Mixed sex senior schools - experiences

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Hi I wonder if anyone could help me
Our DD is currently happy and doing well in an all girls through independent, however due to our financial situation we were over the moon when she passed her Bexley test and has accepted a place at a mixed grammar. However I am now getting very worried about moving her after reading about the sexism / abuse girls can be subjected to in mixed sex schools. I wondered if those of you who have children in mixed sex schools if what I’m reading about is genuinely a problem or am I reading articles that have been sensationalised ? The school we are thinking about is chis and Sid in sidcup if anyone has any experience of this school in particular.

All the people I know who have serious problems communicating with the opposite sex went to single sex schools. My exh went to an all boys school and it was his one stipulation when we split that our dc always go to mixed sex schools.

I went to a mixed sex secondary and my dm taught there until very recently. There was never any real sexism that was encountered l. If anything it’s the whole “trans” phenomenon that is causing a lot of the more recent issues with schools considering mixed sex toilets/ allowing kids of the opposite sex into the “wrong” toilets because the kids are trans etc. This obviously muddies the waters hugely and makes reporting issues of sexism incredibly difficult to monitor.

We’re near ish you but not grammar. DS16 and DD15 are fully ensconced in friendship groups of big series, I think their lives works be far safer if they were at single sex schools. This is common amongst friends’ children too.

DS13 is a complete sport billy and says year 8 girls are so annoying he would happily me at a single sex school. The amount of lynx/hair product he uses tells a different tale however.

I am a firm believer in mixed sex schools, being a product of one. DH went to single sex school and is very glad that our DC have mixed sex options.

DD has also not had the friendship drama that several girls I know in local single sex indies have had, whether that’s a DD thing it a school thing I couldn’t say but if I was choosing for her again it would be mixed every time.

Typos. DD and DS in groups of mixed sex, their lives would be far poorer if they were at single sex schools

I'd definitely choose single sex if it was possible. My family moved for me to go to a single sex grammar. DS and DD did too.

DD's friend went to the local mixed secondary school and had no end of hassle. She now has an eating disorder and her self image is not good.

It's only anecdotal but it reaffirmed our choices for our DC.

My niece and 2 friends DDs have eating disorders, one went to mixed and two to single sex, I think there’s rather more to it than whether the school is mixed or single sex

I went to a mixed-sex school and one of them was traumatic. Two were not; it's very much dependent on the staff of the schools and how onboard they are with sexism and safeguarding. The traumatic one is the one that has left me with communication issues with men/boys/actually who am I kidding, everyone.

Thank you all.
I went to single sex and I must admit I do think a mixed sex school would have prepared me better for life at university / in the workplace.
However it is hard as DD has absolutely thrived in the all girls setting and is just so happy there. If finances weren’t an issue we would absolutely be keeping her there. She would have scored high enough for an all girls grammar but I was put off that by the distance, starting to doubt myself now!

We went for all girls, partly for this reason. In the first few years, it seemed from dd’s wider group of friends like mixed sex was no problem, but as she got a bit older dd heard from friends in mixed schools that the inappropriate comments, touching etc had started. So I would suggest asking the older girls at the school (or their parents) about it, if you can. I suspect it is very school dependent, in terms of culture.

My daughter opted for single sex for sixth form as she found the boys in her old school disruptive, though she said it was better once she moved to top set of everything.
I didn't see or hear if any abuse at her last school (have several friends who had kids remain there). The girls seem to be as keen on bring sexually active as any of the boys.

Thanks @tuliplover
oh god that is quite scary
I have had a sleepless night over it all and am now thinking maybe we have done the wrong thing, might try and get her back on waiting list for all girls grammar further away

My kids are at a mixed school, and that was really important to me when choosing a school. Of course there are relationships at school, people fancying each other etc, but that's going to happen socially anyway. I felt strongly that I wanted my children to be in an environment where they encountered the opposite sex day in day out, in a 'professional' environment, not just a more sexualised social context. I want my kids to see both boys and girls doing sport, beating them in a maths test, just hanging out with their mates - not just to see them when they're 'out'. In a mixed school, you will still have those more highly charged relationships, and I'm not pretending that inappropriate incidents will never happen - but you will also have lots and lots of relationships where a girl is just 'X in my French class', not 'a girl'. I have friends with daughters in all girls schools, and they are absolutely not insulated from this stuff - in fact, the only girl I know who has suffered a really serious incident happened to be at a SS school. In our town, two of the single sex grammars are very close to each other, and the older pupils are allowed out at lunchtime. A friend's daughter reports that they often meet up in the park, and that it's not unheard of for sex acts to be performed during break time. I don't think that sending your children to a single sex school will isolate them from these types of incidents, but I do think that sending them to a mixed sex school (as long as it works hard on its culture) might just help them to deal with these things better, as they will have more normalised relationships with the opposite sex. It does depend on the individual school though (as with everything!).

The vast vast majority of DC are in mixed state high schools. That is life. Stories of sexual harassment are often inflated.. Girls can be far far nastier to others girls.

