remotely? My friend had a similar situation and she bought a very cheap caravan on a site by the coast. Went there for the whole summer. When she returned the situation had eased but obviously not gone away.

Her husband stayed in the London home but could you rent yours for a time?

I lost residency of my children, now aged 15 and 17.

Then why is son living with you? Send him to live with his father's family.

These places exist and sound like it would be perfect for your ds. Though my college is in south wales so perhaps a little far for you.

There are lots in London and hopefully other areas - it's so important that people can get back on track without barriers.

I would get some detailed benefits advice for cab about your share in the house and claiming help with rent on somewhere else. The rules are complicated but there may be a way forward for you . Good luck.

I was also going to suggest the St Giles Trust. They have a lot of experience with situations like this.

Hey OP… is he deemed at risk of CCE? Is he open to social care? You could ask for a referral if he isn’t to the early help hub…. Is he open the local youth justice / youth offending service? You could ask for a voluntary referral through to there….. as it’s all voluntary and not stat at this point your son is going to have to want the help.

As a previous poster has said St Giles is really good as well… it’s lived experience www.stgilestrust.org.uk

www.haringey.gov.uk/community/community-safety-and-engagement/youth-justice-service-yjs Reach out to these and ask for,voluntary help…. There is a project nationally called turnaround that has funding for youth justice services to work with families and young people, various criteria - including those on bail and not previously worked with the YJS. It’s a family approach - www.gov.uk/government/news/300-million-to-cut-youth-crime-and-make-streets-safer

Look into moving somewhere like Leicester as a pp said. Or go to the south coast- Southampton or Portsmouth for example?

I have had to relocate a couple of times and it's hard work but can be done!

1. Get your ex to agree in principle to sell the house. Email him so you get his reply in writing!

1. Look at places you would consider relocating to. Plan to get DS2 far enough away from London that he can start afresh.

1. Get info on colleges in those towns. Sit down with DS2 and work through what course he would like to do. Many colleges will allow him to enrol on a course and do his core GCSEs alongside.

1. Look for a lodger for your flat in Tottenham. Do a six month tenancy with a break clause. With the £££ look to rent a flat in the new town.

1. Find a job in new town, attend AA meetings if you need them, start a hobby where you can meet friends or get involved with community initiatives

1. Get the flat on the market after tenants have been in 4 months so you can give them notice to move out in time for exchange

1. Buy a new flat for you and DS2 and enjoy your new life

@anxiouspeabrain thank you for this advice, thank you very much. It's a really sad situation and I am responsible for the bulk of this mess. I think the other kind souls who have replied on this thread are right: I'm going to have to sell up/rent our home out and rent somewhere else for a year or two until my boy has had a decent chance to get back on track. do you know how I might find somewhere he can study - is there an index or some sort of online resource I might refer to? it's all a bit much for me, quite overwhelming, so no wonder my son is struggling. x

@2bazookas, I'm not sure you've read this thread properly: my son is not living with me, officially he lives with his father. He stays here very often and tells me he wants to be free of all this stress and worry and start all over again. I wouldn't dream of throwing him out and forcing him to live with his father/extended family. Thanks for the idea though.

finding somewhere to study, you should be able to contact the council where ever you are living and just ask what is available

All the best xx

@TheYearOfSmallThings @Thistooshallpsss @Decorhate @Feckedupbundle @Saturdaydreamingway2355555 @huji @Nimbostratus100 and everyone else who has been kind enough to offer advice THANK YOU. Thank you very much. Tomorrow, I shall look in to adult education classes in another town, rental prices for my London home and rental for a small flat near potential college. It's a long road ahead, but I feel at least now, I have some support in you. Gratefully. Me. x

@mymycherrypie @Swimswam than you both most sincerely.

I don’t think you need a tutor or to send him back to school/college. Look for opportunities elsewhere depending on his interests

Can you help him look for live in work training opportunities ie hospitality

alternatively look at the armed forces - tons of skills/trades specialisms and they don’t mind a rough diamond.

www.ratemyapprenticeship.co.uk/public-sector-apprenticeships-armed-forces

Also think about what you want for yourself. A new start somewhere

@TiaI thank you.

@Jadeshack1 how kind of you to write, thank you. I'm embarrassed to admit I know next to nothing about finance or mortgages - ex husband handled it all. I assumed I could just put my home in London up for rent and move somewhere else with my son for a year or so. I think maybe that's unrealistic of me, ignorant perhaps?

No experience or advice but just wanted to wish you good luck OP, sounds so stressful.