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Original poster

Changing schools but DD doesn't want to

30 replies

JustAnotherBrickInTheWall · 19/05/2022 07:12

We are moving DD to another school (from state to private) as she has been struggling with anxiety and is only in school half the week. New school has smaller class sizes, has already identified that DD has a few learning challenges which current school hasn't picked up on, and also offers a broader curriculum better suited to DDs strengths.
DD doesn't want to go and is kicking off big time. She has a strong group of friends and hates change. And of course there is no guarantee that she would go in happily to the new school every day, but its set up means it's less likely to be stress inducing. Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Move her and I'm pulling her away from her friends and everything she has known making her anxiety worse, leave her and I don't see her anxiety improving or coping with the state secondary. She would be going into year 6. Any advice?

OP posts:
Badlifeday · 19/05/2022 07:17

Could the school allow her to attend for a few days/a week before her place at the old school is dropped? So you could see which would be the "worse" option for her?
I think her choice needs to be attending her original school every single day or being moved to a new school. If she's only year 5/6 you need to make the decisions, not her.

TeenPlusCat · 19/05/2022 07:18

If she is moving then get on with it.
The uncertainty/waiting must be unbearable if she already knows about it.
Can she not start straight after half term instead? (Assuming when you say 'going into year 6' you are meaning start in September).
Is this an 'all through' indie or will she have to change again for secondary?

You will never know for certain if it is correct, you just need to do what you think best based on info available at the time.

KangarooKenny · 19/05/2022 07:23

I’d say don’t do it. A friend of mine moved her DD to a new private school in year 5 when they moved for DH’s work. It was sold as having lots of footballers kids there.
The child didn’t want to go, wanted to stay at her original private school.
‘But they moved and the child ended up isolated and spent all breaks in the library on her own, and she changed at home too. Became very insular. My friend was very concerned by the change so moved them back, and her back to her old school and she became her old self.

cansu · 19/05/2022 07:24

I think I would be saying either go to school full-time with your friends or you need a change and I will be making the decision to move you to a smaller school that I think could help you. I wouldn't be letting her call the shots here. Obvioysly sell the new school to her and reassure her she will make new friends etc too.

Flatandhappy · 19/05/2022 07:25

Be positive about the move but be firm, this is an adult decision that has been made, it is not a negotiation. I have had some experience of this, it worked out really well, sometimes you just have to be the grown up.

erikbloodaxe · 19/05/2022 07:47

In an effort to reduce her anxiety you are planning on doing something thst will make her extremely anxious. Yep that'll work

Roselilly36 · 19/05/2022 07:55

Very difficult age to be moving away from her friends, I can’t see how that will help with her anxiety tbh.

Could you agree that she will move schools after she has completed yr6 with her friends, everyone will be changing in yr7 anyway, the change may be easier for her to coped with then perhaps.

My DS has always be very resistant to change, so I can completely understand what you are going through Flowers

Sirzy · 19/05/2022 07:58

Is she getting support with the anxiety and the route cause?

I don’t think moving her into a new situation she isn’t keen on is going to do a lot to help her. May be better to work towards a smooth transition for year 7 when all her peers will be moving and hopefully getting her in a better place to cope

LIZS · 19/05/2022 07:59

Will she even go to the new school? Can she do taster days or move at half term so September is less of a worry and she can meet her new friends over the summer? Does the new school go through to 18 or would she have to move again? I fear unless you address the underlying issues for her anxiety her behaviour will not change.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/05/2022 07:59

Maybe wait to transition for year 7? All of her friends will be moving schools at that point so is a more natural filter time

parietal · 19/05/2022 08:10

Firm but kind here. you've made the decision. explain to DC why the new school is best for her. explain repeatedly - talk up the good fun things about it.

But also acknowledge that this will be challenging for her & she will need to be brave and strong. Find stories to read where a child moves to a new school / makes new friends etc. Or stories where a child faces a challenge and succeeds.

The movie InsideOut is also great for kids who have a big transition in life.

