Would Autism diagnosis (for borderline child) be beneficial or detrimental if applying to Private Schools?

[Quirk1]

DS9 has been on the list for ASD assessment (at school's recommendation) and is going to be offered his slot soon.

He presents as "quirky", he's tracking baseline standards at his state primary, he's popular with many close friends, and his behaviour in class is apparently very good.

His main issues are that he can get distracted in noisy classrooms, he is anxious in busy/competitive environments, and he apparently has very high potential in certain areas (which the school have not picked up on at all; this was via Ed Psych). It is for these reasons that we are considering private schooling for secondary level.

Since there's no overwhelming benefit that we his parents can see for him to have a diagnosis, should we still send him for assessment?

The reasons to do it would be, I guess, to help future educators to understand how he works. And also because it could be done free of charge whilst he's in state system.

The reasons against it are; to make sure he's not given a "glass ceiling" by being typecast. We're also worried that some fee paying schools may discriminate against those with a diagnosis (is this a thing?). And also it may prevent us from emigrating to certain countries, which could pose a problem with DH's work.

Thanks for your thoughts.

What you speculate about going abroad and attitudes to autism is probably going to be the most significant factor, and is an area that I'm imagining not many posters would be able to guide you about, without knowing the country, or knowing somebody who has experienced a different system abroad.

With my own son, the autism and the impact on his learning is more obviously evident, but I do know young people whose profiles sound similar to your son's. A couple have not wanted to flag it up, on going to uni, but at the end of the course, have decided to seek help with their preparation for exams and to talk about their earlier diagnosis. The boys I know have had mixed feelings about being defined by the label.

Usually, autism is flagged up in order to get extra support in the classroom, but if your son isn't needing this, then there is less reason to go down the diagnosis route.

I think it would be helpful to have the diagnosis done, but I feel it might be best to see how your son feels about it. If he isn't being negatively-impacted to a great degree at the moment, then he may feel self-conscious about the diagnosis process and not feel ready for it.

I was diagnosed at 24 and it was the biggest relief to understand why I had never fitted in.

The other guys have really covered it in terms of he’s still autistic, even without a diagnosis, benefits of diagnosis etc but what I really wanted to clarify is the question you are asking.

Seemingly BECAUSE of his difficulties you want him to go to a private school that may discriminate against him for being autistic? Or you may wish to move countries to somewhere that doesn’t accept autism (global perspectives vary). The truth is, if your son is autistic, neither the private school, nor the global move will be right for him, regardless of whether he is diagnosed or not. He will likely just struggle without understand why and possibly hiding it.

It may simply be your current school environment that needs changing, rather than autism but how would you know this without undergoing the assessment? Basically I am pointing out that you can’t reasonable make the choices without the diagnosis first… if you try and chose school/country without the assessment you’re simply stabbing in the dark without the correct information.

so the very question you are thinking you are thinking will be best ploughed through without assessment, you actually cannot answer without it.

Forgive my ignorance but which countries would stop a family immigrating with a diagnosis?

Canada and Australia iirc

My limited experience of autistic children in the private sector is that they may offer a place but with the proviso that you pay for the learning support needed
Your child may then later be managed out of the setting

I believe You can still live there but you do have to demonstrate that your child will likely to be able to live independently as an adult without state support or that you can financially support them yourselves. Well that’s my understanding of the Australian system. Do a autism diagnosis isn’t a blanket “no immigration”. Unless things have changed since I last looked into it.

I am so relieved that you came and said this.

I feel you are coming at this from the wrong angle.

What can you do that helps your child today. I understand the fear of diagnosis, but everyone I know who has been diagnosed with conditions are so pleased they did (eventually, once the dust has settled.)

If you a re worrying about whether a certain type of school would discriminate then case then that is not the right type of school for your child, end of.

So am I! Wow, I’m not a clinical anything, nor do I have autistic DC.

However, even I was aware that autism is NOT a spectrum in terms of mild to severe! I began to doubt my very understanding of autism based on the “appalled” clinical poster. Really I am shocked.

DS was I think 9 or 10 when described as "having autistic traits"; we were offered the option of pursuing a formal diagnostic assessment at a future time but discouraged from doing so at that stage. He was in a small prep school at the time that coped well with "quirky bright" boys in small numbers, diagnosed or not.

13+ applications done age 10 were borderline disastrous - he presented very badly at interview. An extra couple of years maturity led to him getting into his current school via the scholarship route (having not been offered a place initially). He's not needed us to consider ASD assessment as he's been in a school environment that has allowed him to become comfortable in his own skin and achieve very well.

Before he goes to uni I am probably going to sit down and discuss ASD with him, in both general and more specific terms. As much because I think he needs to better understand that there is a greater range of ways other people think about and see the world, than he currently seems to be aware of. I don't think he'll ever need a diagnosis, but it may help him to understand that this is a descriptor that may fit who he is.

By contrast DD was diagnosed at 14 having already benefitted from reading around the topic for a couple of years. Her diagnosis was only shared on a very limited basis at school. Having it has helped her to understand herself, and accept that sometimes she needs to do things differently to those around her. I've been keen that she knows where to look for support at uni so that she can access it if she needs it. And that's probably about it.

I don't know if describing our experiences helps at all ...

