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Original poster

Change schools for diversity?

39 replies

Moonpie22 · 06/10/2022 03:42

My DD is in Year 2 at a private school in Surrey. DD joined in reception yet feels like she doesn’t have friends and the kids already partner with each other and she is the last one left. I have also tried to organise play dates but am quite conscious that we are not at the same level financially as most of the other families in class. Our house and car is probably one of the smallest. So there’s that too.
I have struggled to make connections in school as well. Also heard a couple of other mums saying the same thing. I often notice people trying to avoid eye contact with me. It feels like hard work just to be seen and acknowledged.
Tried to volunteer in the parents rep group. I offered to help at an event, was told I would be contacted and then nothing. The event is on Saturday and it doesn’t look like I will be involved. The school is predominantly white and we are not. The other 2 mums are also not white…one of them who has a DD in another year said she found it hard to make friends in this year group. Sorry I don’t mean to stir up anything. Just feeling very sad, isolated and alienated and wondering if it is a good idea to change schools. There is no diversity in the staff as well. I was wondering if DD would have problems as she gets into higher classes with being recognised. She is doing well academically but doesn’t get picked for school council etc.
There is another private school a bit far (not as convenient logistically) but has more diversity and we have a couple of families we know there.
It’s between walking to school/driving (5 mins) vs 20-30 mins.
I don’t want to get to year 5 and feel what if I had changed schools.
I am relying slightly on the fact that we have these 2 families from our social circle in school.
Is it a good idea to change schools at the end of year 2?
Please be kind.

OP posts:
Luluthecat · 06/10/2022 04:13

Move schools, sooner rather than later. 20/30 minute commute quite normal for private schools. Your DD needs friends.

LondonGirl83 · 06/10/2022 06:26

If she really doesn’t have friends then I would move her. If it’s about you not having friends which also sounds like an issue then I would leave her if she’s happy and settled.

Bundlesofchocforme · 06/10/2022 06:30

I would definitely move schools asap. Sorry you and xx have had this experience.

Bundlesofchocforme · 06/10/2022 06:31

sorry autocorrect dd not xx!

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 06/10/2022 06:35

Why does she need to go to private school? Why does it have to be the one she’s at or another private school? Have you looked at the state schools?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 06/10/2022 06:36

Just because they might have the diversity you’re after and be closer, that’s all.

clarepetal · 06/10/2022 06:50

When I first read the title I thought you were being precious. When I read your post I was furious!
Do you have one or two mum friends? Same with daughter? If not, then move, the only thing I do question, is do you need to go private?
Rasicim is clearly a problem and I'm so sorry for you, it's not only appalling in this day and age it's embarrassing. X

melchim · 06/10/2022 07:04

It is tough.. my children are both at schools where they are one of only 2-3 of their ethnicity in their class. I have definitely found the other mothers gravitate towards those they feel more in common with and they assume that based on appearance. One of my sons seems totally unfazed by it, and has tons of friends of the other ethnicity. The other son has only ever made friends that look like him, and I think he'd have felt more at home in a more diverse environment. I would have changed schools for him if I had my time again.

Original poster
Moonpie22 · 06/10/2022 07:33

Yes I feel the lack of friends acutely but you are right must focus on daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonpie22 · 06/10/2022 07:33

Thank you for the replies. Sorry still trying to figure out how to tag. We sent her to private school because she is an only child and we are immigrants and thought it would give her a good launchpad in life. She is also very sensitive and and the school was nurturing which suited her personality.

OP posts:
Swedishmeatball · 06/10/2022 07:36

Wow, come to my son’s private prep in south london…90 % of class has non white british background. You’d be welcomed with open arms. And yes this age is absolutely ok to move.

TheOrigRights · 06/10/2022 07:46

How do you know about the houses and cars if your DD's class mates?

SweetsAndChocolates · 06/10/2022 07:50

@Moonpie22 you are doing what my parents did 30 odd years ago. Lots of bullying as we got older, physical assaults, teachers blasé about it all. As a child you end up accepting you will always be different. Not great really, but we siblings decided only way out was to excel.