Original poster
JustAnotherBrickInTheWall · 19/05/2022 09:06

She's done a day there already and loved it although it was a battle to get her in. The school would take her straight through to secondary. No footballers, it's very down to earth and has a great reputation for pastoral care.
She would still see her friends out of school and she also knows a couple of girls at her new school.
Someone made a good point about the wait being intolerable. Unfortunately I don't think switching her before September is an option plus she has a few things happening that she is really looking forward to in her current school.

OP posts:
Staynow · 19/05/2022 09:07

Anxiety and hates change? Have you considered possible ASD?

Afterfire · 19/05/2022 09:09

What is causing her anxiety at the current school? You mention learning issues - does she have an ehcp? If not apply for one yourselves as she will need this as demands increase in high school even if she can manage just about now.

olympicsrock · 19/05/2022 09:19

In that case you just sit tight and keep reassuring her. Unless you delay it until year 7 when everyone moves??

my DS 10 was really unhappy about moving schools when we moved house. Lots of tears over the summer but in the end it has been a positive thing and he is now really happy with lots of new friends.

Mariposista · 19/05/2022 09:40

I moved schools in year 6 and it was hard. I was the only new girl, everyone had a best friend, I didn’t get invited to parties (as we were at the age when people just picked a fee close friends). Move her in year 7 when everyone is new. But make it clear to her she needs to up her attendance

Enko · 19/05/2022 09:43

Firm but kind here. you've made the decision. explain to DC why the new school is best for her. explain repeatedly - talk up the good fun things about it.

This completely. You have made the adult decision but will be there to support and help her cope.

Oblomov22 · 19/05/2022 10:08

Eh? She doesn't have grounds for her argument. Because she's only in school for 1/2 the week. So current clearly isn't working.

Snoken · 19/05/2022 10:41

Is it her current school that makes her anxious in the first place? If it isn't then nothing will change by moving her. She may well become much worse as she will be in a new environment without her friends. I don't quite see how you came to the conclusion that she needed to change schools. You might now end up paying lots of money for a school she won't go to, and nothing will have been solved or worked through.

Sirzy · 19/05/2022 11:17

Oblomov22 · 19/05/2022 10:08

Eh? She doesn't have grounds for her argument. Because she's only in school for 1/2 the week. So current clearly isn't working.

But that might be a massive achievement and step forward which could be sent backwards by an unwanted forced move. We don’t know the whole situation or what aupport she is already getting

Original poster
JustAnotherBrickInTheWall · 19/05/2022 18:10

Afterfire · 19/05/2022 09:09

What is causing her anxiety at the current school? You mention learning issues - does she have an ehcp? If not apply for one yourselves as she will need this as demands increase in high school even if she can manage just about now.

Not learning issues, just stronger in some areas and weaker in others that would benefit from a different approach eg more visual and active learning.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAnotherBrickInTheWall · 19/05/2022 18:15

Mariposista · 19/05/2022 09:40

I moved schools in year 6 and it was hard. I was the only new girl, everyone had a best friend, I didn’t get invited to parties (as we were at the age when people just picked a fee close friends). Move her in year 7 when everyone is new. But make it clear to her she needs to up her attendance

There are several new kids starting, she won't be the only one. I think lots of parents locally have realised the state schools have not been able to support their kids over/since Covid and by moving in yr6 they automatically secure a place in the secondary. Wait until yr7 and they are too far behind plus have the stress of having to pass an exam they aren't prepared for.

OP posts:
Badlifeday · 19/05/2022 18:18

But isn't she bound to be behind if she's only in class half the week at the moment? No change in learning style will make up for not being in the building.

Original poster
JustAnotherBrickInTheWall · 19/05/2022 18:20

Staynow · 19/05/2022 09:07

Anxiety and hates change? Have you considered possible ASD?

Waiting for an assessment but school (and DH) think it's EBSA and separation anxiety from lockdown and not any ND. Not sure if that would change our decision anyway.

OP posts:
Ilovechoc12 · 20/05/2022 16:06

I’d suggest seeing someone private - EP / CP before you move schools
dont just jump a new school without knowing the root cause of her issues….. plus you have to remember a private school equals business and that is your cash!

some times people can mask / act nt and are actually ASD (not to say your daughter is)…. Which include high anxiety

can you express why she is struggling? She might just be jumping ships …. Same issues might happen there …. You need to find out more what’s happening in her mind