There's another busier thread running in AIBU currently which is discussing similar views.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4645629-is-anyone-the-parent-of-a-child-with-asd-and-not-seeking-a-diagnosis?page=1

Quirky at 9 is fine. Lots of 9 year olds are quirky, it's cute.

Quirky at secondary can be quite difficult. Especially when what we perceive as quirky is really a teenager trying desperately to cope with increasing demands on all sides and sliding into depression.

Quirky at 9 is fine. Lots of 9 year olds are quirky, it's cute.

Quirky at secondary can be quite difficult. Especially when what we perceive as quirky is really a teenager trying desperately to cope with increasing demands on all sides and sliding into depression.

Quirky at 9 is a desperately unhappy child who doesn't understand what they are quirky and don't fit and are giving you 'cute' because it's what they think you want from them. Quirky at 9 is devastatingly difficult masking.

I wish people would understand that if they see potential signs of autism in the child minimising it and describing it as Quirky is only for their benefit. Not the child's. Stop basing what happens next on how the child presents because the most important thing is the child, not the outsiders.

An alternative suggestion - I went for a private assessment for my DS so that we knew in detail what the issues were. It was not a formal assessment and although we did talk to schools to find the best place for him, the assessment was not put on his junior school records.

The reason we did this is at the time we were unsure what to do and the junior school were not very supportive. It was quite a few years ago. They kept saying he was lazy or just slow but refused to accept that he could be autistic as he did not fit the typical profile they had in mind. He was diagnosed following the private assessment so I homeschooled for the remainder of junior and middle years, but he went to another school for GCSE years. At 14 is was a joint decision between him and us not to disclose the diagnosis but to make sure the school he attended would be right for him. He did not wish to be labelled. He ended up at a boarding school hours away from home but it was definitely the right school for him and he ultimately loved the school and did well in his GCSEs.

Agree strongly @eyeteevee Have a bad example of this in our family - 'quirky', 'a little bit eccentric', 'struggling with core subjects but showing brilliance in x, y, z'. This denial may be comforting some of the adults, but there is a very anxious young boy who is not getting the support and help he potentially needs. He also needs some protection, as some of the 'quirky' behaviour will probably land him in trouble as he gets older.

@Plantstrees how did the boarding school take your ds being homeschooled if you don't mind me asking? I want to do this exact route with my dd as long as she wants to as well. Thanks

I beleive it is quite common for children to be homeschooled prior to going to private senior schools. I think this is partly because of the gap between state junior and private senior (11 - 13 years) and children are often home schooled/privately coached for senior school entrance exams.

The important aspect is to ensure that the senior school is open to alternative approaches and understand that not all children have come through the system. I think most private schools embrace the idea of diversity of education. They are also used to taking in children from many different cultures and backgrounds so are well-equipped to help fill any gaps that may become apparent. Depending where you are, there are also often children from remote areas of the UK/overseas where local schools may be inappropriate that are sent to boarding schools at 13 having been homeschooled until that point.

Thanks everyone for contributing to the thread. For those interested in a follow-up, it turns out he is just quirky after all. NT with some ND traits, but not enough to qualify for ASD diagnosis.

My DS got a diagnosis and was borderline (we always knew he was going to be borderline one way or the other and hence had a similar dilemma to you).

He already had a place accepted at his private senior school so we didn’t have the dilemma of whether to disclose at the application stage. The school have been very good about it and assured us they had lots like him.

A couple of points I want to mention: you can still pursue a diagnosis on the NHS when your dc is in a private school. We did. It was a very slow process on the NHS though. I know if you pay privately it can be much faster.

Secondly you or your DC can choose whether you disclose a diagnosis and who you disclose it to. If you dont disclose it though he wont have any legal ir discriminatory protection that he might have had so you need to consider whether he might need accommodations in a particular environment. If your DS is high functioning like ours he may manage perfectly well in most situations and just knowing he has a diagnosis may be enough to help him understand himself and develop some coping strategies. We chose to disclose to his school but later in life when it comes to job applications he might choose not to disclose. Given the numbers that apply for some jobs and the lack of transparency in selection procedures I would wonder how chances of getting a job offer would be affected by disclosure.

I think understanding themselves is a good enough reason to explore further and establish whether or not someone is autistic.

We got turned away from about 3 private schools because of DS diagnosis. Tbh he’s outgrown most of his traits now he is 12 (we had him diagnosed at around 8). I think he was just immature for his age. Wish we hadn’t got a diagnosis now. After reading sooooo many books and research papers about ASD I’m not even sure the medical professionals are sure what it is. There’s no bio markers or brain scans that can prove ASD, it’s all on opinion. While I consider my son quirky (obsessed with minecraft etc) others label it as a disorder - I don’t see it that way anymore, he’s just him and it’s his personality. I don’t think the diagnosis did him any benefits either, if anything it negatively affected him having someone label him as “different”.

People don't outgrow autism

I'm sometimes stunned at the things paediatricians say.
When my DS went for an ASD assessment, the paediatrician suggested that DS did not have autism, but instead had social anxiety because all the other kids probably played Minecraft and he still played Angry Birds.
She shared that they had bought their son an Xbox so he could fit in with other kids and inferred we should do the same 😂
(Years later turns out ds is autistic btw)