Separated parents can't decide on school- help!

[urghnotthisagain]

My ex and I share custody of my 3yo.

He has her Monday evening-Thursday morning and I have the rest.

He lives about 45 mins away and wants our daughter to attend primary school near him and I obviously want her near me.

We are not able to come to an agreement on which school she should go to but I have absolutely no idea what happens next??

I've heard we can both apply and the LEA will decide but I would rather do it through solicitors/court if possible as he is volatile and I think it could get nasty.

Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it resolve?

As someone has already said, there are potential family law issues here, which I can’t comment on.

The local education authority is likely to regard OP’s address as the address for admissions purposes, as the child spends four nights a week there. The LEA is not likely to be swayed by the fact that some of these are weekend nights; it’s about where the child lives for the majority of the time. The LEA might also look at things like where child benefit is paid (if it is), where the child is registered with a GP, etc. The admissions information on the LEA website should say more about how they determine which address to use, if it’s in dispute.

You should ask your LEA but mine says the parent who has the child more during the school week gets the deciding vote so your child would go to a school near him.

FGS OP, stop being such a mug.

Step back, deep breath, you are separated from him, now you need to work out how to go forward with the best outcome for you and DD.

Were you married? Was there no formal divorce and agreement to these terms? Her going to school is such a massive change in circumstances that a renegotiation is completely justified.

Get a solicitor, work out what is best for you and DD, sort out finances properly, come up with a custody plan that works for you (not just him) and then prepare to stand you ground.

Good luck!

The school issue is just one factor in a bigger picture here... bite the bullet and sort it all out at once or it's going to be one fight after another...

I should have said, too, that once you have established which address the LEA will treat as the home address, that will probably determine where you can feasibly apply for a school place. Except in sparsely-populated areas, it would be unusual to get a primary school place 45 minutes away.

Your updates 😵

You need to take him to court and negotiate a Child Arrangement Order. Stop paying for nursery on his days (give notice today) and make sure he understands that he is responsible for her Monday-Thursday on school holidays too and that means he needs to get childcare that he pays for.

You have been really passive and your dd is the one who is going to struggle with the travelling on school days. He might have fought for weekdays because he knew that he could have the upper hand for schools but it's time to end his bullying and develop some boundaries for your DD's sake.

Do you get the Child Benefit? Sometimes that is the decider.

@Bernadinetta one where both parents get some weekend time and some midweek time. Not one where it's all on one persons terms, as this seems to be

Jesus. Why would you even facilitate this crap? Paying for it too.

I'd be moving her nursery now

OP you need to stick up for yourself now.
Your dd will need another 7/8 years of childcare plus if you write off primary school, you are probably writing off secondary too as most kids want to go to a secondary that their primary friends are going to. Then she'll reach the phase where she wants to spend weekends with friends and your Friday/Saturday nights with her become sleepovers or are written off because it's easier to travel to Dad's.

I am not saying that she shouldn't see dad. But if there's a possibility that he will give you more days when he has to pay childcare then I would he taking that gamble. (Especially if childcare is more than the maintenance he'd have to pay if that was your day)

I hope that the nursery is near your house rather than his.

What if his LEA said weeknights were the deciding factor for application address, and hers said all nights were the deciding factor?

I'm sorry I agree
If you had her during this time and not at weekends you'd be thinking the same

Forget the time, what is the distance between your houses? Longer term where are the better schools? I went through court and judge told me it was perfectly reasonable and common for a 4 yo to travel up to an hour to school.

@titchy Then, frankly, I don’t know. There can be only one application per child and so deciding which LEA to apply to is the very first step.

This is a good time to get an up-to-date child arrangements order in place, emphasizing why it is in the best interests of the child for her to go to school near you (which looks to be the case based on you being able to collect her in an emergency etc). Courts prefer the status quo, so don't get embedded into a set of school arrangements that are going to be problematic.

I think it might turn out to be useful that you paid for nursery on "his" days - it's evidence that you are the one who is de facto providing care for the majority of the time.

Talk to a solicitor and get this sorted.

Poor child why is she being being passed back and forwards like a parcel. She needs a main home preferably with you and one evening every other weekend with her dad or similar. 50/50 or almost is not in a child's best interest.

Time to get renogiationg and proper court ordered rules in place.

I don't think 50/50 is a bad thing at all, but any contact and maintenance arrangement should either be amicable or court ordered. Given that it sounds like he's a tosser, court ordered it is!

Why isn't in child's best interests to spend equal time with both parents? I do 50:50 with my ex and my children are fine with it. They wouldn't want to see one of us more than the other.

Yes, three school mornings from his, so I would expect a school near him (but ideally one that's location doesn't add more to your jouney

He has bullied you into a scenario where he is actually doing a couple of evenings and then one day a week and claiming that is 3 days. It isn't, because you are paying. And he is not paying maintenance.

Lawyer up now, stop paying childcare and go for something more appropriate for your child.

If you pay childcare, he is going to be more interested in weekends I suspect!

@TorviShieldMaiden its not about the time it's the lack of one secure home . If the children have a house and you and your ex move in and out of it that's great. If you expect them to move half the week in two different places then it's not. Look at the research.

What happens in the school holidays? Does he still do 3pm Monday til 9am Thursday?

She's in preschool/nursery at the minute so they don't have holidays so this hasn't come up yet.

This is exactly it I think.
Solicitors appointment booked for next week.

That's a very different scenario. He certainly screwed you over and is continuing to do so.

I'd be going to court if necessary to get school near you. I'd also be seeking to change the who has DD when.

Did you both sign any legal documents after mediation? You can apply for CM through CMS, after a year it doesn't matter what you agreed in terms of maintenance and you can revert to CMS.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons no Legal docs signed just informal agreements.

I have a solicitor meeting next week which should hopefully get the wheels turning.

This thread has really made me realise what a ridiculous situation I'm in