Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Education

Join the discussion on our Education forum.

Original poster

Mixed sex senior schools - experiences

59 replies

ButerrnutSquash · 01/05/2022 14:02

Hi I wonder if anyone could help me
Our DD is currently happy and doing well in an all girls through independent, however due to our financial situation we were over the moon when she passed her Bexley test and has accepted a place at a mixed grammar. However I am now getting very worried about moving her after reading about the sexism / abuse girls can be subjected to in mixed sex schools. I wondered if those of you who have children in mixed sex schools if what I’m reading about is genuinely a problem or am I reading articles that have been sensationalised ? The school we are thinking about is chis and Sid in sidcup if anyone has any experience of this school in particular.

OP posts:
motogirl · 02/05/2022 15:58

Ps never had any issues with the boys, now with the girls ... lots of problems. Dd boarded from 16 co Ed too. Teenage girls are very mean. I have well adjusted young adult women now.

thing47 · 02/05/2022 16:23

As with all reports and surveys, the devil is in the detail, OP. Note that that report talks as much about online harassment as in-person, which obviously isn't unique to mixed schools. It also says that 'When we asked children and young people where sexual violence occurred, they typically talked about unsupervised spaces outside of school, such as parties or parks without adults present',
ie not in school.

Furthermore, under 'methodology' it makes it clear that the report covers an equal number of state and independent schools, so there is nothing in the report to indicate that the problems were found only in mixed schools, or only in state schools.

The report gives cause for concern as to the behaviour of teenagers, and emphasises the need for more education of boys as to what is not acceptable, but it does not support your belief that the problem lies in mixed schools per se.

Original poster
ButerrnutSquash · 02/05/2022 21:36

Thank you @thing47 . It all feels a bit of a minefield !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ButerrnutSquash · 02/05/2022 21:41

I really am stuck as to what to do for the best now. The safest option would be to keep her at her Indie and up my hours to FT but I just about cope with juggling hours as it is and was really hoping the grammar might free us up some time / money

OP posts:
BoardingSchoolMater · 02/05/2022 21:45

I have (via my DC) experienced both (I went to a girls' school from 5-18, and my DC have been variously to single sex and co-ed schools) and there is no contest whatsoever: single sex would be my first choice every time. For boys just as much as for girls. Single sex schools are set up for that particular sex and play to their strengths. Most importantly, they give young people the belief that nothing can stop them achieving whatever they want to achieve. Girls don't have to stand on the sidelines while the boys take up the physical space (which they do in mixed playgrounds). Boys don't have to act like dicks to "be cool". At boys' schools, it's cool to try hard and do well. Absolutely no competition in my view.

Reallynotgoodatthis · 02/05/2022 21:47

My children are at mixed selective state school (one just left year 13, the others are still there). They love being in a mixed school. They are comfortable with everyone and my DS in particular has loads of friends who are girls. My dd's also have friends who are boys. I just asked my DD who has gone to uni what her feelings are about co-ed Vs single sex and she said that all her friends who have issues with self esteem / body image / EDs went to single sex schools. My friends with children in all girls' schools have such drama all the time (as well as way more bullying than we have seen). We avoided all that. DD says she's noticed at uni that the girls who are still quite dramatic all came from single sex schools... I'm sure it's not a given but I'm so glad mine went to a co-ed school...

BoardingSchoolMater · 02/05/2022 21:50

I found the dramas of my DC at a co-ed school never stopped. Boys' boarding schools tend to be pretty drama-free IME. Girls' schools perhaps less so.

Original poster
ButerrnutSquash · 02/05/2022 21:57

My gut is now saying stick with her lovely nurturing walkable current school and to pull my big girl pants up and request FT hours ! I could never forgive myself if she wasn’t happy somewhere and she has LOVED her primary years there. Then maybe see about a move at 6th form.

OP posts:
agua · 02/05/2022 22:07

Sorry @BoardingSchoolMater but I couldn't disagree more. I think children have very different strengths, and a school that tries to play to strengths based on assumptions about gender is not only going to do badly by those pupils who don't fit the stereotypes, but it will also serve to reinforce those stereotypes by continuing to accentuate perceived differences between boys and girls. And I disagree even more strongly that SS schools allow pupils to believe they can achieve whatever they want. Yes, my girls' school did try to teach us that - but the natural inference is that we could only achieve whatever we wanted if we were squirrelled away into a female-only cocoon where we didn't have to compete with the boys. Bollocks to that. I accept that single sex environments were once necessary to allow girls to achieve, because cultural norms and even legislation would not have allowed them to participate properly in a mixed environment. But for me, they feel incredibly anachronistic now. I don't think that true equality will ever really be achieved while we separate boys and girls in that way. In fact, I think the reaction to #metoo sadly risks forcing women back into their 'safe spaces' - whereas actually, I think it presents a real cultural opportunity to demand properly equal respect in co-ed spaces at last.

thing47 · 02/05/2022 22:16

@ButerrnutSquash you've had a range of views on here and as you can see, it's quite a polarised debate. On balance I am in favour of mixed schools but if your DD is at a school which she loves and has no desire to leave, then in your position I would be doing everything in my power to ensure she could stay there. At the end of the day, the best school for your DD is the one she most wants to be at.

