I agree that it all depends on your state options and also how much sacrifice paying fees will make.
If you’re absolutely loaded and won’t notice the £25k a year fees vanishing from your bank account, then as long as you’re choosing a good independent, you probably provide your child with a more comfortable ride through education. You might think that’s worth it.
Most people, even if well off will notice £25k or £50k for 2 vanishing and it will have an impact…..might mean less in pension, or living in a smaller house than ideally wanted etc. For them, if there’s a good state school - either grammar or Comp and their child doesn’t have additional needs, then it probably doesn’t make sense to pay. As others have said, their schooling will be decent and you’ll have cash for lots of enrichment or tutors if you need them. Lots of people find themselves in this situation who previously would have sent their kids private, but with rising fees, feel it just doesn’t add up and the sacrifice isn’t worth it.
When there isn’t a good state school, it might be worth paying. For people with 1 child and who need to live in that area for whatever reason, it might make sense to stay and pay and suck up the expense. It might be worth sucking up the expense if you need a specialist provision for SEN. But most people who aren’t near a good catchment who could scrape together the fees, will assess this early enough to perhaps move into catchment of a better state school and avoid fees.
It’s true, that the highest level sport and music isn’t in schools, even the very good schools. The really top talents will always be in county or national teams and orchestras or training squads of professional sports clubs, rather than relying on the school for their provision. It’s those at the level below who really benefit from independent school sport and music etc….those who won’t be in county or national squads but want to play a lot. But there are outside sports clubs for all ages and parents who are willing to pay and ferry the kids about, can do so at any level. Many state Grammars can also offer a good sports offering, with weekend matches, although perhaps not down to F teams like many independents do. But as mentioned, you don’t need your kid to do their activities in school….you can find everything outside of school. It will cost you and you will need to be able to ferry them and fit it all in which isn’t easy if working, but it. And be possible…..and much cheaper.
I’ve known middle class families with very good but not astronomical salaries make different decisions. Those choosing state school in good catchment areas seem to have big houses, to go skiing and other foreign holidays in the summer, and their kids seem to do lots of activities at a decent level. Their parents have high expectations and the kids do too. They start life with loads of advantages. Some of those in a similar position paying fees, are living in the less good areas, and in smaller houses. They lives are more constrained and although they have holidays it’s all much more muted. When they come to retire and downsize, they have a much smaller asset to sell. Their pensions might be smaller and they might have less savings to help their kid into the housing ladder.
I think you have to see the bigger and longer term picture of helping and supporting your child - beyond that just involving schooling. Supporting our kids involves their lives and experiences outside school, and well beyond the school years. Those lucky enough to even be thinking about paying fees, might well decide that the cash is best used and their kids will most benefit from the money not going into school fees, but an enriched childhood and lots of financial support brought uni and as young adults.