I went to both single and mixed sex schools and I now have 2 DDs (and a baby son, but you're asking re your DD). No way on earth would I send them to a single sex school. And there's a well known private one in our town down the road from their little prep school. Reasons being: lack of preparedness for uni, workplace etc, it sort of fetishises and puts on a pedestal boys and young men, prevalence of eating disorders and other MH issues related to high pressure environments. Also, girls 'undiluted' can be horribly cruel, competitive in a negative way.

Primary overwhelming argument for mixed sex schools: it's a practice for real life (work, friendships, relationships, politics, handling social differences etc) but in a supervised environment. A practice for adult life.

Also, save your money! I will be looking for a state mixed sex place for all my children when they've finished at their small, old fashioned prep school. It's time for some pushing out of the nest by then! (Appreciate this is because our town has a number of good secondaries)

The OP wasn’t asking about stereotypes of bitchy girls. She was asking about sexism and abuse. I understand that some people (often mums of lovely boys) wish to deflect discussion and attention away from the behaviour of boys and instead blame girls and say they are just as bad and that they exaggerate and make a fuss - it happens a lot - but that is not what the OP asked.

OP The Ofsted report into Everyone’s Invited is worth a read. It gives an idea of what a school that deals well with these issues should have in place. www.gov.uk/government/publications/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges#fn:19

I went to a girls only junior school and had a the shock of my life when I joined a mixed boarding school for senior. My friends who stayed at the all girls for senior had a similar shock when joining boys at Uni - some went totally off the rails.
For this reason there is no way I would send my DD’s to a single sex school. We deal with issues around teasing and bullying (from any of the genders) by talking around our dinning room table. I don’t want them going off to Uni and coming face to face with these issues for the first time when I am not there to guide them.

@agua excellent post

She’s probably thrived because it’s a really good school, not because it’s single sex. She will probably thrive in any good school. I work in a secondary and actually think having boys in the school can help dilute the intense female friendship issues. The sexism/abuse is a hot topic in all schools atm, there’s lots of education and activity going on around it, as a result there has probably never been a better time to go to a mixed school.

The "bitchy girls" stereotype is tired, dated and pretty offensive. All girls seem to have a meltdown of sorts in year 8. Single sex or mixed. Be prepared to navigate through those years.

We are following the diamond model for DD. Mixed in primary, all girls in secondary and mixed again in Sixth Form.

Single sex in secondary means they have a safe space to navigate the puberty years. That is also when they start to form education and career choices. These decisions can be made without influence from exuberant boys who by nature seem to take up more of a teacher's attention and/or time.

When they go back to mixed IN Sixth Form, both boys and girls are calmer, more mellow and the mixed facilities can segue seamlessly to uni life

DD in year 11 in high-achieving comp. No sexism/abuse experienced. Friendship group is mixed (very - male, female, non-bi, gender-fluid...). Girls are doing well in maths and sciences. She's not good at PE, but for the last couple of years has thoroughly enjoyed their mixed PE lessons, whoever she's been working with.
I think all the "disruptive kids" she has ever mentioned have been boys, but from the boys' point of view, better to have them diluted better in mixed schools!

@Amrapaali so it's offensive to stereotype 'bitchy' girls but not 'exuberant' boys?! And surely saying that 'all' girls have a meltdown in Year 8 is something of a stereotype in itself - that certainly hasn't been my experience. Personally, I've always aimed to teach my kids that people are above all people - not boys, not girls. I went to a girls' school and, while it absolutely did strive to empower its students, I loathed the self-conscious femaleness of it. I hated constantly being told that 'girls can achieve anything', when it was perfectly bloody obvious to me that they can. It seemed to undermine the whole idea of feminism. I don't want it to be celebrated when a girl goes off to do physics at Cambridge - I want it to be entirely unsurprising.

I do broadly agree with @agua , one of my DDs went to single-gender grammar and one to a mixed secondary modern. The one who went to mixed definitely sees people as people and is very at ease in the company of boys/men – I'm not convinced keeping girls away from boys does them any favours in the long run and it certainly isn't particularly good preparation for life in general. Data would seem to indicate that girls do better academically at all-girls schools, but you need to consider other factors than grades.

Lots of anecdata here, OP.
My contribution to it is that single sex education is totally fine, esp for girls. Both DH and I went to single sex secondary and work in areas (different to each other) where a high proportion of employees had a similar background - absolutely no issue with male/female working relationships. We also have lots of friends that went to single sex and mixed schools and, again, no issues. All of us have managed relationships and none of them (at least outwardly!) are dysfunctional.

I would speak to parents at the schools you are considering. Even better if you can speak with pupils, perhaps on an open day?

@HighRopes that report is one of the saddest and most disturbing things I have ever read. If there is even a very very slim chance of these happening to DD then single sex is the way forward , at least until she is older. She is a tiny little thing and still loves playing pretend games with her little sister and Barbies absolutely no way can I let her go into an environment where there is even the slightest chance of her witnessing or being subject to behaviour like that she would be terrified.

95% of girls attend coed schools, we coped!

My kids had the option of either (state too) and chose coed