NightLightComfort · 02/05/2022 22:21

Bitchy girls is very true in my experience. Perhaps it’s a stereotype for good reason…

Londonuk2001 · 02/05/2022 23:07

@ButerrnutSquash Hi OP! May I learn which school does your daughter currently attending? Is it JAGS, Bromley High or Blackheath High?

Londonuk2001 · 02/05/2022 23:19

we had the same option for my daughter when she did her 11+. We went for i dependent all girls because I found out that Chis & Sid’s majority of students was boys... its not even %50 %50!
i went to all girls school then moved to coed independent school and it was so bad! I wanted to focus on my studies but boys was asking for my number, wanted to date etc! I remember I was the only one who never had boyfriend up to year 11 and that was the reason for bullying. maybe I was unlucky I really dont know but i do believe i was going to be more comfortable and successful if i were in girls only school. But its also depends on the childs personality. Some kids doesnt care what other says some does care and can not focus on their studies. I was thinking to move my daughter to Eltham College because I have a son and wanted them to be in the same school but I think I will not take that risk. I dont believe my daughter will be happy and comfortable like in her girls only school. Now she stays in her school until 6 sometimes for her after school clubs, or study in library/study area. But I wouldn’t let her to do that if she was in coed school.

www.locrating.com/schools-Chislehurst-and-Sidcup-Grammar-School-0urn137423.aspx

Londonuk2001 · 02/05/2022 23:24

Chis and Sid’s ofsted also not so impressive! Not even Outstanding! If you have option I suggest you to move her only girls school.

reports.ofsted.gov.uk/provider/23/137423

whenwillthemadnessend · 02/05/2022 23:24

Agua says it beautifully IMO.

All this is anecdotal. I think you'll need to visit the schools and feel your way as to a good fit for your child.

Mine go mixed and have good
Mixed friendship groups

The school Like any has some occasional issues with kids in relationships but I find it hard to believe any school with teens won't have. It's how they deal with it that is important.

Teens these days are VERY open and there will be a mix of heterosexual
Gay and bi sexual
Kids and they are much much more open about this now which can only be a good thing and prepares them
For life ahead.

Anecdotal again but a friends daughter at single sex is boy mad and always on the chase and I do feel she may well end up in risky situations later as she will chase any boy regardless. She hasn't worked out who the nice boys are as quick as the mixed schooled girls But that's only one case.

BungleandGeorge · 02/05/2022 23:26

The worst thing about mixed sex schools is the disruption from boys and the inherent sexism towards clever girls, particularly in subjects like physics and computing. If they can rise above they come out with great resilience but I’m guessing that quite a lot don’t and that’s why girls get better results at single sex schools. I think mixed sex is positive from the social side.

Londonuk2001 · 02/05/2022 23:37

@BungleandGeorge plus, I was in love with all kind of sports when I was in only girls primary when I moved to mixed senior - I never felt I was doing great at all. Boys used to commenting about everything.. “your tits looks nice when you run” etc... :) that wasnt a problem for some other girls but it was so annoying for me. Meanwhile I dont have a shy personality - I wasnt feeling comfortable to focus on what I am doing, thats all.

Londonuk2001 · 02/05/2022 23:37

@BungleandGeorge I agree

Sbqprules · 02/05/2022 23:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

agua · 03/05/2022 06:53

But again, what sort of message are we sending to our daughters? That the best response to boys telling them their tits look nice when they run is to make sure they go and do their sport behind closed doors where the boys can't watch? On the contrary, I think it's incredibly healthy that my boys see girls participating in and excelling at sport every day at school, the same way that they enjoy watching women's cricket and football on TV. It feels like we're finally edging towards a situation where women's professional sport is just 'sport', not 'women's sport', and I think we need to capitalise on that in schools as well.

Chocalata · 03/05/2022 07:51

@BungleandGeorge Girls get better results at single sex at what cost? The cost of not being prepared for the real world (they still have to make that adjustment, boys don’t suddenly change at the age of 18 do they, and never behave in a way that will upset them.) Anorexia and self harm is known to be a real problem in girls only environments - what is your theory on this?

Nutellaspoon · 03/05/2022 08:02

I work at a university and my experience is that the students from same same sex schools struggle with collaboration across the sexes and continue to maintain very sex based friendship groups, live in single sex houses etc.

puffyisgood · 03/05/2022 10:37

The number of kids who attend single sex schools is down to about 5%, it's amazing really that single sex was the norm until c 50 years ago.

I'm not aware of any genuinely robust, strong, independent evidence on the merits of the SS model. My person hunch, based on little bits of anecdotal evidence, personal experience, is that mixed sex turns out better balanced people who are better prepared for the real world & who are better at viewing the opposite sex as peers.

ChnandlerBong · 03/05/2022 16:03

There is anecdotal evidence in support of any school IME. Every school will be the best option for some and the worst for others.

The key thing here is that you have made a decision for Chis & Sid and now you're unsure. It's not too late to go on waiting lists for Townley/Dartford/Newstead - I know people who switched (and then switched back!!) in May a couple of years ago.

Only you know your daughter and only you can guess as to what might suit her. If all girls has suited her so far then maybe that would suit her for secondary - phone the admissions team now if you have questions?