Separated parents can't decide on school- help!

[urghnotthisagain]

My ex and I share custody of my 3yo.

He has her Monday evening-Thursday morning and I have the rest.

He lives about 45 mins away and wants our daughter to attend primary school near him and I obviously want her near me.

We are not able to come to an agreement on which school she should go to but I have absolutely no idea what happens next??

I've heard we can both apply and the LEA will decide but I would rather do it through solicitors/court if possible as he is volatile and I think it could get nasty.

Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it resolve?

What is a traditional contact pattern?

Surely it makes more sense for the school to be near Dad if he does more care on week days? A right PITA for you though! I wouldn't be fond of the idea either.

In reality, this sort of contact arrangement won't work once child is at school when parents live so far apart. Child needs to be at a local school, which minimises their travel on school days and gives them access to after school clubs, play dates and friends.

You need to read the admissions guidance for both areas very carefully. Most define which address is used fir admissions purposes very carefully, but unhelpfully not in a uniform way so you will gave to check.

Where child benefit is paid is often a deciding factor.

Nights - not time - in each house also iften used, though it can be weekday nights ir nights in total.

Whatever you do, try to have your child’s needs absolutely central, not the adults’ needs or wants. If it us better for your child to spend all school nights in the same place for stability, sleep and taking full advantage of all that school offers, then what is better for them should be your driving priority. Equally if one school demonstrably meets their needs better, go for that - don’t think about it in terms of which adult then ‘wins’.Children whose needs are met and prioritised thrive, whether the resulting contact pattern is usual or unusual.

While I agree with pp it seems more logical that a school near her dad would be better for her due to traveling, I think the LA criteria will need to be looked at first.

There will be regulations on which home they will take as her main residence. Any school applications will then be made using that address which, unless you live very remotely or near a lot of empty schools, will determine which schools she is likely to be accepted at.

That needs to be looked at first.

AFAIK the LA will not decide for you as you can only make one application per child.

You can go to court and have them decide.

How did this arrangement come about? You'll be the one taking her to weekend parties and social events near her school. He never had her on a weekend? Why not?

The LA will not decide for you. However, their rules will decide which address is used for admissions purposes. Some will insist on his address as she spends the majority of school nights with him, some will insist on your address as she spends most of her time with you. Some will allow you and your ex to decide which address to use. The address used will clearly have a major bearing on which school your daughter actually ends up at. If it is your address, if his preferred school is first choice and yours is second choice, there is a good chance she would end up at your choice as she would be too far from the school he wants to get a place.

If you really can't agree, you will have to go to court for a Specific Issue Order. The courts will decide what is in your daughter's best interests.

Is there a school half way between you?Sometimes village schools have capacity for out of area kids. That way, she would only need to travel about 20 mins to school either way. It also makes playdates and parties easier.

Some interesting comments to take into consideration here thanks!

For a bit more context and to answer a few questions...

The arrangement as is was decided by him. I wasn't happy about doing every weekend but have got used to it, I love getting to spend more time with her. I agree this isn't ideal when school comes but he has shown no willingness to budge.

Out of the Mon, tues weds she is with him, she is at nursery Monday and Wednesday which I pay for fully and he pays no child maintenance.

Most importantly (I think) which I should have added in to the OP. He works a further hour away from his home and has no family ie grandparents around. So if something were to happen at school, nobody would be nearby.
I work for myself from home a five minute walk from the school here. I also have two available and willing grandparents and she would be attending school with a few of my friend's kids who she knows already.

Out of the Mon, tues weds she is with him, she is at nursery Monday and Wednesday which I pay for fully and he pays no child maintenance.

What? Why? If those are his contact days 50-50 on the arrangement he chose then why the hell are YOU paying the nursery fees?

Get yourself to the solicitor and get a court-ordered contact schedule with a school agreement. Sounds like it needs to be near you and he needs to have contact EOW etc.

Stop paying for childcare on his days now. Save it for solicitor's fees.

Tell me about it. I got well and truly shafted in mediation because he was so nasty I just wanted to get out of it so I said yes to anything.
Luckily she is now on 30 hours free childcare so it's less of a problem but still has been a stinger in the wallet for almost 3 years now.

Yes, this is crazy. Effectively, he is doing wraparound hours two days and one full day? Why is that one day not a weekend day?

Get a solicitor. It is not your job to pay his childcare. What would happen if you didn't?

I'd reopen it to be honest - she won't be with her dad on a Tuesday when she is at school. So her contact time is cut but not yours. He really should be paying maintenance. This really isn't right.

Also I fully understand comments about putting the child's needs first and it not being about a parent 'winning'.

In the divorce I asked for nothing. Not a single penny from our home, no child maintenance, and I didn't push on him doing weekends. I just wanted to be away from him. So this sort of feels like my last thing that I can have. I want my baby to be near me.
I'm the sort of person who will be involved in school plays, governors, clubs etc and he's really not. He's not even the type to talk to people at the school gates so the whole thing really stings.

Honestly I could be overthinking it but I really think he insisted on this arrangement so that he would have more weeknights and we'd have this exact situation where she is more likely to go to school with him.

I'm sure he did. Not right though. I'd get to court if I were you. If you weren't bullied into paying for childcare, there is no way that this arrangement would work for him.

I don't understand. How come a mediation ended up with you getting nothing at all and paying for nursery? How can whoever controlled those sessions have ended up thinking that it was fair that you got nothing from the house, no payments from him and you pay for nursery on his days?

Which would be the one near dad then.

Both of you need to do what is best for her, not what is most convenient for you. This may mean reviewing the contact pattern when she is at school.

From what you've written, I can see this man bullied you when you were together, it really is fine for you to stand up to him now.

You need to change the contact pattern so you are able to do school pick ups and drops offs, the support you have around will also be invaluable.

In your situation I'd make the change in a heartbeat.

Do you have a court order which says you pay for nursery? If you don't I would have a solicitor write to dad and say you are no longer paying for nursery as of x date. Check the nursery notice periods. Id contact nursery explain the situation and terminate your contract with them - but say that he might wish to take up the hours.

Then I'd make sure you get child benefit, that your GP is registered to you etc and get your school place form in for the schools nearest to you.

Once school place are announced I'd go back to court for a CAO which reflects her school place. Or go for this before then if he also puts in a school place request for her.

If you do have a court order to say you pay for nursery, I would take that back to court now. Refuse mediation on the grounds that he is continuing to financially abuse you, get that arrangement squashed and a decent maintenance order in place. But make sure you have a decent solicitor this time - you will save the money it's costing you in nursery fees!!

God how do these bustards get away with such bullying and abuse!

Sorry OP, you need to woman up. Stop paying for his childcare, apply to CMS and get a solicitor.

Ten school journeys. Two are part of moving between houses (and would have to happen regardless) so that leaves 8 journeys to consider. Three of those 8 are from your house and five are from your ex’s.
So, just considering maths it’s fair she goes to school near her dad.
If there are other compelling reasons why it would be in the interest of the child to go to school near you then I think you need to go to court to ask for the order to be changed so you have more school nights.

No court order I'm just an idiot

Sometimes writing/saying this stuff out loud really makes you realise how ridiculous it is