However (and this is an important however Grin), as you do well, and continue through school, you will always find friends. Not everyone in the class will dislike everyone, it's just the nicer ones follow lead initially.

You could move your dd, especially if she's feeling incredibly low about it. You know your daughter best, and if this is causing her unnecessary upset, it's probably not worth the hassle.

I wouldn't worry about other parents, my parents barely took part in anything as always busy with work, but somehow they ended up with good friends (albeit one parent was our GP and the other set of parents were primary school teachers where youngest sibling was Grin)

Original poster
Moonpie22 · 06/10/2022 08:00

Cars they bring to school. Pictures of home , class zoom during Covid and one I dropped stuff off to. School is in a affluent area. Lots of kids live around there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonpie22 · 06/10/2022 08:01

@SweetsAndChocolates that is encouraging. Got to think about that.

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Original poster
Moonpie22 · 06/10/2022 08:02

@Swedishmeatball that sounds nice

OP posts:
Threelittlelambs · 06/10/2022 08:06

I think the biggest issue will be her confidence later in life when she starts to notice.

Why not do a trial day at the other school and see what she thinks? Then she can make a decision?

It’s really hard when they don’t feel like they fit in. DD was the same but different circumstances and she moved schools and found her group of friends and was so much happier being accepted.

snoodles · 06/10/2022 08:10

I completely understand.

Have you tried any play dates? People tend to gravitate towards those who look like them unfortunately.

No harm I'm looking elsewhere. Trust your gut, moving now would be fine. It's such a shame we still hear of these sorts of things in a country will many different backgrounds

Original poster
Moonpie22 · 06/10/2022 11:01

@Threelittlelambs Thank you, was thinking whether I should do that

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonpie22 · 06/10/2022 11:04

@snoodles true we do tend to stick with the familiar. Tried a couple with classmates one of the kids (bless them they are so honest) said my house is bigger than yours. The other parent didn’t want to chit chat much after the play date. Don’t want to make it a sad story, perhaps this hits a tender nerve.

OP posts:
Soma · 06/10/2022 20:43

@Moonpie22 I would move your DD because she has no friends. We moved from one prep to another for different reasons. Fortunately my DC have always had friends, but some kids and their parents do not like to let anyone in to their circle. Sometimes it could be race, sometimes it could be social background, i.e. we're both music producers, game designers or actors let's go for drinks. It could even be that a group in the class went to nursery together. Whatever the reason, it still hurts. 20 - 30 minutes isn't a huge distance and your DD might really enjoy the change. For what it's worth, there are parents at our schools who live in mansions and many who live in flats, but I don't judge anyone on what they drive or where they live. I've just remembered my DC told me that someone from a lower year (didn't know who she was) used to arrive at school in a helicopter, go figure.
Regarding volunteering for the school event on Saturday, just follow up with your class rep with an email reminding them that you are available.

Original poster
Moonpie22 · 06/10/2022 22:03

Thanks @Soma I think I am going to initiate the process , do a trial day etc. Arriving in a helicopter …made me chuckle.

OP posts:
Soma · 06/10/2022 22:54

@Moonpie22 I know, even we were surprised. My DC told me it wasn't a good thing to appear overly wealthy or flashy. When a new girl arrived from another independent school and was very boastful about bling etc. the others quietly shut it down and eventually got used to her and would say, '"oh it's only Boriseena" (completely made-up name) and didn't hold it against her.

XelaM · 06/10/2022 22:57

Swedishmeatball · 06/10/2022 07:36

Wow, come to my son’s private prep in south london…90 % of class has non white british background. You’d be welcomed with open arms. And yes this age is absolutely ok to move.

My daughter's prep in North London as well 😃I think she was one of maybe 4 caucasian kids in her whole year group.

Soma · 06/10/2022 23:08

Mount House is very diverse and quite international in that the school it replaced had links with schools in the China and Japan. Having said that, it is unusual to have only four white DC in a Year. Most years were majority white with a mixture of ethnicities. I know St John's had a "reputation" and many Black and non Black families of colour left and went elsewhere.